The Power of Understanding People

The Key to Strengthening Relationships, Increasing Sales, and Enhancing Organizational Performance

Dave Mitchell

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN:
  9781118726839
• Edition: 1
• eBook ISBN:
  9781118726884
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business Communication
• Index: Business

How to build lasting connections through meaningful communication

Developing successful relationships is critical to our success in both our personal and professional lives. The Power of Understanding People shows you how to establish and develop extremely effective relationships by providing you with techniques to better identify and understand the intrinsic needs of others. As a result, you will achieve better team dynamics, increased sales and client satisfaction, higher levels of employee engagement and performance, and even more satisfying marriages and friendships. This book provides the tools to understand others' unique communication style as well as your own. Get detailed advice on how to adjust to diverse communication styles, develop a unifying language for the organization, and better match motivational techniques to team members. Through storytelling and experiential exercises, author Dave Mitchell helps you gain insight into your own unique interaction style and teaches you how to communicate, motivate, sell, and service more successfully no matter the personality types involved.

• Offers insight into the behavior cues and questions to ask to better understand someone's interactive preferences
• Explains how to enhance your sales efforts by better targeting your brand message to the client's style so that your products/services resonate with them more
• Examines strategies for creating a high performing work environment and achieve greater customer service excellence
• Contains conflict resolution strategies, including how to effectively work out differences within a team, between work units, with customers, and even in your personal life

Armed with the ability to interpret the behavior of the people around you, you will achieve greater levels of success at work and at home while also learning how to better handle the difficult situations involving people in your life.

Chapter 1

Understanding Romantics and Warriors

It's Feelings versus Logic for These Styles

If your lowest score is in column b, you are a Romantic. Now, there are three distinct types of Romantics (just as there are for all four of the styles), and we will explore these when we examine the 12 Hollywood movie characters. For now, let's focus on the similarities that exist between all Romantics.

Romantics' style is based on sensitivity to emotion. They live in a delusion comprised of feelings and experience emotions more palpably than the other three styles. Imagine that we each have six senses—the traditional five plus one more that our life experiences (not our DNA) have created. The Romantics' sixth sense is in perceiving the emotional content of their environment.

A Romantic can walk into a room, see someone, and correctly proclaim, “They are not happy,” without even talking to the other person. Non-Romantics might ask, “How do you know? You haven't talked to anyone.” “I can just tell; the anger is thick in here,” the Romantic responds. Somehow, the Romantic's life experiences have made him or her more adept at recognizing feelings. Perhaps the Romantic is more attuned to nonverbal communication elements or has actually developed a sixth sense of emotion. Whatever the reason, Romantics live in a feeling world.

Romantics' primary desire is for world peace. “Why can't we all just get along?” they wonder. If we could just join hands and sing “We Are the World,” they would be happy. They tend to be tactful and diplomatic. They often sacrifice their own needs to make others happy and keep the emotional environment positive. They tend to avoid conflict and spend a great deal of time packaging the message when delivering bad news. You can expect Romantics to wrap the negative in pretty paper with a bow to take as much pain from the news as possible. And if Romantics hurt someone's feelings, you can rest assured that they meant to do it. They may say, “I am so sorry; I didn't mean to hurt your feelings,” but yeah, that's not true. Romantics know exactly how their behaviors will affect emotions.

If your lowest score is in column d, you are a Warrior. Warriors are not going for world peace; they are going for world domination. They know there will be casualties and believe we should start by killing the stupid people. Warriors do not suffer fools gladly and have a logical sensitivity. You probably have never heard of this type of sensitivity, but it's like seeing the shortest path to a desired outcome. I imagine Warriors as possessing a time invested/value received scale inside their heads. For Warriors, the more time invested, the greater the value received will need to be. By this measure, if Warriors can minimize time invested, they take pressure of the required value received—and tend to put pressure on things to speed up as a result. Warriors like efficiency, results, and to be done. The quickest route to the outcome is the one they prefer. Anything that takes them off this path increases time invested and becomes irritating. Things such as conference calls, unnecessary meetings, and small talk all can annoy them a great deal.

“Pretty sure you don't care about my weekend, and I certainly don't care about yours. Let's go to work,” probably runs through the mind of every Warrior leader on each Monday morning.

These two very different sensitivities affect the way these styles communicate. Warriors are direct communicators because that's the quickest way to send a message. The words convey the entirety of the meaning. Don't try to read anything into what they said or find some hidden, unexpressed message; what they say is what they mean.

Romantics are indirect communicators; the words they say mean nothing. Well, not nothing, but the words actually convey very little of the true meaning. The real message is in their left eyebrow…or their tone, word choice, accompanying facial expressions, posture, pace, how hard they place a plate down on the table, and so on. Fellow Romantics understand this communication technique, but other styles…not so much. This can be a source of great frustration for Romantics. But when two Romantics communicate, the meaning is obvious. Two Warriors can beat each other about the head and upper body, assault one another verbally, and then go have a beer together—and the only person who is upset by the exchange is the Romantic who witnessed it. Basically, Warriors have no idea what Romantics are trying to communicate, and Romantics think Warriors are angrier than they really are.

The two styles negotiate in very different ways. Romantics build relationships with the other party, endearing themselves as a friend. Their strategy is, “If the other party gets to know me well enough, they will give me a better deal. They will ‘take care of me.’” I call this the honor bar approach to negotiation. It is based on trusting that the other person will do the right thing, because the two people involved have a relationship. In doing so, the Romantic avoids the potentially unpleasant emotional impact of conflict during negotiations.

Warriors, on the other hand, are aggressive negotiators. They don't trust a deal that they didn't work hard to get, and it is crucial that they win in the end. They are competitive, so it would be difficult for them to imagine that you would just give them the best deal up front. We'll talk more about the practical application of this issue in later chapters, but there is a more figurative application for these tendencies, too. It relates to something called intrinsic needs.

Human behavior is motivated by two of types of needs: intrinsic and extrinsic. Extrinsic needs include things such as income, benefits, leisure time, and promotions. These issues can influence performance levels but are a less efficient and effective way to inspire behavior. Intrinsic needs are more powerful. I like to think of the difference like this. There are a couple of ways you can get your car to move. You can put fuel inside the tank and let the motor power the car, or you can push it. Clearly, you go a lot farther with a lot less effort using the former approach. Extrinsic rewards are like pushing the car; intrinsic rewards are like fueling the car from the inside.

Here's an example. Let's say that Chase is a Warrior. Chase is trying to finish a client project he is working on, but he needs a signed document before he can close the file. When he calls the client, the client tells Chase that he will fax the document right over to him. A fax—really? What is this, 1995? Chase is already aggravated, because now he has to find the fax machine and wait for the client to send over the document. Now Chase is in the mailroom stalking the fax machine like it's a wild animal. He is stomping around, sighing, and exclaiming to anyone within earshot that he can't believe he is waiting on a fax. A FAX !

Eventually, Chase notices that Marty has been in the mailroom the entire time. Marty is a Romantic. Chase thinks, “If Marty is going to be hanging out in here anyway, he might as well keep an eye out for my fax.” This would allow Chase to go back to his office and be productive rather than waste time here. It's a no-brainer for Chase. Chase turns to Marty, “Hey Marty, I should be getting a fax any minute from a client. Would you mind grabbing it and putting it into my box when it comes in?”

Now, is this Marty's job? No. Does Marty do it? Yes. Why? When I ask this question during my seminars, the answers are usually, “because Marty is nice,” or “Marty is a people pleaser,” or some variation of that theme. All of those responses are accurate, but there is a darker, more sinister motivation for Marty that Romantics won't share with you. Marty wants Chase gone. Yep. Chase is a buzzkill for Marty. He is messing with Marty's mellow. So, if Marty can eliminate Chase and his toxic emotions from his environment simply by taking care of this fax, then it's a done deal!

Is there a fee for this service that Marty is providing? Yes. There is always a fee for a service, but notice that Marty did not negotiate any payment. That's because the Romantic Marty is using an honor bar approach. Any Romantic would know that there is a fee for this service, so he doesn't need to ask for payment. Payment will be provided. And that payment is appreciation. Appreciation is the Romantic style's currency—the intrinsic need of the Romantic community. Romantics are happy to self-sacrifice for the good of others, provided they are paid with some praise, some love. A little sugar, if you will. Romantics perform at their best in appreciation-abundant environments.

But does Chase pay Marty? Again, when I ask this question during my seminar, I generally receive a resounding, “No! ” (Apparently, there are lots of angry Romantics out there.) The fact is, Chase does pay. Unfortunately, he pays using the wrong currency—the one that's consistent with his intrinsic need. And that is not appreciation for the Warrior: It is independence. Warriors operate under the principle, “Do you like my work? Yes? Then leave me alone!” No news is good news to the Warrior. If you do your job well, you are rewarded with freedom. So if Chase trusts Marty to take care of the fax, he will leave him alone.

Marty, however, views this independence in a very different way: He feels unappreciated and is now annoyed. As Marty sees it, Chase is in bad debt, and Marty is going to make a Romantic collection call. Here's how that works: Chase is walking one way down the hall, and Marty is coming toward him. Chase sees Marty and asks, “Hey Marty, how's it going?” “Fine,” Marty replies in a clipped tone. There is no accompanying smile or reciprocated interest in Chase. All the Romantics who witness this know what “fine” means in this context. Marty just told Chase that the two of them have an issue and that the circle of trust has been broken. All the other Romantics notice immediately and start chatting, “What's up between Marty and Chase?”

But what does “fine” mean to Chase? It means Marty is fine. Remember: The words convey the entirety of meaning for a Warrior. In Chase's mind, he asked Marty how he was and Marty said fine. In fact, Chase thinks they had a particularly good conversation today. Sometimes Marty can be chatty, but today he was straight to the point. Chase didn't even break stride. Perfect! But for poor Marty, still no payment. Bad debt confirmed.

This brings us to the concept of the CTL container—something that I strongly believe will be viewed as my biggest contribution to applied cognitive psychology. Sure, it hasn't been acknowledged by the scientific community nor is it based on any valid research, but my experiences observing human behavior make me confident in its existence. CTL stands for crap tolerance level. Romantics have a huge CTL container but a very small spoon for emptying it. When Romantics feel that someone has taken them for granted, like Marty in the preceding example, they can place those emotions in the CTL container. Now, although it is a large container, it is not infinite. It has a lid. To put crap into the container, Romantics must open the lid. The lid is voice-activated using a key word. That word is often whatever. When you hear Romantics say, “You know what, whatever,” their container is open and crap is being put in.

As Romantics' CTL containers reach their full capacity, subtle behavioral changes begin to occur. Romantics may not smile as much, may not take as great an interest in other people's lives, and may become a bit more edgy or sarcastic. They may place items on a dining table or desk with more force than usual. These changes are not immediately recognized by the other styles, only by fellow Romantics. But when fellow Romantics notice these changes, they realize instantly that their style brethren needs some help spooning out the crap. “Come on, everyone. Marty's container is full,” they say as they all come running, each with their little spoon, to help Marty empty out his crap. This is called happy hour.

Actually, it is called venting. Venting is a very important element of Romantics' mental well-being. And because the source of the crap is often a Warrior, it is to them that they wish to vent. However, Warriors don't understand venting. You see, they have a tiny little CTL container. They don't store much crap. But they have a big ladle for emptying the container, which means they are always flinging crap. “Take your crap with you; I don't have any room for your crap.” The concept of storing up crap for a ceremonial emptying event like venting is completely alien to Warriors. In fact, they don't call it venting. They call it whining. “Why would you complain about things and not want to fix them?” thinks the Warrior. Of course, this only leads to more crap for the Romantics.

Many Warriors have learned—either through seminars and resources like this book or from human resources professionals, attorneys, and marriage counselors—the importance of supporting Romantics in the venting process. Even when a Warrior has come to understand the importance of venting, he or she still often struggles with execution. Organizations and marriages are full of examples like this:

Marty (the Romantic) knocks on Chase's office door. “Hey Chase, do you have a second?” This is Romantic speak for, “My CTL container is full and most of its contents came from you, so I've arrived to empty it.”

Chase (the Warrior) is sitting at his desk with a long to-do list, with “talk to Marty” nowhere on it. If he doesn't feel he has time or that talking to Marty is that important, he is very comfortable saying, “No, I am really busy. Catch me later.” However, if Chase has been made aware of the importance of venting, then he will likely mentally survey his to-do list to determine the items that can be replaced with “talk to Marty.” This reprioritizing of Chase's day will likely take about 3 seconds of time. During these 3 seconds, it would not be unusual for Chase to emit an audible sigh. It is the sigh of resignation that accompanies the realization that today will not be as productive as Chase had hoped. Ultimately, Chase responds with, <sigh> “Sure, come in.” This is Warrior speak for “Sure, come in.” (Remember, the words convey the entirety of the meaning.)

But what did Marty hear when Chase spoke those words? “No.” Remember, the words mean little or nothing for Romantics. It was the sigh that imparted the majority of the message. And what does the sigh mean to Romantics? Well, roughly translated, “I would rather have a stick shoved in my eye than talk to you for the next 30 minutes.” The miscommunication continues:

Marty responds to Chase by saying, “You know what? You obviously have more important things to do than talk with me right now.” He pivots...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Preface
• Introduction: We Are All Delusional!
• Chapter 1: Understanding Romantics and Warriors: It's Feelings versus Logic for These Styles
• Chapter 2: Understanding Experts and Masterminds: Tried and True Contrasted with Possibilities
• Chapter 3: The 12 Interactive Combinations—Hollywood Style!
• Chapter 4: Recognizing Each Style: The Behavioral Cues That Might Indicate Another Person's Style
• Chapter 5: Leading Each Style: Creating a High-Performing Culture by Understanding Interactive Style
• Chapter 6: Selling to Each Style: You Can Expand Your Market Share by Adjusting to Your Consumer's Interactive Style
• Chapter 7: Providing Customer Service to Each Style: The Key to High Customer Satisfaction Results Is Adjusting to the Customer's Style
• Chapter 8: Personal Relationships and Interactive Style: Better Understand Family and Friends and Enhance Your Marriage
• Conclusion: The Unusual Goal of an Educator
• Index