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RETHINKING NARCISSISM
OLD ASSUMPTIONS, NEW IDEAS
The silent killer of all great men and women of achievementâparticularly men, I donât know why, maybe itâs the testosteroneâI think itâs narcissism. Even more than hubris. And for women, too. Narcissism is the killer.
âBEN AFFLECK
Narcissism. The word has soared to such dizzying heights of fame that Narcissus himself would flush with pride. Scan a newspaper or magazine, watch the nightly news or daily talk shows, eavesdrop on commuters on their cellphones, gossip with your next-door neighbor, and the word pops up again and again. Everyoneâs using it: average citizens, actors, social critics, therapists, a US Supreme Court justice, even the pope. Add in that weâre allegedly in the midst of a ânarcissism epidemic,â and itâs easy to see why the term has become ubiquitous. Nothing gets people talking like a disease on the rise, especially if, as Ben Affleck seems to worry, the condition is terminal.
But what does narcissism mean exactly? For a word that gets hurled about with such frequency and fear, its definition seems alarmingly vague. Colloquially, itâs become little more than a popular insult, referring to an excessive sense of selfâself-admiration, self-centeredness, selfishness, and self-importance. The press is apt to slap the description on any celebrity or politician whose publicity stunts or selfie habits have spiraled out of control.
But is that all narcissism is? Vanity? Attention-seeking? In psychological circles the meaning is no less confusing. Narcissism can either be an obnoxious yet common personality trait or a rare and dangerous mental health disorder. Take your pick. But do it soon, because thereâs a strong sentiment among mental health researchers that it shouldnât be considered an illness at all.
As slippery and amorphous as all these views seem to be, they all share a single assumption: narcissism is wholly destructive.
Too bad itâs wrong.
Narcissism can be harmful, true, and the Web is rife with articles and blogs from people whoâve suffered at the hands of extremely narcissistic lovers, spouses, parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues. Their stories are as heartbreaking as they are frightening. But thatâs just a small part of narcissism, not the whole picture. And until all the pieces are in place, we have little hope of understanding how and why narcissism becomes destructive, let alone protecting ourselves when it does.
Today, in contrast, a surprising new view has begun to emerge, one that points to all the ways narcissism seems to help us, too. It even offers some hope for change when our loved ones, just like Narcissus, are in danger of disappearing into themselves forever.
Narcissism is more than a stubborn character flaw or a severe mental illness or a rapidly spreading cultural disease, transmitted by social media. It makes no more sense to assume itâs a problem than it would if we were speaking of heart rate, body temperature, or blood pressure. Because what it is, in fact, is a normal, pervasive human tendency: the drive to feel special.
Indeed, for the past twenty-five years, psychologists have compiled massive amounts of evidence that most people seem convinced theyâre better than almost everyone else on the planet. This wealth of research can only lead us to one inevitable conclusion: the desire to feel special isnât a state of mind reserved for arrogant jerks or sociopaths.
Consider, for example, the findings from a research tool called the âHow I See Myself Scale,â a widely used questionnaire devised to measure âself-enhancementâ (an unrealistically positive self-image). People who fill out the scale are asked to rank themselves on various traits, including warmth, humor, insecurity, and aggressiveness (âDo you think youâre average or in the top 25 percent, 15 percent, or 10 percent?â). In study after study in country after country, the vast majority of participants report having more admirable qualities and fewer repugnant ones than most of their peers. After reviewing decades of findings, University of Washington psychologist Jonathan Brown has concluded, âInstead of viewing themselves as average and common, most people think of themselves as exceptional [emphasis added] and unique.â This pervasive phenomenon has been dubbed âthe better than average effect.â
Lest you fear that these results are evidence of a global social plague, the truth is a slightly outsized ego has its benefits. In fact, numerous studies have found that people who see themselves as better than average are happier, more sociable, and often more physically healthy than their humbler peers. The swagger in their step is associated with a host of positive qualities, including creativity, leadership, and high self-esteem, which can propel success at work. Their rosy self-image imbues them with confidence and helps them endure hardship, even after devastating failure or horrific loss.
Bosnian War survivors provide a dramatic example. Psychologists and social workers who evaluated a group of survivors for depression, interpersonal difficulties, and other âpsychological problemsâ found that those who considered themselves better than average were in better shape than those who had a more realistic view of themselves. A similar pattern emerged among survivors of 9/11. Feeling special seems to help survivors of tragedy face the future with less fear and greater hope.
The converse appears to be true as well: people who donât feel special often suffer higher rates of depression and anxiety; theyâre also less likely to admire their partners. Itâs not that their view of the world is wrong; very often itâs more accurate compared to people who think highly of themselves. But they sacrifice their happiness for that realism; they see themselves, their partners, and the world itself, in slightly dimmer light. Researchers call this the âsadder but wiser effect.â
Itâs ironic in a way, the reverse of what weâve been taught about narcissism. Itâs not bad, but good to feel a little better than our fellow human beings, to feel special. In fact, we may need to. Where the trouble liesâwhether narcissism hurts or helps, is healthy or unhealthyâdepends entirely on the degree to which we feel special.
Narcissism, it turns out, exists on a spectrum. In moderation, it can, by inspiring our imagination and sparking a passion for life, open up our experience and expand our sense of our own potential. It can even deepen our love for family, friends, and partners. By far, the most powerful predictor of success in romantic relationships is our tendency to view our partners as better than they actually are. I call this âfeeling special by association.â
Psychologists Benjamin Le of Haverford College and Natalie Dove of Eastern Michigan University recently reviewed more than 100 studies involving nearly 40,000 people in romantic relationships and found that whether a couple stayed together beyond a few weeks or months depended most strongly not on partners having winning personalities, robust self-esteem, or feelings of closeness, but on one or both people holding positive illusionsâthat is, they viewed their partners as smarter, more talented, and more beautiful than they were by objective standards. Believing that weâre holding hands with the most amazing person in the room makes us feel special, too.
But while moderate narcissism can enhance love, too much can diminish or even destroy it. When people grow dependent on feeling special, they become grandiose and arrogant. They stop thinking that their partners are the best or most important people in the room because they need to claim that distinction for themselves. And they lose the capacity to see the world from any point of view other than their own. These are the true narcissists, and at their worst, they also display two other traits of a so-called âdark triadâ: a complete lack of remorse and a penchant for manipulation.
Surprisingly, too little narcissism can be harmful as well. Remember Echo? Sheâs the part of the myth we usually forget. She has no voice of her own. Sheâs self-abnegating, nearly invisible. The less people feel special, the more self-effacing they become until, at last, they have so little sense of self they feel worthless and impotent. I call these people echoists.
Danger, then, lurks toward the ends of the narcissism spectrum. Only in the middle, where the need to stand out from 7 billion other humans doesnât blind us to the needs and feelings of others, lies health and happiness.
Another notion that weâve mistakenly become wedded to is that our degree of narcissism is fixed throughout our lifetime. The fact is even healthy narcissism typically waxes and wanes, subsides and erupts, depending on our life circumstances and our age. When weâre sick, for example, we normally move up the spectrum; weâll feel more deserving of othersâ time and care, even more entitled to it, than our healthier peers and family members. Similarly at work, when we feel the need to be recognized, admired, and appreciatedâsay when weâre gunning for promotionâour narcissism spikes. In such instances, our hopes for the future ride on standing out from the herd. There are also specific life stages during which we need to see ourselves as special, such as pregnancy and adolescence; and others that move us toward Echoâs end of the continuum, such as caring for a newborn or deferring our dreams to help support a partnerâs career. Both of these circumstances demand that we scale back our need to be in the spotlight.
But these peaks and valleys generally donât last forever. The crisis or transition passes and the drive to feel special returns to a healthy level. If weâve moved closer to Echoâs end of the spectrum, we find our voice again. And even if weâve won the work promotion and quietly think weâre better than our colleagues, the need to prove that to ourselvesâand the worldâisnât nearly as pressing. If it is, weâre no longer in healthy territory.
Another commonâand wrongâassumption is that damaging narcissists are always easy to spot. Yes, the loud, vain, self-aggrandizing ones who daily pop on our TV screens and stream through social media certain...