Mars and Venus in Love

John Gray

• Publisher: HarperCollins e-books
• Year: 2009
• ISBN:
  9780061874734
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

Straight from the heart—real-life couples share inspiring, edifying stories of Mars and Venus in love.

Millions of readers have learned about relationships from John Gray's previous bestsellers, such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus; Mars and Venus on a Date; and Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. Inspired by this enthusiasm, Gray asked a number of readers to share their own stories of how they've put his principles to work in their relationships. The result is this amazing collection of first-person accounts—along with Gray's own enlightening commentary—that will have you laughing, crying, and nodding in recognition.

Gray's contributors answer such questions as:

• What problems have you had in your relationship, and how have you overcome them?
• What special things do you and your partner do for each other?
• How do you best communicate with each other?
• How do you practice what you've learned?
• How does your love feel different now from how it felt before?

Their answers illustrate more eloquently than any textbook how to use Gray's advice and counsel to create your own fulfilling, healthy, and loving relationships.

1

Mars and Venus in Love

Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day, long ago, the Martians traveled in their spaceships to Venus. When they arrived it was love at first sight. Both Martians and Venusians fell madly in love, married and lived happily ever after—that is, until they decided to visit Earth…

At first everything was perfect, but after some time the effects of Earth’s atmosphere began to take hold. Both men and women experienced “selective amnesia.” They forgot they were from different planets.

Without an awareness of how they were different, the Martians began to think the Venusians needed to be fixed, while the Venusians thought the Martians needed to be improved. As they set out to “change” one another, the love they originally felt started to disappear.

Although most of the Martians and Venusians forgot they were different, some were spared. These lucky ones remembered that they were from different planets. With this special insight they continued to grow together in love.

Although most of the Martians and Venusians forgot they were different, some were spared. They continued to grow together in love.

This one realization—that men are from Mars and women are from Venus—has been the missing key for thousands of couples to experience increasing love, better communication, and lasting passion in their relationships.

Unrealistic Expectations

When we mistakenly think men and women are the same, then suddenly our relationships are filled with unrealistic expectations. Women assume men will do the things women do when they love someone. Men assume women will react the way a man would react when he loves someone. Without clear insight into the ways men and women respond differently, it is no wonder that our feelings get hurt and we end up battling with the one we love most.

When we mistakenly think men and women are the same, our relationships are filled with unrealistic expectations.

Through understanding and remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we begin to interpret our partners’ behaviors and responses in a new light. The old war between the sexes becomes instead the misunderstanding of the sexes. Something very magical takes place in our relationships; our hearts are filled with the warm glow of forgiveness and inspired by a new sense of power to realize our hopes and dreams.

Suddenly our relationships look very different. We see that our partners are struggling to be loving and in their own way doing their best. With this new insight, we are able to recognize our partners’ many attempts to be loving. The clouds of confusion, frustration, and disappointment begin to clear and suddenly their actions and reactions start to make sense.

The old war between the sexes is in truth a misunderstanding of the sexes.

When we can see clearly our partners’ loving intention, our relationships automatically begin to change. Instead of feeling rejected or unappreciated, we begin to see the love that not only was always there but is still there.

An Overview of Stories

With this important insight, thousands of couples have discovered how to rekindle the love in their relationships in their own unique ways. Throughout Mars and Venus in Love we will explore their heartfelt and inspiring stories. In their own words, we will share in their successes and learn from their mistakes.

The stories in each chapter will bring you new and crucial insights. While many of these ideas are already outlined and explained in my other books, hearing these stories will assist you in pinpointing some of your own feelings and experiences, and in some cases give you new ways of creating the relationship you want.

It is important to note that not everyone will directly relate to each of these stories—nor should you. Not everyone fits these general descriptions of how men and women are different. These stories were selected because many men and women do relate. As you find yourself or your partner described again and again, you will have a reference point for discussing these ideas with your friends and family and in your intimate relationship.

In chapter 2, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” the stories explore how a deeper understanding of the ways men and women differ generates lasting love. Simply remembering that we are different from one another frees us from feeling rejected and unappreciated, and inspires a willingness to take the time necessary to understand our partners and get what we need.

The stories in chapter 3, “Men and Their Caves,” illustrate how a woman’s understanding of a man’s healthy need to withdraw into his cave can dramatically improve a relationship. Many women have discovered that accepting a man’s need to withdraw at times frees him to be a better listener. And other women find that when they accept a man’s need to withdraw, he comes out more often.

In chapter 4, “Speaking Different Languages,” the stories illustrate how differently men and women communicate—and how different is their understanding of why we talk at all. Both men and women use language to make points and solve problems, but women also use language to discover what they want to say, to talk out their feelings, and often to experience greater intimacy. The stories here show communication improving dramatically as men and women come to understand these differences.

Chapter 5, “The Martians Are Coming,” relates stories of relationships so wounded that they were on the verge of dissolving—and yet, based on new insights into the differences between men and women, were healed and began to flourish. Here we see women and men growing in love and finding ways to get their needs met and to meet their partners’ needs, where before all was confusion and resentment.

Chapter 6, “Greetings from Mars and Venus,” shows the different ways in which women and men give love. Without a clear understanding of these differences, we are frustrated and disappointed in our experiences of love. The stories here serve as real-life examples showing men the importance of making a woman feel cherished, and women the value of expressing appreciation for their mates and their accomplishments.

Finally, in chapter 7, “Mars and Venus Together Forever,” we look at particularly difficult problems at the heart of some marriages—abuse, addiction, deceit, and infidelity. The stories here are memorable not only for what they show about the profound effect of such problems on love, but also for their revelations of the paths away from heartbreak and toward strong, healthy, loving relationships.

In each chapter of Mars and Venus in Love, you will discover new ways to integrate and apply this new understanding of the differences between men and women. Each story will bring an increasing awareness of how to solve the inevitable problems and conflicts that arise not only in our intimate relationships but in all relationships.

The Magic of Sharing Stories

By hearing these relationship stories, to the extent that you can see yourself or your partner in each story, your own understanding of what makes relationships more loving will be automatically reinforced. As you focus on what makes relationships work, those qualities spontaneously become enlivened.

As you discover what may be missing in your relationship, instead of just feeling a loss, you will be inspired by new possibilities of finding fulfillment. As you begin to laugh at your own mistakes or your partner’s mistakes, old resentments are released and your heart is filled with the magic of love and forgiveness.

Whether you are inspired by these success stories or simply grateful for the love and understanding you already have, sharing in the personal transformations of people like yourself—as they grow in their ability to love and respect each other—is a nourishing and enriching experience.

2

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Men and women are different. So different that at times we could be from different planets. Remembering this single idea frees us from blaming our partners and helps us to take the necessary time to understand our partners’ needs. Rather than perceiving our partners’ different ways of acting and reacting as signs of weakness, or as neurotic tendencies that need to be corrected, we can begin to love and accept our partners the way they are. In each of the following stories, men and women share how helpful and reassuring it is to begin understanding the differences between men and women.

We Are Not Alone

Barbara told me this: “Roger and I are wonderfully in love today but it was not always that way. We had constantly felt a tug-of-war feeling. There were so many things that he did that bothered me. When I read Men Are from Mars, it was like John Gray had been following us around in our home. What we thought were our own conversations were written in his book. I had thought it was just us. To know that others were having the same experiences was immensely helpful.

To discover that many other couples are having the same experiences freed us from blaming each other.

“To discover that many other couples are having the same experiences freed us from blaming each other. Each time there was a problem I no longer concluded that something was wrong with Roger. I didn’t feel powerless to get what I wanted and most important I stopped interpreting Roger’s behaviors as signs that he didn’t love me.”

Learning to Back Off

Nell wrote, “My husband, Stuart, is the strong silent type. He is very Martian. I could never know what he was feeling and it made me incredibly insecure. I felt I had to know. How could we ever connect if he didn’t share? How could I make things better if I didn’t know what was bothering him? I knew something was wrong and if he didn’t talk about it, then things were only going to get worse. And sure enough, we didn’t talk and things got worse.

In my attempt to make things better, I was making things worse.

“I never imagined that my trying to get him to talk was making him pull away more and more. When I read about how Martians go to their caves, it helped me understand how in my attempt to make things better, I was making things worse. When I began to back off, everything changed. Stuart started being in a better mood. When he was out of his cave, he was much more attentive and interested in me. I know without this one insight we would still be at war.”

Learning to Listen

Chuck said, “Learning to listen was the most important gift I received from understanding women are from Venus. I had always heard that communication was the most important element in a relationship and I thought I was a great communicator. As a matter of fact, I am a professional communicator—a radio interviewer. Why, then, was my wife so frustrated with me? Why had she stopped talking to me?

Every time she would talk, I would jump in with my solutions.

“I, like most men, became focused on solving the problem. Every time she would talk about what was bothering her, I would jump in with my solutions. I would try to clarify her thinking, correct her feelings, and attempt to solve her problems by offering solutions. I was attempting to solve her every problem except the one problem that she really wanted solved. She was really needing me to ‘just listen.’

“She had been saying that for years, but I never really understood what she meant. I thought ‘just listen’ meant I should let her finish her point before I give my solution. Now I ‘just listen’; I refrain from giving solutions, and suddenly she feels ‘heard.’”

Doing Less and Falling in Love

Marge recounted, “When my friends kept insisting that I read John Gray’s books, I resisted at first. I didn’t want to hear a man telling me what more I should be doing to make my relationship better. Why is it that women are supposed to do all the work to make a relationship better? I was tired of doing more and I wanted my husband, Philip, to do something for a change. Although I didn’t like it, I took my medicine.

“I stopped doing more for him and stopped asking him to do more for me. I dedicated the next month to doing what I liked doing, instead of focusing on changing him.

I stopped cleaning up the kitchen and after the kitchen got real messy he would start to clean it up.

“I stopped trying to get him to talk. He then started asking me questions about my day. I stopped asking him about his day. After a few weeks he started telling me about his. I stopped cleaning up the kitchen and after the kitchen got real messy he would start to clean it up. I would leave all his clothes on the floor and eventually he would pick them up. Although this was not my ideal, it was working.

Appreciating his actions was like some secret magical love potion; immediately he was relieved and at peace.

“I practiced voicing my appreciation for whatever he did. Even though I didn’t want to wait for the kitchen to become a mess before he would clean it up, I did. When he cleaned things up, I smiled and said, ‘It looks really great.’ Appreciating his actions was like some secret magical love potion; immediately he was relieved and at peace. I would have never imagined how much easier it could be. With this one change in my behavior, he changed. Then I started to feel in love again.

“Yes, I had to make a change, but it was not what I thought it would be. I had to let go of wanting things to be a certain way. Yes, our house is messy. Yes, he stays in his cave sometimes for days. But when he is out, we are in love and this is priceless to me. Yes, it is hard for me to hold back from doing everything and then resenting him for not helping or caring; but when I experienced that it works and that we are more in love than ever, it became much easier. It is well worth the price.”

Starting Over

Judy shared, “Between the two of us we have had six marriages. This is the third for each of us. Now, in three days I’m going to be fifty-two years old. If I’m not going to have the best possible relationship after all this time and all this work, why have one at all? I’d rather be on my own than have a compromised relationship. When Ken and I married, I was forty-two, Ken was fifty-one. Adults! Grown-ups! We married to make the next level of commi...