Patricia Gets Ready (for a date with the man that used to hit her) (NHB Modern Plays)

Martha Watson Allpress

• Editore: Nick Hern Books
• Anno: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781788505871
• Argomento: Letteratura
• Categoria: Teatro britannico

Patricia has spent a year recovering from an abusive relationship. But when she bumps into her ex on the street, she accidentally agrees to go to dinner with him that night.

Now she's got some big decisions to make. What to wear? What to say? And... whether or not to go?

Martha Watson Allpress's Patricia Gets Ready (for a date with the man that used to hit her) is a play for one actor that was first seen at VAULT Festival 2020, directed by Kaleya Baxe and performed by Angelina Chudi, then at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2021, winning numerous awards and receiving rave reviews. It was revived on a UK tour in 2022, performed by Yasmin Dawes, including a run at Brixton House, London.

'The standout production of this EdFringe' - The Stage

'Brilliant... A script that refuses to simplify, to be neat and tidy, to apologise, to paint Patricia as just a victim. Rather, she is bold, funny (very funny) and sexually confident' - Guardian

1 p.m.

Outside.

PATRICIA stands alone. Shocked.

Shit.

Hi.

Oh my God.

Hi, no I’ve said that.

Hi.

Pause.

I… I um… I didn’t know you were back. I just –

no you go –

I just wasn’t expecting to see you.

When did you get back? You didn’t tell me?

That’s great. I just wasn’t expecting to see you.

Permanently? Sorry, didn’t mean to cut you off but, permanently?

Oh.

No, that’s great.

Yeah.

Yeah, good for you, that’s great.

I’m good. I’m really good. Really good.

Same old, same old really.

Yep, still cycling.

Good for the head. Clear head, you know?

No, actually no, I’ve… um. I’m still with Mum.

Beat.

Still need looking after.

Pause.

She looks at her shaking hands.

I had… I had so much I wanted to say to you. It’s literally all gone. I just… I just didn’t know. I wish I’d known.

Pause.

I’m not making a scene?

I’m not angry. Well I am. I am very angry. But I’m not getting angry. Okay?

I’m not making a fucking scene.

Christ! Can you – I swear to God –

Pause.

Sorry.

Beat.

Look, can I –

– no, I need to interrupt –

Well I think I can so…

Enough!

I don’t…

I’m going to go now.

Yeah.

I need to um… bye.

PATRICIA goes to exit…

What?

I mean no, I don’t, but…

I just don’t think that’s a good idea.

I don’t…

Okay.

Okay, half eight. Okay.

I’ll see you there.

Goodbye.

Pause.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

PATRICIA has a panic attack.

4 p.m.

Inside.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Jesus it wasn’t like I was unprepared. Not like I haven’t imagined that conversation over and over and over. FUCK ME. I have had a speech planned for a goddamn year. And it’s beautiful. It is so good; the aggression, the burns, just the general tone. It’s so suave and sophisticated, like proper… ‘I am a woman and I define me…’ I have been crafting that shit in daydreams and showers and cycling… and I said ‘hi.’ THREE TIMES. I really feel like one would have been enough, if not too many. But, wow, well done me, three times. That’s just… that’s so… yeah.

Patricia ‘hi hi hi’ Eleanor Williams.

That’s just great. Great. No, no, no, that’s exactly how I wanted it to go. Really the assertive image I wanted to leave him with. Yeah, I’m really fucking sure he sees how much of a grown-ass woman I am now. Doesn’t think of me as little now. Definitely not weak any more! Christ!

And dinner? Oh yes mate I’d love to go to dinner with you, can think of nothing I’d rather do. Three courses, let’s get a tasting menu, looking forward to it. I MEAN COME ON.

Why do – why do – why do you betray yourself like that? I mean, I knew, my brain knew, what I wanted to say but it just… couldn’t.

Coward.

I feel so angry. I feel SO angry.

Fucking coward.

This is so deeply embarrassing. I can’t believe I couldn’t… After all this time, it’s been enough time, I can’t believe I just couldn’t…

I could just not show up. Stand him up. Of course that is the clever, high-ground, middle-finger option, but… well we all know I’m going to go. If I can’t even say ‘fuck you’ to the man, then I’m not going to leave him sat alone at a restaurant am I.

No. I said hello to him three times, I’m not going to stand him up.

I could say it to him at the restaurant. I could say it all to him at the restaurant.

Would that be making a scene?

I feel like if I spoke really low and calmly it’d be like, even more powerful, even more… umph. You know? Yeah. Yeah. That’d be really good, and get it all out before he even orders so I can just storm out and leave him lonely and embarrassed and hungry.

Unless he’s already ordered before I arrive? At least drinks. There’ll be drinks on the table. God! That is such a him move. He’s such a… such a…

They’ll be two fucking Negronis on the table, I’d put money on it.

Coward. Jesus.

Coward. Noun. A person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Shit.

PATRICIA gets in the shower and wraps a towel round her head.

She listens to ‘Self’ by Noname.

PATRICIA applies face creams/body creams, etc… until 5 p.m.

He’s always been a charming little shit. I really thought I’d be angrier… seeing him… out in the wild, as it were. I thought I’d feel this real fury, this real… red. But I didn’t, at all. There was a moment in time when he didn’t exist and I was happy… well I was fine… and BAM. All of a sudden I’m back to whatever I was back when… Well back then.

You scan yourself and just feel embarrassed… that I’m not doing better? That I’ve not conquered Everest or started my own Etsy shop selling keyrings of cult comedies or some shit. Like, any ex, you run into any ex and you want to be able to tell them that you’re doing better, eating healthier, feeling happier, shagging a celebrity, shagging a woman – I’m not a good liar.

I got good at it, for a bit, when I was with him…

guess it’s really easy to lie when you’ve got no one to talk to. But then when you tell the truth to one person it just floods. Like you’ve been biting your tongue for so long and your mouth’s filled with blood and then you open it to speak and… Floods. And you drown and erode in the pour-down that you’re wishing on the person who made you lie in the first place.

Flood. Noun. A (usually disastrous) overflow of water from a lake or other body of water due to excessive rainfall or other input of water.

I mean, we’re just water, right? So yeah, floods.

Except he’s not water. He wasn’t ever water. ...