Coach the Person, Not the Problem

A Guide to Using Reflective Inquiry

Marcia Reynolds

• Publisher: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781523087853
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Formazione e tutoraggio
• Index: Business

Master one of coaching's toughest skills—using reflective inquiry to help clients see themselvesand their world through new eyes: "An essential resource." —Deb Giffen, Wharton Executive Education Coaches rely far too much on asking open-ended questions, says Marcia Reynolds, a founding member of the coaching movement. But questions only seek answers—inquiry provides insight. When, instead of just questions, clients hear their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs spoken by someone else, it prompts them to critically consider how their thinking affects their goals. In this book, Reynolds cites the latest brain science to show why reflective inquiry works—and provides techniques, tips, and structures for creating breakthrough conversations.Freeing coaches from the cult of asking the magical question, she offers five essential practices of reflective inquiry:

• Focus on the person, not the problem
• Summarize what is heard and expressed
• Identify underlying beliefs and assumptions
• Unwrap the desired outcome
• Articulate insights and commitments

Using these practices, combined with a respectful and caring presence, helps create a space where clients feel safe, seen, and valued for who they are. Coaches become change agents who actively recharge the human spirit. And clients naturally dive deeper and develop personalized solutions that may surprise even the coach.

PART I

WHAT IS A COACHING CONVERSATION?

Coaching is so much more than asking good questions.

—MARCIA REYNOLDS

THE FOUNDING MEMBERS of the International Coaching Federation asked the question, “What makes coaching different from therapy and consulting?” The ICF definition of coaching emerged from this conversation:

Coaching is partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.¹

The key word in the definition is partnering. Coaches do not act as experts or analysts even when they have relevant experience and education. Coaches are essentially thinking partners focused on helping clients use their creativity and resources to see beyond their blocks and solve their own problems.

The passion and commitment that fuels the continual growth of coaching is grounded in the coaching experience for both coach and client. For me—when I don’t give in to my urge to advise—nothing is more fulfilling than seeing my clients laugh at themselves when they realize they’ve been clinging to an outdated belief. I love the spark in their eyes when they discover the answer to their problems on their own. They feel relief and gratitude when they recognize they won’t be hurting anyone by following their dreams. When I feel the courage in my clients bubble up, it’s my pleasure to help them put their desires into motion.

People need to feel seen, heard, and valued to have the desire to grow. In this space, their creative brains are activated. They feel safe enough to explore their own thinking and actions. Surfacing their judgments and fears may feel uncomfortable, but when clients see how to move beyond these blocks, they feel empowered.

Although many gurus have been cited as saying people are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, this concept was first seen in the work of psychologist Alfred Adler. Adler asked us to believe in the power people feel when realizing their potential. He said, “Man knows much more than he understands.”²

In breaking away from the ideas of his teacher Sigmund Freud, Adler said we do not have to plumb the depths of one’s psychological history to help normal people progress. If, as Adler said, “we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations,” then changing or expanding the meaning opens new possibilities to define ourselves and our actions.³

Adler’s perspective spawned many modern therapies. The regard Adler held for the masses is a foundational concept for coaching. For people who are not seeking therapy but know they will benefit from exploring how they think when unsure of decisions or actions, coaching fills the gap.

WHERE DOES THE TERM REFLECTIVE INQUIRY COME FROM?

We owe gratitude to Adler for defining the coaching relationship. Yet even though coaching may be similar to cognitive behavioral therapies and question-based relationship consulting, the actual practice of coaching maps more directly to John Dewey’s learning theory than to a therapeutic or commercial approach.

In 1910, Dewey defined the practice of reflective inquiry in his classic book, How We Think.⁴ As an educational reformer, Dewey wanted to change the practice of dumping information into students’ brains and then testing their memorization skills. He wasn’t just advocating for teachers to ask more questions. He defined methods of inquiry that would prompt students to doubt what they thought they knew so they were open to expansive learning.

Dewey felt that combining the tools that provoke critical thinking with Socratic questioning would prompt students to go inward to give their thoughts serious consideration. They would then be able to distinguish what they know from what they don’t know, confirm or negate a stated belief, and substantiate the value of a fear or doubt. He said that metaphorically, reflective inquiry enables us to climb a tree in our minds.⁵ We gain a wider view to see connections and faults in our thinking to better assess what to do next.

WATCHING THE MOVIE FROM THE TOP OF THE TREE

Reflective inquiry includes statements that hold up a mirror to our thoughts and beliefs to provoke evaluation. The practice of mirroring, or what I call active replay, includes when the coach summarizes, paraphrases, acknowledges key phrases, and shares the emotions and gestures clients express. Clients then expand on the meaning of their words with explanations or corrections. They may drop into silence, shifting their eyes up, down, or sideways as they look into their thoughts. Coaches will often pause to let their clients think. If the pause is unbearably long, the coach might offer a reflection and question such as “It looks like you are considering something. What is coming up for you now?”

When coaches use reflective statements, people hear their words, see how their beliefs form their perceptions, and face the emotions they are expressing. Then, when coaches follow up with a confirming question (“Is this what you believe?”) or exploratory question (“What is causing your hesitation?”), clients are prompted to stop and examine their thinking.

We use reflective statements plus questions to trigger people to reflect on how they think.

Coaching behaviors include noticing energy shifts, tone of voice, pace of speech, inflection, and behaviors. Coaches play back clients’ beliefs and assumptions to examine their verity and limitations. They summarize complex outcomes and possibilities, offering the statements to clients to accept or alter. They offer observations when clients show resistance. They reflect progress to reinforce movement and growth. The goal of offering reflective statements is not to lead clients in a specific direction but to help them clarify and evaluate their thoughts.

By using reflective practices, coaches encourage clients to think about what they said and expressed. The coach accepts the client’s responses, even if the client gets defensive or uncomfortable. Giving clients a judgment-free space to process the coaching observations is critical to their progress.

John Dewey may not have been successful at transforming our educational systems, but his gift of defining how to grow people’s minds can be seen in the actions of trained coaches.

COACHING ISN’T RAH-RAH

Most people I know like the idea of having someone act as a sounding board when they feel stuck trying to think through a dilemma. Talking about a problem can help people look at how their thoughts help or hinder their goal achievement. They don’t want nonspecific encouragement. “You can do it” statements feel patronizing, especially to the high achiever.

In fact, good coaching isn’t always comfortable. Learning often happens in a moment of awkward uncertainty—when we come to doubt the beliefs and assumptions that underlie our choices. Dewey also acknowledged the discomfort that accompanies doubt as inherent in the process of learning. A surprising fact, disruptive reflection, or incisive question is needed to break down what we think we know. Then, we are open to learning. The breakdown doesn’t always feel good. Yet over time, we usually are grateful for the insights we gain.

For example, I had a boss who had this uncanny ability to read me. He knew what drove me, what I desperately wanted, and what barriers my own brain created that got in my way. His questions broke through the walls in my mind so I could see my blind spots. My realizations were often painful, but I knew what I had to do differently.

Once, when I was on a rampage about the incompetency of my peers and the overload of work I then had to do, he said, “It seems that everyone disappoints you.” As I paused to think about his observation, he added, “Will anyone ever be good enough for you?” There was nothing left for me to say.

Back at my desk, I wondered if I had always focused on other people’s flaws. I saw how this pattern had hurt my personal relationships for years. With one reflection plus one question, he made me face how I was playing out this pattern at work. I would never see my work relationships the same again.

His observation and question made me stop and question my thinking, which was terribly uncomfortable. In the midst of this discomfort, I became more conscious of how I distanced myself from others by my need to prove I was better than them. I wanted to be a leader. Instead, I was a complainer. The painful truth led me to learn how I could better work with others and, someday, lead them.

The best coaches make us recognize we have gaps in our reasoning. The moment we become unsure of what we know, learning happens. This is good coaching.

Even if all clients need from you in the moment is to be a sounding board as they sort through their thoughts, we can still use curiosity to partner with them to see themselves and the world in a broader way. Coaches facilitate this process in the way that Dewey imagined was possible.

WE’VE DRIFTED AWAY FROM THE INTENTION OF COACHING

My second master’s degree is in adult learning/instructional design. I’ll never forget a professor saying we should always tell students what they would be tested on so they could focus their learning. As a student, I loved this advice. My hope was to get an A in the class. I wasn’t considering how I would apply what I learned when I graduated. I just wanted to learn enough to be an A student.

I still believe you should test what you teach, but a growing number of students in coach training programs worldwide are demanding to learn specific coaching steps to earn their credentials. The focus of learning has shifted to the test and away from the client relationship. ICF efforts to legitimize coaching by making it data-driven often overshadow the intention of coaching. Taking an evidence-based approach to limit assessor subjectivity is important, and behavioral descriptions are useful for trainers and mentors, but transferring specific requirements to students has contributed to thinking of coaching as a formulaic process. In attempts to make coaching memorable, the heart of coaching is disappearing.

The identified coaching competencies were never intended to be a checklist of behaviors. I was a part of the ICF leadership when the competencies were written. The focus was on the transformational experience where people learned from the inside out. The competencies weren’t meant to be taken in any order other than the beginning and ending—to determine where the conversation is going and then to close it out with a commitment. The remaining competencies reflected how present coaches are with their clients. Coaches need to fully receive what their clients say and express with no judgment. Then they could competently be curious about intentions and meaning. There isn’t one right way to coach; coaching is a spontaneous process between the coach and client.

Coaching competencies provide the framework to facilitate self-discovery. They are not a check list of required statements and questions.

The early ICF leaders committed to building the coaching profession because of the positive impact we believed coaching would make in the world. The emphasis was on establishing a safe and caring relationship between coach and client so people felt seen and valued. Then, once agreement was reached on the outcome they would attempt to achieve, the conversation flowed naturally from the coach’s curiosity. The coach was not recalling memorized lists, models, and formulas. I am happy to see that the 2020 updated ICF competencies better reflect the aspirations of the founding members.

Coaching is more than reflecting and asking questions. Coaches must create a bond of trust that deepens over time. The relationship is essential for the coach to be an effective thinking partner. The courage, care, and curiosity coaches feel, and the belief they have in their clients’ potential, make the competencies work.

During my first class at my coaching school, the founder, Thomas Leonard, said we can learn how to coach only by getting out there and coaching people. We resisted, saying we didn’t know what to do. He said we would learn enough to start coaching after the first class, and then we should “just go love them.”

I have used this advice for over twenty years. Most times, I feel my clients love me back.

I want to bring the heart as well as the art of coaching into all of our conversations about coaching. I wrote this book to be a guide for all people who use coaching, regardless of the school they attend, the credential they earn, and the role they play.

Although part II provides practices that will ensure coaching effectiveness, the mental habits in part III are essential for establishing the relationship that makes coaching so powerful. You won’t find lists of what you should ask and say. You will discover how you can expand people’s capacity to learn and grow together in our complex, uncertain world. I honor you for choosing this journey.

CHAPTER 1

WHAT MAKES COACHING THE PERSON SO POWERFUL?

Ideas are our rules—for better or worse.

—JOHN DEWEY

USING COACHING SKILLS has become a critical competency for leadership in global companies. Coaching credentials are required by most corporate buyers when hiring external coaches, even when they aren’t sure what the credentials represent.

On the consumer side, awareness of the value of coaching is growing.¹ Unfortunately, according to the Federal Trade Commission, some people still lose a great deal of money to those who sell “business coaching packages” that promise big money from their programs.² Though the number of individuals hiring coaches is growing worldwide, we still have work to do to teach the public how to evaluate if coaches and programs adhere to professional standards so the value of professional coaching continues to grow.

The success and ongoing growth of coaching is due to one fact: it works. Other attempts at motivation and influence aren’t as effective.

HOW COACHING WORKS

Most people don’t relate coaching to the important work of John Dewey. They will tell you coaching came from the first founders of coaching schools, the teachings of Sir John Whitmore or Carl Rogers, neurolinguistic programming masters, or their favorite leadership book. These are great sources of coaching tools. The reason these tools work could be found in John Dewey’s writing long before our current coaching gurus were born.

Coaching is valuable because none of us transform our thinking on our own. Humans are masters at rationalizing hastily made choices no matter how logical we think we are. We’re also exceptional at bla...