How to Make Anyone Like You

Proven Ways To Become A People Magnet

Leil Lowndes

• Publisher: Thorsons
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN:
  9780008387051
• eBook ISBN:
  9780007374106
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Applied Psychology
• Index: Psychology

From internationally renowned relationships expert Leil Lowndes comes this easy-to-read blend of tips, tricks and advice to charm anyone. This is the ultimate guide to the art of charming everyone you meet.

Ever wanted to enter a room full of strangers and leave with new friends? Or find the key to being Miss Popular or Mr Charming?

With bestselling author and renowned life coach Leil Lowndes, you can.

In this compelling and entertaining book, she reveals the psychology behind mingling and even how to attract a love interest from the other side of the room, as well as uncovering tools for building a network and support system of friends. You'll learn how to:

• Have a confident conversation with anyone, anywhere
• Enjoy a party, even when the room is full of strangers
• Make your outward appearance reflect your best self
• Find romance, kindle the flames and make it last
• Discover the unique qualities that make you a people magnet

You don't have to travel far to find friends or love. Simply open your eyes, look around and see each stranger as a friend or lover you haven't met yet!

Think back to your college or sixth-form days. Remember the Big Man On Campus, the Prom Queen, the Cheerleaders – the real ‘cool’ kids. In most schools, these were the kids everyone envied. These were the kids everybody dressed like, tried to walk and talk like, and the ones they wanted to be seen strolling into class with. If you were like most teenagers, you probably wanted to date them or be their best friend. You wanted them to like you, and you hoped some of their stardust would rub off on you.

But, deep down, did you really like them? I mean really like them? Here’s a test. Let’s say you are paddling a canoe on a big lake and suddenly you spot two men who can’t swim on a quickly sinking raft. They’re both howling, ‘Help me, Help me!’ As you row frantically towards the raft, you see that one of them is Luke, the Big Man on Campus. The other is... Oh no. It can’t be! It’s Frank! He’s your dorky, doggedly-devoted, forever-faithful follower from the old neighbourhood where you both grew up. Your canoe is tiny and you only have room to row one of them to safety.

Now, one hand on your heart, the other on the Bible, who would you choose? Frank? Of course you would. How do I know? Because, surprising new studies show that being liked and popularity in the sense we knew it in school are NOT the same thing. And, when the chips are down, we help people we really like first.

But is being popular really being liked?

It’s a strange phenomenon, yet it happens all over the world. As soon as two or more kids get together, they form a pecking order, just like chickens on a farm. Ask any kid, from reception class up, ‘Who are the popular kids? And who are the unpopular kids?’ He or she can tell you immediately.⁹

Up until recently, everyone thought being popular in school was, by definition, being liked by lots of people. But when researchers started asking schoolkids confidentially, ‘Who is popular?’ and ‘Who do you like?’, they got a big shock. Not only did many students not like the popular kids, they resented them. They wanted to be in their clique only to increase their own status. And 11 per cent of the students admitted to downright despising the kids everyone else considered so cool.¹⁰

Upon further questioning, researchers discovered that many of these cool kids were indeed mean.¹¹ They created a false sense of exclusivity by not ever hanging out with their less popular schoolmates. Often it was to cover their own insecurities. That’s not the kind of popularity we’re talking about here.

This covert cliquish of popularity that caused two boys to kill is not what were talking about here. We are exploring the qualities that empower you for kindness and compassion, and make people want to be part of your world today, tomorrow and forever.

What’s your OQ? (Optimism Quotient)

To find out precisely what qualities make people like us, the American Sociological Association conducted a vast study.¹² The results? At the top of the list was having a positive optimistic personality and confidence in yourself.

I’m sure you’ve seen the TV interviews with the athletes just before the tennis match, the football game, the wrestling match. The reporter asks the tennis player, ‘Do you think you’re going to win?’ She replies, ‘Definitely.’ In another interview, the reporter asks the opponent the same question, and her answer is the same – ‘Absolutely.’

Or a reporter asks a boxer, ‘Are you going to win?’ He replies ‘I’m-a gonna kill da mudder fudder.’ Then he asks the contender the same question. He answers, ‘Ha! I ain’t gonna swap leather for more den 15 seconds wit dat powder puff before he kisses da canvas.’

Whenever I heard these interviews, I thought ‘What vulgar crude arrogance. One of them must know he’s kidding himself. Both sides can’t be cocksure of success.’

I’m older and wiser now and I realize that, to be successful, you must be genuinely confident. You can’t just put on the face of confidence for the competition – or for the meeting or the party or the date. You have to feel confidence pulsing through your veins. Your heart has to be the drum that beats out the rhythm of confidence. Every word that comes out of your mouth has to be the lyrics of confidence.

Olympic athletes don’t just ‘get it up for the game’. They practise getting into what some of them call The Zone so that it’s all there for the competition. Leading up to that is years of training their bodies to move instinctively, without losing precious seconds stopping to figure out what to do next.

Likewise, you must train your body to react instinctively for success, without thinking about it. Your game isn’t throwing a javelin or hurling a discus. It’s waking up each day like the little choo-choo train who said ‘I can do it.’

Perhaps you remember the children’s story of the little red choo-choo that had to climb a big mountain. It was huffing and puffing and having horrendous difficulty. But with each huff and puff, the little train expressed, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ And the little red choo did.

In fact, because of the little red choo, I met a friend in college who remains a good mate to this day. I was at a fraternity house party and, due to a severe case of shyness, was trying to meld into the wallpaper. Since nobody was talking to me, I ambled over to the fireplace and feigned interest in a toy wooden train engine on the mantelpiece.

A few moments later, above my head behind me, I heard a Texas drawl, ‘Excuse me ma’am, but I just couldn’t help but admire you while you’re admiring my choo-choo train there.’ I whirled around to find myself facing a huge chest. I slowly followed it up with my eyes until I reached the face of a tall grinning Texan. Sensing my shyness, he proceeded to tell me a story, the story of how his father had given the train to him when he was a kid, as a symbol of the ‘I can do anything’ thinking.

He made conversing easy and we spent the rest of the party talking (‘makin’ chin music’, he called it.) Soon we got around to the subject of what we wanted to do after college. He told me that when his dad passed away without having taken out any insurance, the family was left with nothing but the house they lived in. That inspired him to enter the field of selling life insurance.

Two things stuck in my mind about that conversation. First, Dale told me a true story – the story of what inspired him to enter the field. He didn’t just wind up selling life insurance because that was the best way to make a buck. He created a true and inspiring story. (Keep that in mind, because we’ll get back to it in Part V, when we talk about marketing yourself the way celebrity makers market stars.)

The second characteristic I remember was the calm assurance he exuded from the top of his ten-gallon hat to the tip of his pointy kill-a-cockroach-in-the-corner boots. He didn’t say, ‘I want to sell life insurance.’ He didn’t say, ‘I’ll try to be the best life insurance man in Texas.’ Dale said, ‘I will be the best life insurance salesman in Texas.’ And today he is.

It’s no wonder. People enjoy buying from him because he never lets his own problems get others down. He had a beautiful office building just on the outskirts of Dallas. During a big storm there several years ago, his roof blew off, the trees came crashing down, the office floors were badly flooded, and most of the furniture and paper records were destroyed. His phones were obviously out of order, so that night I called him at home and asked if his office survived the storm.

He said, ‘Honey, I bet you been walkin’ a hole in the carpet over this. It was blowin’ so hard you could spit in your own eye. But don’t you worry, everybody’s fine. Though the office got plucked cleaner than a Thanksgiving turkey, we’ll be back in business better ‘n ever within the week.’

And so he was. Even when he was talking about a torrential rainstorm, Dale was able to spread a bit of sunshine on his listeners.

Dale carried a pocketful of sunshine with him, which made people glow wherever he went. Not only did he always look on the bright side of things, but he looked at everything from the other person’s perspective, thus winning their hearts. I think that was one of his most winning ways.

One rainy morning several years ago, when I was giving a speech in Dallas, Dale and I met at a coffee shop for a very early breakfast and then a tour of his new offices. We were the only customers in the coffee shop. He placed his order by saying to the waitress, ‘Ma’am, I bet you hate the smell of ham and eggs this early, but...’

‘No problem!’ the waitress said, grinning from ear to ear. Dale was looking at his order from her standpoint.

Paying the tab, he said to the cashier, ‘How do you like that? I’m your first customer of the day and you’re stuck trying to make change from a 50-dollar bill. I sure hope it doesn’t clean you out.’

‘No problem,’ said the cashier, smiling broadly and forking over the $35 change.

On the way to his new building, we stopped at a petrol station. ‘Buddy, it’s a durn shame you have to come out in this rain just to fill up some dude’s gas tank.’

‘No problem, sir.’ Smiles.

As we entered Dale’s lobby, the doorman held the door for us. Dale’s greeting? ‘I sure am sorry. They’re gonna be some sloppy galoshes messin’ up your floor today.’

Under his big rainhat, I could see the doorman’s enormous, no-problem smile.

The phone was ringing as Dale unlocked his offices. The secretary wasn’t in yet, so he grabbed it. All I heard was, ‘I’m so sorry ma’am, you just wasted your quarter. You’re going to have to look up that number again ’cos no one named Betty Ann works here.’ Even a wrong number got Dale’s looking-at-it-from-his-listener’s-perspective treatment. As he hung up, I imagined the caller smiling, even though she’d just wasted her time and money on a wrong number.

I’ve dubbed Dale’s knack of putting everything in his listener’s perspective ‘In Your Shoes’ communicating. Recently, I’ve started using it with everyone I can. The results are phenomenal! Smiles break out all over. Try it. You can use it in practically all conversations. You’ll find it works especially well with strangers.

For example, suppose you are on holiday and you are hopelessly lost. You have no idea where your hotel is. Thank heavens, you spot a policeman and you can ask directions.

Instead of saying, ‘Hey, where is the Midtown Hotel?’, or even ‘Excuse me, could you tell me where the Midtown Hotel is?’, venture an ‘In Your Shoes’ way of asking.

‘I know it’s not your job, but could you direct me to the Midtown Hotel?’

‘I bet you’re really tired of people asking, but could you direct me to...?’

‘I bet you’re thinking, “Oh oh, here comes another lost tourist.” And you’re right. But could you...?’

‘I know you’re here on a much more important assignment to protect life and limb, but could you tell me where...?’

Not only will you get a smile, but you’ll get extra good directions.

Whenever you say anything to anybody, pretend you are not the speaker, but the listener. What is the listener thinking and feeling when you speak to him or her? Then, whenever appropriate, speak from your listener’s perspective. Try it! You’ll see scowls turn to smiles, dullness turn to delight and NO turns to YES!

Here is the first clause in How to Make Anyone Like You. Since it is for both men and women, I’ve marked it with both

and

. If you are going to make a sincere effort to speak from your listener’s p...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Also by Leil Lowndes
• Dedication
• Contents
• Introduction
• How to be a people magnet
• Friends, lovers and Knights
• Why this book is guaranteed to work!
• Part I: Making strangers like you instantly!
• Part II: Friends and lovers: How to find them, how to keep them
• Part III: Cupid’s secrets: Sexy schemes for luring lovers – and keeping them
• Part IV: Networking: Recruiting Knights for my personal Round Table
• Part V: Marketing me!: Just like Hollywood celebrity makers promote a star
• Appendix A – How to say it to the opposite sex
• Appendix B – The e-mail sent to me by Dr Stan on ‘smart women’
• Appendix C – What love equity theorists would say about your compatibility
• Appendix D – Reading her subconscious ‘sex signals’
• Appendix E – The minute-an-hour treatment
• Appendix F – On developing a deeper sense of self
• Back Ads
• Notes
• About the author
• Copyright
• About the Publisher