Destructive Myths in Family Therapy

How to Overcome Barriers to Communication by Seeing and Saying -- A Humanistic Perspective

Daniela Kramer-Moore, Michael Moore

• Publisher: Wiley-Blackwell
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9780470667002, 9780470667019
• eBook ISBN: 9781119943075
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy
• Index: Psychology

Exposes destructive patterns of communication within family cultures and provides strategies for promoting more open dialogue among family members.

• Equips family therapists to help clients see the barriers they place in the way of healthy communication, and adopt more constructive alternatives
• Provides activities designed to spark open dialogue between therapist and clients, strengthening the therapeutic relationship and facilitating family interaction
• Includes communication strategies for reversing disengagement, defusing power struggles, overcoming sibling rivalry, disentangling marital problems and more
• Offers a new understanding of family dynamics, an area in which many family therapists want to improve their skills but have struggled to find a text to guide them in doing so

Part 1

Seeing
The Choices we Make

Eyes have they, but they see not. (Psalms 115:5)

Fay Weldon's short story (1981), Man With No Eyes, is a goldmine of pathological family processes (PFPs): A downtrodden, anxiety-ridden mother, afraid of her domineering husband, is determined to preserve her marriage for the sake of their two young daughters. The story gains special poignancy through repeated references to a scary, mysterious man with no eyes, symbolizing both her father (who had deserted his wife and daughter), her husband, who is totally blind to his family's needs, and herself, who ignores the harm that will come to her daughters if she stays in her pathogenic marriage.

Unseeing spouses and parents are not a rarity in real life; they are certainly familiar to those engaged in family therapy. Many people do not see. The consequences of such metaphorical blindness can be far reaching: when there is no insight into our own motives (and into those of others), we are on auto-pilot, we repeat our own past behaviors, dysfunctional as they may have been, unquestioningly copy the acts and opinion of others, bring unhealthy patterns of behavior from our family of origin to our nuclear family, all this without examining what builds relationships and what destroys them. Unless we stop and reflect, we cannot learn from past mistakes, and so we find ourselves in the same painful situations again and again.

It is our contention that such blindness (serving as the subject of Chapter 1) is an acquired response. For some individuals it serves as a defense against painful involvement, so common in human relationships. For them not seeing is first a choice, then a habit. Many others use blindness by default, having been surrounded by unseeing adults in their formative years. This type of learning is of special importance in the life of families. To a large extent, man's being a link in the human chain, “one segment of history,” as Erikson (1963, pp. 268–269) put it, is based on our ability to carry out observational learning or modeling. This highly effective and ubiquitous social mechanism was defined by Hogg and Vaughan (2011, p. 651) as “The tendency for a person to reproduce the actions, attitudes and emotional responses exhibited by a real-life or symbolic model.” Having observed our parent figures during the early stages of our life, each of us mirrors, to some extent, an internalized version of them. In our turn, we use the same mechanism to shape the generation that follows us: what children see and copy from their parents’ conduct, shapes their behavior toward the world in general, and toward their spouse and offspring, in particular. Such shaping is essential for the continuation of culture in all its aspects. It is also the vehicle for the transgenerational transmission of PFPs.

Here is how Erich Fromm described this facet of the principle underlying transgenerationality: “The child is usually defeated by the superior strength of the adult, but the defeat does not remain without consequences; it would seem to activate a tendency to overcome the defeat by doing actively what one was forced to endure passively: to rule when one had to obey; to beat when one was beaten; in short, to do what one was forced to suffer, or to do what one was forbidden to do” (Fromm, 1977, p. 317). Alice Miller, a Swiss psychologist and psychoanalyst, also commented on the transmission of PFPs from one generation to the next: “If these people [who were traumatized, as children] become parents, they will then often direct acts of revenge for their mistreatment in childhood against their own children, whom they use as scapegoats” (Miller, 1990, p. 282). Virginia Satir, a key figure in family therapy (1988, p. 212), used the term “family blueprint” in this context, to emphasize the crucial influence of personal history in parenting: “I have heard parents lament,” she wrote, “‘I did not want to be like my mother and father, but I am turning out exactly like them.’” Of course, we must point out that not only painful, dysfunctional behaviors are copied from the adults we meet in childhood. In functional families we learn from them to be kind, thoughtful, and empathic; we can imitate a father's sensitivity, a mother's humor, and a grandparent's endless patience, as well.

Knowing that our children grow up “in our own image”, that our behavior towards and in front of them is noted, stored, and eventually retrieved is only one aspect of seeing. The blindness vs. seeing issue concerns individuals’ responsibility for being aware of the needs of other members of their social sphere, as well: first and foremost other family members (though in this book we focus on the latter, circles widen from friends, through colleagues, to society at large). For individuals to be able to gain insight into their own situation and to help themselves and their families (on their own or through a therapist) they need first to identify what troubles them, then to arrive at sounder structure and more congruent communication, and to become aware of the existence of healthy family patterns. For spouses to be able to avoid drawing their children into their marital conflicts, even when they are under stress, they need to comprehend the significance of a healthy spousal coalition; to avoid power struggles, to know that any private victory is a defeat for the family system, they need to understand the value of equality and teamwork. And (to return to parenthood) only those parents who see that the function of families is to satisfy every member's needs for security, affection and appreciation, are in the position to ask themselves and each other, whether the family does indeed provide such satisfaction; only self-aware parents can respect their children and their children's needs, rather than use them for their own needs; only they are able to encourage a sibling coalition, instead of setting their children against each other; only they can nourish them during the critical years and let go of them when they mature.

The first part of this book therefore attempts to help the reader identify what happens to and around individuals in their family circle, to encourage them to try out various alternatives, to give them more choices, more conscious control over relationships. It is our position that one can choose not to continue on a dysfunctional path, one can unlearn what has been learned.

1

Blindness, or With Eyes Wide Shut

Go, you seer, flee away. (Amos 7:12)

It takes time for newborns to develop the ability to see the world around them, to focus on stationary objects, to follow the moving ones, and to use the information contained in patterns and colors. Developing another kind of seeing, unrelated to the optic nerve, also takes time. Here we are referring to the ability to look into oneself and into others, to see – somewhat paradoxically – of all things, those that are not apparent to the eye. The paradoxical nature of metaphorical seeing was made even more blatant by the existentialist psychotherapist Irwin Yalom (1993, p. 163), one of whose characters says that “sometimes I see better with closed eyes,” perhaps because appearances always hide some underlying stratum. Such non-physical, non-literal seeing has important implications for both intra- and interpersonal situations.

In the intra-personal realm many individuals have the ability to arrive at an understanding of themselves through conscious reflection. For some others the clear perception of their own needs and drives may occur suddenly, as in a flash. These two types of seeing respectively correspond to the conscious and preconscious layers of personality. Yet the cornerstone of all psychodynamic theories, such as Freud's or Jung’s, is the emphasis on unconscious motivation. The latter implies that a considerable portion of our behavior is driven by motives to which we are blind. Psychotherapy is concerned with the gaining of insight, or the bringing to light of hidden, dark corners of one's life (see Chapter 3).

When it comes to social relationships, any inability to see oneself tends to spread to significant others: we cannot see others without first seeing ourselves. A further complication occurs when a person's inability or unwillingness to see leaves unsatisfied the surrounding persons’ need to be seen. The gap that occurs may have far-reaching consequences: Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist who was one of the pioneers of family therapy, threw light on the family dynamics that made individuals within families choose pathogenic coping mechanisms, rather than look at the underlying family currents (Kerr and Bowen, 1988).

Seeing one's own needs and motives or those of others involves several stages. First one must stop. This is not an easy undertaking, for we tend to continue our ongoing activities, in spite of various internal and external interruptions. As is the case with the related tendency toward homeostasis (discussed in Chapter 5), this inclination is often very useful, for it keeps us on track. However, occasionally it also prevents us from examining our experiences, from giving ourselves an account of what is happening to us and around us. So first of all – stop. Then reflect. This is another difficult task, requiring conscious effort. Reflection (a form of introspection) involves self-questioning and re-examining one's emotions, thoughts and behaviors; as such, it forms the basis of learning about ourselves and about our relationship to our social environment. Bennett-Levy (2003, p. 18) considered this capacity to re-present and analyze past, present, and future events as a unique human skill. Only after having thus stopped and thought reflectively, can one claim to have embarked on the process of gaining insight.

Keeping achieved insights to oneself offers limited benefits within the family context: one must put to use such self-observations by acting upon them and by sharing them with one's intimate circle. A circular process is likely to be set in motion, for the more one shares knowledge about oneself with significant others, the more they will be ready to share their insights, resulting in increased closeness.

Family dynamics, similarly to other interpersonal situations, may be characterized by the type of communication that typically takes place in them (more about family communication patterns on pp. 74--75). Communication, however, is not an entirely transparent process. Every human activity conveys meanings at several levels: concrete and abstract, manifest and latent, iconic and symbolic. Uninvolved, observant outsiders are more likely to see both overt and covert levels than the concerned parties, for the former are not threatened by connotations and associations. Messages used within the family have (at least) three layers of meaning (Kramer-Moore and Moore, 2002, pp. 25–31. For a thorough discussion of the possible interpretation of messages see Eco, 1990). We shall refer to these as an overt, manifest meaning, visible to all (Layer A); a hidden meaning, both intended and disguised by its sender (Layer B); and a deep layer, to which the portrayer is blind, and which is visible to some observers, hidden to others (Layer C; see Box 1.1). Valesio (1980, pp. 41–42) referred to the mechanism underlying the latter as one “that speaks through the speaker-writer, often against his intention.” These three layers are analogous to the public, hidden, and blind regions, respectively, of the Johari window of self-awareness (see Luft, 1969). We consider the gaps among the three as the source of dysfunctional communication.

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Box 1.1 Circles within circles

Fairy tales are a perfect source for illustrating layers of meaning; not unlike myths, these stories for children contain more than what meets the eye. In his analysis of several popular tales (such as Jack and the Beanstalk, Little Red Riding Hood, and Cinderella) the psychologist Bruno Bettelheim (1976) used psychoanalytic techniques to reveal their covert meaning; others (e.g. Tatar, 1992) applied tools taken from additional disciplines to go beyond the surface message delivered by bedtime stories.

We shall use Grimm's (1944) St. Joseph in the Forest tale to exemplify the three layers:

Layer A: a mother loves her selfish daughter rather than her well-behaved, pious one. Disguised as a beggar, St. Joseph discovers their true mettle; rewards the good daughter, kills the bad one and punishes their mother.

Layer B: human judgment is erroneous, but God “tries the reins and the heart.” Or, we should be always considerate and giving to others, since we do not know who has the power to punish us.

Layer C: a mother may play favorites with her children, as long as she prefers the good one. Furthermore, as a mode of behavior, self-sacrifice is preferred to self-preservation, and even to fair sharing of food. Only the professional reader will see that both of these Layer C messages are pathological from a psychological point of view.

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Dangers, Taboos, and Punishments

Seeing is a potentially dangerous exercise: the readiness to look at some previously well-camouflaged areas of our life, and thereby gain the opportunity to employ healthier coping strategies can have painful consequences. Making others see is no less dangerous. The often violent rejection of seers has been told many times both throughout history and literature; it has continued in some modern societies, where those who criticize the establishment or do not turn a blind-eye to corruption can find themselves in physical danger. We know of entire political systems that have invested incredible amounts of energy to prevent their citizens from seeing: the Third Reich disguised its extermination camps as work camps; the Soviet Union flooded its mass media...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Part 1: Seeing
• Part 2: Saying
• References
• Index