What Happy Working Mothers Know

How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Lead to a Healthy and Happy Work/Life Balance

Cathy L. Greenberg, Ph.D, Barrett S. Avigdor

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2009
• Print ISBN: 9780470488195
• eBook ISBN: 9780470531587
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business General
• Index: Business

A fact-based and proven approach to help working mothers rediscover happiness as they balance their duties at home and work

Science and sociology have made great strides in understanding what makes us happy and how we achieve it. For working mothers who face endless demands on their time and attention, What Happy Working Mothers Know provides scientifically proven and practical ways to find the right balance and replace stress with happiness. Written by a behavioral scientist and global leadership guru, and an international lawyer and career coach, this mom-friendly guide offers practical tactics that truly work. The demands of juggling work and home lead many women to try to do everything and be everything to everyone. In the effort to be Superwoman, many women lose sight of what makes them happy and they fail to realize how important their happiness is to being a good worker and a good mother. The key to being your best at everything you do is to take care of your happiness the way you take care of your health, through conscious choices every day. You'll learn to overcome obstacles, apply lessons learned at work to your motherhood skills, and learn lessons from your children that you can apply at work.

• Includes interactive activities that illustrate important lessons in the book
• Shows you how to use positive psychology to shift from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality for workplace success
• Helps you tap into your own sense of joy every day for your own happiness and the happiness of those around you
• Science-based and packed with real case studies of real working moms
• Written by authors with impeccable qualifications and real-world experience

Many moms raise great kids and achieve the professional success they desire and deserve, but if they aren't happy, what's the point? This book doesn't show you how to have it all, but how to have all the things that really matter.

Chapter 1

Happiness Is Not a Luxury; It’s a Necessity

Being a mother is the hardest job of all. It’s easier to be a
doctor than a mother. Being a mother is a 24/7/365 job
forever.

—Victoria, physician and mother of three

As a working mother—no matter your circumstances—happiness is yours for the living, if you choose. Everyone needs happiness, and every one of us can afford and attain it. It’s not a luxury reserved only for the wealthy with time and plenty of support.

Happiness is a responsibility and a choice that each of us makes. It’s a gift, but not from someone else; instead it comes from within. As working mothers we owe that gift to ourselves, our families, and our jobs. Happiness, after all, helps us to be better at everything we do. Scientific, workplace, and behavioral studies support that finding. Happy working mothers prove it day in and day out.

By happiness, we don’t mean sitting around giggling all day or singing feel-good songs. We mean the happiness that allows you to enjoy being your most fulfilled self—whether as a mother, lover, wife, coworker, boss, or all of the above.

Taking a pill or reading a book doesn’t make someone suddenly happy, nor is happiness a sometime thing. Happiness starts in the way we view ourselves, our families, our work, and our everyday lives. It’s a positive choice each of us can make every day, no matter our circumstances, and it will make a difference in our performance as a mom, in the workplace, and as a wife or a partner.

Happiness Tip: Learn to love yourself as much as you love your friends and family.

How you feel makes a difference to those around you. If you doubt that, try this. One day, act like you are in a great mood. Smile, offer to help people, be cheerful. Play it up but be believable. See how people respond. Most likely, they will ask you questions or share ideas with you. Then try the opposite. Put on a grumpy act. Tighten your face and let your body language say, “don’t bother me!”. Compare the responses and see how much your mood impacts others and the way they interact with you.

A Mother’s Story

Beth, mother of three, works in a Wal-Mart distribution center in the Midwest. She likes her job, and the mood in her family is relaxed and happy. That wasn’t always the case. When Beth worked in law enforcement—as a prison guard—she described herself as mean and negative, and that negativity would rub off on her family.

You Deserve Happiness

Happiness is a right of every working mother every day. We all can and should expect to enjoy life, career, relationships, and our kids. Whether we work for financial necessity, fulfillment, or both, we all have the choice of being gratified while balancing work and family or allowing ourselves to get caught up in the rat race. The stresses and strains of everyday pressures—from economics to workplace issues, kids’ demands, familial duties, and household responsibilities—enhance our need for happiness. They can also block our happiness if we chose to let them.

Nearly 7 out of 10 working mothers said they believe that they can “have it all” as in motherhood and a successful career, according to a 2007 study from Accenture, (NYSE: ACN), a global management consulting, technology services, and outsourcing company.¹ Looking at more from that online survey of 700 working mothers in mid- to senior-level management positions:

♦ Nearly 90 percent of working mothers like working and would want to stay on the job if there were no obstacles to their working full-time, part time, or in a flextime arrangement.

♦ More than 74 percent of working mothers are satisfied that their work/life balance is always or most of the time “right.”

Finding the right work/life, isn’t always easy. For many people, finding the right balance and achieving happiness is a question of adjusting your mind-set, and rethinking some behaviors. Let’s look more closely.

What Is Happiness?

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the
whole aim and end of human existence.

—Aristotle, 384 B.C. to 322 B.C.

Happiness means different things to different people. Happiness is the “overall experience of pleasure and meaning,” says Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., a psychologist, author of Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment, and instructor of a hugely popular happiness course, Positive Psychology, at Harvard University.

The what-happy-working-mothers-know definition of happiness is living a life aligned to your values and knowing how to find joy in simple things. Joy can be as simple as your child’s smile or helping an elderly gentleman across the street, or as complex as sealing a particular deal at work, or getting a promotion. Those are all valid examples and provide a fleeting sense of satisfaction. But happiness, as we define it, is a long-term state of mind. Let’s examine the reality of what motivates working mothers to choose to lead happy lives long term, and how you to can learn to achieve such a life, too.

Perspectives on Happiness

Each of us defines happiness in our own way. Here’s how one group of working mothers, with children ages 8 months to 23 years, answers the question: What is happiness?

♦ “Flexibility and balance,” says Lisa, who works part-time from home and has two grown children, ages 23 and 21.

♦ “Being a role model; demonstrating that families can do things differently and still be happy,” says Zoe, mother of two, ages 7 and 11.

♦ “Being successful at home and at work,” says Reveka, mother of a 9-year-old.

♦ “Fulfillment as a mother, at work, as a spouse, and personally,” says Maria, mother of two, ages 15 and 13.

♦ “Knowing that others can grow based on my performance—especially so my daughter can see how to work on a team,” says Elizabeth, mother of an 8-month-old.

♦ “I can release control, and I don’t have to do it all!” says Margie, mother of two, ages 16 and 17.

♦ “At the end of the day everyone has had a good day and we are pitching in like a team. It’s that moment,” says Sierra, also a mother of two teens.

♦ “To me it seems decadent to be soul-searching. Happiness is being satisfied,” says Susan, mother of four now-grown children.

State of Being

True happiness is a state of being, an approach to living life that generates positive energy for you and those around you at home and at work. Some forward-thinking employers already are recognizing that happy employees make better employees and that happiness is reflected in the bottom line—happiness equals profit. It’s the same when it comes to working mothers. We, too, can take many of the lessons from the boardrooms and corporate battlefields and make them work toward our own happiness.

“What you learn in the boardroom, you can apply in the home and in the community and vice versa,” says Benita Fitzgerald Mosley, a mother of two and president and CEO of Women in Cable Telecommunications. “It happens seamlessly. You learn from the experiences across your life, and they get better and better,” adds the 1984 Olympic gold medalist in track and field. “I have always enjoyed the integration of all these facets in my life that have made me who I am. I love being a daughter, a mother, and a career woman. I have been married for 13 years and have two children. I am very happy doing both roles as a mother and an executive.”

Abundance Mentality

Happiness is a state of mind in which we focus on the positive things and the people in our lives—the things and the people we appreciate. As Mosley does, it’s embracing the abundance (positive) mentality versus one of scarcity (negativity). It’s about drawing on what’s good not dwelling on what’s not. It’s the conscious choice to look beyond the imperfect and learn how to be happy.

Jenny is a single mom, a cancer survivor, a caregiver for her elderly mother, and works full time as a sixth-grade teacher. Yet every morning she wakes up with a positive approach to life. “My son is my pride and joy,” she says. “The kids at school can be a hassle, but I love my job, and if I help just one youngster to succeed, it’s extremely gratifying. Being a mom and caregiver has made me more understanding and compassionate about the hardships many kids face. Being a teacher, on the other hand, has taught me greater patience with my own son and with my mom.”

The “Perfect” Myth

To be happy, you first need to let go of the myth that you need to be perfect to be happy. Barbie is a doll, not a role model, and Debra Barone—the sexy, sassy wife and mother in Everybody Loves Raymond, who raises her kids (and her husband) while she deals with difficult in-laws—is a fictional mother. Wonder Woman was a figment of the TV imagination, too. As for that woman in the television commercial who brings home the bacon, fries it up in a pan, and knows how to please her man—needless to say, she doesn’t exist. When you stop striving for perfection according to some fictional standard, you can redirect your energy to the things that matter to you.

Happiness is like good health. Without it, you may be alive but you won’t be your best at home or at work, and likely neither will those around you. You control your own happiness much like you control your physical fitness. Happy people cultivate certain habits and practices that help them lead happy lives at work and at home—and often despite the trials and tribulations of their lives.

Authentically Happy

If you are a naturally happy person, the inevitable dramas in life will not keep you down for long.

Sue is a longtime working mother, now a working grandmother, and still married to the love of her life (she married at age 18). She’s faced her share of hardships, but is happily resilient and always sees the glass as half full.

The Philadelphian recently took in her 3-year-old granddaughter—the child of her divorced son (she and her son fought for full cus...

Table of contents

• Praise
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Foreword
• Preface
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Chapter 1 - Happiness Is Not a Luxury; It’s a Necessity
• Chapter 2 - The Science of Happiness
• Chapter 3 - How to Put the H.A.P.P.Y. in Happy Working Mother
• Chapter 4 - Guilt—What Is It Good For?
• Chapter 5 - When Mom’s Not Happy, No One Is Happy!
• Chapter 6 - What about the Kids?
• Chapter 7 - When the Going Gets Tough, Get Support
• Chapter 8 - Pulling It All Together
• Chapter 9 - Happily Ever After—Your Story
• Mom Corps Survey Analysis
• Ten Tips to Your Happiness
• Notes
• Additional Resources
• About the Authors
• Index