Chapter 1
AN UNSUCCESSFUL CASTING CALL
Iâm going to begin by telling you about Miss Frost. While I say to everyone that I became a writer because I read a certain novel by Charles Dickens at the formative age of fifteen, the truth is I was younger than that when I first met Miss Frost and imagined having sex with her, and this moment of my sexual awakening also marked the fitful birth of my imagination. We are formed by what we desire. In less than a minute of excited, secretive longing, I desired to become a writer and to have sex with Miss Frostânot necessarily in that order.
I met Miss Frost in a library. I like libraries, though I have difficulty pronouncing the wordâboth the plural and the singular. It seems there are certain words I have considerable trouble pronouncing: nouns, for the most partâpeople, places, and things that have caused me preternatural excitement, irresolvable conflict, or utter panic. Well, that is the opinion of various voice teachers and speech therapists and psychiatrists whoâve treated meâalas, without success. In elementary school, I was held back a grade due to âsevere speech impairmentsââan overstatement. Iâm now in my late sixties, almost seventy; Iâve ceased to be interested in the cause of my mispronunciations. (Not to put too fine a point on it, but fuck the etiology.)
I donât even try to say the etiology word, but I can manage to struggle through a comprehensible mispronunciation of library or librariesâthe botched word emerging as an unknown fruit. (âLiberry,â or âliberries,â I sayâthe way children do.)
Itâs all the more ironic that my first library was undistinguished. This was the public library in the small town of First Sister, Vermontâa compact red-brick building on the same street where my grandparents lived. I lived in their house on River Streetâuntil I was fifteen, when my mom remarried. My mother met my stepfather in a play.
The townâs amateur theatrical society was called the First Sister Players; for as far back as I can remember, I saw all the plays in our townâs little theater. My mom was the prompterâif you forgot your lines, she told you what to say. (It being an amateur theater, there were a lot of forgotten lines.) For years, I thought the prompter was one of the actorsâsomeone mysteriously offstage, and not in costume, but a necessary contributor to the dialogue.
My stepfather was a new actor in the First Sister Players when my mother met him. He had come to town to teach at Favorite River Academyâthe almost-prestigious private school, which was then all boys. For much of my young life (most certainly, by the time I was ten or eleven), I must have known that eventually, when I was âold enough,â I would go to the academy. There was a more modern and better-lit library at the prep school, but the public library in the town of First Sister was my first library, and the librarian there was my first librarian. (Incidentally, Iâve never had any trouble saying the librarian word.)
Needless to say, Miss Frost was a more memorable experience than the library. Inexcusably, it was long after meeting her that I learned her first name. Everyone called her Miss Frost, and she seemed to me to be my momâs ageâor a little youngerâwhen I belatedly got my first library card and met her. My aunt, a most imperious person, had told me that Miss Frost âused to be very good-looking,â but it was impossible for me to imagine that Miss Frost could ever have been better-looking than she was when I met herânotwithstanding that, even as a kid, all I did was imagine things. My aunt claimed that the available men in the town used to fall all over themselves when they met Miss Frost. When one of them got up the nerve to introduce himselfâto actually tell Miss Frost his nameâthe then-beautiful librarian would look at him coldly and icily say, âMy name is Miss Frost. Never been married, never want to be.â
With that attitude, Miss Frost was still unmarried when I met her; inconceivably, to me, the available men in the town of First Sister had long stopped introducing themselves to her.
THE CRUCIAL DICKENS NOVELâTHE one that made me want to be a writer, or so Iâm always sayingâwas Great Expectations. Iâm sure I was fifteen, both when I first read it and when I first reread it. I know this was before I began to attend the academy, because I got the book from the First Sister town libraryâtwice. I wonât forget the day I showed up at the library to take that book out a second time; Iâd never wanted to reread an entire novel before.
Miss Frost gave me a penetrating look. At the time, I doubt I was as tall as her shoulders. âMiss Frost was once what they call âstatuesque,â â my aunt had told me, as if even Miss Frostâs height and shape existed only in the past. (She was forever statuesque to me.)
Miss Frost was a woman with an erect posture and broad shoulders, though it was chiefly her small but pretty breasts that got my attention. In seeming contrast to her mannish size and obvious physical strength, Miss Frostâs breasts had a newly developed appearanceâthe improbable but budding look of a young girlâs. I couldnât understand how it was possible for an older woman to have achieved this look, but surely her breasts had seized the imagination of every teenage boy whoâd encountered her, or so I believed when I met herâwhen was it?âin 1955. Furthermore, you must understand that Miss Frost never dressed suggestively, at least not in the imposed silence of the forlorn First Sister Public Library; day or night, no matter the hour, there was scarcely anyone there.
I had overheard my imperious aunt say (to my mother): âMiss Frost is past an age where training bras suffice.â At thirteen, Iâd taken this to mean thatâin my judgmental auntâs opinionâMiss Frostâs bras were all wrong for her breasts, or vice versa. I thought not! And the entire time I was internally agonizing over my and my auntâs different fixations with Miss Frostâs breasts, the daunting librarian went on giving me the aforementioned penetrating look.
Iâd met her at thirteen; at this intimidating moment, I was fifteen, but given the invasiveness of Miss Frostâs long, lingering stare, it felt like a two-year penetrating look to me. Finally she said, in regard to my wanting to read Great Expectations again, âYouâve already read this one, William.â
âYes, I loved it,â I told herâthis in lieu of blurting out, as I almost did, that I loved her. She was austerely formalâthe first person to unfailingly address me as William. I was always called Bill, or Billy, by my family and friends.
I wanted to see Miss Frost wearing only her bra, which (in my interfering auntâs view) offered insufficient restraint. Yet, in lieu of blurting out such an indiscretion as that, I said: âI want to reread Great Expectations.â (Not a word about my premonition that Miss Frost had made an impression on me that would be no less devastating than the one that Estella makes on poor Pip.)
âSo soon?â Miss Frost asked. âYou read Great Expectations only a month ago!â
âI canât wait to reread it,â I said.
âThere are a lot of books by Charles Dickens,â Miss Frost told me. âYou should try a different one, William.â
âOh, I will,â I assured her, âbut first I want to reread this one.â
Miss Frostâs second reference to me as William had given me an instant erectionâthough, at fifteen, I had a small penis and a laughably disappointing hard-on. (Suffice it to say, Miss Frost was in no danger of noticing that I had an erection.)
My all-knowing aunt had told my mother I was underdeveloped for my age. Naturally, my aunt had meant âunderdevelopedâ in other (or in all) ways; to my knowledge, sheâd not seen my penis since Iâd been an infantâif then. Iâm sure Iâll have more to say about the penis word. For now, itâs enough that you know I have extreme difficulty pronouncing âpenis,â which in my tortured utterance emergesâwhen I can manage to give voice to it at allâas âpenith.â This rhymes with âzenith,â if youâre wondering. (I go to great lengths to avoid the plural.)
In any case, Miss Frost knew nothing of my sexual anguish while I was attempting to check out Great Expectations a second time. In fact, Miss Frost gave me the impression that, with so many books in the library, it was an immoral waste of time to reread any of them.
âWhatâs so special about Great Expectations?â she asked me.
She was the first person I told that I wanted to be a writer âbecause ofâ Great Expectations, but it was really because of her.
âYou want to be a writer!â Miss Frost exclaimed; she didnât sound happy about it. (Years later, I would wonder if Miss Frost might have expressed indignation at the sodomizer word had I suggested that as a profession.)
âYes, a writerâI think so,â I said to her.
âYou canât possibly know that youâre going to be a writer!â Miss Frost said. âItâs not a career choice.â
She was certainly right about that, but I didnât know it at the time. And I wasnât pleading with her only so she would let me reread Great Expectations; my pleas were especially ardent, in part, because the more exasperated Miss Frost became with me, the more I appreciated the sudden intake of her breathânot to mention the resultant rise and fall of her surprisingly girlish breasts.
At fifteen, I was as smitten and undone by her as Iâd been two years earlier. No, I must revise that: I was altogether more captivated by her at fifteen than I was at thirteen, when Iâd been merely fantasizing about having sex with her and becoming a writerâwhereas, at fifteen, the imagined sex was more developed (there were more concrete details) and I had already written a few sentences I admired.
Both the sex with Miss Frost and actually being a writer were unlikely, of courseâbut were they remotely possible? Curiously, I had enough hubris to believe so. As for where such an exaggerated pride or unearned self-confidence came fromâwell, I could only guess that genes had something to do with it.
I donât mean my motherâs; I saw no hubris in her backstage role of the prompter. After all, I spent most of my evenings with my mom in that safe haven for those variously talented (and untalented) members of our townâs amateur theatrical society. That little playhouse was not a uniformly prideful or brimming-with-confidence kind of placeâhence the prompter.
If my hubris was genetic, it surely came from my biological father. I was told Iâd never met him; I knew him only by his reputation, which didnât sound great.
âThe code-boy,â as my grandfather referred to himâor, less often, âthe sergeant.â My mom had left college because of the sergeant, my grandmother said. (She preferred âsergeant,â which she always said disparagingly, to âcode-boy.â) Whether William Francis Dean was the contributing cause of my mom leaving college, I didnât really know; sheâd gone to secretarial school instead, but not before heâd gotten her pregnant with me. Consequently, my mother would leave secretarial school, too.
My mom told me that sheâd married my dad in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in April 1943âa little late for a shotgun wedding, because Iâd been born in First Sister, Vermont, back in March of â42. I was already a year old when she married him, and the âweddingâ (it was a town-clerk or justice-of-the-peace deal) had been chiefly my grandmotherâs ideaâor so my aunt Muriel said. It was implied to me that William Francis Dean hadnât entered into the marriage all that willingly.
âWe were divorced before you were two,â my mom had told me. Iâd seen the marriage certificate, which was why I remembered the seemingly exotic and far-from-Vermont location of Atlantic City, New Jersey; my father had been in basic training there. No one had shown me the divorce records.
âThe sergeant wasnât interested in marriage or children,â my grandmother had told me, with no small amount of superiority; even as a child, I could see that my auntâs loftiness had come from my grandmother.
But because of what happened in Atlantic City, New Jerseyâno matter at whose insistenceâthat certificate of marriage legitimized me, albeit belatedly. I was named William Francis Dean, Jr.; I had his name, if not his presence. And I must have had some measure of his code-boy genesâthe sergeantâs âderring-do,â in my momâs estimation.
âWhat was he like?â Iâd asked my mother, maybe a hundred times. She used to be so nice about it.
âOh, he was very handsomeâlike youâre going to be,â she would always answer, with a smile. âAnd he had oodles of derring-do.â My mom was very affectionate to me, before I began to grow up.
I donât know if all preteen boys, and boys in their early teens, are as inattentive to linear time as I was, but it never occurred to me to examine the sequence of events. My father must have knocked up my mother in late May or early June of 1941âwhen he was finishing his freshman year at Harvard. Yet there was never any mention of himânot even in a sarcastic comment from Aunt Murielâas the Harvard-boy. He was always called the code-boy (or the sergeant), though my mom was clearly proud of his Harvard connection.
âImagine starting Harvard when youâre just fifteen!â Iâd heard her say more than once.
But if my derring-do dad had been fifteen at the start of his freshman year at Harvard (in September 1940), he had to be younger than my mother, whose birthday was in April. She was already twenty in April of â40; she was just a month short of twenty-two when I was born, in March of â42.
Did they not get married when she learned she was pregnant because my dad was not yet eighteen? Heâd turned eighteen in October 1942. As my mom told me, âObligingly, the draft age was lowered to that level.â (I would only later think that the obligingly word was not a common one in my motherâs vocabulary; maybe that had been the Harvard-boy talking.)
âYour father believed he might better control his military destiny by volunteering for advanced induction, which he did in January 1943,â my mom told me. (The âmilitary destinyâ didnât sound like her vocabulary, either; the Harvard-boy was written all over it.)
My dad traveled by bus to Fort Devens, Massachusettsâthe beginning of his military serviceâin March 1943. At the time, the air force w...