The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality - or If You Do

Beverly Engel

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9780470042243
• eBook ISBN: 9781118038925
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Mental Health & Wellbeing

Beverly Engel brings her expertise to this important examination of the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome—the first book to address this abusive syndrome. She discusses the origins of the disorder, names its seven major manifestations, explains how to identify Jekyll and Hyde behavior in other people and in oneself, and outlines clear steps for how to heal Jekyll and Hyde tendencies for good.

PART I

Understanding the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

1

What Is the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome?

When she was good She was very, very good, But when she was bad she was horrid.

—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

We all experience mood shifts from time to time. We are all multifaceted people who show different sides of ourselves depending on the circumstances and whom we associate with. And we are all sometimes shocked by our own actions or by the words that come out of our mouths. Yet there are some people whose mood shifts are far from normal, people who experience radical changes in their moods or violent outbursts for no apparent reason—people who become enraged, abusive, violent, depressed, or sullen at the drop of a hat. Some not only show different sides of themselves depending on the situation, but they are capable of creating double lives or entirely different personalities—personalities that would be unrecognizable to people who know them in other contexts.

These people suffer from what I call the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. Someone with the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome seems at times to be two different people. Many people with this syndrome experience radical mood swings, often for no apparent reason. They can seem happy or normal one minute and the next become deeply depressed, angry, critical, or afraid. Often, this involves suddenly getting angry with those who are closest to them. They may fly into a rage and accuse their partners or children of doing something to hurt them when the other people are totally innocent. Or they may suddenly become critical, finding fault with their loved ones, their coworkers, or anyone who is in close proximity.

This is how my client Leslie described her husband’s behavior: “You’ll never meet a kinder man than my husband. He is so generous and loving. He has dozens of friends who adore him. And most of the time he is wonderful to me. But every once in a while something sets him off and he becomes this horrible man who says terribly cruel things to me. He’ll berate me for the smallest things and insist that I don’t love him, that I’m a terrible wife, that he deserves to be with someone who will treat him better. For years I took his complaints seriously and tried to change the things about myself that he didn’t like. But no matter how much I changed, he just kept finding things to complain about. I’m beginning to think that I really have nothing to do with his moods.”

Often, the people who experience these radical mood shifts don’t seem to be aware that they have changed. Leslie continued: “The scary thing is that when he switches back to his normal self, he often can’t even remember the cruel things he’s said to me. When I tell him about how he has talked to me, he insists it can’t be true. That’s why I’ve come to realize that it really isn’t me—it’s him.”

Instead of getting angry and lashing out at those closest to them, some Jekyll and Hydes suddenly become withdrawn, depressed, or sullen, as was the case with my client Andrew’s wife. “You never know when Sheila’s mood will change and she will become withdrawn,” Andrew said. “Sometimes she wakes up that way; other times, she’ll come home from work that way. I’ll ask her what is wrong, and she insists that there is nothing going on. But you’d have to be blind not to see that something is bothering her. She barely talks to me or the kids, and she ends up going to bed and staying there for hours, even days sometimes. Then the mood just seems to pass and she’s her old self again. She refuses to talk about what happened and gets angry with me if I try to push her. I’ve learned to just try to ignore it, but it’s hard on us. I just never know when I’m going to lose my wife and the kids will lose their mother for several hours or even days. And I feel bad for her—there’s no telling what kind of emotional torture she’s going through.”

Two Faces

Sometimes a Jekyll and Hyde’s duality shows up in the fact that the person acts radically different depending on whom he or she is around or often on whether he or she is in a public place or someplace private. Many of them show one face to their friends and the public while showing another to their partners or families. For example, Carl is a mild-mannered project manager for a multi-million dollar corporation. His boss is a tyrant who insists on Carl always completing his projects perfectly and on time—even when Carl hasn’t been given adequate lead time. If Carl’s boss finds one mistake or isn’t completely impressed with Carl’s performance, he humiliates Carl in front of his coworkers. Carl is too intimidated by his boss to confront him and too afraid he’ll get a bad review and not be able to find another job if he were to quit. So Carl takes his frustrations out on his wife and children. At home with his family, Carl is an entirely different person. At home he is the tyrant.

The moment Carl walks in the door, his children are supposed to drop whatever they are doing to come to greet him and report to him whether they have completed their chores. He then follows each child around the house or the yard, inspecting the area to make sure the job was done right. If a chore is not completed to his satisfaction, he insists that the child go back and work on it until the job is done just right. After finishing their chores, the children must sit down with Carl and show him their completed homework. Carl is a stickler for perfection and often browbeats a child for getting something wrong. Dinner will be held up for the entire family until all of the children have completed their homework to their father’s satisfaction.

While many Jekyll and Hydes tend to be abusive when they switch over into another personality, others act out dark urges that are completely uncharacteristic of them. For example, Reverend Thomas Henderson is a highly respected minister in a conservative church that counsels against drinking alcohol, sex outside of marriage, dancing, and gambling. Although he fervently believes in the church and its teachings, Reverend Henderson experiences intense fantasies and desires that he cannot seem to control. He is such a charismatic speaker and is so highly regarded that he is asked to be the guest minister at various churches around the United States. Unfortunately, traveling to a strange city affords Reverend Henderson an opportunity to act out his darker urges. As much as he tries to resist, he is too weak to fight them.

While he is away, Reverend Henderson takes on another persona—that of a loud, boisterous man who goes to bars, drinks, dances, and flirts with women. If people in his congregation were to run into him, they would barely recognize him. Other than his physical features being the same, everything else about Reverend Henderson is different. Gone is his respectful, quiet demeanor and in its place is a vociferous, crude attitude. He even dresses differently. In the place of his conservative suit is a tight T-shirt and jeans. At the end of each evening, Reverend Henderson takes a new woman back to his hotel room for sex.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

The Jekyll and Hyde syndrome is named after the classic Robert Louis Stevenson story The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The story is about a man not too different from Reverend Henderson—an upstanding, tee-totaling, philanthropic doctor who turns into a womanizing, drinking, murderous scoundrel, seemingly overnight. In addition to this being an engaging tale, it is also much more. It is a metaphor for a phenomenon that is all too common—the fact that so-called good people often have a dark side, a part of themselves they keep hidden from themselves and others. In some cases, this dark side actually forms a distinct personality radically different from the public persona, as was the case with Reverend Henderson. Ironically, it is often people who stand out as the most moral, the most kind, and the most magnanimous who are most likely to fall. It is, in fact, a rule of nature that the higher up on a pedestal we put ourselves or allow others to put us, the farther we have to fall.

For those of you who haven’t read this story (and for anyone who read it a long time ago), here is the basic plot: Dr. Jekyll worried a little too much about how others perceived him. He had an investment in being viewed by others as a pillar of the community, but secretly he had the desire to act out some of his darker urges. And so he concocted a brew that would allow him to venture into the dark side of human nature, experience its forbidden pleasures, and then return to his more acceptable self, seemingly unscathed. Most important, he didn’t have to take responsibility for what his darker self did during his excursions.

While many people with the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome are like the original Dr. Jekyll who completed his transformation in the darkness of night, with no one else witnessing his change, other Jekyll and Hydes change their personalities or experience their mood shifts in front of others. For example, a normally pleasant, amiable man can suddenly turn into an insulting, abusive monster, devastating his wife with his sharp criticism of her, going on a rampage and destroying property, or even becoming physically violent toward his family. A typically doting mother can suddenly burst into a rage, calling her children horrible names, throwing objects across the room, and even driving off without them to teach them a lesson.

Jennifer devotes her life to her husband and children. She is a stay-at-home mom who is usually patient and loving with her children, four-year-old Erin and six-year-old Josh. Yet sometimes, for no apparent reason, Jennifer becomes impatient and critical of her kids and husband. Nothing they do will please her. It’s as if she is looking at them through different eyes. The qualities she complimented them on days earlier seem to have completely slipped her mind, and all she can see are their faults. “It’s all or nothing with my wife,” her husband, Bill, told me when, out of desperation, he came to me for help. “You’re either the greatest person she ever met or the worst. When she puts you in the ‘bad’ box, there is nothing you can do to make her like you. I’ve learned to just lay low and wait for her to put me in the ‘good’ box soon. But I don’t want my kids to have to grow up this way.”

How the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome Differs from Normal Mood Shifts

Those with the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome do not simply experience normal moods shifts and show different sides of themselves the way average people do. What sets people with a Jekyll and Hyde syndrome apart is:

• The fact that their mood shifts are far more frequent and severe than the average person’s.

• In many cases, not only do their moods shift but their entire personalities change.

• Often, their sudden mood shifts include an element of abusiveness toward others.

• They seldom own up to or admit to their severe mood shifts or their dual personalities. In fact, some are not aware that they have such extreme mood shifts or that they have two distinctive personalities. Most will deny any change in their behavior and may even try to make their partners or others doubt their own perceptions regarding these mood shifts.

• Many Jekyll and Hydes are excellent liars who are extremely convincing and are experts in denial, distorting the truth, and shifting the blame.

• Their personality changes often represent deep conflicts within themselves (for example, the minister who is vehemently against adultery but has strong sexual urges he cannot control).

• Their personality shifts or dual personalities are often symptomatic of a personality disorder or are due to previous abuse experiences. (Many people who suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome were abused in childhood, and many suffer from personality disorders because of it).

• Some who suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome actually live double lives. They may be highly respected elected officials, philanthropists, or even members of the clergy who hide a dark side to their personality that causes them to act in ways that would be shocking and hurtful to those who hold them in high regard, or they may create dual identities so they can participate in activities that are unacceptable in normal society.

The Seven Types of Jekyll and Hydes

From my many years of experience working as a psychotherapist specializing in abuse, I have determined that there are seven distinct types of Jekyll and Hydes:

1. The super nice/abusive person. For most of you reading this book, this is the type of Jekyll and Hyde you are probably concerned about. This person can be loving and charming one minute and abusive the next. Most often, the abuse takes the form of criticism, insults, and name calling, but at times it can include physical abuse. The person is often apologetic once some time has passed and goes back to his usual loving self. Yet no matter how apologetic he is or how many promises he makes to stop being critical, before long he has once again slipped back into his abusive behavior.

2. The unpredictable person. You never know when this person will become upset, blow up, go on a rampage, become withdrawn and sullen, or completely change her mind about something. Living with this person has been described as “walking on eggshells” because this type of person is exquisitely sensitive, and you never know whether something you say or do will upset her. Often, it is nothing you have done or said, but something that went on in this person’s own mind that created the upset.

3. The classic Jekyll and Hyde who truly lives a double life. This person may be one type of person around his family and an entirely different one while away from them. For example, a hard working married man may appear in public to be the pinnacle of virtue, yet may be seeing other women or be involved with illegal activities. He may hold the position of a minister or a priest, or he may have been elected a mayor of a city or a senator of a state. He may be a philanthropist or a highly respected celebrity, and yet he has another life in which he goes against everything he stands for. Some people with this type of Jekyll and Hyde syndrome have set up separate identities, which includes going by different names or being married to more than one person.

4. Someone whose personality radically changes when he or she drinks alcohol, takes drugs, or engages in other addictive activities. Like Dr. Jekyll, whose transformation occurred after he took an elixir he created in his laboratory, this type of radical shift usually takes place only when the person is altered due to alcohol, drugs, gambling, and so on.

5. The imposter. This person deliberately tries to fool people into thinking he is something he is not. This can include pretending to be more concerned with the welfare of others or more successful than he is. He regularly lies, manipulates, and deceives others.

6. Someone whose opinion of others fluctuates drastically. This person tends to view people as either “all good” or “all bad.” When she views someone as “all bad,” she is unable to see any redeeming qualities in the person and feels justified in treating him poorly or rejecting him completely—even if he is her own child.

7. Someone who changes dramatically when you challenge him or her in any way. This person can be considerate and agreeable as long as things go his way or as long as he is in control. But if you don’t do as he wants, if you challenge him in any way, or if you dare contradict him, you will see a completely different person. He will become defensive, insulting, and cruel.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Is Someone You Know a Jekyll and Hyde?

The following questions will help you decide whether someone you know is a Jekyll and Hyde:

1. Do certain situations tend to cause this person to change personality or have sudden mood shifts?

2. Does this person change radically depending on whom he is around?

3. Does she seem to have a public personality that is very different from how she behaves in the privacy of the home?

4. Does he frequently contradict himself? Does he state one point of view or belief one time and the opposite point of view another time?

5. Does this person appear to be hypocritical? Does she strongly disapprove of a certain behavior in others while often being guilty of the same behavior?

6. Does he have a radically different perception of himself from the one others have of him?

7. Is she often perplexed by how others view her behavior?

8. Does he often forget that certain events occurred?

9. Does she deny that she behaved in certain ways, even though you or others are certain she did? Does she accu...

Table of contents

• Also by Beverly Engel
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• PART I - Understanding the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome
• PART II - If You Have a Jekyll and Hyde in Your Life
• PART III - If You Suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome
• PART IV - The Jekyll and Hyde within Us All
• References
• Recommended Reading
• Index