Assertiveness

How To Be Strong In Every Situation

Conrad Potts, Suzanne Potts

• Publisher: Capstone
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9780857083678
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Commerce
• Subtopic: Petite entreprise

How to overcome challenges with confidence

No matter how successful we are, we all face stressful and hard-to-handle challenges in daily life, and – if we want to be as happy and healthy as we can – we must learn to assert ourselves, make our voices heard and approach life with confidence and self-assurance.

This book is a roadmap to help you navigate your way through those challenging opportunities, hurdles and milestones. Taking universal scenarios case by case, and packed with practical tips, this inspiring, down-to-earth book will give you the tools to build your self-esteem and become happier, healthier, and in control of your own destiny.

• Written in an approachable style which posits practical solutions to a range of universal problems
• Deals with assertiveness in business, family, social situations and all areas of life
• Covers topics like 'dealing with your boss', 'dealing with finances', 'asking for a pay rise', 'saying no at work'

PART ONE

1

What is Assertion?

There are many definitions of the word assertion. Indeed, people often attend assertiveness training to get more of their own way or to be more forceful.

Our view is that assertion is about something quite different:

Assertiveness is a behaviour that seeks to achieve a win-win – a satisfactory outcome for both parties.

When you adopt assertive behaviour you get more of what you want, but only when you acknowledge and give consideration to what the other person wants or needs. It’s the paradox of win-win that makes it possible.

If you want to be a success in your personal life, business, career, or anything you choose to mention, you need to be assertive in your communication and take responsibility for your life.

Assertive people are successful because they are considered as authentic, “what you see is what you get,” straight shooters who you can rely on to be honest and forthright – you know where you stand.

Behaving more assertively will increase your happiness in life and you are likely to have a longer life span than someone who is communicating aggressively or passively.

Assertion gives you permission to state your needs clearly and allows you to ask others to acknowledge them. Assertion requires you to listen to others’ needs and to acknowledge them.

You need a number of tools and resources to maintain your confidence, feel strong yet flexible, trust in your abilities and work in ways that bring you enjoyment and pleasure in what you do. You need to know you are not a prisoner of events or circumstances and that you can positively influence and change the world in which you live.

We believe behaving assertively helps you achieve this and so much more. Behaving in an assertive way allows you to focus, and to achieve what is possible, rather than preoccupying yourself with doubt, misgivings and focusing on what you think is not possible.

Three ways of behaving

We can behave in any of three ways:

• aggressively
• non-assertively (sometimes called passive aggression)
• assertively.

We are not our behaviours, even if we are sometimes described as such. No one behaves assertively, aggressively or non-assertively all the time.

People vary their behaviour between all three and are more likely to react aggressively or non-assertively when they feel under pressure or stressed.

There may be certain situations in which you find it more difficult to be assertive, or people who are more difficult to be assertive with. Your assertive behaviour may break down at work, at home or when you are out with friends. It may happen more often with certain types of people e.g. those in authority, people you think are smarter or more competent than you, relatives, or members of the opposite sex.

All three behaviours work and that is why we keep repeating them.

1. Aggression

Aggressive behaviour is when you:

• Stand up for your own rights in such a way that you violate the rights of another.
• Express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in unsuitable and inappropriate ways, even though you may honestly believe those views to be right.

Aggression enhances your own position at the expense of others and can be used to put another person down. Aggression is based on the belief that your opinions are more important than other people’s. It is characterized by blaming other people or outside factors, by showing contempt, and being hostile, attacking or patronizing.

Aggression can sometimes be confused with assertion.

If someone communicates in an aggressive way, such as raising their voice, staring people down, or constantly interrupting, others may remain quiet and acquiescent and give in. The aggression can be perceived as confidence: “you really told them there!” – with such feedback reinforcing the idea that this behaviour is assertive.

If you have been non-assertive and compliant and held back your emotions the dam may burst and you decide, “that’s it – enough is enough – no more.”

You may, in the first instance, overstep the mark and express all the pent-up emotion by demanding your rights, insisting your needs be met now, and communicating in an aggressive way.

If this behaviour succeeds, where your non-assertion in the past did not, this “success,” this new-found power, may seduce you into thinking you are being assertive.

A good example of this was John, who came on one of our assertiveness programmes. After the first day he was so impressed with the material and his new-found assertive skills, he decided to go out for dinner and practise what he had learned from day 1 of the programme.

John pitched up the next day looking all forlorn and thoroughly dejected.

The programme hadn’t properly kicked in yet, and I asked him if he’d enjoyed his evening out and whether he had any chance yet to put his new-found learning to use.

“This assertiveness doesn’t work for me,” he said. “I tried it last night and it was a complete failure. I’m one of those guys who goes in to a crowded bar, shuffles up to the front and tries to order a drink. Invariably I am the very last person served even though other people have arrived long after me.

“It’s not only in pubs but also in restaurants, where I’ll be the last one to get served despite being there before others.

“Last night I thought I’d change all that. I remembered all that you said about body language, voice control and using assertive language, and it still didn’t work.

“I sat down at my table and tried to engage the waitress as she walked by, but she never stopped at my table. She handed out menus to everyone but me; even people who came long after me got the menu first.

“After 10 minutes or so I had had enough. As the waitress walked by I gently held out my hand, stared her down and said, ‘Excuse me Miss, but I’ve been waiting here for about 15 minutes and you’ve handed out the menu to everyone but me. This is making me very annoyed and unless I get my menu straight away and my food even quicker I am going to leave.’

“And you know what? She turned round and said ‘I’m sorry you’re disappointed, sir, but it is your prerogative to do what you want.’

“So I did. I got up and walked out.”

Although John stood up for his needs in no uncertain manner his first interaction with his waitress was hostile and threatening and it was no wonder the conversation resulted in a failure.

“She is very assertive,” people say, “I wouldn’t mess with her or get in her way.” “He’s very assertive and always gets what he wants no matter what.”

When you adopt this behaviour, sometimes you get what you want and, at other times, you will invite opposition and dislike.

Society and some cultures reward aggressive behaviour. Those who are aggressive can succeed. As with assertion, aggression can represent standing up for yourself and your views but at the expense of others. Others seem to admire you for your strength, confidence, and commitment – provided they are not at the receiving end!

2. Non-assertion

Non-assertive behaviour is when you:

• fail to stand up for your rights or do so in such a way that other people can easily disregard them;
• express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in apologetic, cautious or self-effacing ways; or
• fail to express your views or feelings altogether.

Submission is based on the belief that your own needs and wants will be seen by others to be less important than their own. Typical examples of submissive behaviour are long, justifying explanations, and putting yourself down whilst attempting to accommodate the nee...