Divorce For Dummies

John Ventura, Mary Reed

• Publisher: For Dummies
• Year: 2009
• Print ISBN:
  9780470411513
• eBook ISBN:
  9780470485361
• Edition: 3
• Topic: Desarrollo personal

Since Divorce For Dummies, 2nd Edition published in 2005, there have been considerable changes in collaborative divorces, common law marriages, same sex marriages, visitation, and even custody laws (from children to pets). Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition includes 25 percent new, revised, and refreshed material covering all of the above.

Part I

When Your Marriage Is on the Rocks

In this part . . .

Every marriage isn’t made in heaven. If you and your spouse are not living happily ever after and you think that your marriage may be ending, this part of the book provides you with a quick overview of divorce (and alternatives to it). It introduces you to the legal and financial issues that you and your spouse must resolve before your divorce can be official and the laws that apply to divorce, and it gives you an idea of the likely cost of your divorce. It also provides an overview of what you can expect if your divorce ends up in court.

Chapter 1

Divorce Fundamentals

In This Chapter

Figuring out your financial future

Beginning the divorce process

Knowing the steps in the divorce process

Resolving the basic issues in your divorce

Figuring out the financial costs of divorce

Getting through your emotions

The thought that a divorce is in your future may make your stomach churn and cause you to lie awake at night worrying about what the process will be like, especially if your only knowledge of the legal system comes from watching courtroom dramas on TV. Understandably, the prospect of dealing with lawyers, courts, and legal mumbo jumbo may intimidate you.

Like most people in your situation, you’re probably also concerned about what the divorce will do to your finances. You may worry about how much you’ll have to spend to get divorced and whether after your divorce is final you’ll have to pay every penny you earn on spousal support and/or child support (or whether you’ll receive enough spousal support or child support from your spouse). You may also lose sleep wondering about the kind of postdivorce lifestyle you will be able to afford.

And, if you have young children, you probably have worries about how your divorce will affect them. You’re right to be concerned because studies show that when parents don’t work together to make their children feel safe and to keep their lives as normal as possible during and after their divorce, the children are apt to suffer emotionally. Studies also show that these same children have difficulty establishing healthy relationships as adults.

After you read this book, you should sleep better at night and worry a little less because you’ll be armed with the information and advice you need to help you and your children get through your divorce and prepare for life afterward.

This chapter takes you through predivorce planning, provides a peek at the divorce process, and touches on the emotional aspects of divorce. In addition, we introduce you to some of the professionals you may need to call on to help with your divorce, explain the role that mediation may play in your divorce and discuss a relatively new, non-court process for ending your marriage called a collaborative divorce.

Considering Whether You Have Cause for Concern

If your marriage is going through tough times, you may find yourself wondering whether it’s an example of the “for better or for worse” your marriage vows mentioned or whether your relationship is truly on the rocks. Although no test exists that can tell you whether your problems are typical reactions to the stress and strain that most marriages experience at one time or another or whether they point to more serious issues, troubled marriages do tend to exhibit many of the same characteristics. How many of the following statements apply to your marriage?

In your mind, your spouse just can’t do anything right anymore.

You fight constantly.

You’ve lost the ability or the willingness to resolve your marital problems.

Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love.

You’ve turned from lovers into roommates.

One or both of you is having an affair.

You go out of your way to avoid being together and, when you are together, you have nothing to talk about.

Your children are reacting to the stress in your marriage by fighting more, having difficulty in school, getting into trouble with the police, abusing drugs or alcohol, or becoming sexually promiscuous.

You have begun having thoughts about divorce.

Don’t panic if you find that your marriage exhibits some of these characteristics; you’re not necessarily headed for divorce court. However, you do have cause for concern; you and your spouse need to assess your options — first separately and then together — and decide what to do next.

You may be married without realizing it

In some states, you may be married in the eyes of the law if you live with someone long enough (although no state defines just how long “long enough” is) and meet other state criteria, like the two of you have been holding yourselves out as married, you file joint income taxes, or you have plans to marry eventually. Such an arrangement is called a common-law marriage and provides you and your common-law spouse all the same rights and obligations as any other couple in your state who were married formally in a civil or a religious ceremony. It also means that you must obtain a legal divorce in order to officially end your relationship.

The following states recognize common-law marriages:

Alabama

Colorado

District of Columbia

Georgia (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before January 1, 1997.)

Idaho (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before January 1, 1996.)

Iowa

Kansas

Montana

Ohio (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before October 10, 1991.)

Oklahoma

Pennsylvania (Assuming a couple satisfied all the requirements for a common-law marriage before January 1, 2005.)

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Texas

Utah

Marital problems can trigger depression, feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness, and anger, as well as sleep disturbances, any of which can impede clear thinking and sound decision-making. A mental health professional can help you or your spouse deal with these problems so that you can move forward. If your spouse is struggling emotionally, suggest that he or she get mental health counseling, assuming that you think your spouse will be receptive to advice coming from you given the state of your marriage.

Getting Prepared Financially for a Divorce

Predivorce financial planning is essential to minimizing the cost of your divorce and increasing the likelihood that when your divorce is over, you have a settlement agreement that meets your short- and long-term postdivorce financial needs. (We discuss how to prepare yourself emotionally in the “Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster” section, later in this chapter, as well as in Chapter 7.) The amount and type of planning you need to do depends on how involved you’ve been in managing your family’s financial life, whether you have a good credit history in your own name, and whether you have maintained a career outside your home during your marriage. See Chapter 3 for advice about evaluating your family’s finances.

If your spouse totally surprises you with plans for a divorce, predivorce planning may be impossible, especially if you’re clueless about your family’s finances. If that’s the case, your divorce teaches you a painful lesson: That not being an informed and active partner in your family’s financial life is risky because you’re at an immediate disadvantage if your marriage ends (or if you become widowed).

Ideally, before your divorce begins, you will have

Built a good credit history in your own name. In other words, all or most of your credit should not be joint credit — that is, credit that you share with your spouse. Without a solid credit history of your own, you will have a difficult time qualifying for credit that has affordable terms after your divorce. You may even have a difficult time qualifying for certain kinds of jobs or promotions because some employers check your credit history or credit score as part of their decision-making process. You may also have a difficult time renting a nice place to live because some landlords review their potential tenants’ credit histories or scores as part of their screening process. Finally, without good credit, you may not be able to obtain adequate insurance.

Cleaned up your credit history if the one you built in your own name was full of negatives. To improve your credit history, make all future credit payments on time, don’t go over your credit limits, and don’t take on new debt. Within a matter of months, your credit history should begin to improve.

Begun to update your job skills or to develop new ones if you’ve been a stay-at-home parent or a full-time homemaker during your marriage. In today’s economy, having the right job skills is critical to being competitive in the job market. You may have to return to school to get the skills that you need.

Considered taking a part-time or full-time job while you’re married. By takin...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Table of Contents
• Title Page
• Introduction
• Part I: When Your Marriage Is on the Rocks
• Part II: Getting Your Divorce Going
• Part III: Deciding the Basic Issues in Your Divorce
• Part IV: Working Out the Details of Your Divorce
• Part V: After You're Officially Divorced: Avoiding Problems and Handling Challenges
• Part VI: The Part of Tens