1/2/93 8:43 PM
Dear New York Quarterly:
I am a native Albino who lives with a mother with a wooden
leg and a father who shoots up. I have a parrot, Cagney, who
says, “Yankee Doodle Dandy!” each time he excretes, which is
4 or 5 times a day. I once saw J. D. Salinger. Enclosed are my
Flying Saucer Poems. I have an 18-year-old sister with a body
like you’ve never seen. Nude photos enclosed. In case my
poems are rejected, these photos are to be returned. In case of
acceptance, I or my sister can be reached at 642-696-6969.
sincerely yours,
Byron Keats
musings
the temple of my doorway is
locked.
I only agree with my critics when they are
wrong.
my father was blind in one eye, deaf in one ear
and wrong in one life.
United States postage stamps are the ugliest
in the world.
Hemingway’s characters were consistently
grim, which meant they tried too
hard.
mornings are the worst, noons are a little
better and the nights are best.
by the time you are ready to sleep you
are feeling best of all.
constant sewage spills just strengthen my
convictions.
the best thing about Immanuel Kant was
his name.
to live well is a matter of definition.
God is an invention of Man; Woman, of the
Devil.
only boring people get bored.
lonely people are avoided because they are
lonely and they are lonely because they are
avoided.
people who prefer to be alone have some
damn good reasons for it.
people who prefer to be alone and lonely people
cannot be put in the same room together.
if you tape a coconut to your ass under your pants,
you can walk around like that for two weeks before
anybody asks you about that.
the best book is the one you’ve never read; the
best woman, the one you’ve never met.
if man were meant to fly he would have been
born with wings attached to his body.
I’ll admit that I have flown without them but it’s
an unnatural act, that’s why I keep asking the
stewardess for drinks.
if you sit in a dark room for some months you’ll
have some wonderful thoughts before you go
crazy.
there is hardly anything as sad as a run-over
cat.
the basis of Capitalism is to sell something for
far more than its worth.
the more you can do this, the richer you can
become.
everybody screws somebody else in a different
kind of way.
I screw you by writing words.
bliss only means forgetting for a while what is
to come.
Hell never stops it only pauses.
this is a pause.
enjoy it while you can.
storm for the living and the dead
you can’t beat me, the rain is coming through
the door and I’m at this computer while
listening to Rachmaninov on the radio,
the rain is coming right through the door,
flicks of it and I blow cigar smoke at it and
smile.
outside the door is a little balcony and there
is a chair there.
I sometimes sit in that chair when things go
bad here.
(damn the rain is coming down now!
great! beating down on my wooden chair
out there...