Building a Love that Lasts

The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage

Charles D. Schmitz, Elizabeth A. Schmitz

• Publisher: Jossey-Bass
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9780470571545
• eBook ISBN: 9781118039656
• Edition: 1

The "Best Relationship Book of 2008" is now in paperback

Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz's award-winning book reveals how to sustain a long-term loving marriage. In addition to exploring the seven key ingredients that define a successful marriage—togetherness, truthfulness, respect and kindness, staying fit, joint finances, tactile communication, and surprise and unpredictability—the authors have included hundreds of insightful and practical interviews with happy couples.

• Focuses on what's right about a successful relationship, rather than what's wrong
• Written by a popular and very active couple known as "the marriage doctors, " who lead lectures, training, workshops, and other events every week all over the country
• Contains candid interviews with a diverse collection of happily married couples from around the world

This book offers a positive, upbeat approach to living happily ever after.

CHAPTER 1

How Will I Know I Am in Love?

You suddenly and out of nowhere are inspired to say
I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
You shout it to the stars. You are in love!

IN OUR MANY INTERVIEWS with people “in love” we ask them, perhaps, the most revealing question of the interview—“How did you know you were in love?” We have heard very consistent answers. And conversely, many people involved in a new loving relationship, particularly young people, often ask us, “How do I know if I am in love?” We think we know the answer.

While we have heard a number of answers to our “How did you know you were in love” question, we can place them in seven categories. And, perhaps surprisingly, they have stayed the same over our 25 years of research on couples in love. Here they are, in a nutshell.

The first category is physical. People who say they are in love report getting “goosebumps,” “a palpitating heart,” “sweaty palms,” “a lump in my throat,” “teary-eyed when I say goodbye,” “a tingling sensation all over my body,” and the like. People in love have a positive physical reaction when they think about or see the one they love in person.

The second category is emotional. When they think about or see the person they love, most lovers report similar feelings—“I laugh more often when I am with the person I love,” “an uncontrollable smile comes over my face whenever I see her,” and “I miss him when he leaves the room.” People in love feel emotions for the person they love that they do not routinely feel for others.

The third category is positive worry. Over the years, we continue to be amazed about the consistency with which people in love report to us that they “worry about their lover” when they are not around. Little thoughts of what we have come to call “positive worry” about the one they love begins to creep into their mind—things like car accidents, falling down, getting hurt at work, and getting sick. The folks we interview for the most part do not worry compulsively or negatively. These thoughts are normal and natural when you are “in love.”

The fourth category is what we call the I-cannot-imagine-life-without-her category. This is the point in love when you begin to think about the future—your future with the one you love. When you cannot imagine your life without him, you are in love!

The fifth category focuses on the oneness of your relationship. You begin to realize that you truly want this other person in your life. You want to be with her. You want to share with her. You want to live with her, share a bed with her, hold her, and hug her. In our book, we refer to the notion of “turning two into one.” You actually begin to think about the one you love and not just about yourself or your needs. You think about his—his wants, his needs, and his desires. When the feeling of oneness consumes your body, you are in love!

The sixth category is about preoccupied love. Simply stated, you think about the one you love most of the time. You can’t get her out of your mind. You pull her photo out of your wallet and you smile. You are preoccupied with him. When you are preoccupied with him, you are in love with him!

The seventh and final category is love itself and your ability to express that love. You finally have the courage to tell her you love her! You miss him when he is not around. You worry about her. You care about his safety and welfare. You feel about her in ways you have never felt about another human being before. You suddenly and out of nowhere are inspired to say I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! You shout it to the stars. You are in love!

CHAPTER 2

Learning to Dance

Whether the beat of your marriage is a tango, salsa,
swing, or waltz, when each of these seven characteristics
threads throughout your marriage and describes your
dance together, you will have achieved
a successful marriage.

WHAT SEPARATES the couples we interviewed in marriages that achieved lasting love from those that failed? In our research we discovered pervasive characteristics threaded throughout the relationships of all successful marriages … but not the unsuccessful ones. It is uncanny the way the successful couples talk about their lives together. The characteristics are a pervasive part of who they are together, as if describing the steps of a well-choreographed dance.

Successful couples have learned and practiced these characteristics, and committed them to memory. It is like watching a pair of ice dancers gliding through a perfectly executed triple jump—they are beautiful skaters individually, but magnificent when together.

On the other hand, failed marriages are like dancing in the dark without knowing the steps. The steps appear to be easy at first, but tragically, divorce statistics tell us that half of all married couples never learn the dance. Instead, they stumble and fall until they eventually give up and quit dancing altogether. If they had learned to make the seven characteristics part of the fabric of their marriages, they could have learned the dance of lasting love.

If you want to achieve a successful marriage with lasting love, first learn and understand the seven characteristics present in the relationships of all successful marriages. Then accept the commitment to practice each of the characteristics. While the seven characteristics would seem to be so simple, successful couples described the hard work it took to make each of the characteristics become a habit in their relationships. As one of our favorite couples said when we asked them what advice they would give newly married couples, “Never give up. It takes real work to be happily married, but it is so worth it.”

As we probed deeper into these characteristics, we found that once successful couples learned and mastered the characteristics, they made them such a major part of their relationships that the seven characteristics actually became the definition of who they were together as couples. Whether the characteristics were naturally occurring early in their marriages or they learned the characteristics in the course of time throughout their marriages, the successful couples all talked about the hard work it took to fully develop them. It is no different than learning to dance the two-step or learning to ride a bicycle. Once you learn, you never forget how to do it. But the learning can be challenging and filled with obstacles, and requires constant practice.

If you didn’t start early in your marriage to learn and develop the seven characteristics, it definitely will be more difficult to learn and effectively develop them into habits. However, it is possible at any time in your marriage to learn new characteristics and incorporate them into the fabric of your marriage. It is no different than easily learning to tap dance as a small child rather than waiting until you are an adult to try to become a successful tap dancer. You can still do it at any age—it just takes greater concentration and harder work.

Whether the beat of your marriage is a tango, salsa, swing, or waltz, when each of these seven characteristics threads throughout your marriage and describes your dance together, you will have achieved a successful marriage. You will then be well on your way to achieving a long lasting love like the successful couples we have interviewed who celebrated their Golden Anniversaries together.

CHAPTER 3

Character in Love and Marriage

In our interviews over the past 25 years with couples
that have had successful marriages we are always struck
by their undying trust in each other. They literally trust
each other with their lives, their fortune,
and their sacred honor.

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT, there is a character element in love and loving relationships. People who say they love each other and then cheat on their spouse or lover, or lie to spouses on a regular basis, aren’t really in love. Oh, many think they are, but they really are not. People who love each other have character when it comes to their marriage or relationship.

In our interviews over the past 25 years with couples that have had successful marriages, we are always struck by their undying trust in each other. They literally trust each other with their lives, their fortune, and their sacred honor. The words they use to describe the one they love more often than not include words and expressions like trust, honesty, loyalty, respects me, admires me, always there for me, never lets me down, truthful, and never lies to me. Their trust for each other is about as complete as you can get. And when we ask each couple in love during our interviews to place, in an overall sense, where their relationship is on a 10-point scale, with 10 being “Absolute Trust,” without exception, they say “10!” Isn’t that wonderful? Remarkable? These are the couples that will celebrate their Golden Anniversaries together!

Trust is not something all loving relationships start with. For some couples the trust becomes complete in a few years. For others, it takes awhile. But one thing is for sure: happy and successful marriages and relationships survive and thrive on the basis of this trust. Trust is so pervasive in their relationship that they never give it a second thought. They expect it. It’s always there. It is part of the fabric of their marriage.

There is one thing you can take to the bank—all people in love have faced temptations in their relationships. The pretty girl in the restaurant captures your fancy. The handsome man walking down the street draws your attention. The flirt at work is tempting at times. And, we will dare say, sometimes in every relationship you think about slipping in the sack with some of the beautiful people you meet. But here’s whe...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Foreword
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• THE MARRIAGE QUIZ
• CHAPTER 1 - How Will I Know I Am in Love?
• CHAPTER 2 - Learning to Dance
• CHAPTER 3 - Character in Love and Marriage
• CHAPTER 4 - It’s the Little Things That Matter
• CHAPTER 5 - Nicknames: The Private Code for Love
• CHAPTER 6 - And Then … Along Came Kids
• CHAPTER 7 - Seven Surprising Secrets #1: It Takes Two to Tango
• CHAPTER 8 - Seven Surprising Secrets #2: No Sacred Cows
• CHAPTER 9 - Seven Surprising Secrets #3: The Golden Rule
• CHAPTER 10 - Seven Surprising Secrets #4: Your Body Is Your Castle
• CHAPTER 11 - Seven Surprising Secrets #5: Filing a Joint Return
• CHAPTER 12 - Seven Surprising Secrets #6: The Loving Touch
• CHAPTER 13 - Seven Surprising Secrets #7: Beyond Boring
• CHAPTER 14 - Seven Secrets to Avoiding the Seven-Year Itch
• CHAPTER 15 - The Stress Test
• CHAPTER 16 - Marriage as a Torch Red Convertible
• CHAPTER 17 - A Tribute to Lasting Love
• CHAPTER 18 - Failure Is an Option
• CHAPTER 19 - Reflections on Love and Marriage
• Appendix
• About the Authors
• Index