Boots

Jessica Butcher, Sacha Voit

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2019
• Print ISBN:
  9781350125650
• eBook ISBN:
  9781350125674
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: British Drama

I always wanted to be a pharmacist because I thought it would give me the chance to do patient care, but in reality I spend more time counting out pills than I do talking to people. I never thought it would be this... Alone.

When Willow is not providing 'excellent customer service' she talks to Liz, a customer who has a habit of leaving her husband in the utility room. They are from different backgrounds, different generations and seemingly entirely different worlds. But they find something in common: their love of trees… and their loneliness. As the roots of their past entwine, they realise that the time for silence is over.

A funny, heartbreaking adventure through forests, friendship and Femfresh that reveals the loneliness of age and the power of Mother Nature. Boots is a new play about inter-generational friendship and finding your voice among the most unusual of company. Bring your advantage card.

This edition was published to coincide with the 2019 run at The Bunker Theatre, London.

Scene One

Seeds

Willow, a woman of colour, is serving a customer in Boots the chemist. She acts out the female customer.

WillowCan I help you?

A Woman, she’s got good vibes, 30ish, nice coat, good lapels, looks at me.

Woman‘Yes, sorry I um just wondering if . . .’

‘Well, I’ve got a really itchy um –’.

Beat.

‘Yes, well, it’s really bad, I can’t sleep.’

WillowOkay, what’s itchy?

Woman‘My um’

She points vaguely to the bottom half of her body.

‘My Front Area’

WillowYour . . . front area?

Woman (nods vigorously, whispers)‘You know.’

Willow frowns, still unclear.

Woman (whispers, emphatically)‘My China!’

WillowOh, sorry, we don’t do crockery.

Woman (whispers)‘My vagina.’

Willow (to audience, really loudly)HER VAGINA.

(Back to woman, compassionately.) You’ve got thrush madam.

I keep a handle on myself, give her Canesten Duo, and she pays and leaves.

Willow does an impression of the Woman walking off, trying not to itch. She comes back to audience and speaks.

Lady bits? Lady bum? Front bottom?

She offers the words out to the audience almost as if they can pick which one is theirs.

Woo-woo? Noonee? Twinkle? Peach. Flower. Minko. Mimi. Yoni. Tilly. Mary. Aunty Mary. Froo-froo. Vajayjay. Fairy. Sugar Puff. Minnie. Mini ha ha. Froobuloo. Special Place.

Beat.

Really. / Beat. / What is wrong with VAGINA?

I reckon JK Rowling noticed it too. That’s where she got everyone in her books not being able to say Voldemort from.

The Powerful Wizard Vagina!!

Whispered loudly.

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Beat.

And don’t even get me started on ‘vulva’!

Pause.

I’ve just moved here but ‘china’?! That’s got to be among my top ten. As a pharmacist you get to hear them all. And I mean all.

I can keep a straight face, but I still find it a beautiful moment.

She smiles kindly.

Scene Two

Germination

It’s funny, this all started on a day I let a bit of my self-control go, you know?

I’m basically working two jobs to make ends meet right now so I got to work on little sleep and a lot of coffee.

Sleep deprivation can really mess with your head, but . . . Need my space right now and, yeah, it doesn’t come cheap. But it’s a new year, a new place and a new me! I’ve even started doing pelvic floor exercises while I wait for Netflix to load.

She sinks back into the tiredness that engulfed her that day.

Anyway, don’t think my ‘Dickhead Alert’ was fully switched on, when . . .

She jumps back in time to tell us the story, and acts out Man herself.

Man‘Alright love, yeah, my girlfriend’s got something.’

WillowAh, oh, hello. Yes, okay. Is she able to come in herself?

Man‘Nah, nah.’

WillowOkay, what are the symptoms? Perhaps I can help with something off the /

Man‘Yeah, basically. Seriously burning pee, and a lot, you know. Going for a slash, A LOT.’

WillowRight, and your girlfriend, has she had this before?

Man‘Yeah loads, so boring innit, she’s always on about it.’

Beat.

‘So . . . so what do I need for that?’

WillowWell it sounds like cystitis, if it’s only mild some painkillers will help and lots of fluids to flush it out.

She picks up a packet of painkillers and puts them quietly on the counter.

Man‘Cool thanks love.’

WillowIf symptoms persist, I think your girlfriend may need to see a GP and get some antibiotics. A recurrent case could signal more significant problems.

Man‘Nahh, only significant problem is the lack of action, you know what I’m saying!’

Willow (Out to the audience.)That wasn’t when I lost my control.

Man‘Yeah, while I’m here, I’ve got a bit of a pain in my hand.’

WillowIs it muscular or /

Man‘Oh it’s all muscle, love!’

Willow (Out to the audience.) No, still had that control.

Man‘It’s here by my thumb, at the side, when I do this’ (she mimes the Tinder swipe action). ‘It’s a bit swollen, very tender.

Pause.

‘It can get very, very stiff.’

His thumb pops upwards like an erection.

Willow (Out to the audience.)Still got it!

Willow (back to Man)If it’s RSI you may need a support for that or, perhaps, give it a rest?

Man‘Has anyone ever told you, you’ve got a very caring instinct? Very nurturing. I like that.’

Beat. He leans in towards Willow.

‘I see that in you. I do. I’m not like other guys you know. I like your kind, you know, you’re like, exotic. I like that, I really do. Seriously, what are you doing after work?’

Willow looks out at audience, about to spit venom, swallows it and turns back to the Man with all her control on full blast.

WillowI’m here to help you with any issues that do not require a GP.

If there’s anything you would like...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• The Bunker
• Boots
• Contents
• Scene One
• Scene Two
• Scene Three
• Scene Four
• Scene Five
• Scene Six
• Scene Seven
• Scene Nine
• Scene Ten
• Scene Eleven
• Scene Twelve
• Scene Eleven (2)
• Acknowledgements
• eCopyright