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PART ONE
Working with Students
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chapter ONE
Responding to Student Conflicts
You had heard some rumblings a couple of weeks ago about two best friends whoâd had a falling out. Once sworn friends, the two girls could no longer pass each other in the hall without their iciness having a polarizing effect across the school. The tension between the two was evident in classes, among cliques, and online. Even extracurricular activities werenât immune to the fallout; sides were taken and lines were drawn around the school, unbeknownst to you. You hadnât paid much attention to the initial conflict because you naĂŻvely mistook the quiet for calm; how were you to know that the quiet was just the harbinger of the coming storm?
And so when two shrill voices rose above the din of the class change one Monday morning while you were on hall duty, you really didnât understand what was occurring. When you arrived at the scene of the disturbance, you discovered the two girls pointing angrily in each otherâs faces, obscenities flying, and a crowd of onlookers rapidly getting sucked into the black hole the opponents were creating. Thankfully, no punches were thrownâthere wasnât even a shoveâbut there was no mistaking the potential for violence or the disruption to the learning environment. Nor was there any mistaking the serious consequences that would have been handed out if there had been a physical conflict, or how two young adults unable to control wild and deep emotions would have jeopardized their otherwise well-respected academic records.
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Life is marked by conflict. Whether it is between spouses, siblings, friends, or coworkers, conflict is a staple of the human condition. Of course, life is no different for your students than it is for you or for us. And given studentsâ youth and inexperience, especially when coupled with the social environment of school and technology, student conflicts can easily, quickly, and frequently erupt. Their aftershocks can have a profound impact on social circles and the atmosphere in the school; and just when you think everything is quiet, tremors rippling beneath the surface initiate a whole new dramatic event. So it is only natural that many times over the course of a marking period, conflicts of all types and kinds eventually find their way to your office. And although these conflicts are a normal and necessary part of learning and growing up, their potential to cause such upheaval cannot be ignored.
RECOGNIZE STUDENT CONFLICTS
Student conflicts take a variety of shapes and forms. Some start innocently enough as simple disagreements and end there, never escalating into anything more significant. On the other end of the spectrum, though, are those that foment and culminate in verbal altercations (or worse), and they usually seem to occur anywhere and whenever there is an audience presentâin the hallways, in the cafeteria, or while boarding buses, where the screaming, yelling, and cursing are heard by a significant portion of the schoolâs population. Following are examples of the different types of conflicts you are bound to encounter in a secondary school setting.
Conflicts Caused by Rumor and Gossip
We find that most conflicts stem from something that someone has said behind the other personâs back, either innocently or maliciously. Some students are very open and âshare their businessâ with anyone who will listen, but then are surprised when everyone seems to be talking about their business or recent activities. In other instances, the instigating action might not even occur within the school building; perhaps something was posted online, texted, or e-mailed the previous night, but by the morning, the key player or players are suddenly aware of what has occurred, which often has an impact on the learning environment.
Relationship Conflicts
Regardless of their grade level, academic performance, or social clique, students experience school as their very own soap opera, and the relationships around which their lives revolve change on a nearly daily basis. Best friends become ex-friends, friends date their friendsâ exes, good friends are âfrenemiesâ who engage in subtle and not-so-subtle battles, and an endless cycle of hookups and breakups courses through our houses of learning. As a result, our needing to help friends repair their relationships is a constant. However, we recommend always avoiding mediating students involved in romantic relationships; entering this area would be opening the proverbial can of worms.
Personality Conflicts
As much as we would like all of our students to get along with one another, the reality of life is that people donât and wonât like everyone they meet, nor are they liked by everyone. This might seem obvious enough to us, but to the outgoing, optimistic, and academically successful fifteen-year-old girl, it usually comes as a surprise when she discovers that someone dislikes her without any apparent reason. She canât comprehend why a classmate always seems to mutter things under her breath when she passes her in the hallway or why she âmean mugsâ her (staring, glaring at her, shooting her dirty looks). And this exemplary young woman might suddenly find herself losing control of her emotions or doing things that she had never done before because this person seems to be âout to get herâ for âno reason.â
Conflicts Caused by Racial, Ethnic, or Gender Differences
As our society becomes more and more diverse, our students become more tolerant and understanding of diversity, but, paradoxically, we also encounter more conflict as a result of the increasing diversity. You can certainly expect the same to be true in your school, especially if it is experiencing a major change in its demographics. Similarly, students in recent years have begun to feel more comfortable about expressing their sexual and gender identity, and even though it appears that young adults are more tolerant and accepting of LGBT people, these individuals are still likely to face conflict as well.
Bullying
Although many of the aforementioned types of conflict can manifest as bullying, it is important to identify bullying (including cyberbullying) as a distinct type of conflict. Trying to resolve situations that involve bullying through mediation is not appropriate, for many reasons; we will address bullying later in a separate section.
MEDIATE STUDENT CONFLICTS
In many instances, students are able to work out their problems and conflicts on their own; however, there are just as many times when they are not, perhaps because they lack the necessary skills, maturity, or self-awareness. But because students will certainly continue to have these conflicts once they leave school, they need to learn how to communicate effectively, appropriately, and maturely with someone with whom they disagree.
We have found that by serving as mediators between students and trying to get to the root causes of the conflict, we can help students resolve differences before situations escalate, which in turn has a powerful and lasting impact on the students and the school as a whole. And although the results are difficult to measure quantitatively, engaging students in conflict mediation seems to reduce the possibility of violence; by extension, these proactive measures also reduce the number of suspensions and disciplinary consequences. But perhaps most important, through mediation students learn valuable life lessons and skills. And in our experience, many students we have mediated eventually ended up becoming friends, or they repaired their relationships, something that was unlikely to have happened for most of students had they been left to their own devices.
But just because you know that a conflict requires mediation does not mean that the students will be open to mediation. The specific situation and personalities involved often dictate how you will first present the idea of mediation. If you generally anticipate a favorable reply, you can give the students the illusion of choice by asking if they would like to try mediationâto take the opportunity to discuss their conflict in an objective setting, with you as a neutral facilitator to help them understand the issue at the core of the conflict and to resolve it. However, in other situations, you do not present mediation as an option; rather, you simply state that it will happen, with the implicit understanding that the alternative option is disciplinary consequences. In some cases, you will immediately recognize that the situation is so combustible that any attempt to mediate would end disastrously, so you donât even entertain the option. Regardless of how you introduce the idea, the following are some basic guidelines for the mediation process.
Set the Stage
Before you sit the students down together, talk with each of them separately about what they can expect from you when they enter the room and what you expect from them. Acknowledge that there may be a point during the session when they may be upset or angry; convey that it is acceptable to feel that way, but also express your expectation and your confidence that they will be able to âkeep it together.â
Set the students at a clear table, free of staplers or other items that could be easy to use as projectiles. Also be aware of the arrangement of the furniture in the meeting area, as well as the location of the quickest exit. Although you naturally hope that physical conflict is unlikely, taking these steps can be very important for your safety and the safety of the students. Last, it helps to meet in a neutral area when possible. For example, if you are the administrator for one student and not the other, you might want to consider meeting in an office other than either yours or your colleagueâs. You need both students to understand that there are no sides in the relationship nor in the process, that the only objective is an agreed-on outcome.
Establish Ground Rules
Because you will be entering a charged situation, it is especially important that you create a structure that facilitates dialogue. Because conflicts often arise or continue because communication is impossible or unwanted, you want to create a climate that allows for communication. It is equally important to attempt to protect the emotional well-being of both parties involved, and establishing ground rules is the way to do so. But even if you address ground rules individually with the students, it is still a good idea to mention them again once they are seated in the room. As a way to break the ice and reinforce your expectations, you might even have the students restate the ground rules at the onset of mediation. The following are some ground rules that we have found particularly helpful. (Depending on the degree of the need for mediation, you might choose to explain them in more positive terms, as we have indicated.)
- No standing up (Remain seated). Students must remain seated, especially because suddenly standing up could be perceived as a sign of aggression.
- No yelling (Stay calm). Students will certainly raise their voices because you and they are dealing with an emotionally charged situation, but make it clear that they are not to yell at each other. If they do, you need to immediately call a âtime-out,â and as a referee send them back to their proverbial corners until they have cooled down and are able to continue with the mediation.
- No personal attacks (Be objective). Because students are vulnerable and upset in these situations, you can expect there to be cursing sometimes, although you neednât condone it. Policing swearing is not the sword that we choose to fall on, but we do make it clear that the students are present to have a productive conversation; name-calling and other personal attacks, such as derogatory or insulting comments, will not be tolerated, as they will not help produce a resolution.
- No using pronouns (Use each otherâs names). It might seem strange at first, but we ask students not to refer to each other as âhimâ or âher.â Referring to someone in the third person when he or she is present often conveys a feeling of rudeness and a degree of disrespect; you want to reach a common ground, a process that starts first with demonstrating respect. By using each otherâs names, the students are forced not only to show a measure of respect but to acknowledge each other as an actual person. Personalizing the dialogue in this way can sometimes make it uncomfortable for students to continue to treat each other poorly.
- No interrupting (Allow each other to speak). Announce that each student will have the opportunity to tell his or her version of what happened. Acknowledge that they might not agree with the otherâs perception of what happened, but will be permitted to share their side of the situation without interruptions. Students will undoubtedly try to interrupt each other in order to defend themselves or to refute a claim, so in order to preserve the process and the other studentâs dignity, you will need to quickly and firmly signal that the interruption is out of line. You might even point out to the student that he was able to give his version without interruption, so now he needs to extend that same courtesy to the other party. If you see that the students really want to interrupt, you can suggest that they write their thoughts on a piece of note paper and use that as a guide to their part of the discussion. This suggestion indicates that you know that what they have to say is important to them, but that you still value adhering to the ground rules.
- No blaming (Identify how you feel). Have students avoid saying what the other person did. Instead, have them speak in terms of how they themselves felt. Although we understand that this is not always possible, realistic, or easy to monitor over the course of a charged conversation, encourage students to say things like, âI feel hurt and angry when you say things to me when I pass you in the hallâ instead of âYou say things to me in the hallâ and so on. These kinds of âI statementsâ are usually perceived as less accusatory and combative and are less likely to put the listener on the defensive. In addition, this kind of framework allows the speaker to identify the cause of the conflict as well as what she is feeling, both of which are helpful to her and the other party involved in the mediation.
- No arm-crossing or other negative body language (Be seen as positive). What you should be concerned with here is minimizing body language and nonverbal gestures that could be perceived as defensive or offensive and instead encouraging those that would seem to indicate that the participants are listening. Ask students to sit up in their chairs and keep their hands on the table in order for them to listen better to what the other has to say. Whenever possible, try to have the students look at one another, as staring away or looking down could be interpreted as a sign of disrespect or disinterest.
It might seem that we are creating too rigid an environment in which to facilitate dialogue, and on some level, that may be true, which is why we encourage you to determine what works best for you and for your students. In our experience, we have found that a clearly defined structure is the foundation that leads to a mediationâs success. You want to create an environment where students can be honest and expressive yet also come to a resolution without having the situation escalate.
Facilitate the Mediation
We donât have a prescription for determining which student should tell her version first, but you do stand a good chance of creating an unproductive environment if you select the âwrongâ person to start. You might ask who would like to volunteer to begin the conversation, or flip a coin or utilize some other impartial way to begin the dialogue. In some cases where you know the students extremely well, when you speak with them privately you might explain why you will be letting the other person speak first, that she will be allowed to have the last word, and so on. For example, you might tell one student that because you trust her restraint and maturity, you are going to let the other student go first. Regardless of who begins the process, the following are some points to consider to help you facilitate the mediation.
Ask, âWhy Are We Here?â
For the most part, you should already be familiar with the major plot...
