12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know

Getting Back to Basics and Raising Happy Kids

Michele Borba

• Publisher: Jossey-Bass
• Year: 2010
• Print ISBN:
  9780787980962
• eBook ISBN:
  9781118040928
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development

Best-selling parenting guru Michele Borba, the mother of three, has surveyed 5,000 mothers for their experience and wisdom in raising happier, more confident kids by returning to a more natural, authentic kind of mothering. She shares 12 top secrets of successful moms culled from her research and shows how to apply them to your family.

You'll learn how to…

• Apply the 12 essential principles that child experts and 5,000 parents say matter most in good mothering
• Raise children with confidence, resilience, and character
• Create a customized mothering plan and use it so it leads to success with your child
• Cut the guilt and reduce the stress by sticking to what really counts in parenting good kids today
• Discover simple ways to make big differences in your family's life

Part One

How Can a Real Mom Give Her Children Love That Lasts for Always?

chapter one

From the Sacrificial Mom to the Child Who Can Thrive Without You

I was sitting in front of my computer with a phone pressed to my ear, ready to do an online chat for pregnancy.org. For about an hour each month I serve as a parent expert to several mother Web sites and answer an array of questions from mothers all over the country about child development.

Julie Snyder, the site’s chat master, was on the other end of the line to help me through the process and make sure I could get into the chat room. Apparently she coordinates about twelve different chats each month. So, figuring she had a darn good sense about what was on mothers’ minds these days, I asked her, ″What’s the biggest thing these moms really want to know?″

She knew the answer instantly (I must admit it caught me off guard): ″The one thing most moms want to know is how to change. They know they’re doing too much and are stressing, but they don’t know what to do to get on another track. You could really help them by telling them what to do to start simplifying their lives.″

″Why simplify?″ I asked.

″Because their kids aren’t growing up as well as they’d hoped,″ she said.

″What’s wrong?″

″Well, the kids are so stressed, and their moms are just doing so much. They just want their children to be happy so that one day they’ll survive and thrive on their own. But they need to get back to just being their real selves and not always trying to copy what all the other moms do.″

So let me ask you something: Just how satisfied are you right Snow with your own parenting? Seriously. Are you content with the way things are going for your children and your family? Are you worried about their future?

Here’s another thing to consider: Have you ever said to yourself, “I wish I knew how to be a mom who raises kids who have what it takes to be happy and successful. I feel like I’m always spinning my wheels and knocking myself out trying to do so much for my kids. What really matters when it comes to being a good mom? What do my kids really need from me, and can I really make a difference in their lives?”

Well, you can and do make a difference in your children’s lives. Sixty years of research have proven that “parents have a profound effect on their children’s emotional, social and intellectual development.” The problem is that we mothers have been trying to do so much and be such perfect moms that we’ve gone way overboard. Many of us have reached the point where we’re tired and anxious but still trying to do more and more for our kids.

Real mothering doesn’t have to be this hard. We really don’t have to exhaust our energy and our finances, and our kids don’t have to be this scheduled and stressed. Being a mom should be fun and rewarding and joyous. You just have to admit you want to change.

Are You Ready to Make a Change?

Here are a few more questions to help you realize it’s time to get your family out of the fast lane—to slow down and make a few different parenting choices so that your kids will be happier and more confident, develop stronger values, and become self-reliant. Do any of these ring true for you or your family?

• Do you feel guilty about not living up to your own image of the perfect mom? Do you second-guess your mothering or think you’re not doing a good-enough job?

• Do you worry about your child—about whether the workload and schedule is too much?

• At your parent-teacher conference, do you find yourself asking more about your kid’s grade and how he’s competing with the rest of the class than about whether he is happy and how he gets along?

• Are you frequently stressed or exhausted or impatient with your family? Does the littlest, tiniest thing get under your skin? Are you quick to anger? Are you yelling more?

• Are you on the coach’s case complaining that your child isn’t getting enough game time or respect on the team?

• Has success become such a huge commodity in your family that your kids are afraid to let you down or disappoint you with a poor grade?

• Do you worry that your kid seems really anxious or depressed? That she’s not having any fun?

• Do you worry when your kid seems to have nothing to do, and feel as though you have to educate or entertain him every second of the day?

• Do you always compare yourself frequently to other mothers and worry that they’re doing a better job than you are?

If you answered yes to any of the questions, it’s time to you make some changes for your kids, yourself, and your family. And this book will help you. We’ll work on simple changes so that you stop trying to do it all and instead focus on what really matters in giving your kid what she needs to be happy and successful on her own.

Yes, it will involve a little work—but we’re talking about simple changes. I’ll show you how to make easy adjustments that can have a dramatic impact on your family. And if you stick to your commitment and do make those changes, you will be happier and more content in your mothering, and your children will have a much better chance of being successful not only in school but also in life. And that’s because you’ll be raising your kids so they can survive and thrive without you.

chapter two

What Is a Real Mom These Days?

I don’t know what’s happened to motherhood, but something is very different about it from the days I was a young mother. I watch my daughter and her friends, and they do so much for their kids. They’re exhausted from trying to keep up. It’s like they’re keeping score with each other. I keep telling her, ″Enjoy your kids. They don’t need all this stuff. They’ll turn out fine not because of all this stuff, but because of who you are.″ She just tells me I’m out of touch, but deep down I think she’s starting to realize this frantic pace isn’t good for her family. When did mothering get so complicated? How did women get so far away from just doing what they know is best for their kids and just plain real mothering? What ever happened to lullabies and pat-a-cake?

—Lenore Jacobson, grandmother of nine
and mother of four, Austin, Texas

Have you stopped to notice lately just how much mothering has changed since your mom raised you? It’s almost as though the definition of a “real mother” has been replaced with a new meaning. My sons are college age now, and I’ve seen a subtle change just since raising them and, of course, a much more pronounced difference since my mom raised me. I always felt there was a difference, but it wasn’t until I spoke to countless moms and had a few pivotal experiences of my own that I was certain that the popular view of good mothering has shifted these days, and it’s not all for the best.

What Happened to Pat-a-Cake and Peek-a-Boo?

My first big “ah-ha” moment was at a luncheon where one of my friends announced that her daughter was pregnant. Those next minutes were a blur of cheers, tears of joy, hugs, and then endless toasts to Louise and her grandchild-to-be. The conversation then turned to what the mother would need: a bassinet, crib, changing table, car seat, stroller. Louise admitted that she’d already thought of all those “usual” necessities. What was at the top of her “must-have” list was a new book that taught sign language to babies.

“Is the baby going to be deaf?” I asked.

“Oh no,” Louise assured us. “It’s a new mothering method that lets us communicate with our babies even before they can talk. It’s all the rage with new moms these days.”

Her comment caught me off guard. Why spend so much energy teaching a young baby sign language? That has to take a lot of time. And after all, few things are more precious than a mother bonding with her child, so why not spend those moments singing lullabies or playing peek-a-boo? Or making those funny faces to her little one or just cooing and giggling? Teaching your baby sign language seems a little more complicated than just doing the natural stuff moms do. Research has shown that maybe there’s some value to this, but jeez, it’s just one more complex thing for moms to do on an already crowded plate. Whatever happened to those unrehearsed moments with your baby—singing nursery rhymes, giggling, playing pat-a-cake, or just cuddling up in a rocking chair?

When Did Mothering Become a Billion-Dollar Profit Center?

A few months later, I went to buy a present for Louise’s new grandchild and began to get a sense that something had really shifted. My clue came when I walked into a baby store and realized that mothering had become a billion-dollar enterprise. Baby paraphernalia was everywhere; there were so many new products I didn’t know where to start looking. And greeting me front and center was a colorful display of Mozart tapes promising to “stimulate brain development” if played to an unborn child. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “a mother’s first educational purchasing decision comes up even before the baby’s born.” This seemed a lot more complicated and difficult than choosing between diaper bags or strollers.

Next aisle: magnetic numbers, memory games, phonic kits, electronic vocabulary programs, and gadgets galore to motivate your budding little genius. In fact, almost every product pledged to give your kid that all-important jump-start toward academic success. Just when did mothering a baby or a toddler become so focused on achievement? What the heck happened to the days of sandboxes, blocks, and tree forts?

I felt a tad guilty asking the salesclerk for something as old-fashioned as a copy of Goodnight Moon (which I finally bought at the bookstore next door). But I was also struck with just how many choices moms have to make for their kids these days, how many products that appeal to parental anxiety about learning quickly, preparing for tests, competing, and striving ahead—and how much responsibility they must feel about making the right choices.

That same week, on a plane to visit my youngest son at college, I sat next to a lovely young mom and her adorable daughter. We greeted one another and then, for the duration of the just-under three-hour flight, I watched this mom entertain her six-year-old daughter nonstop. As soon as the seat belt sign went off, the mom pulled out a bag packed to the brim with items: from flash cards to workbooks to beginning phonic books to markers and paper—she even had a DVD player with a National Geographic movie about zoo animals. Heaven forbid an unplanned spare moment for the child, but what about her mother? I was exhausted from watching her try to make sure her child was never bored. Just when did mothering get so difficult? So draining?

But I didn’t rely on just my exper...

Table of contents

• Praise
• THE 12 SIMPLE SECRETS OF REAL MOTHERING
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Acknowledgments
• note to the reader
• Introduction
• Part One - How Can a Real Mom Give Her Children Love That Lasts for Always?
• Part two - The 12 Simple Secrets of Real Mothering
• the last word
• references
• about the author