Momfulness

Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace

Denise Roy

• Publisher: Jossey-Bass
• Year: 2010
• Print ISBN: 9780787981976
• eBook ISBN: 9781118040959
• Edition: 1

Denise Roy combines the hard-won wisdom of a parent with the insights of meditation to create a spiritual practice that goes to the heart of everyday life: mothering with mindfulness. Through anecdotes, reflections, and specific practices, this book invites mothers to wake up and embrace their lives, discovering that they are always standing on holy ground.

Presence

As mothers, our greatest gift to our family is our true presence. We may run around doing many things for them, but it is our being that makes all the difference.

To live in the present moment is not easy, as we whirl through life balancing many things at once. As we practice Momfulness, we can pay attention to the moment we are in, finding the wholeness that exists below the busyness. We can come home—to ourselves, to our children, to our partner, to the many extraordinary moments in our everyday family life.

In this chapter we practice being here, now. We relax into life and stop wanting to be somewhere other than where we are. We realize that our true home is so close to us: it is in this moment; it is in the eyes of our child or in the greeting of our partner or in the hug of a dear friend. Our home is as close as our next breath.

May we be fully present, here and now, aware of the gift of each moment.

Breathing Meditation

To breathe is to inhale spirit.

—Huston Smith, The Soul of Christianity

One day received a call from Debby—a mother of three young girls. She had taken one of my workshops. “I want to share with you a story about the breathing prayer you gave us,” she began. She was referring to a small card I had handed out that had a simple meditation on it.

“I wanted to remember to breathe while driving the kids around, so I taped one of the cards to the dashboard of my van. My husband, who describes himself as a nonbeliever in what he calls New Age Foo-Foo, teased me about it.”

“‘A card to remind you to breathe?’ he asked me.” Debby laughed.

“But then one day, our daughters had to go with some friends to Chuck E. Cheese Pizza, and I had another appointment. So I asked my husband to take the kids in my van.

“Four hours later, he returned. He came up to me and said, ‘You know that breathing card you have on the dashboard?’

“Yeeesss,” I said.

“‘Well, not that it worked or anything, but let’s just say that without it, the kids would never have made it to Chuck E. Cheese!’”

What was on the small card was a simple breathing meditation by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. It is a two-breath meditation:

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.

I’ve found it to be a great way to return to the present moment and reconnect my body and my mind.

Breathing in, I calm my body. When we breathe in and say these words to calm our bodies, we become aware that we even have a body. As mothers, it’s so easy for us to live in our heads or to be so busy that we forget to tune in to what our bodies need. When we breathe in and give our bodies permission to become calm, our shoulders relax and our stress level begins to decrease.

Breathing out, I smile. This is such a simple instruction, yet the result is so effective. This is not about faking happiness or covering up what we’re really feeling. It is about finding the smile that exists in the most ordinary of moments. It is discovering that even when things are crazy—the kids are totally out of control, coworkers are completely unmanageable, traffic is backed up for miles—a part of us remembers that we can smile. It is as if a tiny gap appears between what’s happening and the part of us that can observe it all—and smile.

Dwelling in the present moment. As we take this second breath, we recognize how much we live life in the past or in the future. It’s as if a tape recording continuously replays what happened or anticipates what might happen. When we push the pause button, take a breath, and dwell in the present moment, we become aware that this really is the only moment that exists. All future moments are only more present moments.

I know this is a wonderful moment. These words help us appreciate how a moment that seems ordinary is actually full of wonder. Suddenly, we have new appreciation for what is right in front of us: the way the sun is coming through the window, the laughter of our children, even the dishes in our kitchen sink. Most moments, if we truly connect to ourselves and to those moments, are wonderful. If it feels like too much to say a moment is wonderful, we can say: I know this is the only moment. That is always true.

When we use this practice, we discover that underneath it all, supporting us in every moment, is our breath. In and out. In and out. Our breath is with us from the first moment we leave the womb, and it will be with us until we leave this life. In the in-between time, even though we ignore it most of the time, it is there waiting for us to befriend it and to use it as a way of coming home.

Breathing can also be a prayer—a way of connecting to God, to the Sacred, and to our deepest self. The words breath and spirit come from the same root word in a number of languages, and most religious traditions have some form of breathing meditation or prayer. When we link our breath to the power of Spirit, using words or phrases that feel sacred, we open up a channel of healing and wholeness that is available to us in any moment.

When I sit to pray or meditate, I begin by using my breath, recalling the unity of breath and Spirit. I’ve taught this practice to my children, and they each have their own favorite version. They tell me it helps them deal with the stresses of school and the times when they feel nervous or anxious. We often begin bedtime prayer with a breathing meditation, and at our church we open Sunday school by lighting a candle in the center of the circle and breathing in and out God’s love.

Recently, Debby called me again to tell me a second story about the power of the breathing prayer. “My five-year-old daughter developed a tumor in her throat. I can’t tell you how many times I used the breathing prayer every day. That was all I could do, just breathe, pray, and stay in that moment.”

Debby went on to tell me how she taught her little girl how to breathe and smile in order to calm herself through all the poking and prodding that the doctors were doing to her. “We also did the breathing prayer together every night, and it helped my little angel fall asleep.

“It’s amazing,” Debby continued. “Through all of this, as painful as it’s been, I’ve discovered that our entir...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Introduction
• Momfulness
• Developing a Practice
• Presence
• Attention
• Compassion
• Embodiment
• The Sacred in All Things
• Community
• A Final Word
• Suggested Reading
• Acknowledgments
• The Author