The Secrets of Happily Married Men

Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever

Scott Haltzman, Theresa Foy DiGeronimo

• Publisher: Jossey-Bass
• Year: 2010
• Print ISBN: 9780787994143, 9780787979591
• eBook ISBN: 9780470893982
• Edition: 1

Praise for The Secrets of Happily Married Men

"Manly men rest assured: You can hope to become a better husband without having to get in touch with your feminine side.... Lively and entertaining, this broad guidebook provides Haltzman's insights illuminated by anecdotes from his online discussion forum for married men."
— Psychology Today

"Haltzman... launches his eight strategies with remarkable vigor. More important, they are extraordinarily well fleshed out and convincingly supported with useful 'to do' lists and a multitude of examples. They will no doubt prove helpful to many men struggling to build a happy marriage."
— Publisher's Weekly

"Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and Brown University professor, has been studying marriages good and bad for a long time.... View marriage as your most important task, Haltzman urges men, and pursue success as you would anything else that matters."
— Washington Post

"Men are good at fixing problems, not talking about them, so Haltzman advises playing to your strength. The genius of this book is that it... asks politically incorrect questions about men and women at home—the neglected front in the gender wars."
— New York Times

"The insights in this book reveal a new and effective way for men and women to understand and appreciate each other. It shows what it really takes to create a loving and lasting relationship."
—John Gray, author, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Marriage and relationships are in crisis. The breakup and divorce rate remain incredibly high, despite all the couples therapy, afternoon talk shows, and other books in the marketplace, many of which describe men as abusive commitment phobic creeps who'd better change fast or else. But this new book is totally different, a whole different way of looking at how to build a successful long-lasting relationship from a man's point of view, men who are happy in their partnerships, who have figured out what works for them in accomplishing the goal of a loving, intimate, lifetime commitment. Dr. Scott Haltzman, Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at Brown University, and founder of www.secretsofmarriedmen.com, has devised a proven method for improving relationships, based on a man's special and unique skills, strengths, powers—as a responsible and motivated worker, manager, leader, problem-solver, partner, husband, and father. Men are different, Dr. Haltzman says. They don't approach relationships with the same skills and techniques that women do—and viva la difference. Dr.Haltzman therefore lays out eight ways, tasks, proven techniques which men have revealed in confidential correspondence to his highly successful website, including The First Way: Make Your Marriage Your Job, The Second Way: Know Your Wife, The Third Way: Be Home Now, The Fourth Way: Expect Conflict and Deal With It, The Fifth Way: Learn to Listen, The Sixth Way: Aim to Please, The Seventh Way: Understand the Truth About Sex, The Eighth Way: Introduce Yourself, and finally, Celebrate Your Love. Within each of these steps, he provides both specific analysis, guidelines and techniques based on male biology, neuro-science, brain differences, unique developmental stages from youth to seniority. To illustrate these ideas in action, he's included wonderful true stories, anecdotes, and confessions from the website. The result is a practical, very entertaining, totally original way to build successful relationships for men and their partners, girlfriends, and wives. For a lasting commitment, a continuing guide to solving inevitable problems and bumps in the road, for more fun, better sex, genuine intimacy, and a life-long partnership—this dynamic new author shows t

1

You’ve Got Male

I jumped into the cab, hoping to catch a quick ride from one side of Rhode Island to the other. During the thirty-minute trip, I fell into an easy conversation with the cabbie and soon learned that he was typical of so many men I know—great at managing and negotiating the complexities of life in general, but insecure and frustrated in his marriage.

At first he told me, with great pride, about his car. He planned to replace the horns because of water buildup. He talked about needing to get the transmission rebuilt and how he was able to strike a good deal. Did you know he paid $1,500 for the job on a Buick that had almost 300,000 thousand miles on it?!

Soon, the banter shifted to family (probably because I can’t help asking people, “So, are you married?”). My cab driver told me that he had two sons and that he had been married for twenty years. Losing the bravado of our earlier conversation, he quietly admitted that he’d been separated from his wife for the last two years.

“My wife and I just can’t agree on the right way to raise the kids,” he said with a sigh that gave away his frustration and resignation. “I didn’t want to separate, because I think it’s the coward’s way out,” he was quick to add. “But I just couldn’t figure out how to make things better.”

Usually, as a psychiatrist, I’m the one with the meter running. But during this impromptu session, I was paying for his time, and before we arrived on the other side of Rhode Island, I had something important to say to this man. Here’s the short version:

You’re a creative man who has a marvelous knack for fixing things. If something’s not working in your car, you figure out a way to fix it. If you can’t, you find someone who can. You’ve stuck with your car when most owners would have sent it to the trash heap. You have a real sense of commitment and a knack for getting things to work. What makes you think you can’t use those same wonderful qualities to save your marriage?

When my trip was over ($60!) and my little speech done, my driver look startled, but also relieved, as he said, “No one’s ever told me that before, Doc. Thanks.”

For a long while, I thought about this conversation and about many similar discussions I’ve had with my patients and colleagues. It’s obvious to anyone who studies male behavior that men demonstrate extraordinary skill in sales, mechanics, politics, medicine, finance, construction, and many other areas. So why is it, I have to wonder, that when it comes to problems in relationships, men resign themselves to their fate, act helpless, and give up? After long thought and study, I think I know.

For too long, men have been told that they are relationship-incompetent. Maybe that’s what you’ve heard, and maybe that’s what you believe. I’m telling you now, loud and clear, it’s not true. You are competent. I’ve got a little more time with you than I did with my driver, so let’s talk about you for a while.

It’s a sure bet that if I were to ask her, your wife would say that you do not contribute as much as she does to the success of your marriage. Find two women talking to each other, and you’re likely to hear them joke about how their guys are so useless. You know it’s true. Most women are quite vocal about the “fact” that men do not uphold their end of the matrimonial bargain because they simply do not meet the women’s standards.

Just one question: Who determined what these standards should be? I have a strong feeling that the finger of blame for unhappy and crumbling marriages most often points to the male because of unrealistic and unattainable expectations. I’m the first to admit that men bear at least an equal share in the blame department, and I’ve got some ideas about how we men can better contribute to the job of building strong relationships. But first we have to get past the idea that to have a good marriage, men have to be something they are not. Yes, you can have a happy marriage and still be a man.

SecretsofMarriedMen.com

I think men and women truly see different things in the same experiences. And the more intimate we are, the more important those different ways of interacting become. Unfortunately, I’ve found that the differences in perception cause the interactions to go so badly so much of the time.

—Ned, age 45, married 11 years

THE MEDIA MAN

Where does the image of a “typical” man come from? Turn on your TV and there he is. On any night of the week, on any channel, you’ll see sitcom husbands who are clueless when it comes to marriage. Generally they are out of shape and uncouth, and can’t match a shirt to a tie, but, hey, they have gorgeous wives! These television caricatures get their comeuppance every episode because they are men—inflexible, selfish, shortsighted, overbearing men who have to be humbled before they can behave appropriately. Most sitcom wives have little role beyond providing a means of measuring a man’s gender-determined marital inadequacies.

It is fashionable in today’s culture to poke fun at the hapless man who is more enamored of his remote control than his spouse. Homer Simpson, Ray Romano, Jim Belushi, and a host of other sitcom husbands and fathers are consistently redeemed by their more clever and sensitive wives, thus keeping the marriage on track. Even a blowhard tyrant like Ralph Kramden can be easily tamed by Alice, a woman who knows the exact moment to give him his just deserts and still earn the heartfelt declaration that she is the greatest. The message is clear: Ralph never contributes to the good of the relationship on his own because he so totally lacks Alice’s relationship skills.

Hollywood movies are equally unrealistic, but from the other extreme viewpoint. They mold their leading men to get the girl by being sensitive, intuitive, romantic, and well . . . more like a woman than a man. (This image was not found in most movies of the mid-twentieth century, when the likes of John Wayne and Clark Gable were allowed to be manly men.)

Now, I happen to like Tom Hanks as an actor and humanitarian. But when I think about the character he plays opposite Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail, I’m reminded of the typically skewed image of men and the feminine ideal of marriage that our society embraces. Hanks plays an arrogant businessman whose bookstore chain threatens to put Ryan’s quaint shop out of business. Unknown to either, they are already anonymous email pen pals. He is unbearably pompous and obnoxious, until love turns him into a sensitive, attentive, and selfless gentleman—in short, the perfect catch. This film, like many in the chick-flick genre, projects a classic example of how Hollywood perpetuates a standard for men’s behavior in a relationship that is drawn wholly from the woman’s point of view.

When couples have finished watching that movie, you can almost see the mental bubble captions over their heads. Hers reads, “God, I loved that movie and the way falling in love made Tom Hanks’s character become so much more ‘human.’” His says, “Hmm. If we hurry, I can catch the fourth quarter of the Knicks-Celtics game.”

But somewhere also resonating in the guy’s mind is the message, “Gee, if I were just more like Tom Hanks, I would have a happier marriage.” But we men aren’t all like Tom Hanks. It’s a ridiculous standard. I’ll bet even Tom Hanks isn’t like Tom Hanks.

SecretsofMarriedMen.com

Men and women do not communicate on the same level. There have been so many times in the past five years that I have tried to talk about important things when my husband is sitting quietly thinking, or drinking coffee, or anything. I get no response. That makes me think he’s ignoring me and that I am just talking to a brick wall. I have learned, though, that our brains do not work the same. Our makeups are so different. That’s why patience is such an important key in marriage.

—Natalie, age 23, married 5 years

NO WONDER WE FAIL

When we examine Hollywood’s portrayal of romance, whose reality are we talking about? Tinsel Town and the media in general convey feminine standards of romance that are tailor-made and marketed to the sensitivities and expectations of women. In other words, they perpetuate expectations that are nearly impossible for men to meet. No wonder we fail.

And when we do, where does the finger of blame point? Common wisdom says that when couples fall apart, men are to blame, as author Jack Kammer confirmed in a survey of his university students. When the class was confronted with the statistic that 75 percent of women precipitate divorce, his students concluded that the man must be at fault. When given the opposite (false) statistic that 75 percent of divorces are precipitated by men, the class still voted that it must be the man’s fault.¹

Obviously, we can’t win. When emotions are involved, males rarely get the benefit of the doubt—even as young kids. A classic study tried an interesting experiment to note the way babies were viewed by adults based on their gender alone. In this study, parents watched a videotape of a nine-month-old child reacting to a startling jack-in-the-box. Some were told they were watching “Dana,” whereas others were told they were watching “David,” although it was the same baby in both cases. The majority interpreted the baby’s startled reaction to the jack-in-the-box as “anger” when they thought the child was a boy, and as “fear” when they thought it was a girl. Even when it comes to babies of nine months, people assume that females need to be protected and nurtured and males need to be tamed and lassoed in.²

With so much going against us, it’s easy to react the way my taxi driver did: throw our hands in the air and say, “Fine, you win. I just can’t be the kind of husband you want.” But wait. Maybe if we stop trying to meet impossible expectations, we’d be better able to be true to ourselves and still be good husbands.

SecretsofMarriedMen.com

Wives shouldn’t expect lots of emotive displays from their husbands. Testosterone gets in the way of how a man feels. Unless it’s a feeling of aggression (which men can, and do, feel), men usually don’t want to talk about feelings even if the marriage is good, alive and thoughtful. That’s just the way they’re made.

—Christine, married 28 years

MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT

In the 1960s and 1970s, the woman’s liberation movement in America opened our eyes to the cultural biases against women. No longer would females be content to be nothing more than adoring eye candy at the side of their husbands. The message was trumpeted throughout the land: men and women are equal.

Although the lasting positive gains of this movement are undeniable in the workplace, in civil rights, in the courts, and in our homes, militant feminists were, and still are, working from a false platform. Women should certainly be considered equals to men, but women are not the same as men. There are biological differences in our mental and physical makeup that cannot be denied or ignored in our quest to understand each other.

To make your marriage great without giving up who you are, it’s important to recognize that some of your so-called failings as a husband are very often not failings at all, but simply the result of the fact that you and your wife do not think and feel the same way.

To dissect the ways in which males and females are biologically different, we’ll start with the seat of personality, the brain. The brain comprises two sides, the left and right hemispheres. Most folks, even left-handers, are left-brain dominant. The left brain is associated with linear and sequential thought; it’s the part of the brain that puts things together piece by piece by piece. The left brain is also the part of the brain that controls the comprehension and expression of speech. When a person dissects speech word for word to determine its meaning, he uses his left brain.

In contrast, the right brain is more intuitive and holistic. It ignores the parts and sees the whole. When you solve problems through hunches or impulse, you are using your right brain. It’s also the side of the brain that houses such skills as reading maps and reading expressions.

All brains contain both hemispheres and the connecting fibers between them. But not all brains are alike in all ways; otherwise we’d all think and act like one another. Recent scientific studies have shown not only that brains differ from one individual to another but also that there are profound differences in the development of the male and female brain.

Here are some of the most interesting findings:

• Before a child is even born, there are noticeable brain differences between the sexes. At six weeks in utero, the male brain gets a large dose of the male hormone testosterone, which changes the brain permanently and determines sexual identity.

• Some scientists believe that our early understanding of male and female gender roles is inborn, caused by the fact that in the womb males are exposed to higher levels of androgens, and females to higher levels of estrogens. The belief that this influences gender roles is based on research done with opposite-sex twins who naturally share both the androgen and estrogen hormones. In these cases, the male tends to have more feminine attributes (lower levels of activity, loudness, confidence, intensity, and selfishness) than his male peers, and the female twin exhibits more masculine attributes (better spatial and mathematical abilities and increased dominance and sensation-seeking behavior) than her female peers. Researchers believe that these results are caused by the transfer of androge...

Table of contents

• Praise
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Chapter 1 - You’ve Got Male
• Chapter 2 - Beware of Marriage Counseling
• Chapter 3 - The First Way Make Your Marriage Your Job
• Chapter 4 - The Second Way Know Your Wife
• Chapter 5 - The Third Way Be Home Now
• Chapter 6 - The Fourth Way Expect Conflict and Deal with It
• Chapter 7 - The Fifth Way Learn to Listen
• Chapter 8 - The Sixth Way Aim to Please
• Chapter 9 - The Seventh Way Understand the Truth About Sex
• Chapter 10 - The Eighth Way Introduce Yourself
• Epilogue
• Notes
• About the Authors