The Inner Life of the Counselor

Robert J. Wicks

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN:
  9781118193747
• Edition: 1
• eBook ISBN:
  9781118233405
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy Counselling
• Index: Psychology

One of the greatest gifts helping professionals can share with others is a sense of their own peace. However, retaining and renewing a sense of a healthy perspective requires not only self-care strategies, but also an awareness of basic profound, yet simple, wisdom themes.

The Inner Life of the Counselor presents classic and contemporary wisdom that examines and explores each of these themes in a way that both professional and non-professional helpers will find revealing and meaningful in understanding their own journey.

Informed by the author's over thirty years of experience as a therapist, mentor, and clinical supervisor of professional helpers?as well as by his expertise in resiliency and prevention of secondary stress?The Inner Life of the Counselor thoughtfully looks at those elements that encourage sustained personal growth and professional development, such as self-care, stress management, and mindfulness.

Lively, practical, and marked by an elegant sense of simplicity, this nurturing book demonstrates how exploring the inner life can lead counselors to new wisdom and inner peace?not only for themselves but also for those who come to them for relief and insight. It is an invitation to pause, reflect, renew, and navigate one of contemporary society's most challenging yet rewarding professions.

Chapter 1
Creating Space Within

In Ghana, a community of women have a saying written over the door to their residence, which states “A house is made of stones but a home is built in the hearts of people. Welcome to our home.” Reading these words and experiencing the smiles of greeting received when the door opens sets the stage for stress to be set aside for all those who enter. This is the kind of greeting all counselors and caregivers seek to offer those who enter their lives looking for help as well. Yet, for this to occur and actually be a genuine encounter with the client, there must be room within the counselor for offering such a welcome; otherwise, interpersonal “space” will be absent or contaminated. In the words of psychologist and spiritual writer Henri Nouwen (1975):

When we think back to the places where we felt most at home, we quickly see that it was where our hosts gave us the precious freedom to come and go on our own terms and did not claim us for their own needs. Only in a free space can re-creation take place and new life be found. The real host is one who offers that space where we do not have to be afraid and where we can listen to our own inner voices and find our own personal way of being human. But to be such a host we have to first of all be at home in our own house. (pp. 72–73)

In a similar vein, David Brazier, author of Zen Therapy (1995), reminds those in the helping professions that “The therapist models stillness and is not frightened by the client nor what they present. The client feels driven, but the therapist demonstrates that this is not inevitable” (p. 61). A sense of presence and mindfulness on the part of the counselor allows this to be possible. Yet, while creating this space through being mindful is quite simple and powerful, it is not easy—even if we as counselors proclaim our commitment to such an approach to counseling and life.

I remember what I found to be a typical and humorous experience for me on this reality. I had just finished reading a section of a quite informative book on mindfulness and psychotherapy by Germer, Siegel, and Fulton (2005). As I was preparing dinner, the key concept of the book kept coming back to me: Be in the present moment with a true sense of openness. As I was recalling this valuable lesson, I was also in the process of placing my dinner in the oven to be cooked. I was so enthralled with the concept of mindfulness that they were encouraging that I was distracted from what I was actually doing and abruptly burnt my hand on the hot rack in the oven. So much for really being truly mindful!

AUTHENTICITY AND TRANSPARENCY

What we request and expect of others, we must be faithful to in ourselves. A young pastoral counselor put it this way:

The Zulu tribe’s most common greeting is Sawubona, which translates, “I see you.” The response, Ngikhona, translates, “I am here.” It is our relationships where we are liberated, when we are truly seen through the mirror of another. Pastoral counseling is saying intently to a client, “I see you.” Going into a client’s inner landscape with her is based on her trust. I believe this trust is built through relating Sawubona to the client. Truly seeing a client and maintaining unconditional appreciation opens the door to a strong therapeutic alliance that fosters trust. Within this context of trust, the client is able to go into her inner landscape, look about, and say, Sawubona, “I see you.”

However, this same counselor realizes that for this process to take place, it must constantly be taking place in her as well. She goes on to say:

I recently saw a cartoon depicting Socrates, in robe and sandals, holding a sign that states “Know Thyself.” A man with a blank stare replies, “How boring.” Today’s culture is virtually swimming in self-help books, promising fulfillment and happiness and, in the midst of the deluge, it seems the simple, deep truth of the Greek aphorism gnothi seauton (know thyself) has either been lost, or has been watered down into 12 easy steps.

What has been remarkable to me, as I have gained counseling experience over the past 2 years, is how little clients know of themselves. And what has been even more remarkable to discover, is how very little I know of myself. This has led me to view my inner landscape as a territory, partially discovered, partially untouched land. Some of the territory I enjoy and cultivate well. It has been weeded and pruned, and is a comfortable place. Some of the land is wholly untended, and it is my instinct to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that the land evokes. However, when I do find myself in that territory (and it often happens by surprise), if I can stick around long enough to do a little weeding and pruning, it eventually becomes a peaceful place to dwell.

No one is immune to forgetting their value and need, even those whose life is outwardly committed to being informally mindful (being present, open, and aware), and are involved in the practice of daily formal meditation. This can be especially true when in a caregiving role. An example of this comes to mind when I think of my time working with the English-speaking helpers in Cambodia who were trying to help the Khmer people rebuild their country after years of terror and torture.

Following a presentation to a group of relief workers and NGOs (persons from nongovernmental organizations), an American Buddhist who was working there at the time asked to meet with me privately. She said she was worried about a young Khmer Buddhist who was helping in a local hospital with those persons who had lost limbs from stepping on mines while farming.

Many of the mines placed by different factions during the Cambodian conflict were cleared by the United States Special Forces after the conflict. However, some of the mines were made of plastic, so when the flooding season came, mines from unclear areas sometimes floated into previously cleared areas, and then when the unsuspecting farmers went back into the rice paddies with the assurance it was safe, they would sometimes step on a mine and lose either one or both of their legs.

In the hospital and afterward, the Society of Friends (the Quakers) attempted to deal with this situation by setting up a system in which the patients could be fitted with prosthetic devices so they could walk and be active again. However, before this process took place, the Khmers who had undergone this tragedy would naturally suffer both psychologically and physically. It was during this phase of their recovery that this young Buddhist would visit and console them. His mentor told me that experiencing this suffering day-after-day was very upsetting to him, and he was becoming depressed. It was starting to take a real psychological toll on him, and she was worried about him developing vicarious posttraumatic stress disorder.

When I asked her how he was doing processing the aftermath of such an experience in a brief meditative period, before he returned home, she looked at me with a blank expression and said, “Why, I never thought of having him do that.” I then suggested that she have him begin this exploratory process to see how it would help and also suggested other procedures with her on self-care, personal debriefing, the use of mentoring, and other processes of regaining perspective.

Each day we must consciously seek to be mindful and have brief—as well as hopefully longer—meditative periods of formal mindfulness so there is space within us as well as space for others. When I work with physicians and nurses, I use the parallel of the medical model to bring this point across. I let them know that the hospital or health care facility is one of the few places where employees are encouraged to wash their hands not only after they go to the bathroom so they don’t run the risk of contaminating others but also before they go to the bathroom, so they don’t run the risk of contaminating themselves with the infections of the patients with whom they have just been in contact.

As counselors, psychologically, and some may say spiritually, it is essential to have space:

• Before you begin your clinical practice each day so that you are centered before beginning to see your counseling clients or therapy patients
• Between clients so you don’t contaminate your next client with the issues of the last one
• Once your day of consultations is done so you don’t contaminate your family at home or remain absorbed with the negativity you may have experienced during the day

Having such spaces of time to accomplish this is not a nicety; it is a necessity. Otherwise, slowly but surely the insidious depletion of energy and the destruction of a healthy perspective will start to take place. Chronic secondary stress (what some would refer to as “burnout”) can be like psychological carbon monoxide poisoning or undergoing a slow, quiet reverse spiritual transfusion. Without knowing it, you become drained, lose the original sense of meaning and mission that counseling reflects and should be, and the negative or stressful aspects of clinical practice become more pronounced while the positive realities of the work lose parity. And so, taking various steps back, each day, is essential—especially for counselors.

Still, knowing this and actually practicing it seems so unrealistic for many counselors. This is the first fallacy, point of denial, or cognitive distortion that must be confronted in caring for your inner life as a counselor or caregiver. Once you do this, several key elements involved in stepping back from the “drivenness” of your own life should be honored. This includes valuing the sincerity and humility that molds an attitude that directly or indirectly opens up space and atrophies unhealthy self-centeredness.

Sincerity is one of the key elements of effective counseling and leading a life of meaning. Even though we read and attend Continuing Education Units (CEUs) to learn new therapeutic techniques—as, of course, we should—somewhere in our consciousness there is a sense of respect for the person of the counselor and some doubt or anxiety about whether we are up to being that person or not.

Fortunately, if such doubts are faced directly, they can become gates to new learning and commitment as well as fres...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Table of Contents
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• In that Place of Sanity: The Inner Life of the Counselor
• Chapter 1: Creating Space Within
• Chapter 2: Valuing and Accessing Alonetime
• Chapter 3: Recognizing the Cues of Subtle “Mindlessness”
• Chapter 4: Learning the Art of Leaning Back
• Chapter 5: Experiencing a New Type of Counselor Self-Nurturance
• Chapter 6: Alonetime as a University: Honoring the Wisdom of Mentors of Mindfulness
• APPENDIX: Retreat and Reflect: Enjoying a Fresh Experience of Your Own Inner Life
• A Brief Final Comment on a Counselor’s Inner Renewal in Alonetime
• About the Author
• Recommended Readings
• References
• Bibliography
• Permissions
• Acknowledgments
• Author Index
• Subject Index
• End User License Agreement