Thinking Differently

David Flink

• Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9780062225948
• Topic: Éducation
• Subtopic: Difficultés d'apprentissage

An innovative, comprehensive guide—the first of its kind—to help parents understand and accept learning disabilities in their children, offering tips and strategies for successfully advocating on their behalf and helping them become their own best advocates.

In Thinking Differently, David Flink, the leader of Eye to Eye—a national mentoring program for students with learning and attention issues—enlarges our understanding of the learning process and offers powerful, innovative strategies for parenting, teaching, and supporting the 20 percent of students with learning disabilities. An outstanding fighter who has helped thousands of children adapt to their specific learning issues, Flink understands the needs and experiences of these children first hand. He, too, has dyslexia and ADHD.

Focusing on how to arm students who think and learn differently with essential skills, including meta-cognition and self-advocacy, Flink offers real, hard advice, providing the tools to address specific problems they face—from building self-esteem and reconstructing the learning environment, to getting proper diagnoses and discovering their inner gifts. With his easy, hands-on "Step-by-Step Launchpad to Empowerment, " parents can take immediate steps to improve their children's lives.

Thinking Differently is a brilliant, compassionate work, packed with essential insights and real-world applications indispensable for parents, educators, and other professional involved with children with learning disabilities.

Chapter 1

IS SOMETHING UP?

Every Fifth Person You Meet Is LD/ADHD

Life is full of challenges whether you are learning disabled or not. It’s how you handle those challenges.

—Erin Brockovich, activist, dyslexic

It’s safe to say that most parents hope they would receive the news that their kid has LD/ADHD with patience, understanding, optimism, and kindness. But despite best intentions, feelings and fears can get in the way. I understand why. Feelings and fears often arise when parents hear the words learning disability. Not exactly empowering words.

I don’t believe anyone is so disabled he cannot learn. However, that is exactly what many people believe the words learning disability imply. While I certainly don’t love learning disability, in order to connect kids with their rights and to a community of others who share that label, sometimes it may be necessary to use learning disability to describe your child’s learning issue.

Most parents get very emotional when they first find out their kid has a learning disability. For young or first-time parents, the news can be devastating. Learning how to accept that your child is “different,” especially when he looks like every other kid on the playground is a tall order and may take time. You may have to reorient yourself and even work through some anger as you get to a place that will enable you to become the most important advocate and ally your child will have. There is a grieving process at all levels, and you may have to let go of many of the aspirations you had for your child.

Some studies have suggested that parents often have a harder time accepting LD/ADHD than other, more visible disabilities. But just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not equally valid and difficult to manage without some help—and it certainly shouldn’t stop you from seeking early and effective intervention for your child.

At Eye to Eye, we help kids learn how to talk about their LD/ADHD, so it’s not a source of shame or insecurity. As parents, you have to try your best to do the same. Remember, discovering that your child is in the company of people like Steven Spielberg certainly isn’t the academic end of the road unless you make it one.

Learning that your child has LD/ADHD also opens the door to an entire community of support and hope, full of people who have not only succeeded, but excelled. At some point, you will probably need their help. Although schools may not always be as forthcoming with information as you’d like, parents who have been engaged with the system for years can be tremendous resources.

I’ve heard the network among parents of kids with LD/ADHD compared with the Underground Railroad. There’s a ton of knowledge out there, but you have to find it. There’s still a lot of secrecy about LD/ADHD and where to find the best information and guidance. In the coming chapters, not only will I let you know where to find help, I’ll also provide you with insights from my own experience as someone with LD/ADHD.

Many parents want to know how to fix the problem right away.

“Unlike psychiatric disorders like depression, which can be cured, learning disabilities are not curable, even though people often do get better,” explains Dr. Harold Koplewicz, director of the Child Mind Institute, a mental health resource center in New York City. “Smart parents recognize this is a long-term thing, and it’s not always easy.”

Even parents who have accepted their own LD/ADHD status may be saddened and frustrated when their children start to exhibit signs of learning issues. Vanessa Kirsch, who has dyslexia and now serves as founder and managing director of New Profit Inc., a national venture philanthropy fund and social innovation organization, reflects, “Until my daughter was born, I thought I was done with being dyslexic, that nothing could stand in my way. And for a while after Mirabelle was diagnosed in first grade, I still thought we are going to ace this.” Kirsch and her husband did everything within their power to ensure that Mirabelle had access to all the resources she needed.

“We did a proactive parent search—picked a community and a school district we knew would work for us. We even hired a private tutor. Even with all the work and knowledge gained from my own past experience it was torture to see her light was still fading. I thought we had control over our resources, but we were mystified.”

For some parents, the news that their child is LD/ADHD takes them by surprise. One parent I know described her son’s diagnosis as “like a lightning bolt out of the blue.”

“I knew he was having trouble with some of his assignments, but I just figured it was a rough patch and that he’d get through it. His vocabulary was better than most of his friends’ and he was a really curious, interesting kid. So to find out he had a learning disability was shocking.”

For this parent, her son’s LD didn’t make sense. Because he seemed bright and invested in learning, it didn’t occur to her that he could also be learning disabled.

But let’s get one thing straight right from the beginning:

Learning disabilities and ADHD have nothing to do with native intelligence.

The sooner you and your child acknowledge that very critical fact, the sooner she’ll be able to embrace her different-thinking brain and all its unique potential. Now let’s talk about some of the things you might be seeing that could indicate your child has a learning or attention issue.

Don’t Miss the Signs

Although some learning differences and attention issues can be easy to miss, especially if the parent doesn’t want to believe they’re a possibility, if you’re reading this book, you probably already have your suspicions, particularly if your child isn’t developing at the same rate as other kids.

Perhaps your child is a bright, engaged kid who loves (fill in the blank) and (fill in the blank). Yet sometime around first or second grade, he lost some of his confidence. Maybe he became slightly shy, less willing to engage with others. Or he started to act out, getting upset over little things that never would have bothered him in the past. He may have even begun hiding in his bedroom closet to avoid going to school.

Maybe it’s more like this: Your daughter, who was always first to raise her hand in kindergarten and whose gold-star homework assignments covered the refrigerator, now has a crying fit every night when it’s homework time. Her little book bag is a chaotic mess of papers, pencils, and books that have yet to be read. And she’s lost a bit of the light in her eyes.

If you recognize even a glimmer of your child in these descriptions, you already know something is up. Kids just don’t change overnight for no reason (unless they’ve faced a recent trauma or serious difficulty in life). One possible explanation is that they no longer feel confident in school. You would probably know if they were having a great time because they’d bring at least some of that joy home with them.

Instead, school has become a struggle. But your child is not saying anything, and you may even resist the idea that his or her struggle stems from a learning issue.

“My kid can’t be LD/ADHD,” you might say. “After all, I run my own business and okay, well, I didn’t love school, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with me, or my spouse, or any of my other kids. We’ll just wait, it’s a phase, his brain just needs to mature. He needs more practice.”

You might be tempted to dismiss classic signs of learning and attention issues by saying “boys will be boys” or by blaming academic struggles on personality quirks such as shyness or impulsivity. While I may have acted out a bit in grammar school, I also tried as hard as I could, but it just didn’t help me “overcome” my disability.

“One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is ignoring the signs, hoping they will go away,” says Dr. Koplewicz. “This kind of thinking is terrible,” he explains, “because kids start faking it. By sixteen, it will be nearly impossible to get the skills they need. There are holes in their knowledge because they didn’t read and understand; they memorized.”

As a young boy, I fooled a lot of people by memorizing my favorite books and reciting them rather than reading them. Sound familiar? As much as you want to believe everything is okay, you also need to listen to the voice in your head that says, Hey—something’s not right here. If that’s the case, the most important step you can take is to have your child tested. In the next chapter, I’ll go into greater detail about many of the available options for testing. After you learn the facts about your child’s learning and attention issues, you may be surprised how you feel.

“Once they finally get a diagnosis, most parents feel relief,” says Koplewicz. “They understand that their child isn’t lazy or lacking in intelligence, and the disability becomes real. You can explain the trajectory of their child’s life. You know where the barriers are.”

Reasons parents use to ignore the signs of LD/ADHD:

I don’t want him to be labeled.

He just needs to try harder.

School just isn’t his thing.

The school hasn’t said anything and they’re the experts.

I think he’s just fine the way he is.

Truth is, none of these excuses is a good reason to avoid proper identification. What’s more, your child may lose even more ground by not being identified as soon as possible. Research shows that early intervention can help develop “alternative pathways” in the brain. In other words, it’s easier to shape cement before it dries. Wouldn’t you want your child to have that chance?

Every kid will have to go through a period of trying different methods to find what works best for his or her learning style, but early testing can help lay out a blueprint that can be used to ensure that corrections can be made in the beginning stages of a child’s education, rather than further down the line when some of a child’s habits and processes have become hardwired and are tougher to change. When learning and attention issues are addressed early on, children can have good practices in place by the time academic work becomes more challenging and long periods of focus are more essential.

“A good diagnosis is essentially a prescription that says, ‘This is what you need,’” explains Dr. Koplewicz. “When you don’t get a prescription, you wonder how long your child can get through life without reading, how they’re going to get through school, what kind of career they can have. Parents become hopeless.”

Kids can begin to feel hopeless too. During primary and secondary school, I struggled to keep up with my peers and found myself spending much more time on assignments than they did. That often meant that while they were out having fun, I had to spend my afternoons and weekends catching up academically. If I had been identified as LD/ADHD earlier, I would have learned which tools I needed to become a smarter and more efficient student sooner. Other kids may have a different experience: because schoolwork is so difficult for them, they may avoid their work in favor of more enjoyable activities and fall even further behind academically.

Despite the many benefits that come from learning exactly where and how your child struggles, maybe you’re avoiding testing because of the potential stigma you believe comes with the LD/ADHD label. Maybe you fear that kids are being over- or misdiagnosed and prefer not to open what you think might be a Pandora’s box. But you will ultimately decide how to handle the information testing reveals. Wouldn’t you rather know what’s going on than risk compromising your child’s education—and spirit?

If had known about my disabilities sooner, I would not have internalized all the subtle and none too subtle messages sent my way that told me I was stupid, lazy, and inadequate. Many of the experts I’ve spoken with tell me that the majority of kids who get an LD/ADHD diagnosis are comforted to know that they’re not dumb; it’s just that their learning issues make certain tasks—like reading, for example—tough for them. That knowledge makes a huge difference in how they relate to school, their peers, and their future.

Bad Reasons to Avoid Testing

I’ve met some parents who postpone testing because there just isn’t a good time or enough time or the right time to meet with a specialist. Please remember how incredibly precious each day of learning is to a young mind. With every day that is missed or less than optimal, kids with LD/ADHD fall behind their peers and decrease their chances of academic success. In addition, the battles waged over homework assignments are usually more time-consuming than a series of tests, not to mention damaging to the mood and morale of your entire family. Don’t be shortsighted when it comes to the legwork involved in getting your child diagnosed.

If you’re worried that a diagnosis may separate your child from his peers and exclude him from mainstream academic and social opportunities, please know that in all likelihood he already feels separated from his peers because of the gaps in his understanding and abilities.

No matter how much effort you put into bolstering your child’s self-esteem by telling him how smart he is, he will feel differently as he sits in class, unable to answer questions that other children answer with ease. Then, no matter what you say, he’ll doubt it’s true. But testing can let him know he’s far from stupid, and he may even have special gifts in some areas.

Maybe you had a tough time in school yourself—perhaps in ways that resemb...