How to Be Compassionate

A Handbook for Creating Inner Peace and a Happier World

His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Jeffrey Hopkins, Jeffrey Hopkins

• Publisher: Atria Books
• Year: 2011
• ISBN:
  9781451623925
• Topic: Theologie & Religion
• Subtopic: Buddhismus

Each one of us is responsible for all of humankind, and for the environment in which we live.... We must seek to lessen the suffering of others. Rather than working solely to acquire wealth, we need to do something meaningful, something seriously directed toward the welfare of humanity as a whole. To do this, you need to recognize that the whole world is part of you. —from How to Be Compassionate The surest path to true happiness lies in being intimately concerned with the welfare of others. Or, as His Holiness the Dalai Lama would say, in compassion. In How to Be Compassionate, His Holiness reveals basic mistakes of attitude that lead us to inner turmoil, and how we can correct them to achieve a better tomorrow. He demonstrates precisely how opening our hearts and minds to other people is the best way to overcome the misguided ideas that are at the root of all our problems. He shows us how compassion can be a continuous wellspring of happiness in our own lives and how our newfound happiness can extend outward from us in ever wider and wider circles. As we become more compassionate human beings, our friends, family, neighbors, loved ones—and even our enemies—will find themselves less frequently in the thrall of destructive emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear, prompting them to become more warmhearted, kind, and harmonious forces within their own circles. With simple language and startling clarity, His Holiness makes evident as never before that the path to global harmony begins in the hearts of individual women and men. Enlivened by personal anecdotes and intimate accounts of the Dalai Lama's experiences as a student, thinker, political leader, and Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, How to Be Compassionate gives seekers of all faiths the keys to overcoming anger, hatred, and selfishness— the primary obstacles to happiness—and to becoming agents of positive transformation in our communities and the world at large.

1
Does Anger Protect You?

MISTAKE: USING ANGER TO FIGHT ANGER

It may be that if you remain a humble, honest, and contented person, some of your friends, neighbors, coworkers, or rivals will take advantage of you. Simply allowing this to happen may be counterproductive for you, your family, and others. However, anger cannot be overcome by anger. If a person shows anger to you, and you show anger in return, the result is a disaster. If you nurse hatred, you will never be happy, even in the lap of luxury. By contrast, if you control your anger and show its opposite—love, compassion, tolerance, and patience—then not only do you remain in peace, but gradually the anger of others also will diminish.

No one can argue with the fact that in the presence of anger, peace is impossible. It is only through kindness and love that peace of mind can be achieved. Although anger may lead to temporary success, and yield some satisfaction for a brief period, ultimately anger will cause further difficulties. (There is no need to enumerate the many instances of this throughout history, including in this new century.) With anger, all actions are swift. When we face problems with sincere concern for others, success may take longer, but it will be more durable.

When someone is trying to take advantage of you, first you must clearly understand that this other person is a human being, and has a right to be happy. With respect and compassion toward that person, you can act according to the circumstances he or she has created. This means responding strongly if necessary, but never losing your compassionate perspective.

In fact, compassion is the only way to handle such a problem, since anger and irritation will only make effective action more difficult. At first, it may be a struggle to maintain compassion for someone who is being threatening or hurtful, but if you try again and again, you will find the way to react as strongly as the circumstances demand without losing a loving attitude.

Anger needs to be controlled, but not hidden from yourself. Recognize your reactions; do not deny them, for if you do, your compassion will be superficial. When others are mean or nasty to you it is difficult to stay compassionate, but it is not unlike the relationship between kind parents and their children. Sometimes a child is foolish and naughty, and in order to stop that behavior, the mother or father acts in accordance with the circumstances; this may require strong or harsh words, perhaps even punishing the child, but without losing compassion. That is the way to handle the problem.

Summary Reflection

1. If a person shows anger to you, and you show anger in return, the result is a disaster.

2. However, if you control your anger and show its opposite—love, compassion, tolerance, and patience—then not only do you remain in peace, but gradually the anger of others also will diminish.

3. Anger may lead to temporary success, yielding a little satisfaction for a brief period, but ultimately will cause further difficulties.

4. When someone tries to take advantage of you, first you must clearly understand that this person is a human being, and has a right to be happy.

5. Then, you can act according to the circumstances he or she has created, responding strongly if necessary, but never losing your compassionate perspective.

Compassion is the key.

2
Learning That Tough Circumstances Can Be Valuable

MISTAKE: REACTING TO ADVERSE SITUATIONS AS JUST HATEFUL

In my own life, the most difficult periods have been the times when I have gained the most knowledge and experience. If everything is going well, you can maintain the pretense that life is a smooth ride. However, when you face really desperate situations you have to deal with reality. Another benefit of adversity is that hard times can build determination and inner strength. Through them, we can also come to appreciate the uselessness of anger. We can even learn to nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers, because, by creating trying circumstances, they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience. This is not easy to appreciate, so let us explore this topic further.

During a difficult period you can learn to develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face your problems. If you become discouraged, that is the real failure; you have lost a valuable chance to develop. To remain determined is itself a gain. During a difficult period you can come closer to reality, to peeling off all pretensions. When things are going smoothly, life can easily become like an official ceremony in which protocol, such as how you walk and how you speak, becomes more important than content. But at a time of crisis it becomes obvious that these ritual trappings are pointless—you have to become more practical.

When we are happy and everything is going according to plan, transformative practice doesn’t seem urgent, but when we face unavoidable problems such as sickness, old age, death, or other very difficult situations, it becomes crucial to control our emotions, and to use our good human mind to determine how to face that problem with patience and calm.

My life has not been an altogether happy one; I have had to pass through many difficult times, including losing my country to Chinese Communist invaders, and trying to re-establish our culture in countries outside Tibet. Yet, I regard these difficult periods as among the most important times in my life. Through them, I have gained many new experiences and learned many new ideas.

When I was young and living high above the Tibetan city of Lhasa in the Potala Palace, I frequently looked at the life of the city through a telescope. I also learned a lot from the gossip of the sweepers in the palace; they served as my newspaper, telling me what the Regent was doing, and what corruption and scandals were going on. I was always happy to listen, and they were proud to be telling the Dalai Lama what was happening in the streets. But the harsh events that unfolded after the invasion in 1950 forced me to become directly involved in issues that otherwise would have been kept at a distance. Over the years, I have come to prefer the life I now lead, committed to social action in this world of suffering.

The most difficult time for me came after the Chinese army invaded Tibet, when I was trying to satisfy the invaders so that the situation would not worsen. When a small delegation of Tibetan officials signed a seventeen-point agreement with the Chinese without my consent, or that of the Tibetan government, we were left with no alternative but to attempt to work within that agreement. Many Tibetans resented it, but when they expressed their opposition, the Chinese reacted even more harshly. I was caught in the middle, trying to cool down the situation.

Without consulting me, the two acting prime ministers of Tibet complained about conditions to the Chinese government; I was then asked to dismiss them. This is the kind of problem I had to face every day, as long as we were in Tibet.

Against Chinese wishes, I went to India in 1956 to celebrate the Buddha’s 2,500th birthday. While I was there, I had to make the difficult decision of whether or not to return to Tibet. I was receiving messages about open revolts against the Chinese in eastern Tibet, and many officials in Tibet advised that it would not be safe for me to return. Also, from past experience I knew that as China developed more military strength in Tibet, its attitude would become harsher. We could see that there was not much hope, but at that time it was not clear that we would have a full guarantee of support from the government of India, or from any other government. In the end I chose to return to Tibet, where the situation became more and more complicated and difficult.

Three years later, in 1959, when I joined a mass escape to India, the situation became easier because I no longer faced the dilemma of choosing which path to take. The decision made, we could now put all of our energy and time into building a healthy community, with a modern system of education for our children and young people, while at the same time trying to preserve our traditional ways of studying and practicing Buddhism. Now, we were able to work in an atmosphere of freedom, without fear.

Looking back, I can see how my own practice has benefited from a life of great turbulence and trouble. You, too, can come to see the hardships you endure as deepening your practice.

Real compassion extends to each and every sentient being, not just to friends, or family, or those in terrible situations. True love and compassion extend even to those who wish to harm you. Try to imagine that your enemies are purposefully making trouble in order to help you accumulate positive forces for shaping the future, what Buddhists call “merit,” by facing them with patience. If your life goes along too easily, you become soft. Trying circumstances help you develop inner strength, and the courage to face difficulty without emotional breakdown. Who teaches this? Not your friend, but your enemy.

ADVERSITY HELPS BUILD CHARACTER

Anger destroys love and compassion, and anger is undermined by patience, which is best practiced with an enemy. Without adversaries, you could not fully engage in the practice of patience—tolerance and forbearance. We need enemies to strengthen our practice, and from this spiritual viewpoint we can even be grateful to them. In terms of training in altruism, an enemy is really your guru, your teacher. Since enemies are the greatest teachers of altruism, instead of generating hatred for them, we must view them with gratitude.

Look at it this way: it is not necessary for someone to be favorably disposed toward you in order for you to respect and cherish them. For example, when we want rain and it rains, we are grateful, even though there is no motivation on the part of the shower to help us.

The presence or absence of motivation makes no difference in terms of whether something or someone can help us accumulate merit. Therefore, even though our enemies may be motivated by the desire to harm us, they can do us tremendous good. Enemies are the best way to cultivate the highly meritorious virtue of patience. And without patience, you could not develop true love and compassion, because you would be distracted by irritation.

Meditation

Here is a way to appreciate the value of enemies

1. Consider that in order to build character, the practice of patience is essential.

2. See that the best way to practice patience requires an enemy.

3. Understand that in this way enemies are very valuable for the opportunities they provide.

4. Decide that instead of getting angry with those who block your wishes, you will inwardly respond with gratitude.

By seeing things this way, you can change your attitude toward adversity. This is very difficult, but very rewarding. By considering the matter deeply, you will see that even great enemies who intend you serious harm are also, in a sense, extending great kindness to you. For only when faced with the work of enemies can you learn real inner strength.

Enemies give us this kind of chance. Also, in terms of the practice of patience, an enemy is the most benevolent of helpers. Through cultivating patience your merit increases, therefore enemies are primary instigators of our spiritual advancement.

REFLECTING ON CHANGE

Examine your feelings to see who is being held closely and who is being considered at a distance. Investigate the matter this way:

You naturally feel close to your friend; regarding your enemy, you feel not only distant, but sometimes anger or irritation; you feel nothing for a neutral person. However, it is by no means certain that a friend, an enemy, or a neutral person will at all times either help, harm, or do neither. When you are generating negative thoughts, and negative feelings such as hatred or anger, even a friend is seen as an enemy; when negative thoughts toward an enemy disappear, the enemy becomes a friend.

By reflecting in these ways, you can loosen the hold that afflictive emotions like anger and hatred have on you.

3
Cherishing Others as a Way to Happiness

MISTAKE: BEING EGOTISTICAL

Could you put others first, and consider yourself next? Surprisingly, perhaps, you will find that this approach works even from a selfish viewpoint. Let me explain how this is possible. You want happiness and do not want suffering, and if you show other people kindness, love, and respect, they will respond in kind, increasing your happiness. If you show other people anger and hatred, they will show you the same, and you will lose your own happiness.

So, I say, if you are selfish, be wisely selfish. Ordinary selfishness focuses only on your own needs, but if you are wisely selfish, you will treat everyone just as well as you now treat those close to you. This strategy will produce more satisfaction for you, and more happiness. So, even from a selfish viewpoint, you get better results by respecting others, serving others, and reducing your own self-centeredness.

Be wisely selfish. Wise people serve others sincerely, putting the needs of others above their own. The ultimate result will be that you will get more happiness. The kind of selfishness that sets off fighting, quarreling, stealing, and harsh words—forgetting other people’s welfare, always thinking “I, I, I,”—will result in your own loss. Others may speak nice words in front of you, but behind your back they will not speak so nicely. They will make note of your selfishness and respond in kind. The remedy is to be sincerely concerned with the well-being of others, and to act accordingly.

After all, even though currently you may not be concerned with other people, you are very much concerned with yourself, no question about it, which means that you must want to achieve a peaceful mind and a happier daily life. The best way to do that is by practicing more kindness and tolerance. There is no need to change the furniture in your house, or move to a new home. Your neighbor may be very noisy, or very difficult, but so long as your own mind is calm and peaceful, neighbors will not bother you much. If you are calm, even your enemy cannot disturb you. However, if you are generally irritable, even when your best friend visits, you cannot become really happy.

This is why I say that you are better off being wisely selfish. This way you can fulfill your selfish motive to be happy. That is much better than being self-centered, or foolishly selfish, which will not succeed in bringing you more happiness.

Try this approach. I think you will be delighted with the result.

4
We Are Our Own Troublemakers

MISTAKE: INFLATING ATTRACTION

Both ...