Communicating Forgiveness

Vincent R. Waldron, Douglas L. Kelley

• Publisher: SAGE Publications, Inc
• Year: 2007
• Print ISBN: 9781412939713, 9781412939706
• eBook ISBN: 9781452278797
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Languages & Linguistics
• Subtopic: Communication Studies
• Index: Languages & Linguistics

Communicating Forgiveness is the first book to take a truly communicative look at the process of forgiveness. Authors Vincent R. Waldron and Douglas L. Kelley provide a synthesis of the literature on forgiveness in relationships. Grounded in real-life forgiveness narratives, this interdisciplinary text (pulling from such related fields as psychology, counseling, family studies, peace studies, conflict management, religious studies, and organizational behavior) offers a hopeful framework for negotiating healthy and just responses to relational disappointments.

Key Features  

• Conceptualizes forgiveness as communication: Offering an alternative to predominant psychological approaches, this is the first book to focus on specific communication behaviors associated with forgiveness.
• Provides an emotional connection: Real- life narratives from long-term couples, friends, family members, and coworkers make the text readable and relevant to today?s relationships.
• Includes a chapter on the practice of forgiveness: Practical advice and specific guidelines resonate well with readers as they apply to genuine friendships, romances, families, and workplaces.
• Offers path-breaking theory development: The book organizes existing forgiveness research around a descriptive communication framework, demonstrating how existing psychological research can be enriched through the application of communication theories.
• Presents a highly personal closing chapter: In the final chapter the authors provide a personal account of their experiences as researchers through "On the Drive Home" vignettes that convey key lessons learned.

Intended Audience  
This is an excellent supplemental text for a variety of advanced undergraduate and graduate courses such as Conflict Management, Interpersonal Communication, Family Communication, Communication in Personal Relationships, Psychology of Personal Relationships, Counseling, and Peace Studies in the departments of Communication, Psychology, Family Studies, and Counseling.

1

Conceptual Foundations

That is where I draw the line. I just couldn’t stay with him if he had sex with someone else. I don’t see how anyone could. It’s just not part of my moral code. Forget it!

—Aaron, age 26, engaged to Kevin

Are we willing to throw away 32 years, you know, just for a fling? I take it seriously; it crushed me. And it’s probably changed me a lot … the marriage was on real shaky ground there for a while…If you’re not willing to work through the hard times, you’re just not going to make it.

—Jan, age 64, married to Art for 41 years

These quotes illustrate, in two very different ways, why forgiveness is such an important topic for those of us who study personal relationships. Aaron was one of our students when she offered her thoughts on what for many is the most unforgivable of relational transgressions. We know from our research that some partners do eventually negotiate forgiveness after affairs, but Aaron speaks for us in linking the choice to forgive to the moral values that govern relationships. Forgiveness is partly a process of identifying and rectifying wrongdoing in our relationships, whether it happens at work, in our families, or among friends. Aaron suggested further to her classmates that there would be “nothing more to talk about” if her fiancé cheated. Here, we would respectfully disagree. Even under the most dire circumstances, partners are compelled to communicate as they become aware of transgressions, express strong emotions, and explore causes and potential consequences of relational events. They may choose to hold a grudge, seek retribution, or start down the more hopeful and compassionate path that leads to forgiveness and, possibly, reconciliation. But, in each case, communicative acts signal intentions, redefine relational possibilities and limitations, and propel them toward the relational future.

As participants in one of our studies, Jan and her husband told their story one day over cups of coffee in their comfortable living room. They remind us of a second important theme, one that complements Aaron’s emphasis on moral accountability: forgiveness can be a crucial step in the processes of repairing and maintaining the relationships we really care about. We interviewed nearly 60 couples like Jan and Art, most of whom had endured searing relational pain at some point in long relationships (most had lasted more than four decades). Confronted with a relational crisis, Art and Jan began a lengthy and painful process of forgiveness, one that continues today, but one that eventually restored their sense of relational justice, mutual respect, and love. Years after the affair, they are again happy. Jan is convinced that their relationship is stronger, in part because she eventually let go of her hostility and an understandable desire for revenge.

Most of us have committed less dramatic relational transgressions than those contemplated by Aaron and Jan—times when we sorely needed forgiveness because our behavior harmed a valued relationship. However, we have learned that people disagree about the very nature of forgiveness, when it is called for, and how it relates to other important concepts such as relational justice, atonement, and reconciliation. It turns out that theologians, philosophers, and scientists struggle with these issues too. They have for many years. In this first chapter, we explore these different conceptualizations of forgiveness, both as a theoretical construct and as an important element of human relationships. We do so with an eye on the larger goal of this book, which is to present forgiveness primarily as a communication phenomenon, a process that gets negotiated by those who have been hurt as well as those who have been responsible for the pain.

In later chapters, we describe the key elements of the forgiveness process (Chapter 2), and present communication theories that help us understand and explain how forgiveness is communicated (Chapter 3). In Chapter 4, we look closely at the communication behaviors partners use for identifying transgressions, managing emotion, making sense of their relational circumstances, seeking and granting forgiveness, and renegotiating the moral standards that define relationships. Chapter 5 helps the reader practice forgiveness more effectively, by drawing from the promising work of therapists and successful experiences shared by participants in our research projects. Finally, Chapter 6 draws heavily on our personal experiences as forgiveness researchers to illustrate the conundrums we faced and the methodological “tradeoffs” we made. This final chapter also shares the personal transformations that arose from this challenging and rewarding work.

WHY IS FORGIVENESS IMPORTANT?

At the time of this writing, the newspaper headlines are shouting horrifying news about a disturbed man who invaded a one-room schoolhouse in rural Pennsylvania, taking hostage a group of schoolgirls. Inexplicably, the gunman methodically shot the young women in cold blood, then killed himself. At Virginia Tech University a disturbed student launched a murderous rampage against professors and fellow students. From a Colorado school comes a similar report: several teenaged girls sexually assaulted and at least one killed by a lone psychopath who also commits suicide. As stories of these chilling accounts fade, puzzling new ones emerge. Amish families in Pennsylvania break the silence of their grieving to make it known that, in keeping with their religious beliefs, they have forgiven the murderer and offered condolences to his family. In Colorado, parents of the slain girl quietly urge their neighbors to forgive and their community to heal. These acts of forgiveness made by families who have been victimized by horrific transgressions prompt wide admiration, but spur public comments by theologians, philosophers, and therapists. Is it appropriate for families to forgive on behalf of the murder victims? Is it good for a society when murder is forgiven? We take up these questions later, but clearly forgiveness is a matter of considerable public concern at this very moment.

Of course, for most of us the topic of forgiveness arises from less troubling circumstances, times when we sorely needed forgiveness because our behavior harmed a valued relationship. Moreover, nearly everyone has struggled to find the right response to the hurtful actions of a friend, coworker, family member, or romantic partner. Should I seek revenge? Hold a grudge? Try to “get over it”? Can I really forgive someone whose behavior caused me such emotional pain?

In the last decade, forgiveness has emerged as a vital topic as scholars and moral leaders have addressed the pain inflicted in human relationships and the means by which it can be healed. South African cleric Desmond Tutu’s book, No Future Without Forgiveness (1999), documented the processes of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa during the mid-1990s. For Tutu, forgiveness was a difficult but essential part of that country’s recovery from the evils perpetrated in the name of racial apartheid. The re-release of Simon Wiesenthal’s book (1969/1997), The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness, has catalyzed dialogue about forgiveness. This small book examines the true story of a Jew incarcerated in a concentration camp during World War II and his encounter with one of his persecutors, a dying Nazi SS man. Wiesenthal asks a variety of world leaders, religious and secular, whether they would have responded with forgiveness had they found themselves in the place of the Jewish Holocaust survivor. In the realm of social science, the recent Handbook of Forgiveness (Worthington, 2005a) presents the work of a growing cadre of forgiveness researchers. Some of their studies were funded by the Templeton Foundation, an influential organization that sees forgiveness as a fruitful intersection for theological and scientific inquiry. Forgiveness has also found its way into popular U.S. culture, as evidenced by recent episodes on the ever-popular Oprah Winfrey Show and a growing number of self-help books on the topic.

Although interest in forgiveness has increased rapidly everywhere, we are most encouraged that academics have begun to think seriously about the topic. The interest stems from the fact that forgiveness is a rich but not well-understood phenomenon, one with the potential to have real effects on the well-being of individuals, relationships, and communities. Worthington’s (2005a) Handbook of Forgiveness signifies that research has expanded enough to warrant publication of a comprehensive synthesis of academic publications. Nevertheless, some scholars approach the topic with strong feelings of skepticism, because the concept strikes them as “fuzzy,” unrealistically optimistic, or better suited to theological rather than scientific methods of study. We welcome these kinds of concerns because they force us to be clear about what forgiveness is, what it is not, and how forgiveness affects our own relationships.

As communication researchers, we emphasize the socially negotiated aspects of forgiveness rather than the psychological or sociological dimensions. One of us defines forgiveness from an understanding of its deep roots in Christian theology. The other takes a more secular and justice-oriented perspective, emphasizing forgiveness as an important component of relational ethics. We both share the desire of scientists to develop a deeper understanding of forgiveness processes and how people can use that knowledge to improve the quality of their relationships. To give the reader a sense of where we are headed in this first chapter, we offer our own definition here. We will address each of its elements after surveying the vast conceptual landscape that surrounds this complex construct.

Forgiveness is a relational process whereby harmful conduct is acknowledged by one or both partners; the harmed partner extends undeserved mercy to the perceived transgressor; one or both partners experience a transformation from negative to positive psychological states, and the meaning of the relationship is renegotiated, with the possibility of reconciliation.

THEOLOGICAL FOUNDATIONS

Forgiveness has long been the subject of discussion by theologians and philosophers. In organizing this brief review, we examine the role of forgiveness in several religious traditions. The relationship between forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation emerges as a primary historical concern. We then examine how some of these concepts have been updated and applied in a variety of contexts ranging from therapy to international diplomacy. In developing a contemporary definition of forgiveness, we look to the recent social science literature, with a particular interest in those studies that contrast definitions offered by scholars with those used by laypersons. Finally, we present our communicative definition, acknowledging its debt to the study of classical rhetoric, with a particular emphasis on the genre known as apologia.

Forgiveness is studied from both secular and spiritual perspectives, but its growing interest to scholars and laypersons may stem from its prominent role in familiar religious traditions. The complex and sometimes disturbing questions raised by modern relationships have encouraged some scholars to blend science and faith as they search for answers. Helmick (2001) is typical of those who are frustrated with the “intellectual mainstream,” explaining:

The devastating cruelty and violence of the twentieth century have finally taught the intellectual mainstream, so long alienated from religion, that the three holy icons of The Modern Age—science, rational enlightenment and liberal politics—have not in fact answered all the questions. (p. 84)

Postmodernists “now look to the wisdom traditions, including often the whole spectrum of traditional faiths, to supply what modernism has failed to provide” (Helmick, 2001, p. 84).

The notion of forgiveness surfaces in certain early Hindu texts (Rye et al., 2000). However, early Jewish and Christian writings place a more fully developed conceptual understanding of forgiveness between God and humankind. The sacred scriptures of each of these religions emphasize the centrality of forgiveness as a means of reconciliation between God and humankind. Kirkup (1993) argues:

The root is the figure of Abraham, the founder of the three main western religions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. It was Abraham’s departure from Mesopotamia, both literally and figuratively, that provided the foundation to these religions. This foundation involves three main concepts: (1) Creation is good. (2) God is merciful. (3) We, created in God’s likeness, have a duty to imitate God and be merciful towards each other. (p. 83)

The Hebrew scriptures describe a sacrificial system whereby the high priest intercedes for the people and gains God’s forgiveness. Through various sacrificial rites, the demands of justice are met (sin is paid for) and forgiveness is given (Israel’s relationship to God is restored). Many contemporary Jews still celebrate Yom Kippur to commemorate God’s forgiveness.

Early Christians, who were mostly Jewish, believed the crucifixion (sacrifice) of Christ was, once and for all, the act of justice that was needed to restore the relationship between God and humankind. In the Christian New Testament, Jesus emphasized the importance of God-human forgiveness, but he also linked the idea of God’s forgiveness to the importance of human beings forgiving one another. Jesus taught his disciples to ask God to “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). Perhaps the most magnanimous example of forgiveness comes from Jesus when he prayed for his persecutors while being crucified, saying, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

Islamic perspectives also view God as merciful. Islamic scripture expands on the contexts in which forgiveness is useful by showing the forgiving Muhammad to be a leader of the State (Rye et al., 2000). In Buddhist and Hindu writings, karma is a central tenet. These religions encourage forgiveness-like behavior because justice is maintained through karma. Knowing that justice is taken care of, for example, allows Buddhists to emphasize the practice of “forbearance” and “pity” (compassion) as a means of keeping others from suffering (Rye et al., 2000).

Repentance and Reconciliation

The connection between forgiveness and reconciliation is an important theme in traditional Christian and Jewish writings. Repentance is instrumental in the process of forgiveness. For example, Jesus makes the statement in Luke 17 (New International Version), “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” Jewish rabbis have gone to great lengths to specify the importance of repentance in the forgiveness process. Heschel (1996) states, “In Judaism … forgiveness requires both atonement and restitution” (p. 172). Atonement makes amends for the wrong done and restitution restores the damaged relationship to its original state.

According to Dorff (1998), the process of teshuva is “a full-blown return to the right path and to good standing with the community and, indeed, with God” (p. 38). It is not completely clear from rabbinic writings how teshuva is enacted; however, Dorff suggests an eight-step process based on work by the philosopher-rabbi Maimonides (1140–1204). Dorff notes the process varies with the type of offense. To begin, there must be acknowledgement that one has done something wrong. This could involve public confession and expressions of remorse as well as a commitment not to sin this way again. These are followed by an offer of compensation to the offended party and a request for forgiveness. Finally, the offender resolves to avoid the conditions that led to the offense and to act differently. Significant...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Dedication
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• Preface
• Chapter 1: Conceptual Foundations
• Chapter 2: Elements of the Forgiveness Process
• Chapter 3: Theorizing Forgiveness
• Chapter 4: Communicating Forgiveness
• Chapter 5: Practicing Forgiveness
• Chapter 6: Studying Forgiveness: Methodological Conundrums and Transformational Experiences
• Appendix A: Interview Questions/Instructions for Long-Term Married Couples Study
• Appendix B: Instructions for Three Types of Forgiveness Narratives
• Appendix C: Abbreviated Survey Questions and Selected Instructions
• References
• Index
• About the Authors