Part I
Understanding Self-Esteem
In this part . . .
You get a clear understanding of the nature of healthy self-esteem and how it differs from low self-esteem. We help you identify thoughts and ideas that can perpetuate feelings of low self-esteem and point you towards healthier ways of thinking about your self-worth. We also discuss some of the more common psychological problems associated with poor self-esteem and suggest strategies for tackling them.
Chapter 1
Explaining Self-Esteem
In This Chapter
Understanding the components of healthy self-esteem Accepting yourself and others Trusting your own judgement Many people know that the opinion they have of themselves can be better. In our clinical practice, we see all sorts of different people from all walks of life battling with self-esteem issues. Difficulty appreciating personal worth is such a core issue that it can be said to apply legitimately to every single human being on the planet in one way or another and at one time or another. In fact, low self-esteem is such a commonly reported problem that we’ve written a whole book about defining healthy self-esteem and telling you how to get it.
Pause for a moment and think about your own definition of ‘self-esteem’. Maybe you think that having good self-esteem means being ever confident and happy. Or perhaps you link healthy self-esteem with success, wealth, achievement, attractiveness and popularity. If so, you aren’t alone. These qualities have an undeniable ‘feel good’ factor but they don’t necessarily guarantee healthy self-esteem.
Assuming that self-esteem is determined by external factors is a very common misconception. In this chapter (and to a greater extent in Chapter 2) we help you understand that true self-esteem is based on much more than confidence or success.
Even the person who seems to have everything can be suffering with low self-esteem. Equally, a person with little wealth or obvious success can have very healthy self-esteem. Defining Healthy Self-Esteem
Healthy self-esteem is having an enduring sense of yourself as a fundamentally valuable and worthwhile individual. This view translates into treating yourself with compassion and appreciation and not relying on outside opinions to think well of yourself.
We use the term healthy self-esteem instead of high self-esteem because we want you to think of your worth as a constant, rather than as something that goes up and down depending on circumstance. Some examples of what we mean by enduring healthy self-esteem:
Accepting yourself even when you’re faced with failure. Liking who you are while simultaneously striving for personal development (have a gander at Chapters 8 and 14 for more details). Thinking that you’re worthwhile and lovable even when a long-term relationship ends. A lot of people also make the faulty assumption that having good self-esteem makes them impervious to a crisis of confidence or unpleasant feelings. Even if your self-esteem is very robust, you still experience times when your confidence wobbles in your ability to do certain things. Plus, you still experience negative emotions when bad things happen, no matter how healthy your self-esteem happens to be.
Considering common foundations for self-esteem
Very often people assume that their worth is based purely on what they can achieve or what the rest of the world approves of and is impressed by. However, important factors such as your personal values, character traits and unique personality are more accurate and healthy measures.
You may also believe that your level of self-esteem is determined entirely by the quality of your childhood relationships with your parents. Although this idea certainly contains some truth, it’s not the whole story. Many different types of experiences contribute to your understanding of yourself. Even individuals who have had very negative childhood experiences often manage to develop a robust sense of their own worth. So you’re not strictly at the mercy of your past (Chapter 10 is all about this topic).
Rejecting futile strategies for improvement
You may have tried many different strategies to elevate your self-esteem with limited or short-lived success. Common but often problematic strategies people use to try and raise their self-esteem include:
Driving themselves to improve their status... 
