The Nice Girl Syndrome

Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself

Beverly Engel

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2010
• Print ISBN: 9780470579909, 9780470179383
• eBook ISBN: 9781118039335
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

How women can overcome the pressure to please others and feel free to be their true selves

Are you too nice for your own good? Do family members manipulate you? Do coworkers take advantage of you? If this sounds familiar, read The Nice Girl Syndrome. In this breakthrough guide, renowned author and therapist Beverly Engel, who has helped thousands of women recognize and leave emotionally abusive relationships, can show you how to take control of your life and take care of yourself.

Engel explains that women today simply cannot afford to be Nice Girls, because women who are too nice send the message that they are easy targets and are much more likely to be victimized emotionally, physically, and sexually. She identifies the seven different types of Nice Girls and helps you understand which type or types might apply to you. Engel helps you determine whether the Nice Girl Syndrome is keeping you in an abusive relationship or in manipulative situations and helps you change Nice Girl beliefs and behaviors that are holding you back.

• Shows you how to confront the beliefs and behaviors that keep you stuck in a Nice Girl act as you replace them with healthier, more empowering ones
• Includes inspiring stories of women Engel has worked with who have found the courage and strength to stop taking abuse and start standing up for themselves
• "This book will challenge, entertain, and empower its readers."-- Publishers Weekly (starred review)
• Written by renowned author and therapist Beverly Engel, who has helped thousands of women recognize and leave emotionally abusive relationships

Filled with wise advice, powerful exercises, and practical prescriptions, The Nice Girl Syndrome shows you step by step how to take control of your life and be your own strong woman.

PART ONE

STRONG WOMEN AREN’T NICE

1

The High Price of Being Too Nice

When one is pretending, the entire body revolts.

—ANAÏS NIN

Are you a Nice Girl? Do people often take advantage of your patience, compassion, and generosity? Are you constantly let down because other people don’t treat you as well as you treat them? Do you constantly give others the benefit of the doubt, only to be disappointed when they don’t come through? Do you tend to give other people too many chances? Is being too nice becoming a burden? If you answered yes to some or all of these questions, not only are you not alone but you are in the majority. There are millions of other Nice Girls worldwide who think and feel exactly as you do. In fact, it is safe to say that every woman has some Nice Girl in her. Here are just a few examples from my practice.

Heather’s boyfriend had an old car that continually broke down. She worried about his having to drive his old clunker into the city every day to work, so she let him drive her car. After all, she rationalized, she didn’t have to go as far to work and could easily take the bus. One day, Heather went out to her car only to find that a tire boot had been put on it. It turned out that her boyfriend had been getting tickets and then not paying for them. But this wasn’t the worst part of the story. Instead of realizing that her boyfriend was not responsible enough to drive her car, Heather allowed him to continue to do so. Two months later, he totaled her car. The insurance company paid her only for what the car was currently worth, which wasn’t enough for her to buy a new car. Did Heather’s boyfriend help her pay for a new car? No. Did he even agree to drive her to work until she got a new car? No; he said it would make him late for work. Most important, did Heather say anything to him about his irresponsibility and inconsideration? No.

Mandy’s husband, Jason, puts her down a lot. He corrects her whenever she mispronounces a word. He rolls his eyes in exasperation whenever she has a hard time figuring out how appliances work. He even makes disparaging remarks about her in front of other people. Mandy’s friends tell her that Jason is a jerk and shouldn’t treat her like that, but she explains that that is just the way he is. She knows Jason really loves her. He gets like that when he’s stressed or tired.

Whenever Gwen’s boyfriend, Ron, drinks too much, he starts treating her very disrespectfully in public. He talks loudly to others about how “stacked” Gwen is and what a great ass she has. He touches her inappropriately in front of others. And worst of all, he encourages other men to flirt with and dance with her. Gwen, a rather shy person, is very embarrassed and uncomfortable with all this. She quietly tells Ron to stop these behaviors, but her request has no effect on him. So instead of getting up and walking out, she just silently continues to take it for the rest of the evening.

Carolyn didn’t like the way her manager at work looked at her or the fact that he often told her off-color jokes. She wondered if she had given him the wrong idea, so she started dressing more conservatively. Nothing changed. She thought of saying something to him, but she was afraid that he would be insulted, which could cause even more problems at work.

Heather, Mandy, Gwen, and Carolyn are all Nice Girls. Like many women, they are afraid to speak their minds either out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or out of fear of being rejected or hurt themselves. Unfortunately, they almost always end up paying quite a price for their silence. Heather lost her car to an irresponsible, uncaring boyfriend; Carolyn was constantly being sexually harassed; and the self-esteem of Mandy and Gwen is constantly being diminished.

What Is a Nice Girl?

Being a Nice Girl doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with morals. Monica Lewinsky was a Nice Girl because she was naive enough to believe that President Bill Clinton loved her and was actually going to leave Hillary for her. She was a Nice Girl because she put his needs ahead of her own and was willing to continue lying for him, even after they were caught, and because she kept hoping they had a future together even when it was clear he had dumped her.

Neither does being a Nice Girl necessarily have anything to do with being kind or generous or respectful. Oprah Winfrey is all those things, but I don’t believe anyone would describe her as being “nice.” As warm as she is, she also sets very clear boundaries, letting people know what she will or will not put up with. And she is a person you wouldn’t want to cross.

A Nice Girl is more concerned about what others think of her than she is about what she thinks of herself. Being a Nice Girl means that a woman is more concerned about other people’s feelings than she is about her own. And it means she is more concerned about giving people the benefit of the doubt than she is about trusting her own perceptions.

According to the dictionary, synonyms for the word nice include careful, pleasant, subtle, agreeable, likable, delightful, good, admirable, pleasing. These words describe a Nice Girl to a T. In fact, many Nice Girls have an investment in being perceived in all of these ways. But I also think of other words when I think of the word nice, namely compliant, passive, wishy-washy, and phony.

Nice Girls are compliant; they do what they are told. They’ve learned that it is easier to just do what someone asks than to risk an argument. Nice girls are passive; they let things happen. They are often too afraid to stand up for themselves. They are walking doormats who are easily manipulated and controlled. Nice Girls are wishy-washy. Because they are so afraid of confrontation, they say one thing one time and another thing another time. They want to please everyone all the time, and because of this they agree with one person and then turn right around and agree with someone else who has the exact opposite belief. Because they are afraid of telling others how they really feel, Nice Girls can be phony; they pretend a lot. They pretend they like someone when they don’t. They pretend they want to be somewhere when they don’t.

I realize that it may sound harsh to call someone phony—or compliant or passive or wishy-washy, for that matter. But I prefer to tell it the way it is, and in this book I am going to pump it up a notch or two because Nice Girls can also be something else—stubborn. Many Nice Girls firmly believe that their way of operating is the right way. They are convinced that it works for them. And they tend to think they are taking the moral high ground and that others could benefit from being more like them. I am going to be firm also, because I know that for some of you it’s going to be an uphill battle to get you to let go of your Nice Girl mentality.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t have compassion for those who are stuck in the Nice Girl syndrome, because I do. I understand all the reasons that you act as you do. I understand that it is not your fault. I understand that due to cultural conditioning, parental messages, and childhood experiences, those of you with the Nice Girl syndrome are simply doing what you have been conditioned or taught to do. I understand because I have been a Nice Girl myself.

How Big a Problem Is the Nice Girl Syndrome?

Surely in this day and age we must be talking about only a small number of women, right? Unfortunately, we are not. There are far more Nice Girls out there than you can imagine. Even the most empowered women have some Nice Girl in them.

Most women have tolerated unacceptable behavior from friends, family, or lovers for far too long in their attempts to be understanding, tolerant, and compassionate. We’ve all known women who are too nice for their own good. When someone does something to them that is inconsiderate, offensive, or even cruel, instead of getting angry they try to “understand” the other person. They spend more time asking why the person did what was done than in telling the other person how unacceptable his or her actions were.

If we didn’t have so many Nice Girls, the rate of domestic violence and emotional abuse would be much lower than it is. We would not have so many women who stand by while their children are being emotionally, physically, or even sexually abused by their husbands and boyfriends. We would not have so many women staying in relationships in which they are being manipulated and taken advantage of. And we would not have so many women remaining silent when they are being sexually harassed, date-raped, or sexually pressured by their partners.

Is This Book for You?

This book is for all women who have yet to learn that if they don’t take care of themselves, no one else will. It is for every woman who puts her own needs aside on a regular basis to either attract or keep a man. And it is for all the women who are beginning to learn that being nice doesn’t pay off in the long run. Most especially, it is for all the women who are currently being emotionally, verbally, or physically abused.

If you are uncertain whether you are a Nice Girl, the following questionnaire will help you decide.

QUESTIONNAIRE: ARE YOU A NICE GIRL?

1. Do you have a difficult time asserting yourself with service people? (For example, sending a plate of food back, telling a salesperson you are not interested.)

2. Do you get talked into things, including buying things, because you can’t say no?

3. Are you overly concerned about what people think of you?

4. Is it overly important to you that people like you?

5. Are you afraid to say how you really feel out of fear of making someone angry?

6. Do you apologize too much or too often?

7. Do you have friends or acquaintances you don’t really like or have much in common with but feel obligated to continue seeing?

8. Do you often say yes to invitations because you don’t want the person to feel rejected?

9. Do you tend to give in because it makes you feel selfish if you refuse to help someone?

10. Are you afraid people will dislike you if you’re not cooperative?

11. Do you have trouble speaking up as soon as something or someone is unfair to you?

12. Do you hesitate telling someone that he or she has hurt your feelings or made you angry because you don’t want him or her to feel bad?

13. Do you avoid telling someone he or she has upset you because you don’t think it will do any good or will only cause a big problem between you?

14. Do you have people in your life who take advantage of you?

15. Do you often take the blame for things just to avoid an argument or to avoid rejection or abandonment?

16. Do you often make excuses for people’s poor behavior, telling yourself that they didn’t mean it or they didn’t know better?

17. Do you avoid conflict or confrontation at all costs?

18. Do you get a terrible feeling when someone is angry with you?

19. Do you give someone the benefit of the doubt even when others tell you this person is trouble?

20. Do you give people another chance even when they continue with the same hurtful or inappropriate behavior?

21. Do you tell yourself that you don’t have a right to complain about a person’s behavior if you’ve ever been guilty of the same behavior?

22. Are you attracted to bad boys or people with a large dark side?

23. Do you strongly believe in being fair even when other people are treating you unfairly?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you have some Nice Girl in you no matter how assertive, successful, or self-actualized you think you are. This book will help you to shed whatever vestiges of niceness you still have.

If you answered yes to more than five of these questions, you still have some work to do in terms of changing the way you view yourself in the world.

If you answered yes to more than ten of these questions, you have an extreme version of the Nice Girl syndrome and will need to do some serious work to rid yourself of the negative and false beliefs that are basically dictating your life.

You Cannot Afford to Be a Nice Girl

Why should you let go of your Nice Girl thinking and acting? Women today simply cannot afford to be Nice Girls. What do I mean by this? First and foremost, Nice Girls are far more likely to become victimized—emotionally, physically, and sexually—than are those who are not so nice.

For example, Karen agreed to go out with a man from work because she felt sorry for him. “I didn’t like him, but he kept asking me out and I felt bad about constantly turning him down. He seemed so awkward around women. I thought it would be nice if I offered to make him a nice home-cooked meal.” That night, after dinner, the man from work raped Karen. Not only did she blame herself for being so stupid as to invite him to her home, but she didn’t report it. “I was just too embarrassed. I didn’t want everyone at work to find out about it.” And so every workday, Karen lives in fear that she will run into the man who raped her.

Karen’s niceness had actually put her life in jeopardy. She allowed her concern for someone else to blind her to the dangers of dealing with a stranger. Nice Girls often are targets for con artists, rapists, and other attackers. Because Nice Girls tend to be focused outside of themselves—helping others, worrying about not hurting others’ feelings—they don’t focus enough attention on protecting themselves, their feelings, and their very safety. In Karen’s case, she was so busy being nice that she didn’t pay attention to her instincts and did not check out how others felt about the man. She was so concerned about her image—another common Nice Girl trait—that she didn’t report a man who was dangerous to other women.

Because Nice Girls tend to be gullible and to give others the benefit of the doubt, they are far more likely to be taken advantage of, cheated on, abused, or abandoned by their partners than are not-so-nice girls. Cindy suspected for quite some time that her husband was having an affair. He started having to work late and was no longer interested in having sex with her, and she even thought she smelled perfume on his shirts when he came home. But each time she confronted him, he swore to her that it was not true. He seemed so sincere and so deeply wounded by her accusations that she always doubted herself. “I decided I was just a suspicious person and that it was unfair for me to accuse him when I had no proof,” she shared with me during her first session. The reason Cindy had begun seeing me? She found out that her husband was, in fact, having an affair and that it was only one of a series of many.

Nice Girls are also far more likely to be taken for granted, overworked, underpaid, and passed over for promotions than are not-so-nice girls. For example, Kendra was passed over for a promotion two times. Each time, her boss exp...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• PART ONE - STRONG WOMEN AREN’T NICE
• PART TWO - FROM FALSE BELIEFS TO EMPOWERING BELIEFS
• PART THREE - FROM NICE GIRL TO STRONG WOMAN
• References
• Index