Toxic People

Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons Or Duct Tape

Marsha Petrie Sue

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2010
• Print ISBN:
  9780470147689
• Edition: 1
• eBook ISBN:
  9781118045183
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business General
• Index: Business

Praise For Toxic People

"From corporate America to the smallest business owner, this book should be mandatory reading because it provides toxic relief that will put money in your pocket and calm in your personality. A dose of this reading would enhance the success of business school students and smooth out a few bumps in a rocky marriage."
—Richard L. Labrum, Vice President, Wealth Management, Smith Barney

"If you're just sick to death of those people who zap the energy right out of you, Marsha has the cure! In no-nonsense terms, she gives us the prescription for dealing with toxic people. She mixes in the right dosage of personal experience, humor, and practical advice to create a compelling message that is highly relevant in our personal and professional lives. I highly recommend this book to everyone interested in cleaning up toxic behaviors!"
—John Ryan, Vice President, American Express

"Marsha Petrie Sue is the Muhammad Ali of communicators. She can dance and look pretty, and she uses the entire ring, but she knows how and when to land a knockout punch. If you have bad relationships, you'll learn why. This is charm school with live ammunition!"
—David Rawles, founder and President, Career Solutions, Inc.

"Marsha Petrie Sue's 'take the bull by the horns' approach to self-realization and, if so chosen, self-improvement, is the antidote to today's wimpy leadership malaise. She takes readers by their collars, looks them straight in the eyes, and tells them in no uncertain terms that their key to both personal and professional happiness is attainable only through critical self-evaluation and the will to transcend their current situations."
—Randy O'Neill, Senior Vice President, Lancer Insurance Company

"She has done it again! She gives us permission to 'sack the toxic people' who suck out our energy. Take Marsha's ticket to freedom: give yourself permission to send the toxic people on their not-so-merry way!"
—Dr. Geoff Haw, Consultant, Sagacity Services, Australia

"Marsha always finds a way to deliver the most difficult messages in a humorous way (this book is one example). You will be able to apply this book in everyday life and anywhere you encounter people!"
—Tina Aguirre, Senior IT Manager, oil and energy company

CHAPTER 1

A Hair in Your Biscuit

There have been people put on this earth to push your buttons, tick you off, and suck the life out of you. You know who they are. If you are tired of being contaminated by these Toxic People, read on.

I was a sales manager for a Fortune 100 company and had just made the decision to reinvent myself. Watching successful people and how they build relationships seemed to be the ticket, and I had just heard the statement “Treat people as you want to be treated.” Monday morning I entered the building smiling and immediately ran into my boss, who said (her actual words, so don’t blame me!) “What are you so f____ing happy about? You usually look like you found a hair in your biscuit or that somebody peed in your coffee.”

Lovely. I immediately knew I was on the right track, because it really was a pain to work for her. The happier I got, the crappier she got. Perfect. My emphasis on being positive got me promoted within a short time, and her attitude led to an eventual ride on the proverbial broomstick into the sunset.

You have several choices when thinking about coping strategies. These include hating the Toxic People, quitting your job, or just plain copping out. In messy interactions, you unwittingly promote the behavior you don’t want mainly because the mind is lazy and you want an easy fix. There is no easy way to cope, however, so you need to consider dumping your current behaviors and learning new approaches. You need to move from emotional reaction to effective action. This means old skills must be tossed and new ones learned and practiced. Translation: no more excuses!

Have you ever said:

“I’m so mad I can’t see straight.”

“They make me so angry!”

“Who do they think they are?”

“They just don’t know who they are messing with!”

“They really tick me off! I’ll get them!!”

These words are an admission that the other person is controlling you. Is that what you really want? If your answer to this question is “Sure” or “Sometimes,” stop reading, and give this book to someone who does want to change. And believe me, some people just give anger management lip service. They really don’t want the situation to change.

Here is the hard reality. If you have bad relationships, it’s your fault. If you have poor outcomes, you created them. You must take personal responsibility for every choice and outcome in your life.

PLEDGE

I, ___________________ [your name], promise that I will identify toxic behavior, use new skills in my approach, and never use excuses again. I have the strength and fortitude to continue to practice, even after I have failed. I am never the Toxic Person. I pledge to stay calm and keep my temper. I promise never to take a Toxic Person’s behavior personally or to seek retribution. I know how to keep my power by maintaining control. I create my own environment that nurtures my success. I am the master of my future, my stress level, and my own behavior.

If you would like the pledge e-mailed to you, please send your message to [email protected]. It would make a great screen saver!

Try a Little TLC—Take It, Leave It, or Change It

You always have choices when deciding what to do in a toxic situation. When you are stuck in a rut and feel you have nowhere to turn, stop and question yourself. “Do I choose to take it, leave it, or change it? What’s my plan?”

When you feel buried and overwhelmed, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and say, “Okay, I have three choices. I can take it, leave it, or change it. What’s my plan?” Stop using victim talk such as, “I can’t,” “I won’t be able to,” or “It will never work.” You’ve used this strategy in the past and developed it into a habit. Here is the TLC (Take it. Leave it. Change it.) for making better choices:

1. Take it. When you accept events as they are in the moment, you send a message to yourself that it is okay for right now—maybe not perfect, but livable. The situation is not creating tremendous stress or discomfort. You know this state is temporary. With focus, goals, and planning, the future will be different. Let’s face it, though; sometimes the situation isn’t temporary, and it is not moderate, but you decide to take it, take it, and take it until you hate everyone at work, including yourself. Learn when it’s time to let go. Get a grip and have a plan.

2. Leave it. The most difficult decision you face is when you reject the situation and are forced to step out of your comfort zone. This can appear as a great and overwhelming risk. This is when you say, “I’m not going to accept it the way it is, and I know I can’t change it, so I’m leaving.” Have you left a job or relationship because you couldn’t take it any longer? This was your choice to leave. You read and hear story after story of people being forced to move on to a new job, a new location, or a new company and actually coming out ahead. A good example would be losing a client, only to have an even better new customer appear. No risk, no reward.

3. Change it. Making a change may appear to be difficult and even overwhelming because it takes you to a place you’ve never been. However, managing the unknown can be as easy as changing your perspective, your opinion, or your attitude. Other times you have to negotiate and dig to get what you want. Deciding to change means tackling what is going on right now for the sake of building something better later. It takes work to identify what you need. It takes courage to ask for what you want. Remember, if you can’t accept it and don’t want to leave it, then working for change is the only remaining option. You always have options. You can choose to change it or choose not to change it. It’s not that you can’t!

Use this TLC approach whether the hair in your biscuit is a person or an annoying situation. When others try to involve you in their problem, create your own environment—and a better outcome—by calmly using the TLC approach.

External Use of TLC

The next time your Toxic Person comes up to you complaining, “You won’t believe what happened,” and then rants on and on about some problem, you respectfully interrupt and say, “You know what I’ve learned? I’ve learned that I always have three choices. I can take it, leave it, or change it.” (Explain each of these choices.) “So what’s your plan?” Notice the use of “I” language rather than “you” language. This demonstrates your personal accountability instead of pointing a finger at the other person, and you become a role model.

The Toxic Person may go on with, “Well, you know I have no control.” Again, you respectfully interrupt and say, with the same graciousness you used before, “You know what I’ve learned? I’ve learned that I have three choices. I can take it, leave it, or change it. So what’s your plan?”

The other person then chimes in with, “Well, it’s a jungle out there.” Again you respond, “You know what I’ve learned? I’ve learned that I have three choices. I can take it, leave it, or change it. So what’s your plan?”

You probably are not going to change anyone, but these Toxic People will leave you alone and go suck the life out of someone else, because you are not buying into their behavior. This technique of making the same statement repeatedly is called the broken record technique. Keep repeating the same thing using the same tone, pleasantries, and focus. If you are a parent, I’ll bet you use it with your children. You will find out that it is effective at work as well!

Dear Marsha,

I heard you on our monthly learning session. I am a consultant with a multilevel marketer (MLM) and am working to be promoted. I listen to positive, self-affirming information every day. Your idea of the TLC approach is brilliant!

Here is my main problem. I talk to one of my down-line people, Marcia, every day. She is the most negative person I know. She constantly complains about how she has too few shows, has exhausted her list of contacts, has too much paperwork, and so on. Everything in her life is a complaint, and of course nothing is ever her fault. She plays the blame game. I loved your advice about TLC and want to use it with her. I am worried about her response. Do you have any advice for me? She really could be a great producer. I try to help her in many ways, and nothing is ever enough. She absolutely does not buy into my way of thinking. You are what you think about.

Thanks for reading my message and for any advice you can give.

Diane

Here is the response from me, the Decontaminator of Toxic People:

Great to hear from you! Why do you worry about her response? Will it make her more negative? When you approach her using the TLC, you are not being emotional, judgmental, or abrasive. You are just giving her your point of view. When you ask her, “So what’s your plan?,” you are putting the ball in her court.

I also think it is really great to ask negative people whether they just want you to listen or they are looking for solutions. If they are just wanting me to listen, I will say something like, “Okay, I have only two minutes” (or whatever time I want to give them), and if they say they need more, I will tell them that I’m trying hard to stay positive. Then I will go into the TLC! Does this help?

Thanks for using “Ask Marsha” from the web site, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Marsha

The TLC approach works with any Toxic Person. It is also important to identify which toxic type you are dealing with and then tailor the approach to what works best with that type! Remember: They can’t get you unless you let them! Learn to identify which toxic type they are, and then you can choose the best approach. In this book, six types of Toxic People are identified, and you will learn how to spot them, manage the situation, and keep yourself sane.

Chapter 3—The Steamroller: bully, aggressor, always right.

Chapter 4—The Zipper Lip: clam, no response.

Chapter 5—The Backstabber: snake in a suit, psychopath.

Chapter 6—The Know-It-All: arrogant expert, always right.

Chapter 7—The Needy Weenie: wimp, worrywart.

Chapter 8—The Whine and Cheeser: chronic complainer, always negative.

You can probably guess the behaviors associated with each of these, and you may even have names you could attach. Understanding the message they send, how you perceive it, and why they choose the behavior is all part of the decontamination process. Each of these Toxic People types will be reviewed in detail.

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

Liars can be the hair in your biscuit. J.J. Newberry was a trained federal agent, skilled in the art of deception detection. So when a witness to a shooting sat in front of him and tried to tell him that when she heard gunshots she didn’t look, she just ran, he could tell she was lying. How did Newberry reach this conclusion? By recognizing telltale signs that a person isn’t being honest, like inconsistencies in a story, behavior that is different from a person’s norm, or too much detail in an explanation. In this case, her described behavior didn’t match what people typically do when a sound startles them. From birth, individuals with normal hearing will react by immediately turning in the direction of the sound.

While using these signs to catch a liar takes extensive training and practice, it’s no longer only for authorities like Newberry. Now you can become good at identifying dishonesty, and it’s not as hard as you might think. Here are 10 tips.

LOOK FOR INCONSISTENCIES

Listen for inconsistencies in what people are saying. This means you have to really hear their message. Newberry was questioning a woman who said she ran and hid after hearing gunshots—without looking—and Newberry saw the inconsistency immediately.

“There was something that just didn’t fit,” says Newberry. “She heard gunshots, but she didn’t look? I knew that was inconsistent with how a person would respond to a situation like that.” So, when she wasn’t paying attention, he banged on the table. She looked right at him. “When a person hears a noise, it’s a natural reaction to look toward it,” Newberry said. “I knew she heard those gunshots, looked in the direction ...

Table of contents

• Praise
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• CHAPTER 1 - A Hair in Your Biscuit
• CHAPTER 2 - Doesn’t Work Well with Others
• CHAPTER 3 - The Steamroller
• CHAPTER 4 - The Zipper Lip
• CHAPTER 5 - The Backstabber
• CHAPTER 6 - The Know-It-All
• CHAPTER 7 - The Needy Weenie
• CHAPTER 8 - The Whine and Cheeser
• CHAPTER 9 - Planning for Toxic Spills
• CHAPTER 10 - Plotting Toxic Cleanup
• CHAPTER 11 - Listen Up!
• CHAPTER 12 - Control the Uncontrollable
• CHAPTER 13 - Toxic Customer Service
• CHAPTER 14 - Mental Looting
• CHAPTER 15 - Toxic Infections
• CHAPTER 16 - Ruffled Feathers
• CHAPTER 17 - On a Personal Note
• CHAPTER 18 - Survivor
• About the Author