What Your Body Says (And How to Master the Message)

Inspire, Influence, Build Trust, and Create Lasting Business Relationships

Sharon Sayler

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN:
  9780470599167
• eBook ISBN:
  9780470769874
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Negocios y empresa
• Subtopic: Comunicación empresarial

Train your body to communicate with confidence and clarity-have your body match what your mouth says...

The popular phrase "leading from influence" takes for granted that influence derives chiefly from verbal communication. However, communication is about more than words. To get to the next level in your career, you must communicate with your entire self.

What Your Body Says gives you the straight-up "how-to" on unifying what you say with what you do, allowing you to better connect with other people and reach your full leadership potential. It gives you a clear and simple process to follow, all drawn from an intense study of how language impacts people's lives and emotions. Filled with useful tools, strategies, and techniques, this book gives you the key to

• Speak intelligently while looking smart, engaging and real
• Deliver unpleasant messages without pain or guilt
• Having a committee meeting and getting something done
• And more

Written by Sharon Sayler, a highly accomplished expert in marketing, presentations, and body language, What Your Body Says is the only guide you need to achieve the competitive edge in your personal and business communication style.

1

The Signals You Are Sending

What Your Body Says (and how to master the message) explains the more commonly used nonverbal gestures and signals, which are easy to remember and duplicate without looking phony or forced. The primary focus is on body gestures, eye contact, and nonverbal cues of the spoken word—such as tone, volume, speed, and breathing. The goal is to learn to recognize the nonverbal behaviors, know how to apply them, and understand how they make others feel.

You are your nonverbals; they are a direct expression of your thoughts and emotions. Yet most people don’t have a clue as to what they are expressing. It’s simple to know what your body is saying, once you learn the language. This requires that you:

• First, observe others. Be curious, notice how their body language makes you feel so that you understand the most likely meaning of certain movements.

• Second, keep your sense of humor while you practice the skills in this book.

You likely choose your words very carefully, and explain each detail of a product or negotiation. But how often do you forget to choose what your body is saying? During a typical 10-minute conversation, a speaker and listener each send hundreds of nonverbal messages—that’s a lot of messages, all of which have the potential to convey a mixture of meanings. Look at communication holistically:

• The words you say.

• The movements you make.

• The words the other person says.

• The movements he/she makes.

Communication comprises bits of messages and meanings—both verbal and nonverbal—that constantly travel back and forth. In life, as in poker, “He was so easy to read” means the other’s nonverbal cues were sending messages loud and clear.

First impressions have a huge impact on how business relationships develop. If your nonverbal signals are not aligned with your words, people will more often believe what your body says—not your spoken words.

 

EXERCISE: CLOSELY OBSERVE GESTURES

 

Enjoy a conversation with friends and notice places you did or could have gestured. Write down a few examples to enhance your observation skills.

• The Words You Said

• Movements You Made

• The Words They Said

• Movements They Made

As you observe, begin to notice if there are shared gestures and movements. Look for ways to verify what you are seeing. You dramatically increase your ability to be an effective communicator when you become aware of nonverbal signals and cues. The basic techniques for sending nonverbal signals and cues are much the same for all professions. Whether you are designating tasks to be performed by employees, closing a sale, nailing the job interview, or presenting to a team, good communication skills are always an asset.

Good versus Bad Nonverbals

Behaviors and the patterns they create are neither good nor bad; they are simply behaviors. The context changes the perception of the rightness or wrongness of the behaviors. Every day we perform a balancing act between behaviors and patterns that are assets and those that are liabilities. Depending on the context, what might be a benefit in one situation may be a drawback in another. Imagine a sliding scale with assets on one end and liabilities on the other, and envision the following behaviors on that scale: raised voice, rapid breathing, stern tone, slightly dropped chin, erect posture, downward facing palm, and pointed finger. You probably placed these behaviors on the liability end of the scale, right? You might even label a person displaying those behaviors as upset or angry.

But consider this: by themselves, the majority of those behaviors do not indicate anger or distress. Each one plays a role, and in a different context might be used to alert others to danger. If someone were using those same reactions to keep us safe, we would consider them an asset. The context in which we use behaviors makes them a help or a hindrance. It is easy to select which behaviors to use in what context by keeping in mind the answers to these questions:

• What do my listeners want? What do I want?

• How do they get what they want? How do I get what I want?

• How can we both get what we want and maintain the relationship?

The key objective is to maintain the relationship while each person gets what he or she wants. Consider how you might do this with your own interactions.

 

EXERCISE: UNDERSTAND WANTS AND NEEDS

 

Think of an upcoming communication where your needs might vary from the listener’s needs. Role-play that communication, and answer the following questions before you begin communicating with the other person(s).

What does my listener want?	What do I want?
How do they get what they want?	How do I get what I want?
How can we both get what we want and maintain the relationship?

 

Understanding your needs and the needs of the listener is not a math question where the focus is on the value of each set of needs. The focus is on the relationship and how those needs can be met and if they can’t be met, at least acknowledged. To understand needs, you must be willing to listen. Hearing is natural; listening is not. It takes concentration to listen effectively. To encourage others to share and show them that you are listening, use a downward glance and the head nod. The head nod is widely recognized to indicate approval or “Tell me more, I’m listening.” The head nod goes up and down, differing from the side to side no headshake. Often the head nod and the headshake are behaviors we don’t realize we are doing. That is why it is important to understand what messages our body is sending and intentionally choose behaviors that fit. Next time you want someone to share more, try a head nod and make eye contact with the floor for a while. The results might be surprising.

No one is born a great communicator, and no conclusive brain science exists to explain the difference between great and average communicators—except for learned behaviors often referred to as charisma. Great communicators use nonverbals intentionally, because they know it makes a difference in how others see them. Instead of spending their time learning to read another person’s body language, great communicators work on how their body language is likely to be perceived.

As with almost everything else in life, anyone can learn to use nonverbal cues for clear communication. There are keys to being a successful communicator. It’s not magic—it just looks that way.

2

How the Signals Work

Since gesture is one of the words that usually come to mind when discussing nonverbal signals and cues, let’s start there. A gesture is a movement or series of movements used to communicate a message. Now, that’s a nice definition, but what does it really mean? Gestures and nonverbal movements or behaviors are part of who we are. Most often our movements are organic and spontaneous. Sometimes they represent what we are saying, and sometimes they don’t. We often display emotions and thoughts nonverbally.

You want to be sensitive to the power that nonverbals have and deliberately choose those that support your message. Match your words with intentional gestures, those gestures made for a specific purpose. Nonverbal behaviors and groupings of behaviors, or patterns, when specifically chosen to correspond with your words, send an intentional message to the listener.

While hand gestures are the most common, any body movement can be an intentional gesture, such as rocking one foot on the tiptoe (unsure or coy), standing at attention with both feet together (neutral or no comment), or having one or both feet turned toward the listener (interest in listener). Some research separates facial expressions from gestures; however, for simplicity’s sake, I define gestures as any behavior or body movement, including those that involve the face.

Intentional Gestures Are a Powerful Tool

We all use gestures. We’re just not always very good at having our gestures match what we say. Intentional gestures support your message and keep the listener fully engaged. They can also create an emotional response for both you and the listener. The emotional attachment to the message determines how the listener will respond.

Responding to gestures, especially smiles and other emotional facial expressions, is instinctive and cross-cultural. While members of all cultures respond to nonverbals, we don’t necessarily do so in the same way, or consider them to have uniform meanings. For example, in North America, the okay gesture of the thumb and forefinger making a circle means everything is fine. In Japan, it means money; and in France, it means empty or zero. In Brazil and Russia, it can be an obscene gesture. Because of the cross-cultural issues, we will examine only the gestures that send the same intended message in most cultures. If you do a lot of international business, it’s a good idea to study up on what is and isn’t acceptable in various countries and across different societies. When in doubt, or if you don’t understand what you see, just ask. The answer might surprise you.

Observe the local culture in different companies as well as countries. Each corporate culture, profession, or group has its own nonverbal gestures as well as jargon. It’s impossible to know or write about all of them. However, by examining the four main types of gestures in What Your Body Says, you will be steps ahead in getting your point across. The four intentional gesture categories are:

• Relationship

• Location

• Teaching

• Expectation

There are countless gestures one can use to express elements of these four categories. Therefore, it’s best to learn, practice, and adapt the bas...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Foreword
• Foreword
• About the Author
• Acknowledgments
• About This Book
• Introduction
• Chapter 1 - The Signals You Are Sending
• Chapter 2 - How the Signals Work
• Chapter 3 - Gestures of Relationship
• Chapter 4 - Gestures of Location
• Chapter 5 - Gestures That Teach
• Chapter 6 - Gestures of Expectation and Influence
• Chapter 7 - The Eyes Have It
• Chapter 8 - How the Signals Sound—The Voice
• Chapter 9 - The Unintentional Nonverbals
• Chapter 10 - The Fine Print in Your
• Chapter 11 - Putting It All to Work
• Cheat Sheets
• Resources and Recommended Reading
• Quick Reference Guides
• Index