Relationships For Dummies

Kate M. Wachs

• Publisher: For Dummies
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9780764553844
• eBook ISBN: 9781118069646
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development

"Follow the advice of the top romance specialist, and you can't go wrong."
—Woman's World

"She's interviewed with Oprah and Phil Donahue, Time, the New York Times, USA Today, the Washington Post, Redbook and Cosmopolitan. Clearly Dr. Kate engages in no false advertising—she's a nationally acclaimed relationship expert."
—Chicago Tribune

Let's face it, making a relationship work takes patience, perseverance, energy, and an unflagging commitment to maintain a happy healthy relationship. And sometimes, it takes a little help from a wise and knowledgeable friend.

Written by celebrated psychologist-matchmaker, Dr. Kate Wachs, Relationships For Dummies is a source of inspiration and ideas on how to find and keep a healthy relationship. Whether you've just started dating or have been together with that special someone for years, Dr. Kate can help you:

• Tell the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship
• Have a more loving, fun-filled relationship
• Enjoy a more vibrant and satisfying sex life
• Work through most relationship problems
• Find the positive and the fun in every relationship stage

Dr. Kate explodes common relationships and compatibility myths that cause people grief, and with the help of insightful quizzes, case studies, and real-life America Online letters Dr. Kate covers all the bases, including:

• Finding that special someone and knowing if it's really Mr. or Ms. Right
• Pacing and nurturing intimacy in the early stages of a relationship
• When, where, how, and with whom to have sex when dating
• Knowing when and if it's time to move in together
• When and if to get married
• Keeping psychological and emotional intimacy alive
• Keeping physical and sexual intimacy alive

From compatibility to communication, commitment to connecting in the bedroom, Relationships For Dummies is your total guide to having the relationships you want and deserve.

Part I

Relationships 101

In this part . . .

**IN a DROPCAP**

You’re probably reading this book because you want to find, make, and keep a good relationship. But before you can do that, it’s essential to organize your thoughts about relationships. You need to understand what a good relationship is and isn’t — and when someone is and isn’t compatible.

So, in this part, I discuss the most important points to remember about romantic relationships. I separate the myths from the realities, showing you why the realities are healthier and more enjoyable than the myths. I explain that relationships actually have stages, and describe how you can use that information to your advantage. I point out qualities you absolutely need to have in a compatible mate, those you can do without, and just how picky you should be. Finally, I review how to find people who fit those qualities — which methods to use, when, and why.

Chapter 1

Is It a Good Relationship . . . Or Not?

In This Chapter

Celebrating a good relationship

Identifying a bad relationship

Recognizing the difference

Sidestepping the “unhealthy hook pattern”

Are you happy with your relationship? Or do you get involved with people time and again, only to figure out later that you’ve once again made a lousy choice? Maybe you don’t even have a relationship right now because of those bad choices — or because it just seems too hard to keep trying. Well, if you’ve had trouble telling the royalty from the toads, you aren’t alone. Separating the substance from the flash can be difficult. And when you can’t do it, the ensuing mess can be very discouraging.

But don’t sweat it. Help is here! In this chapter, I describe how to tell a good relationship from a bad one. I explain why people are often attracted to mates who aren’t good for them, and how to recognize when you’re in that trap — before you spend years making the same mistakes over and over again. If you use this info when choosing a partner, you can maximize your chance of relationship success. And best of all, you’ll never have to tango with a toad again.

When It’s Good . . .

Nothing’s better than a good relationship (although some people might make an argument for chocolate). When you’re in a good relationship, the birds sing and the sun shines — even in the dead of winter. You have love in your heart and a certain bounce in your step. Everything seems more alive and interesting, and you feel hopeful and full of life. Aaah, this is what life is all about.

So what exactly is a good relationship? By my definition, a good relationship has two major components — it’s healthy for you, and it’s fun. The fun part is usually easy to figure out. But what about the healthy? How do you recognize a healthy relationship when you see one? Read on.

Respect and emotional support

In a good relationship, both partners respect, esteem, and approve of one another. They feel like their mate is special — and they act like it. They don’t demand that their partner change to be more like them. Rather, they appreciate one another as individuals and respect each other for their differences. They show their support by acting in an emotionally supportive way.

What does that mean? Well, when you’re emotionally supportive, you say things like, “I hope the meeting goes well for you, Honey,” or, “I’m so happy for you that you got that new job!” or, “Don’t pick on your love handles, Sweetie. I like a man who’s bigger than me — you sexy man of substance, you!”

When you show your emotional support for your partner, he feels encouraged, reassured, and appreciated — and you’ll also feel similarly when he acts emotionally supportive toward you. You each validate the other’s feelings, and that feels grreaaaatt! For more on how to word sentences to express your support, see Chapters 12 and 13.

You can support your partner and his or her right to feel a certain way, even if you wouldn’t feel that way in the same situation. Just like respect, when you’re emotionally supportive to your partner, you allow him or her to be separate and distinct, yet very valued and special.

Honesty, loyalty, intimacy, trust, and friendship

Question: “How can you have a relationship if you don’t have these?” Answer: “You can’t.”

Intimacy — being really close to someone — develops when you and your partner share thoughts, feelings, and experiences only with each other — not with every Tom, Dick, and Harry (or every Tina, Jane, or Mary!). The more you share only with each other, the closer, more bonded, and more intimate the two of you will become.

Of course, none of it is worth a rat’s nest if you don’t share those thoughts and feelings honestly. Honesty is implicit in any good relationship. If you’re telling tales, then your alter ego or fairy tale self is having the relationship, not the real you. In contrast, if you share your real thoughts and feelings, you’ll just naturally become closer and more bonded with your partner.

As the two of you feel closer, you also feel like protecting each other. And when you go out of your way to look out for one another’s best interest, that loyalty brings you even closer together. Of course, in order to feel free to reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings — “your soul ” — and to share such personal experiences, you’ve got to trust each other. In a good relationship, both partners trust each other implicitly and look out for one another without being asked to do so. They are basically “best friends.” Friends respect, admire, trust, support, and care about each other, and they act in ways that show it. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Giving and taking

Whether you’re Superman and Wonder Woman, or Mr. and Ms. Normal Earthling, you and your partner need to be approximately equal in power in your relationship for your union to be healthy. It’s OK if he’s Superman-in-the-Boardroom and you’re Normal-Earthling-in-the-Workplace, or vice versa — provided you each respect one another as equals in your relationship — and act that way.

When you value each other as equals, all the great qualities I’ve mentioned in this chapter — respect, emotional support, honesty, loyalty, intimacy, trust, and friendship — flow back and forth between you in a fairly even way. You both share things with one another that you wouldn’t share with other people, and you both interact with each other in a very positive way. You’re both attracted physically, mentally, and emotionally in some way that seems about even, and you both recognize the relationship as equally important and valuable.

That reciprocity — that give and take of feelings, behaviors, and goals — is important to keep your relationship happy, healthy, and balanced. And let’s not forget one of the main ways your relationship needs to be reciprocal: In a healthy relationship, you both share a similar goal for the relationship. If you’d like to marry your mate someday, he or she needs to feel similarly — now or in the near future — to make the relationship prosper.

Improvement in the overall quality of life

To figure out if someone’s healthy for you, ask yourself the following questions:

Has my life changed for the better since this person entered it?

Have I grown and become a better person?

Has this person allowed me to be myself and feel good about my uniqueness?

Have I accomplished more, expanded my horizons more, or in some way bettered my life or that of others since I’ve known this person?

Have the good times pretty much outnumbered the not-so-good times?

Have I experienced more joie de vivre — more joy in living — as a result of this person being in my life?

If you answer “yes” to these questions, the relationship is probably healthy for you. In a healthy relationship, the overall quality of your life improves. You grow as a person because your partner gives you the support you need to ta...

Table of contents

• Title
• Contents
• Introduction
• Part I : Relationships 101
• Chapter 1: Is It a Good Relationship . . . Or Not?
• Chapter 2: Taking a Ride on the Cycle of Love
• Chapter 3: Is It a Match?
• Chapter 4: What Makes Someone Compatible?
• Chapter 5: Finding That Special Someone
• Part II : Getting Closer
• Chapter 6: Growing More Intimate
• Chapter 7: Sex Early in the Relationship
• Chapter 8: When (And Why) to Talk Exclusivity
• Chapter 9: Is It Time to Cohabit?
• Part III : Staying IN Love — Psychological and Emotional Intimacy
• Chapter 10: Come On, Get Happy!
• Chapter 11: Superglue #1: Good Communication — The Nuts
• Chapter 12: Good Communication: The Bolts
• Chapter 13: Good Communication: Putting It All Together
• Part IV : Feeding the Flame — Physical and Sexual Intimacy
• Chapter 14: Sexual Baloney
• Chapter 15: Superglue #2: GOOD SEX!
• Chapter 16: Light That Fire!
• Part V : Moving Forward Together
• Chapter 17: Marriage: The Magic Wand?
• Chapter 18: Move Forward to Marriage?
• Chapter 19: Mmmmmmarriage: The M Word
• Chapter 20: Relationship Rx
• Part VI : Moving Forward Separately
• Chapter 21: Breaking Up with Less Pain
• Chapter 22: Starting Over
• Part VII : The Part of Tens
• Chapter 23: Ten (+1) Tips to Successfully Pace a New Relationship
• Chapter 24: Ten Ways to Rekindle Your Flame
• : Appendix A
• : Appendix B