Be Your Own Dating Coach

Treat yourself to the ultimate relationship makeover

Jo Hemmings

• Publisher: Capstone
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9781841126609
• eBook ISBN: 9780857081858
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development

A relationship coach in a book

Ever wondered why you make the same dating mistakes time after time? What seemed so promising at first simply dwindled into yet another disappointment. Or do you rarely get beyond the first or second date? Do you yearn for a long-term relationship but find yourself drifting from relationship to relationship? Or do you feel trapped when you really just want to have fun?

Taking a step back from your busy life while taking a good yet honest and dispassionate look at yourself is never easy. Be Your Own Dating Coach is an upbeat, positive and humorous look at understanding yourself better, increasing your self-esteem, having more fun and getting the relationships you want and deserve. In short, it will show you how to coach yourself to a better love life.  Written in two halves, one for men and one for women.

Guys

CHAPTER 10

Dating Versus Relationships

If it’s unclear for women where dating ends and relationships start, I suspect that it’s even more unclear for you guys. Few of you like to feel pressured, and you often prefer the dating bit, with all its excitement and freshness, to the more predictable security of a longer-term relationship. Yet like anything else in life, you tend to get out pretty much what you put into any situation. Although I am a great fan of dating for dating’s sake, with a little care and attention all that lovely ‘newness’ of dating can blossom into something just as wonderful, months, or even years down the line.

It can be tougher for guys – you generally are the ones making the initial approach and facing possible rejection. Then you’ll probably do the follow through and a lot of the running in the early days. You ache to jump her bones on the first date and will do everything imaginable to make sure that happens, but at the same time, if there’s a chance she might be someone significant you don’t really want her to say ‘yes’ too easily. Confusing, isn’t it? And for us too. We fancy you just as much on a first date, and it certainly ain’t the lack of being horny that makes us hold off until another time. We’re neither gold-diggers nor trying to play a waiting game. We want to behave like whores in bed, but we don’t want to give you the impression that we’ve been there, done that and have a fine collection of CKs to prove it.

It’s also true, even in the twenty-first century age of the ladette, that while we can drink you under the table, beat you to promotion and shag around all we like, most of us need a little emotional connection to really enjoy ourselves in bed. Sure, we can perform well on the first meeting, but unlike you, we are not biologically programmed to spread our seed at almost every opportunity, and we need the extra intimacy to really sizzle!

That said, I appreciate that it’s tough for a lot of you to actually meet women. For sure, they seem to be there for the taking, but what if they or their mates laugh at your approach, tell you a flat ‘no way’ or simply give you a polite brush-off. Or what if they seem too eager? The ‘desperate-to-date’, however lovely she may look, gives off an aura that usually makes men head for the hills. I’ve seen the eye contact thing a lot of times. You’re in a bar or at a party. She looks at you, you look back. You both smile. You spend a lot of time glancing meaningfully at each other and suddenly you turn round and she’s gone – been chatted up by someone else, or the party’s over. Why didn’t you go over for a chat? Shyness? Nerves? Fear of rejection? Laziness? Unsure of how she’d react? Maybe a little of all of these factors from time to time. Hopefully, this book will enable you to read and interpret signals, give you more confidence – without that swaggering arrogance that is not so attractive to us girls – and learn a little about what makes women tick along the way.

MEETING GIRLS

Obvious as it might seem, you have to get out there to meet girls. And that means not just leaving your front door, but acknowledging that you want to go somewhere where your chances can be maximized. A night out in the pub after footie, a workout or a session at the local rugby club is unlikely to yield results. Hunting in a pack is also pretty off-putting to girls. A raucous bunch of tanked-up men hitting the bar on a Friday night is a whole lot less appealing than a couple of mates out on their own. Go where the girls go. We like coffee shops as much as pubs, upmarket sandwich shops and juice bars more than kebab joints and burger bars. Some of the following are obvious places to meet – others less so. It’s often not where you meet someone, but how.

Bars and pubs

The local boozer just has to be the favourite place for a boy’s night out. Good old spit ‘n’ sawdust, beer you can trust and the bar staff know your name. Nothing fancy here – just a good honest drinking establishment. And the nearest they get to a dress code is just making sure that in order not to contravene public decency laws, you are actually wearing some clothes at all.

But women tend to prefer a slightly more sophisticated atmosphere. We’re likely to go for squidgy sofas over bar stools and a decent wine list over a pint of Dog’s Bollocks or whatever … Trouble is, we also have a habit of messing around in packs, and there’s little more scary than a bunch of women, dressed to the nines, all huddling together sharing what seems to be some kind of impenetrable joke. We’re not really doing that – it’s just a kind of protective barrier. So how do you sort out the approachable ones, indicate your interest and do you make the first move?

• Firstly check out her ring finger. It’s obviously more common for women than men, to show a little bling to demonstrate their marital status, and a Friday night is a favourite time for going out with the girls. If you see a stone glinting, beware …

• Try and catch someone’s eye and smile. Not a huge tooth-baring grin, but just a hint of interest. If she looks away, but then looks up again and smiles, you might just be in there.

• Don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of totty on show; keep focused on just one or two girls that catch your eye.

• If you notice her appear to move away from her friend(s) – perhaps heading off to the loo or the bar – then try and engineer a meet. Just a ‘Hi, how are you doing?’ is fine. No cheesy chat-up lines please!

• If you then manage to get chatting, offer to buy her – and her chums-a drink. It’s amazing just how many men chat up a girl, move swiftly in for the kill, but haven’t even bothered to offer to buy her a drink first.

• Give a girl a compliment. Nothing too over the top, she’ll be concerned for various reasons if you admire her kitten heels or the size of her tits. Admiring someone’s eyes, although a little clichéd, does work well if done in the right way, at the right moment. Use your instinct as to when that might be.

If all this seems just too complicated in a busy bar or club, you could try the direct approach. It’s difficult having a meaningful conversation in a vast, noisy, crowded bar, so going up to someone who looks fun, and either asking for her number or offering her yours with a view to having a chat sometime soon when it isn’t so chaotic, can work wonders. She will feel admired and may appreciate your candour in not wanting to interrupt her evening with her mates or make her try and talk in an atmosphere not really conducive to a meeting of minds. Try it!

Parties

Parties, especially house parties, are great for single guys. There’s nearly always a connection between the host/hostess and the girl you fancy. It’s pretty easy to get talking on that basis alone. Again a smile, from the other side of the room, is a great icebreaker before making your approach. Many of the same sorts of principles above apply to parties too, but it’s worth remembering the following.

• Although parties are a great catch-up session for all those mates you haven’t seen in a while, and it’s tempting to talk sport with them ad nauseam, remember that a party doesn’t last forever. You’ll need to check out the talent sooner rather than later, or the best girls will have been snapped up. Or you’ll simply be too bladdered to care!

• Don’t rush over to the first babe who looks like she might be interested/a good lay/has all her assets on show. If that’s your inclination, leave it for a clubbing night. Parties are there for being selective.

• Don’t hit the pub until chucking-out time pre-party. Have a couple of drinks first by all means, but you’ll impress more sober than drunk. Trust me …

• Chat to a variety of people, men and women, as networking can lead to all sorts of further opportunities.

• If you get stuck with someone you don’t want to be with, or have changed your mind once you’ve got chatting, then don’t despair. Just say, ‘Excuse me, I need to go and talk to X over there.’ Firm but fair is the way to go.

• The simplest method of approaching a girl who looks interesting is simply to ask her connection with the party. ‘So how do you know James/Sarah?’ Anything starting with ‘My husband/boyfriend …’ or even ‘We …’ is probably a dead end.

• Once you’re chatting to someone who has taken your fancy, try to relax and enjoy. Ask questions, be a good listener and check out whether there’s any eye contact. And if she excuses herself to go to the loo and doesn’t return within a few minutes, or goes off to chat to someone else, take her departure in good grace. Perhaps this time the attraction wasn’t mutual; maybe next time you’ll have more success.

Clubs

Clubs can be tough places to have any sort of meaningful conversation, but great for checking out her dancing skills. If she feels comfortable, relaxed and shows serious rhythm while she’s dancing, she’ll probably demonstrate the same tendencies in the bedroom. Of course the opposite may be true too …

• Make a little effort dress-wise. Leave the football shirt and trainers for the local. A smart shirt or white T-shirt and a decent pair of chinos are always pretty safe. If your abs ain’t what they used to be, simply wear your shirt outside your trousers.

• If you see someone you like, ask her if she fancies a drink or a dance. You can be more direct in a club than in a pub. Pulling is more likely to be the name of the game.

• If she says ‘no thanks’, don’t persist, however much your mates are egging you on. And if she’s rude, ignores you or laughs – and I’m afraid that some girls are like that – forget it. She wasn’t worth knowing anyway.

• Like the bar, if you see someone you like, move over into that general direction and see if you can establish a little eye contact.

• If you do meet someone you like, by all means ask for her number, although why don’t you offer her yours? She might feel safer that way. There are some dodgy types in clubs. Alternatively, programme her number into your mobile, call it on the spot and then she’s got your number if she wants it.

• And if it looks like you’re going to score that night, just pop to the loo and buy some condoms if you need them. Most women don’t like to carry them about, sadly, for fear of being seen as loose.

The office

Unless you work in a seriously male-dominated industry, there are bound to be some cute women at work. It’s such an easy place to take life a stage further when you work with them. A recent survey showed that 87% of people who work in London and who have a partner either met through work or started dating at work. However, office romance can be rife with problems and it is worth taking on board some of the potential pitfalls before you embark on that clandestine affair with the gorgeous new girl in marketing.

• If you like a girl at work, but are unsure as to whether she might already be attached, ask her what she got up to at the weekend. Anything starting with a ‘We’ is clearly not a good sign.

• The more direct yet casual your approach is the better. An ‘I’ve had such a crazy day, do you fancy a quick drink after work?’ is better than ‘Do you fancy going out one evening?’ The former suggests mateyness, the latter a date. If the attraction isn’t mutual, it can be awkward if she thinks you’re actually asking her out.

• Beware persistence. However dashed your expectations, take a ‘no’ as just that. Many companies seriously frown on intimate relationships in the workplace and worse; you could find yourself up on a charge of sexual harassment.

• Try finding a time to chat when her work colleagues aren’t around. Her female colleagues may well have picked up on the buzz between you, even before you were aware of it. Nothing sinister there – it’s the way our antennae are programmed to work! If she’s junior to you, try to make sure that she doesn’t feel obliged to take you up on your offer for fear of missing out on promotion.

• There’s still a vestige of the casting couch in some offices too. Don’t even think about hinting at improved career prospects if you’re thinking of dating a junior member of your team.

• Remember that old saying about a woman scorned? Well, you don’t need to remember it any detail, just that the fact that fucking and chucking a senior member of staff won’t seem so much fun when you’re back on the job market.

• If you can overcome all this and you start dating someone at your level regularly, remember that you might have to see this woman on a daily basis. Can you cope with her possible rejection in due course, or indeed her reaction to yours? It can make life very awkward, especially if you work in the same office or in a small workplace.

Friends of friends …

Dependable friends have partners who have single friends or work colleagues and they are bound to know a little of your dating history as well as your likes and dislikes, so they can often be a great source of meeting single girls who may be attractive to you.

• Make sure that the friend is reliable and has your best interests at heart. There can be a lot of sport in setting up a mate with someone just ‘to see how they get on’ even if they don’t really think it’s likely to be a match made in heaven.

• Double dating can be fun. It’s all the rage in the States. If a friend has recently started dating, suggest that you hook up with them one evening and one of her single friends. Doing a group activity, such as bowling or tennis, will make it look less set up.

• If you do get set up on a solo blind date, ...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• girls
• Guys
• Further Reading
• Index