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Chapter 1
Whiners
Spot a Whiner
Whiners remind you of holding childrenâs hands as you walk them across a street. They want you to help guide them through lifeâs challenges. Whiners complain to connect with others. They seek reassurance, guidance, and direction. Whiners complain to reach out and get empathy or validation from others in their community. They need constancy, support, and security.
Are You Negotiating with a Whiner?
Whiners complain to form relationships and receive empathy. They vent, withdraw, and want others to solve their problems. Whiners:
- complain about how things arenât fair.
- play the victim and are powerless.
- always seem to have something wrong in their lives.
- are always upset about something or someone.
- never bring solutions, only problems.
Reactions.
Whiners bring doom and gloom to the office. They are overly sensitive, withdrawn, moody, sulky, grumpy, and crabby. They are passive lamenters who pout, sigh, and moan. They repeat discussions regarding perceived offenses or slights. Whiners withdraw, hide, become quiet, and exhibit helplessness. If frustrated, they become touchy, explosive, and prone to outbursts and tantrums.
Reality.
Whiners hope to be soothed, comforted, or reassured. They feel if they let others know their complaints, the issues will be addressed or solved for them. When they feel overwhelmed, ignored, or vulnerable, they explode.
Stop a Whiner
Actions that Donât Work with Whiners:
- Giving reasons their reaction is irrational or unproductive. Whiners are not concerned with rational outcomes or the inconsistency of their actions. They want empathy, not logic.
- Forcing them into problem solving before they vent. Whiners have to release their emotions and feel heard before they are open to solutions or a proactive approach. Trying to make Whiners feel better by complimenting them wonât help, nor will telling them to âgrow up.â
- Venting along with them or solving their problem. Whining with them just encourages more complaining. When you provide an opinion or offer solutions, they usually reject your advice or make excuses. On the rare occasion they accept and act on your suggestion, they will blame you if the result is bad. And, if the advice works, you now become their crutch for making their future decisions.
The best way to negotiate with Whiners is to
listen, empathize, and ask for solutions.
- Listen. Whiners are trying to connect and build relationships through their complaining. Seems counterintuitive, doesnât it? Spending a few minutes actively listening and even mirroring back what you hear from Whiners goes a long way with these relational Complainers. Note a âfewâ is less than 5 minutes . . . youâre not their counselor.
- Empathize. Simple sentences such as, âThat has got to be tough,â âWow, Iâm glad I donât have that problem,â or âI donât know how you do it,â are sufficient. Also, it may be all the empathy Whiners need. You may hear a Whiner respond, âIt really isnât that bad,â âThanks for listening,â or âSorry. I just needed to vent.â
- Ask for solutions. Ask Whiners for solutions and repeat as needed. Remember, chronic Whiners know that whining gets results. They may need several exposures to âWow. What are you going to do about that?â before taking the hint that you arenât the best place to deposit their problems.
How to Stop a Whiner Boss
When the Whiner is your boss, you need to listen and make sure you arenât causing the problem and that the solution isnât yours to fix. Like all Whiners, bosses want to feel heard and receive empathy for their problems. Sometimes they would like someone else to fix the problem, and sometimes they just want to vent. Listening can make all the difference as long as you donât sign up as your Complainerâs professional coach, counselor, or parent. Despite the role as your leader, you still need to listen, empathize, and ask for solutions.
Human Beings, not Beans
Zoe works as a case manager for a nonprofit social services agency. She sat down next to Cindy, her boss, and the executive director at their annual volunteer appreciation lunch. Zoe soon regretted not finding another seat. Cindy said hello and asked how Zoe was doing. Two seconds after Zoe replied, âFine,â Cindy started whining:
âThat must be nice. Iâm not fine. You work with people and get to solve problems. Youâre not stuck having to account to a board of directors for every penny. You donât have to explain why costs are up and our donations are down again this year. Itâs unbelievable. You know, weâre here to serve people who need the help. If I wanted to be a bean counter, I wouldnât have chosen a career in social services.â
He reminds me of a whiney 2-year-old. (Heâs 52.)
Zoe needs to
listen for a few minutes. Cindy is venting. Reporting to the board is not a problem under Zoeâs control. Then, Zoe should
empathize with Cindyâs situation. Finally, Zoe should
ask Cindy what
solutions she is going to tryâand then
repeat as needed.
Zoeâs response might sound like this: âWow. All that reporting canât be any fun, and it takes time away from your important work. What are you going to do?â
Letâs say Cindyâs response is, âWell, what can I do? I canât just make donors give us money or stop inflation. I canât avoid the boardâs questions. I canât ignore the finances. What can I do?!â
Zoe can repeat: âIâm sorry. Sounds like you want a change. What do you think youâre going to do?â
How to Stop a Whiner Peer
When the Whiners are your peers, you often care about them and may see others doubting their skills because of their behavior. Remember, itâs not your role to tell them itâs time to get past a problem or attempt to lead them. Giving solutions on how to fix the drama wonât work until Whiners decide to change. On some level, Whiners attract or encourage continuing conflict. Remember to listen, empathize, and ask for solutions.
Soap Opera Life
Julie is a sales professional at a large hotel. Julieâs life story could fill a book, but people would probably think it was fiction. After two years of Julie being at the hotel, her coworkers Janet and Tahnesha have become experts in the details...
