Controlling People

How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

Patricia Evans

• Publisher: Adams Media
• Year: 2003
• ISBN:
  9781440501906
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Personality in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Learn how to "break the spell" of control with this bestseller hailed by Oprah Winfrey. Controlling People reveals the thought processes of those who try to control others and provides a "spell-breaking" mind-set for those who suffer this insidious manipulation. Does this sound like someone you know?*Always needs to be right
*Tells you who you are and what you think
*Implies that you're wrong or inadequate when you don't agree
*Is threatened by people who are "different"
*Feels attacked when questioned
*Doesn't seem to really hear or see youIf any of the above traits sounds familiar, help is on the way! In Controlling People, bestselling author Patricia Evans, tackles the "controlling personality, " and reveals how and why these people try to run other people's lives. She also explains the compulsion that makes them continue this behavior—even as they alienate others and often lose those they love. Controlling People helps you unravel the senseless behavior that plagues both the controller and the victim. Can the pattern or spell be broken? YES, says the author.By understanding the compelling force involved, you can be a catalyst for change and actually become a spell-breaker. Once the spell is broken and the controller sees others as they really are, a genuine connection can be forged and healing can occur.Should you ever find yourself in the thrall of someone close to you, Controlling People is here to give you the wisdom, power, and comfort you need to be a stronger, happier, and more independent person.

Part I

In Part I we will examine the problem of control and how, even without intending to, some people may attempt to control us. We will begin to see how a “spell” seems to come over them and, for the first time, we'll understand just why some people indulge in oppressive behavior. We will explore the nature of the spell, and we will learn why people who attempt to control us often don't realize how destructive they are. We will also meet a Spellbreaker — a person capable of breaking the spell — and we will find out how any one of us can become, or may already be, a Spellbreaker.

I

Sense and Nonsense

Ignorance does not justify oppression. It only makes it possible.

Have you ever been puzzled or disturbed by the behavior of a family member, friend, or coworker and found yourself wondering, “What's going on? Why is he acting like that?” Or, “She doesn't understand what I'm saying no matter how I say it.” Or, “He tells me I'm being ______, but I'm not. It doesn't make sense.”

May stepped into the company conference room. Her mind was on a thousand details. She was distracted because she was handling one of several small crises common to a small new business.

“Surprise!” her employees shouted.

“Happy Birthday!” resounded through the room.

“Oh, my gosh! I completely forgot it was my birthday!” May was surprised and thrilled.

“Oh, May, you did not forget your birthday,” said Dee.

“Yes, I did,” May replied.

“Come on, you remembered. You knew we'd have a party for you,” said Dee, insistently.

“No, honestly,” said May.

“You knew we'd have cake and you were just waiting for it. We know you were,” Dee said snidely.

“Not at all,” said May.

“Oh, come on, out with it. You're just pretending like you're surprised,” said Dee.

“Let's not argue, let's have the party,” someone said.

While everyone's attention turned to the cake, May felt frustrated and uneasy.

Why did things like this happen with Dee? It all seems so crazy, May thought. Why did Dee act like that?

May just didn't know. And it didn't seem like anyone else in the room did either.

No one wants to spend party time watching an argument, she thought. But, she also thought, it wasn't an argument.

She had felt assaulted and forced to defend herself. Everyone else felt uncomfortable. She was getting depressed on her birthday.

The whole incident reminded her of other similar ones. “Let it roll off your back,” people said.

Forgetting one's birthday may seem strange, but the point is that Dee was unable to hear May, she was unable to understand what May was trying to tell her, and that is the behavior of a person who tries to control you.

What is going on? If you have pondered similar incidents in your own life, you have already seen some important pieces of this puzzle. Not only have you brought them into view, but also you've properly identified them as “nonsensical.” These incidents don't make sense to most people.

In a certain way, the person you encountered couldn't hear you, understand you, or know you, no matter how long he or she had known you, and no matter what you told them about yourself. The person who has defined your experience seems to have failed to grasp that you are a person with your own reality.

When people encounter controlling behavior, they often feel “erased,” as if, to the perpetrator, they don't exist. In relationships, particularly, this kind of behavior sets the stage for all kinds of abuse. Trying to maintain this kind of relationship leaves one exhausted and subject to intense mental anguish and emotional pain, not to mention the possibility of physical battering.

Not hearing, understanding, or wanting to understand the “other” is behavior central not only to many of our everyday problems, but also to the violence that affects people's lives in every part of the world, every second of every day. Acts against others — whether cold and subtle, such as a contemptuous glance, or hot and explosive, such as a burst of rage — are, paradoxically, both senseless and understandable. And they are also attempts to control.

I invite you to unravel the mystery with me, to make sense out of the nonsense, to discover just what is going on. I think the reason we haven't yet found out just why people try to control others is because senselessness has become so familiar that it seems to be “just the way it is.”

This book presents a specific view that, like a lens, sorts out our experiences so that they can be seen clearly, so that everything can be taken into account. I will make this lens as clear as possible, having faith that others will polish it with new insights and new applications.

As we look through the lens, we will see that those who are most harmful to us, even dangerous to us, feel a need to exert control over us. But recognizing oppressive behavior does not in itself solve the problem. To be effective we must ask and answer the question, “From whence does this need come?”

We will find that, even though childhood upbringing, cultural mores, economic injustices, and erroneous beliefs can all be major influences in perpetuating oppressive and controlling behaviors, they don't fully explain them. Something else does. But what? The answer is hidden in the shadows of ignorance and it is in many ways astonishing. The need to control is driven by a force so compelling that it is almost as if we are under its spell.

Difficulties revolve around our non recognition of this compelling force, a current so deep, so constant, and so unchanging that it is tantamount to evolution itself. It has had a continually increasing impact upon humanity, begging to be recognized, but it has not yet been attended to — indeed, it has only begun to be noticed. When we remain unaware of it, our people-problems gain momentum.

To understand this compelling force, we will explore its influence in our daily lives. Once we see its effects, we will know what it is and whether we can align with it rather than ignore or oppose it. If we are aligned with the force, life gets better. If we oppose it, life in general becomes more chaotic.

I invite you to join me in this journey of exploration. But be forewarned. We will meet some strange paradoxes along the way. Our journey will forge a path through a maze of illusory actions woven into our world. If you do join me, I am confident that we will not only come to know the compelling force behind oppressive and controlling behaviors but also come to understand how this very same force, if recognized and understood, compels just the opposite — behaviors that support our individual lives on planet Earth.

Finally, after identifying the compelling force and its effects — both negative and potentially positive — we will see how best to align with it in order to avoid the negative consequences of moving against it.

Are you ready to take this step? It means that we will cross a threshold together, taking what we discover through time well into the third millennium.

II

The Problem

A difficult problem is a master teacher. If you miss one tiny part of the solution early on, it can call you to task at any moment.

— “Nan”

Thousands of people have shared with me the intimate details of their attempts to free themselves from the influence of people who tried to control them. Others have shared their attempts to stop exerting controlling tactics against others. In those instances in which the “Controllers” became truly conscious of their behavior, they were shocked at what they discovered about themselves. They were horrified.

The wise words at the beginning of this chapter were spoken by a woman I'll call “Nan,” a happily married career professional, a mother, and a grandmother. But Nan didn't always have happiness. At one time her life was in chaos. During that time she spent many courageous years trying to understand “what was wrong.”

While she was growing up, the people who were responsible for her had acted senselessly against her — people who were old enough to know better — people who thought that they were sensible.

They had disparaged her, ridiculed her, and thus defined her. They had oppressed her and attempted to control her. The people who treated her this way were, in fact, her parents. They called her their “little numskull.” They ignored her complaints with accusations: “Don't you talk back to me,” “You think you're better than the rest of us.” Most of the time, Nan felt sad, inadequate, and confused, but she wasn't sure why.

At nineteen, she met a charming and intelligent man, but upon marrying him, he changed drastically. In fact, instead of charming her as he had when courting her, he put her down, called her vile names, and yelled at her so much that she became traumatized and sick. She felt that if she stayed she would die from pain, but she didn't know what to do, because she was accused of causing it all. She didn't see herself as wise, nor did she know where to look for a solution. This, of course, made her task, to make sense of nonsense, extraordinarily difficult.

In time, she found some answers. She saw the nonsense for what it was. She had been surrounded by people who acted senselessly and who had attempted to control her. Her realization enabled her to leave her abuser and her past behind h...