YOU CAN’T MASTER small talk if you don’t put yourself out there. It’s necessary to expose yourself to a variety of situations that call upon you to turn strangers into acquaintances, to refresh past acquaintances, and to build upon established relationships. You have to expend the necessary energy to be aware of your surroundings and the people in your personal landscape. Comfortable chitchatting and mingling come with experience and lots of practice. You should find yourself at greater social ease, and enjoying yourself more spontaneously and less self-consciously, as your small talk skills improve and positive experiences accrue.
Successful endeavors are usually the result of a learning process. If you aren’t consciously learning, you’re probably repeating mistakes. Let’s start small.
Small Talk Is Bigger Than You Think
Small talk has often been trivialized and downplayed as surface-speak, a time waster—usually by people who aren’t any good at it.
Forget any rocky experiences up until this moment; throw out those bitter labels you’ve attached to your troubled tongue. Small talk confidence is not as far out of your reach as you might think. You just need to adjust your attitude about how to approach small talk. Small is the operative word here. Little words strung together to open up communication lines between humans. Really, it’s no big deal. With a little finesse, small talk can be the tool that expands your circle of friends, increases the satisfaction you feel about your social life, and puts you at ease in various business situations. It can even lead to big deals—such as marriage and new clients.
In our rush from one activity to another, we have only a few minutes to catch up, connect with another person, and relay information.
If small talk is done poorly, we could end up feeling alienated from our peers, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and coworkers. There’s no emotional spark or confidence in the interaction (if done in a real rush, there will be barely a memory of the interaction), and no real meeting of minds.
If small talk is done well, with enthusiasm and true interest, these brief encounters can be the foundation for positive, helpful, and lasting relationships.
Daily modern life does, and can still further, benefit from small talk that creates a helpful network of connections. For instance, we tell friends that we long for a date and they try to set us up on blind dates, drag us off to bars and clubs, or recommend Internet sites for personals and dating. Relay your latest work project topic/crisis and friends or associates listen with interest and provide suggestions that they think may be helpful. They may offer stories about what they’ve done in similar situations. Or a mother mentions to her child’s teacher that her reliable babysitter has moved away and the teacher recommends a neighbor’s daughter. We’re new in town and we ask a neighbor to recommend a good restaurant, a good dry cleaner, and so on.
Your Small Talk Survival Accessories
First, start by acknowledging that in any interaction there are factors that you cannot control:
Another person’s personality
What he has on his mind (or hidden agendas)
The number of people in the room competing for his attention
The presence of polite and not-so-friendly cliques
There are probably other factors too, but these are some of the most common. The key is to take a few SOS accessories along when you set out to make social and business connections. In this case, SOS stands for:
Self-confidence
Observation prowess
Sense of play
The potential for unplanned consequences is greatly reduced if you know that there is someone caring and loving supporting all your efforts—YOU!
Sense of Self-Confidence
It goes against all our basic instincts to be only minimally prepared when we enter situations in which we don’t know the terrain. And yet, it’s impossible to avoid being in social and business events in which we don’t know many (or any) people and have minimal information about who is hosting the event, how people might know each other, how we might best fit in, etc. The positive way to look at such an unknowable situation is as an adventure. Rather than being intimidated by such circumstances, try seeing the unlimited possibilities in such undefined circumstances.
The first rule of self-confidence is to be yourself, your real self. If you don’t, it’s like arriving only half dressed—frightening indeed. Just as you should pay careful attenti...