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PART 1
Eight Steps to Writing a Healing Memoir
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STEP 1
Understanding Your Reasons for Writing
Even before birth, weāre a part of other peopleās stories. Itās said that we enter the world in the middle of our familyās story and become one of the main characters in its drama, immediately woven into the tapestry of family, friends, and community. On our path through life, as in a fairy tale, we encounter wizards, witches, dark forests, and good fairies; we experience joys and challenges, heartaches and hope. Through struggles, failures, and successes, we discover the unique story that is ours alone. We find out who we are and where we are going.
As you muse about writing your stories, you may feel some shyness about putting everything down in black and white, but itās enlightening to encounter the many layers of yourself and your memories, moments that have been captured in a snapshot in your mind, shifting images of perception and consciousness. Writing a memoir is like taking a journey without an exact itinerary. We launch ourselves away from all we know, stopping at stations along the way, only to hop on another train going somewhere we hadnāt planned. As long as weāre courageous and take note of our travels, weāll benefit and learn from all the new places we visit.
Writing a memoir is an adventure into the unknown and, at the same time, like visiting the comforting old movies of the past that flicker in the parlor, where tea, a fire, and the smiles of our ancestors greet us. Tune in to the whispers of knowledge that are within you, and get ready to write.
Why Write a Memoir
A woman sits across the table from me, her eyes shining. āI have this great story about my mother . . . ā she begins. We talk about her idea, and soon it becomes clear that she has a story she wants to tell, filled with the dramas of alcoholism, abuse, absent father, and siblings that need looking after.
āWhy are you wanting to write this story?ā I ask her.
āBecause it was such a hard life, and I overcame all these challenges. I think it will help others.ā She blinks away tears.
āHow much have you written?ā I ask.
āI donāt know where to start. In fact, I know the family would be upset if I wrote it. My sister told me sheād never speak to me again, and I feel disloyal to my mother.ā She leans in and whispers, āBut isnāt it my story?ā Her voice has the timbre of strength in it now.
āYes, itās your story, and youāre the only one who can tell it your way. Just begin with some memories in a list, or write down a few small stories you remember.ā
Her face is pale now, and she turns away. āOh, I donāt know. Maybe itās just for me. Iām so confused about things that happened, and when I write I hear their critical voices, and I feel so ashamed. Maybe I should just forget it.ā Sheās looking more crumpled again, and I know that we have some more talking to do.
This scenario is a common one with memoir writersāthe struggle between the desire to write and all the issues, conflicts, and worries that come up at the very beginning. When the energy of excitement collides with the sheer wall of fear, guilt, or shame, itās nearly impossible to find the creative flow necessary to write. In future chapters we will examine these concerns carefully and suggest solutions.
The energy of wanting to write will drive you through all the barriers, so itās important to hold on to the feeling in your belly that takes over when you think about writing your story, that sense of purpose and inspiration. Itās your best friend. And letās look at some of the motivations that drive people to write their memoirs, and how the reasons to write might be part of a healing process. Healing might mean release of old grudges, letting go of hurt feelings, or a sense of freedom and restoration in the body.
Understanding Your Motivation
Hereās a list of some of the major reasons why people are motivated to write about their lives.
1. To gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your life
2. To heal the past and create hope for the future
3. To create a legacy for your family
4. To expose injustice or abuse
5. To settle emotional scoresāfrom anger and revenge to acceptance and forgiveness
6. To present a point of view about a controversial issue
7. To share with the world your unique experiences with travel, education, illness and recovery, family, or a spiritual quest
You may identify with some or all of the reasons on this list, so letās take a closer look at possible reasons to write your memoir, and see how they might apply to you.
To Gain a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Your Life
Writing helps us sort through our memories and experiences, and brings structure to the chaos of our memories. Some memoir writers feel the need to sort out conflicting family histories and put their memories in some kind of order. By telling your story, you deepen your understanding of your family and develop insight into the history and meaning of your life. If other family members wish to disagree, they are free to write their own version of the same events! Later in the book, weāll see how current brain research shows that writing changes the brain and creates new neural pathways that help us heal and find new ways to live our lives. Research has also shown that writing integrates different sides of the brain and helps to contain the chaotic and random nature of memory.
To Heal the Past and Create Hope for the Future
Research by Dr. James Pennebaker and other scientists has proved that writing helps to heal both body and mind, integrating different parts of the brain to heal the effects of trauma. In Step Eight, we will examine these studies in detail. Writing a narrative as a healing practice is now a part of training programs for writers and therapists at the masterās degree level, and many therapists recognize writing as a necessary tool in helping to create a new perspective about the past. Writing a story helps to expose the unconscious patterns that keep the client stuck, and offers new inroads into creating a different story for the client to embrace.
To Create a Legacy for Your Family
The story of your unique and special life can be a gift to family members, particularly those not yet born. Think about the many changes that have occurred during your lifetime, all the things you have learned, and the history that is a part of you. Each phase of your life contains a slice of the larger history of the world. You have been part of this vibrant history in some way, as an observer or a participant. Think about the kinds of things your children or grandchildren will never knowāhow you ran free all day without being nagged to beware of strangers; the way your grandmother made bread or filled the house with song; how you learned to ride a horse; or that you attended political demonstrations.
There are many important events, ideas, and feelings you can pass along from your life to educate and inspire friends and family. These events might include births and deaths, moments of insight and learning, or the ways people lived when you were young. It is up to you whether you include the ādarkerā or potentially embarrassing parts of your life if you are creating your memoir as a legacy. It depends on what kind of book you want to write, the goals you have, and your audience. Whatever you choose to include, writing your memoir for your descendants can be an act of generosity and love.
To Expose Injustice and Abuse
As a psychotherapist, I encounter many people who are interested in writing about the abuse or injustices theyāve encountered in their life. Often this writing is for the private purpose of healing themselves, but some people are also passionate about exposing issues to help create change, either now or in the future.
Writing a memoir about abuse in the family might protect other family members from the same fate; describing your experience in an orphanage or foster care might promote more awareness of the challenges other children and adults face, and ways to make things better. When we have lived in extraordinary times and experienced unusual things, we are living witnesses to that history. Holocaust survivors, for instance, can bear witness to stories that otherwise might never be believed. The extensive detail and personal involvement in the survival of horrifying conditions inspired the world to take note. These survivor memoirists created personal history documents and an awareness of the cruelty and bravery of those times, searing the memory of the Holocaust into written history so that it can never be forgotten.
To Settle Emotional Scores
For some writers, the degree of abuse or instability in their childhoods is so overwhelming and emotionally stinging even after many years, the first reason to write a memoir is to expose the guilty and to set the record straight. They imagine seeing the expression on family membersā faces as āthe truthā is revealed. They arenāt worried about the family reaction, and donāt feel guilty or disloyal. Instead, they write in a white heat, fueled by anger and righteous indignation.
In other cases, a spouse may want to get the last word on an ex-husband or wife, so the world will know that they are right and their former partner is forever wrong.
When the book is done, the editing begins. For some writers the layers of editing and rewriting serve to slow down the machinery of revenge, but for others, it remains as strong. I know of an author who didnāt tell her family members her memoir was going to be published by a big publishing house, thinking they would not find out, but a neighbor showed up at the door with the book in her hand. The authorās family was devastated to see themselves publicly portrayed in a vicious and violent way with no chance to present their own point of view or defend themselves. Perhaps the author was able to resolve her family issues at that point; I donāt know. But damage was done. My belief is that the memoirist can write the truth in a balanced way and inform family members so that the memoir is not used as a weapon. Just as easily, it can be a means for healing.
We will discuss in future chapters how you might begin your memoir with anger, and then find your way to other emotional resolutions. There is no one right way to write the memoir, nor a single correct goal. Your words may be more powerful than you know, so itās important to use them carefully.
To Present a Point of View About Controversial Issues
Did you march on Washington, fight in Vietnam, or assist a famous politician? Perhaps you traveled to Africa or grew up in an orphanage, worked in the slums of Calcutta, or spent twenty years as a nun. You might have lived in the closet and been ashamed to be gay or lesbian, and finally now you want to tell the story of how you came out and found your identity. Writing about your experiences can help you to investigate more fully the nature of what happened and simultaneously inform others of events and circumstances that will educate the audience and enlarge their world. Your personal history statements of how you lived in your own skin are powerful, even if they are challenging for you to write about. However, if you are motivated to share your story, it can be a guiding light to inspire others who are struggling with similar issues in their lives.
To Share Your Recovery from Illness or Addiction, or Write About a Spiritual Transformation
When you have gone through something as challenging as recovery from an illness or an addiction, you might have learned many lessons along the way that can help others. Your story can be a cautionary taleāādonāt do as I didāāor an instructive manual about how to go through the steps from being lost to finding yourself, from despair to hope and healing, and establishing a new life.
You might view this recovery process as a spiritual quest, or you may have another spiritual journey that you want to shareāyour experiences with religion, miracles, gurus, and teachers. Writing stories of recovery is a way to sort out the complexities of a process that you might not have understoo...
