The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Robert Byrne

• Publisher: Touchstone
• Year: 2004
• eBook ISBN: 9780743277556

Drawing from diverse personages from Goethe to Churchill to Woody Allen, The 2, 548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said is a witty wise quotation collection that deserves a special place on every humor lover's bookshelf. These unique, funny, and outrageous quotations, previously published in four separate volumes, are now gathered together in a seemingly limitless trove of pithy and often irreverent one-liners, retorts, put-downs, jokes, and last words that cover every conceivable subject and will appeal to every taste. Highlights include: —W. C. Fields: "Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
— George Burns: " "Happiness is having a large loving family in another city." And many more.

1

Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

—P. G. Wodehouse (1881–1975)

2

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

—Woody Allen

3

If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.

—Alfonso the Wise (1221–1284)

4

The gods play games with men as balls.

—Titus Maccius Plautus (254?–184 B.C.)

5

He was a wise man who invented God.

—Plato (427?–348? B.C.)

6

Plato is a bore.

—Friedrich Nietzsche (1844–1900)

7

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

—Peter De Vries

8

Man is a god in ruins.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803–1882)

9

God has always been hard on the poor.

—Jean Paul Marat (1743–1793)

10

Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

—Montaigne (1553–1592)

11

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Unless you die of something.

—Guindon cartoon caption

12

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said “No.”

—Margaret “Stevie” Smith (1902–1971)

13

Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed.

—Bertrand Russell (1872–1970)

14

Religions change; beer and wine remain.

—Hervey Allen (1889–1949)

15

The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.

—Unknown

16

In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.

—Francesco Caracciolo (1752–1799)

17

Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.

—Robert Neville

18

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

—Kingsley Amis

19

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.

—Unknown

20

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

—Mark Twain (1835–1910)

21

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

—Herb Caen

22

I’m astounded by people who want to “know” the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

—Woody Allen

23

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

—James Thurber (1894–1961)

24

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.

—Margaret Bonnano

25

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

—Charles Schulz (1922–2000)

26

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty - what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

—Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884–1980)

27

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building.

—Charles Schulz (1922–2000)

28

Life is like an overlong drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews.

—John Updike

29

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

—Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948)

30

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

—Samuel Butler (1835–1902)...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
• Sources, References, and Notes
• Principal Sources of Artwork
• Index of Authors
• Index of Subjects and Key Words