Multicultural Manners

Essential Rules of Etiquette for the 21st Century

Norine Dresser

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2011
• ISBN:
  9781118040287
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

Both highly informative and entertaining, Multicultural Manners gives readers the understanding they need, the perfect words to say, and the correct behavior to use in a wide range of cross-cultural situations. This incisive and award-winning guide to etiquette features completely updated etiquette guidelines with special emphasis on post–September 11 culture clashes as well as a brand-new section that demystifies unfamiliar cultures in the news. Norine Dresser identifies key cross-cultural hot spots and suggests methods that foster respect for diversity. Readers will discover the dos and don'ts of successful business and social interaction, detailed tips on avoiding embarrassment in a variety of social settings, amusing firsthand accounts of cultural gaffes, a breakdown of customs, religions, languages, and ethnicities for seventy different countries, and appropriate etiquette for innumerable settings.

1

The New Rules of Communication

Body Language

Heads Up, Down, or Sideways?

(See also: Yes or No?, p. 193; Albanians, p. 233.)

Covering a 1997 Albanian uprising, American reporters in the capital, Tirana, ask a driver if he can take them to the airport. The driver shakes his head from side to side, so they look for another driver and receive the same response. After several negative encounters, they discover that the drivers were available, after all.

• In Albania, shaking the head from side to side means “yes” and nodding the head up and down means “no.”

Pity the poor American husband taking his visiting Albanian in-laws to the airport for their return home. When the attendant checked their luggage, she asked the usual questions: Did you pack your own bags? Have you left your bags unattended at any time? Did anyone ask you to carry something on board for them? Imagine the attendant’s alarm as the Albanians nodded their heads up and down. Picture the son-in-law’s panic trying to convince her that Albanians shake their heads in the opposite direction from Americans.

While in a Bulgarian restaurant, American tourists asked if stuffed cabbage was available. The waiter nodded “yes,” but the stuffed cabbage never appeared. The disappointed diners learned that when the waiter shook his head “yes,” he meant that they had none.

• Reversal of meaning of yes/no head gestures occurs in Bulgaria, too.

• People from Southern India tilt their heads to one side or both to indicate agreement.

• On many South Pacific Islands, they signal yes by raising their eyebrows.

High Five

Community leaders arrive for a meeting in Las Vegas. Karl, an African American director of an educational institution, attends and is greeted by Henry, the white chairperson. Henry slips into a mock African dialect and says, “Hey, bro, how’s it going?” He follows with a high-five hand slap and walks away. Karl is aghast.

Angrily, Karl explains to a colleague, “This is supposed to be a professional organization and Henry assumes that because I’m African American, I come from the ghetto. I’m not, and in my home, I was never allowed to do that handshake or to speak jive.”

Karl had an upper-class background, had attended the best schools, and had worked in high-level positions at blue-chip corporations. Although Karl recognized that Henry acted from ignorance, not malice, it did not lessen the insult. Henry’s stereotypical assumption may have cost him an important business contact.

• Be careful when appropriating the jargon or gestures of other ethnicities, lest it be considered patronizing. These actions can sabotage a relationship.

Giving Change

Cheryl regularly shops for cleaning supplies at a local Michigan Dollar Store. Usually the manager, Mr. Hakim, puts her change on the counter instead of in her hand. One day, she has the exact amount for her purchase. She hands him a five-dollar bill and while dropping eighteen cents into his hand, her fingers accidentally touch his palm. Mr. Hakim recoils. Thinking she has accidentally scratched him, she says, “Whoops, sorry!” Looking back on the incident, she realizes that Mr. Hakim didn’t want to be touched.

The next time Cheryl shops there, she places her money on the counter. Mr. Hakim smiles, something he has never done before, as he takes her money and in return places her change on the counter.

• Mr. Hakim is a Muslim, and it is taboo for unrelated males and females to have body contact. (See also: Greetings, p. 15.)

• Unrelated Orthodox Jewish men and women cannot touch.

• Koreans avoid touching strangers, particularly between members of the opposite sex but between the same sex as well.

• The avoidance of body contact does not necessarily signify rejection or discrimination. It may be customary or even a sign of respect.

Physical Contact

(See also: Japanese, p. 218.)

When Brin travels to Japan, she meets Kenji, who invites her for a motorbike ride through the countryside. Instead of climbing into the side seat, Brin sits behind Kenji. As soon as she puts her arms around him, he abruptly announces, “Let’s get in the car.”

This exemplifies how uncomfortable Japanese are with public physical contact. It not only applies to male/female contact but to same-sex contact as well. When Dorothy hugged her neighbor, Mrs. Yamashita, at the wedding of Mrs. Yamashita’s son, the groom’s mother stiffened. Even at such a joyous occasion as a wedding, Japanese customs about physical contact are not relaxed.

• Avoid body contact with Japanese people.

• At Japanese special occasions, offer verbal felicitations and nod the head slightly forward.

• Most Asian cultures frown on heterosexual touching. (See also: Signs of Affection, p. 18.)

Sign of the Cross

The California audience sits raptly engaged in the opera. Suddenly an earthquake strikes. The singers drop to their knees, cross themselves, then, with regained composure, stand up and resume singing.

The performers were Roman Catholics from Spain. Making the Sign of the Cross is an automatic gesture for the faithful when experiencing fear or as a sign of respect to their religion.

Roman Catholics make the sign by using two fingers of their right hand joined with the thumb to touch their foreheads, the center of the chest, then the left side over the heart and then the right side of the chest. Members of the Orthodox Church make the Sign of the Cross in reverse direction: After touching the forehead and center of the chest, they move to the right side of the chest, then to the left.

An Eastern Orthodox Church member explains the difference. When Christ was on the cross, he was between two thieves, also on crosses. Because only the thief on the right asked for forgiveness, he was labeled the “good thief.” For that reason, the Eastern Orthodox cross from right to left.

The number of fingers used can be controversial. During the mid-seventeenth century Great Church Schism in the Russian Orthodox Church, Nikon, the new patriarch, undertook reforms including one that required the Sign of the Cross to be made with two fingers instead of three, the customary number up to this time. Those who refused, the Old Believers, were so adamant about maintaining their traditions that they left Russia and emigrated. Some came to the United States and now live in the Alaskan Kenai Peninsula and near Portland, Oregon.

• Regardless of direction of the gesture, the Sign of the Cross reflects a person’s relationship to a higher power. It expresses reverence and/or a need for protection.

Hands off the Head

In a class that helps primary-school children improve their English-language skills, Alma, a new teacher, distributes worksheets with outlines of human figures. She asks the children to identify different body parts by coloring them with assigned colors. They comply until asked to color noses, ears, or any other parts located on the head. Then they refuse to follow her instructions.

The children were Hmong, from the hill country of Laos. The Hmong believe the spirit resides in the head; thus the head is sacred. The children refused to color the heads because by touching them, even in drawings, they might bring harm to the persons the pictures represented. The head must not be touched in reality, either. Previously, Alma and many other teachers had been accustomed to patting youngsters on their heads as a sign of affection. However, after distressed reactions from the children and their parents, the instructors discontinued the patting.

• Many Southeast Asians believe that touching their heads places them in jeopardy because that is where their spirit resides.

Greetings

(See also: Romantic Implications, p. 145.)

Hoa has just arrived from Vietnam. Her cousin Phuong and some of his American friends are waiting at the airport to greet her. Hoa and Phuong are both excited about this meeting because they have been separated for seven years. As soon as Hoa enters the passenger terminal, Phuong introduces her to his friends Tom, Don, and Charles. Tom steps forward and hugs and kisses Hoa. She pushes him away and bursts into tears.

Among Chinese from Vietnam, if a boy hugs and kisses a girl in public, he insults her. Chinese culture in Vietnam is very strict about this, especially in the rural areas where Hoa grew up. She described her village: “After children are ten years old, boys and girls cannot play together. A boy and girl cannot date without their parents’ approval. A man and woman cannot hug or kiss if they’re not married.” (See also: Signs of Affection, p. 18.)

In Hoa’s village, if anyone violated these rules, the villagers punished the girl by forcing her to kneel on the ground so they could spit at her and throw rocks at her. No wonder Phuong’s American friends frightened Hoa. She did not know what punishment for public hugging and kissing might be meted out to her in this country. She confused Tom, who by American standards was doing the right thing.

Eventually Hoa learned to be comfortable when greeted with hugs and kisses, accepting them as merely perfunctory acts.

Analogous to this situation is another in which Duane, a Chinese American employee, invited his non-Chinese boss, Mr. Keck, to a large family celebration. When Mr. Keck arrived, he shook hands with Duane and, when introduced to Duane’s grandmother, leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. This shocked the older woman, yet Mr. Keck was totally unaware that he had committed a social blunder. What he considered a respectful act, Grandmother considered disrespectful. Instead, Mr. Keck should have nodded to the older woman and offered her a verbal greeting.

• When establishing relations with Asians, avoid body contact. The safest form is to nod and give a verbal salutation. Follow their lead as the relationship changes.

Increased cross-cultural interaction brings about changes in customs; many Asian businesspeople have accommodated to the American handshaking tradition. On the other hand, in a situation where it seems as if bowing would still be the only polite move to make—especially to the Japanese—following these guidelines should make it easier:

• When bowing to people from Japan, the hands should slide down toward the knees or remain at the side.

• The back and neck should be held in a rigid position, while the eyes look downward.

• The person in the inferior position always bows longer and lower.

Those from India, Sri Lanka, and Bangladesh use the namaste for both greetings and farewells and as a sign of respect. They do this by holding their hands chest-high in a prayerlike position, then slightly nod the head, but they do not bow. American students of yoga who are taught by Asian teachers become familiar with this gesture that heralds the beginning of each session. Thais have a similar greeting, but they call it a wai.

While body contact is generally taboo in most Asian countries, elsewhere body contact is expected; shying away from contact gives off negative signals.

• When greeting, people from India, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, and Thailand hold their hands together in front of their chins in a prayerlike position and nod their heads.

• When greeting, most Latinos expect body contact. Hugging and kissing on the cheek are acceptable for both the same sex and the opposite sex. The abrazo is commonplace—friends embrace and simultaneously pat each other on the back.

• When greeting, most people from France, Spain, Italy, Portugal, and other Mediterranean countries expect to be kissed on both cheeks.

• When greeting, most Middle Easterners, especially Muslims, avoid body contact with the opposite sex (see also: Giving Change, p. 12), but men may embrace and kiss one another. Women may do the same. When shaking hands, men should avoid pulling their hands away too quickly.

• When greeting most Armenians, expect some body contact. Women kiss...