How To Write: A Screenplay

Mark Evan Schwartz

• Publisher: Continuum
• Year: 2007
• ISBN:
  9781441183729
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: Film Screenwriting

There are hundreds of books on the market, all trying to teach you how to write a screenplay. Several of them are excellent and useful books. But never - until now - has there been a screenwriting manual written in the form of a screenplay. Our hero, the aspiring screenwriter Danny, is hopelessly in love with Bebe, a hot young starlet. But Bebe won't go out with Danny until he proves that he can write a brilliant screenplay for her. Helped along the way by a mysterious guide (Virgil) with seemingly magical powers, Danny travels to Screenwriting Hell to see what happens to writers who never make the grade. Virgil teaches him the tricks of the trade, the fundamental techniques that all screenwriters have to master, no matter how great their ideas. But there's something a little strange about Virgil, and Danny is never sure whether to trust him or not... As well as the screenplay itself, the book includes an introduction explaining how to get the most out of the screenplay, the log line, the synopsis, character bios, the treatment, and "The Pitch" - a short scene that shows the author pitching his screenplay to a big-shot producer.

THE PITCH

an original screenplay

by

Mark Evan Schwartz

Contact:

Mark Evan Schwartz

Loyola Marymount University

School of Film & Television

One LMU Drive

Los Angeles, CA 90045-2659

INT. SHOWER STALL – MORNING

Pounding water. Steam swirls, misting the translucent stall, silhouetting someone mumbling.

SCREENWRITER

(to himself)

Okay, okay. Character, conflict, genre.
Character, conflict, genre. Got them down,
three key elements of the pitch. Character,
conflict, and genre . . .

The shower’s turned off.

INT. BATHROOM – MORNING

A hand wipes across a clouded mirror, revealing the smudged reflection of a soaking wet

SCREENWRITER

In his mid-twenties. Hair plastered to his forehead, towel wrapped around his waist, he looks himself straight in the eye. A flicker of anxiety.

SCREENWRITER

So, uh, there’s this writer, see. He is a, you know,

a screenwriter. And he, he—

REFLECTION

Wait!

Screenwriter startles.

His REFLECTION suddenly takes on a life of its own, grimaces.

REFLECTION

Man, put a break on it.

Screenwriter, shaken, falls silent.

REFLECTION

First of all, I don’t see. Second of all, I don’t know. And third . . . Stop stammering! How am I supposed to buy into your story if you can’t even show confidence in yourself!?

SCREENWRITER

Well, that’s why I’m practicing my pitch.

REFLECTION

With me?

SCREENWRITER

With myself.

His reflection sarcastically chortles.

REFLECTION

Like myself is really gonna get caught up in all the unpredictable twists and turns of my story.

SCREENWRITER

Guess I’m not going to say anything I haven’t heard before, am I?

REFLECTION

Don’t miss a trick, do you?

Screenwriter rubs his chin. A moment of introspection.

REFLECTION

There’s nothing wrong with going over it in front of a mirror. Good way to work on your appearance.

Screenwriter smoothes back his wet hair. Effects a cocky grin and swagger.

REFLECTION

But find someone fresh to the concept. Try it out on them, gauge their reactions.

INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

A blood-curdling scream.

BABY

WHHHAAAA!!!!

Casually dressed in jeans and a nice shirt, the Screenwriter gestures enthusiastically.

SCREENWRITER

They turn! And find themselves surrounded by an army of salivating flesh-eating zombies!

Still in her robe, pretty in spite of disheveled hair and bags under her eyes, his WIFE struggles to spoon-feed their three month old colicky BABY, wailing in her highchair.

SCREENWRITER

Well? What do you think so far?

BABY

WHHHAAAAA!!!!

Wife manages a tired smile.

WIFE

Cute.

BABY

WHHHAAAAAA!!!!

SCREENWRITER

(taken aback)

Dudes’re about to be K-rationed for brunch. And you think it’s cute?

WIFE

Because I think you’re cute.

She pats his cheek. Leaving a smear of applesauce on it as she leans over the baby with a bowl, to give her a spoonful.

BABY

WHHHAAAAAA!!!!

WIFE

You are too, precious wittle-muffie-puffie.

BABY

WHHHAAAAA!!!!

Baby smacks away her mommy’s hand, sending the spoon and bowl flying. Applesauce splatters all over the wall and floor.

BABY

WHHHHAAAA!!!!

Wife smiles with determined delight.

WIFE

(ever sweet)

Such a good right hook!

Glaring at her husband, her smile crumbles into an exhausted frown.

WIFE

There’s a case in the garage.

BABY

WHHHAAAA!!!!

On dazed autopilot, she plods out of the kitchen. The baby stops crying. Keeps her tiny voice low, yet urgent.

BABY

Before she gets back. Quick! Two of us need to huddle.

SCREENWRITER

When did you start—?

BABY

(cutting him off)

Really think, for even a freakin’ moment, she can be objective?

SCREENWRITER

Kind of hoped.

BABY

She’s too close to you, pop.

SCREENWRITER

Because she’s my wife?

BABY

And mother of me, for crying out loud, your darling little bundle of joy!

Screenwriter rubs his chin again. A mome...