We are not our behaviours, even if we are sometimes described as such. No one behaves assertively, aggressively or non-assertively all the time.
People vary their behaviour between all three and are more likely to react aggressively or non-assertively when they feel under pressure or stressed.
There may be certain situations in which you find it more difficult to be assertive, or people who are more difficult to be assertive with. Your assertive behaviour may break down at work, at home or when you are out with friends. It may happen more often with certain types of people e.g. those in authority, people you think are smarter or more competent than you, relatives, or members of the opposite sex.
All three behaviours work and that is why we keep repeating them.
1. Aggression
Aggressive behaviour is when you:
- Stand up for your own rights in such a way that you violate the rights of another.
- Express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in unsuitable and inappropriate ways, even though you may honestly believe those views to be right.
Aggression enhances your own position at the expense of others and can be used to put another person down. Aggression is based on the belief that your opinions are more important than other people’s. It is characterized by blaming other people or outside factors, by showing contempt, and being hostile, attacking or patronizing.
Aggression can sometimes be confused with assertion.
If someone communicates in an aggressive way, such as raising their voice, staring people down, or constantly interrupting, others may remain quiet and acquiescent and give in. The aggression can be perceived as confidence: “you really told them there!” – with such feedback reinforcing the idea that this behaviour is assertive.
If you have been non-assertive and compliant and held back your emotions the dam may burst and you decide, “that’s it – enough is enough – no more.”
You may, in the first instance, overstep the mark and express all the pent-up emotion by demanding your rights, insisting your needs be met now, and communicating in an aggressive way.
If this behaviour succeeds, where your non-assertion in the past did not, this “success,” this new-found power, may seduce you into thinking you are being assertive.
A good example of this was John, who came on one of our assertiveness programmes. After the first day he was so impressed with the material and his new-found assertive skills, he decided to go out for dinner and practise what he had learned from day 1 of the programme.
John pitched up the next day looking all forlorn and thoroughly dejected.
The programme hadn’t properly kicked in yet, and I asked him if he’d enjoyed his evening out and whether he had any chance yet to put his new-found learning to use.
“This assertiveness doesn’t work for me,” he said. “I tried it last night and it was a complete failure. I’m one of those guys who goes in to a crowded bar, shuffles up to the front and tries to order a drink. Invariably I am the very last person served even though other people have arrived long after me.
“It’s not only in pubs but also in restaurants, where I’ll be the last one to get served despite being there before others.
“Last night I thought I’d change all that. I remembered all that you said about body language, voice control and using assertive language, and it still didn’t work.
“I sat down at my table and tried to engage the waitress as she walked by, but she never stopped at my table. She handed out menus to everyone but me; even people who came long after me got the menu first.
“After 10 minutes or so I had had enough. As the waitress walked by I gently held out my hand, stared her down and said, ‘Excuse me Miss, but I’ve been waiting here for about 15 minutes and you’ve handed out the menu to everyone but me. This is making me very annoyed and unless I get my menu straight away and my food even quicker I am going to leave.’
“And you know what? She turned round and said ‘I’m sorry you’re disappointed, sir, but it is your prerogative to do what you want.’
“So I did. I got up and walked out.”
Although John stood up for his needs in no uncertain manner his first interaction with his waitress was hostile and threatening and it was no wonder the conversation resulted in a failure.
“She is very assertive,” people say, “I wouldn’t mess with her or get in her way.” “He’s very assertive and always gets what he wants no matter what.”
When you adopt this behaviour, sometimes you get what you want and, at other times, you will invite opposition and dislike.
Society and some cultures reward aggressive behaviour. Those who are aggressive can succeed. As with assertion, aggression can represent standing up for yourself and your views but at the expense of others. Others seem to admire you for your strength, confidence, and commitment – provided they are not at the receiving end!
