The Grumpiest Boy in the World

Finegan Kruckemeyer

• Editorial: Currency Press
• Año: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781921428777
• Categoría: Literature
• Categoría: Drama

'Zachary's height is exactly the height of an average boy for his average age. Zachary's hair lies exactly the way of an average boy's on an average day. And when he dreams at night, Zachary dreams the most average dreams. Because Zachary Briddling... is awfully middling. And it makes him so grumpy!'%##CHAR13##%%##CHAR13##%Zachary wants to be different. So he thinks of all the other places out there—filled with giants, and miniatures, and hairy things, and flying things—places where he should not be middling at all. And so he sets out... to stand out.%##CHAR13##%%##CHAR13##%The Grumpiest Boy in the World is a playful escapade of the imagination celebrating ordinariness and extraordinariness—and the grumpiness that can come from thinking we have too much of one, or not enough of the other.

Prologue

ZACHARY is drawing feverishly, describing as he goes.

ZACHARY: The day that the boy became king of everything in the world ever, school was cancelled—and kept being cancelled, for every day after that one, because it was the first thing the boy king changed!

The day he became king of the world, the boy walked down the main street and all the cars honked their horns! And … And he marched into the town zoo and went straight up to the biggest lion, and it bowed down reverently to him. And he rode it everywhere after that! Raaaa!

On the boy king’s crowning day he scared away a plague of mice that were eating all the crops, and side-waysed all the trees, and said the crown they gave him wasn’t spectacular enough. So he had scientists in Nairobi and Nicaragua and Norway set up giant lasers and point them at the same spot in the sky! And when the beams of light hit, they made … they made one giant beam, yeah, which reflected back down on wherever the king’s head was—and so forevermore, his crown was a giant beam of light that stretched up into space! Excellent!

Everyone had a vote a bit later on, and the boy king was voted the Best Boy King Ever, and they all decided to change the name of the month when he was born—so that’s why … January is now called Zachuary! And why … and why apples are now called Zaccles! And … And why anytime anyone does anything amazing, all their friends say, ‘That was Zactastic!’

Scene One

MUM enters.

MUM: You alright, Zachary?

ZACHARY: I’m drawing, Mum! Drawing the most amazing story about/

MUM: /Oh, nice. Is that a tepee?

ZACHARY: What?! No, it’s quite obviously three lasers coming together to make one giant laser that bounces off a/

MUM: /Well, that blue car is great.

ZACHARY: That’s a lion, Mum! That is absolutely a lion. Look at the claws! Cars don’t have claws—are you serious?

MUM: Oh, a lion, right. Yeah, I see it now—with a little girl balancing on top.

Beat.

ZACHARY: That is me, Mother.

That is your own son, Zachary Briddling the boy king, riding on top of his super-duper lio/

MUM: /But she’s got all that long hair/

ZACHARY: /It’s reflective-super-laser-crown light, Mum! She is wearing … he is wearing … I am wearing a special crown made of lasers! Space lasers!

MUM: Oh. Right. Well … good. We’ll put it on the fridge.

She takes the drawing and exits with it.

ZACHARY: Mums don’t understand art. Dads neither. And they only ever put it on the fridge. Like, she never says:

MUM: This is phenomenal! The sense of … of anticipation in the lion’s eyes! Eddie, look at this masterpiece!

DAD enters.

DAD: [stunned] Your use of asymmetry in the sideways trees!

ZACHARY: Exactly.

DAD: The … the monochromatic mice plague harking back to Mayakovsky and the Russian agitprop aesthetic!

ZACHARY: You noticed.

MUM: This is too much!

DAD: It’s inspired! Audrey, get Mr Stephens on the phone, from the big town gallery, the one with all those columns out the front! And only the most super-expensive art in it! And people with monocles walking around and stroking their chins and going ‘Mmm’, with their head tilted sideways! This has got to be part of an exhibition. [On the phone] Mm-hm. Yes. Oh, oui oui, monsieur. Zachary—they’ll take fifteen by next week!

ZACHARY: I’ll need some more crayons …

MUM: Crayons! I’m on it! Now if we just …

They rush off. Beat.

ZACHARY: That’s something that doesn’t happen.

And to be honest, it’s not entirely Mum and Dad’s fault. The truth is … I’m not the most amazing artist. And—I...