Insomnia

A Novel

Sarah Pinborough

• Publisher: William Morrow
• Year: 2022
• eBook ISBN:
  9780062856876
• Print ISBN:
  9780062856869
• Subtopic: Literature General

Named One of the Best Thrillers by the Washington Post

"Possibly my favorite of Pinborough's yet, and that's saying something. It's an absolute rollercoaster of a ride: twist upon twist, expertly handled. I actually gasped out loud several times. So atmospheric and sexy… A triumph!" — Lucy Foley, New York Times bestselling author, on Dead to Her

In this mind-bending domestic thriller from the bestselling author of Behind Her Eyes, Emma Averell worries that her sudden insomnia is a sign that she's slowly going insane—like the mother she's worked so hard to leave in her past, soon to be a series on Paramount+

In the dead of night, madness lies...

Emma Averell loves her life—her high-powered legal career, her two beautiful children, and her wonderful stay-at-home husband—but it wasn't always so perfect. When she was just five years old, Emma and her older sister went into foster care because of a deeply disturbing incident with their mother. Her sister can remember a time when their mother was loving and "normal," but Emma can only remember her as one thing—a monster.

And that monster emerged right around their mother's fortieth birthday, the same milestone Emma is approaching now.

Emma desperately wants to keep her childhood trauma in the past, but as she stops being able to sleep, she also can't stop thinking about what happened all those years ago. Is the madness in her blood? Could she end up hurting her family in her foggy, half-awake state, just like her mother? This question of generational trauma haunts her every waking moment. Or is there another explanation for the strange things that keep happening around her? As an increasingly unreliable narrator of her own life, Emma must unravel the dark strands of her past to protect the people she loves… or risk losing it all, including her sanity.

Unsettling and utterly addicting, Insomnia is a heart-pounding page-turner of a thriller that will have you up all night.

1.

TWELVE DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY

There’s someone in the house.

It’s not a complete thought, but something feral, more instinctive, and I sit up, suddenly awake, my heart racing. The clock clicks to 1:13 a.m. and I stay very still, listening hard, sure I’m going to hear a creak from the hallway or see a threatening shadow emerge from a dark corner of the room. But there’s nothing. Just the patter of rain on the windows and the hum of night quiet.

My skin has prickled. Something woke me. Not a dream. Something else. Something in the house. I can’t shake the feeling, like when I was small and the nightmares would grip me so hard I would be sure I was back in that night and my foster mother would run in to calm me down before I woke the whole house.

Robert is fast asleep, on his side facing away from me. I don’t wake him. It’s probably nothing, but still, I’m alert with worry. The children.

I won’t be able to get back to sleep until I’ve checked on them and so I get up, shivers trembling up my body from my bare feet on the carpet, and I creep out onto the landing.

I feel very small as I look along the central corridor, the gloom making it appear endless, a monster’s yawning mouth ahead of me. I walk forward—I am a mother and a wife. A career woman. This is my house. My safe place—and wish I’d brought my phone with me to use as a flashlight. I peer over the landing banisters. Nothing moves in the dark shadows below. No thump of burglars shifting possessions in the night. No menace.

A flurry of wind drives the rain hard into our cathedral feature window, startling me. I go to the end of the corridor, where it cuts into the wall, a perfect arch of black. I cup my hands around my eyes and press my face against the cold glass, but all I can make out is the vague shape of trees. No light. No activity. Still, I shiver again as I turn back and head down the L bend ahead to the kids’ rooms. Footsteps dancing on my grave.

I feel better once I’ve pushed open Will’s door. My little boy, five years old and at big school now, is asleep on his back, the dinosaur duvet kicked away, and his dark hair, so like mine, is mussed up from sweat. Maybe he’s been having a bad night too. I carefully cover him up, but gentle as I’m trying to be, he stirs and his eyes open.

“Mummy?” He’s blurry, confused, but when I smile, he does too, and wriggles onto his side. His sketchbook is under his pillow and I slide it out.

“No wonder you woke up,” I whisper. “Sleeping on this.” It’s open on his most recent enthusiastic crayon drawing and I turn it this way and that in the gloom, trying to make out what it is. If I’m honest, it looks like a dog that’s been run over. Twice.

“It’s a dinosaur,” Will says, and laughs and then yawns, as if even he knows drawing may not be his finest skill and he’s cool with that.

“Of course it is.” I put the notebook on the table by his bed and kiss him good night. He’s almost asleep again already and probably won’t even remember this in the morning.

I go to Chloe’s room next and she too is lost to the world, blond hair fanned out on the pillow, a sleeping princess straight from a fairy tale, even though, at seventeen and a staunch modern feminist, she’d be quick to tell me that fairy tales are misogynistic rubbish. I go back to my own room, ridiculing myself for having been so afraid.

I get back into bed and curl up, Robert barely stirring. It’s only one thirty. If I fall asleep now, then I can get another four hours in before I have to get up. Sleep should come easily—it always has in this busy, exhausting, exhilarating life I lead, so I snuggle down and wait to drift. It doesn’t happen.

At three a.m. I check my emails—a midnight congratulations from Angus Buckley, my boss, for my result in court yesterday with the Stockwell divorce custody hearing—and then scan the news on my phone and go to the loo. Robert almost wakes then, but only enough to mutter something unintelligible and fling one heavy arm over me as I get back into bed. After that I lie there, my head whirring with my schedule for the fast-approaching day, becoming more and more frustrated that I’m going to be facing it tired. I’ve got to be at the office at seven thirty and it’s rare for me to get home before twelve hours later and that’s only if I can get away without going for the obligatory drinks. There’s no room for slacking. Especially not now. I’m in line to be the youngest partner in the firm. But I love my work, I really do.

I practice some yoga breathing, trying to relax every muscle in my body and empty my mind, which sounds so easy but normally results in my pondering stupid things like whether there’s enough milk in the fridge or if we should change our gas supplier, and although my heart rate slows I still don’t sleep.

It’s going to be a long day.

2.

ELEVEN DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY

Work is busy. By ten forty-five I’ve had two conferences, dealt with some billing, and returned calls to three more clients to calmly explain that I can’t make the courts work any quicker, nor can I speed up responses from their partners’ solicitors, however infuriating the delays might be, and that each time I have to call to reassure them, it’s costing them money. People always seem to be hastier to exit a marriage than they ever were to get into one.

I check my mobile. There are three missed calls from a number I don’t know, but whoever it is will have to wait. I’ve got something else to deal with first. Alison.

There’s a knock at my door and I take a deep breath. Alison is never easy.

“Come in.”

Alison Canwick is in her mid-fifties and of the mind-set that age in and of itself brings authority, and the fact that she’s been a solicitor for a lot longer than me should supersede the fact that she’s junior to me. If I make partner, she might actually kill me.

“Well done with the ex Mrs. McGregor.” I smile as I wave her to a seat she doesn’t take. “She must be happy with the result.”

“As happy as someone can be when their husband of thirty years has run off into his sunset with a woman the same age as their eldest daughter.”

Just take the praise, I want to say. Alison’s forte is angry wives who want vengeance. I’m not even sure they all do want vengeance, but Alison fires them up to go for broke, just as she did herself when her husband left her for another woman ten years ago. Maybe if she stopped fueling rage in others, her own might fade. As it is, the McGregor result was all right, but it wasn’t entirely in her client’s favor. I only complimented her to try to smooth what I’m about to say.

“Well, yes, there is that.” I sit even though she’s still standing. “It’s about your billable hours,” I say, and her face tightens. Here we go. “You’ve been below eighty percent for two weeks now, and I thought I’d check that you weren’t under any pressures that we don’t—”

“I’m sure that stupid computer program doesn’t always log everything right.”

“Please, Alison, let me finish.” That’s the other thing. Alison is never wrong. Nor can she ever admit weakness. “I’m not pulling you up on it,” I lie, “I just want to make sure you’re okay. You’re normally so good at hitting the targets.” To be fair to her, that last is true. She’s quite competitive and she might not always be on top of things, but she definitely knows we need to be at 80 percent minimum of our working hours being ones we can charge for.

“I’m fine,” she says, disgruntled. “I’ll make sure it’s better from now on.”

“Any problems, I’m here to help.” The moment the words come out I can see it was the wrong thing to say. Her jaw tightens and her eyes flash with indignation.

“I’ll bear that in mind.” She squeezes the words out through gritted teeth.

A second knock at the door saves us both. Rosemary, my secretary, also in her fifties but someone who oozes warmth and joy at the world, comes in carrying a large ...

Table of contents

• Dedication
• Epigraph
• Contents
• Prologue
• 1.
• 2.
• 3.
• 4.
• 5.
• 6.
• 7.
• 8.
• 9.
• 10.
• 11.
• 12.
• 13.
• 14.
• 15.
• 16.
• 17.
• 18.
• 19.
• 20.
• 21.
• 22.
• 23.
• 24.
• 25.
• 26.
• 27.
• 28.
• 29.
• 30.
• 31.
• 32.
• 33.
• 34.
• 35.
• 36.
• 37.
• 38.
• 39.
• 40.
• 41.
• 42.
• 43.
• 44.
• 45.
• 46.
• 47.
• 48.
• 49.
• 50.
• 51.
• 52.
• 53.
• 54.
• 55.
• 56.
• 57. Caroline
• 58. Emma
• 59. Caroline
• 60. Emma
• 61. Caroline
• 62. Emma
• 63. Caroline
• 64. Emma
• 65.
• Epilogue
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author
• Also by Sarah Pinborough
• Copyright
• About the Publisher