Quit Church

Because Your Life Would Be Better If You Did

Chris Sonksen

• Publisher: Baker Books
• Year: 2018
• eBook ISBN:
  9781493407798
• Print ISBN:
  9780801093241
• Topic: Theology & Religion

Let's face it. Church isn't working. We hear sermons about the abundant life Jesus promised, but how many of us are actually living it? How many of our churches are thriving? How many people in our congregations are experiencing God's blessings? Maybe it's time to call it quits.

Quit church? Well, not exactly.

Drawing from his experience coaching hundreds of churches toward true growth, Chris Sonksen calls on us to quit our casual, cultural commitment to church as we know it. No more half-hearted attempts to win the favor of God and other people by doing the right thing. No more doing things out of a sense of duty. Instead, Sonksen reveals the spiritual habits that release the blessings of God, both on each individual and on the church. He explains why we struggle to put these practices into action and gives practical solutions to move us forward into health, growth, and maturity.

One
Quit Expecting to Wake Up in Heaven

It was about 11:45 p.m., and my plane had landed in Seattle. I was definitely tired from a full day of traveling. I grabbed my belongings and headed through the terminal to the ground-transportation area. I was going to catch the shuttle that would take me to my hotel. As the doors opened up, I was hit by the extremely cold weather that only January could provide. I have lived in Southern California my whole life, so any time it drops below fifty degrees, I think hypothermia is going to kick in. One of the airport employees told me that it was nineteen degrees. That may feel normal to you, but it is anything but normal for me.

I found my way to the shuttle area, and there was one other gentleman standing there. I put my bags down and started to walk around a bit to keep warm. Several minutes went by, and still no shuttle. The man who was waiting with me was clearly getting more and more frustrated. He never said anything to me directly, but under his breath he was mumbling a variety of phrases that can’t be repeated in this book. He was upset that it was cold and that we had been waiting now for quite some time.

After about fifteen minutes the shuttle arrived. The driver jumped out of the vehicle and quickly apologized for his delay. He shared that there had been a problem with his last vehicle and he had to get another one from the hotel. This man’s apology was genuine and heartfelt, but it made no difference to the man who was waiting with me. He complained to the driver about the weather, his long day and the amount of time he had had to wait. The driver continued to apologize and never lost his cool, but that didn’t make any difference to this man. He clearly wasn’t happy. We boarded the shuttle and drove to the hotel. The man still had a few more comments as we made our way down the road. As we exited the shuttle, I kindly let the irritated man go in front of me—partially because he was already upset and I didn’t want to aggravate him anymore, and partially because he was bigger than I was and I didn’t want to get hurt.

The person behind the hotel counter began to check him in. The man proceeded to tell the clerk how frustrated he was, how long he had had to wait, how long of a day he had had, and how bad the weather was. The person behind the counter did a great job keeping a smile on her face and apologizing for any inconvenience the hotel had caused. After a few signatures (and several complaints), the man received the key to his room and was told by the woman at the counter that when he got off the elevator his room would be immediately to the right. The man looked at her with frustration, and I knew exactly what was about to happen. He said, “Are you telling me this room is next to the elevator?”

She responded, “Yes. Is that a problem?”

The man’s voice raised as he said, “Yeah, it’s a problem. I don’t want to be next to the elevator. I won’t be able to sleep hearing that thing go up and down all night. Put me in another room.”

She explained, “I’m sorry sir but that is the only room we have available.” He went ballistic. He told her that he had frequented this hotel chain often and that he should be taken care of above anyone else. He also rehashed the same story that I had now heard three times. He complained about the kind of day he had had, the long travel, the waiting for the shuttle, the weather—and now he railed at her about the room next to the elevator. Although he went off for a while, she continued to say, “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have any other rooms available. This is all we have for you.” I was standing behind the man waiting my turn, but I must say, I was thinking to myself, If you don’t have any other rooms, what’s going to happen to me? The man grabbed his things, mumbled, complained, and rushed off down the hallway, stating that he was going to speak to the management and that he would never come back to this hotel.

I approached the counter and said to the clerk, “You are doing a great job. I know sometimes things can be tough when it comes to customer service, but you are doing awesome and handling everything so well.”

She put the biggest smile on her face and said to me, “Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that.”

I gave her my name and my credit card and told her I was checking in. I must admit I was still wondering if there was a room for me. She started looking at her computer screen and said to me, “We are all sold out. Somehow we overbooked. I am really sorry about this, but I guess I will just have to put you in a suite.”

This of course put a big smile on my face. Instead of being next to the elevator like the other guy, I was booked into a suite. I have no idea why she didn’t offer the other man a suite—maybe it was because of his attitude—but nonetheless I was happy to receive these wonderful accommodations.

What does this story about the man with the bad attitude have to do with this chapter? Well, if we’re honest, we will all admit to having a similar demeanor when we walk through church doors on any given Sunday morning. We get frustrated by something we don’t like, and we may even share it with other people, oftentimes completely ignoring the damage we are causing to both believers and nonbelievers. In doing so, we create tension and disunity in the church body. The end result is that the kingdom of God loses. And we lose too.

Why Do People Get Frustrated with Their Church?

The reasons for people’s frustration in a church vary. Maybe they are upset because of a style change in the church. Maybe a certain program they love and believe in has ended. Maybe they feel like the decisions being made about finances are not the decisions they would make if they were in charge. Maybe they see a change in leadership that they don’t agree with or don’t understand. Maybe the methods are different than what they would choose. Maybe the church is putting a stronger emphasis on outreach, and in their opinion ignoring discipleship. This list isn’t exhaustive. Not always seeing eye to eye is normal. Having different opinions is normal. But what is sad and breaks the heart of God is that many individuals who get frustrated or leave the church respond in an unloving and ungodly manner, and it creates a chain of negative results.

Where does all of this frustration come from? I believe James 4:1–2 gives us insight about where this problem stems from: “What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have.” Isn’t that really the problem? We want our way, and when we don’t get it, we get upset. Whether it’s the man at the hotel or you in the church you attend, if we don’t get our way, we get upset. Many of us create a lot of pain, heartache, and damage to the kingdom of God.

A good friend who is pastor of a large church in Asia once told me, “I would never want to pastor in America. The people of your country have no idea what loyalty is.” He went on to say, “The people in my country don’t leave a church simply because they get upset or because they don’t like something. They work it out and talk it out, but they don’t abandon their spiritual family. We are loyal to Jesus and loyal to our church family.”

Loyalty in America runs paper-thin. One of the reasons for this problem is the wide variety of choices we have. This get-what-you-want-when-you-want-it system has bled into other areas of our lives, including our church life. If we aren’t happy with something in the church, or if something doesn’t go our way, we simply wander down the street to the next church or isolate ourselves from relationships and watch our favorite church online. The only problem with this solution is that as soon as the new pastor or church doesn’t live up to our expectations or do things the way we think they should be done, we head off to the next church.

Your Church Will Never Be Perfect

Let me clarify some misunderstandings you may have about your church. It isn’t perfect. Your pastor isn’t perfect. The leadership isn’t perfect. The people who attend, and that includes you, aren’t perfect. Nothing is perfect about your church except Jesus. So because no one in your church is perfect and it is made up of imperfect people, there are and always will be problems. As I always say, “If you find the perfect church, don’t go there, because once you do, it won’t be perfect anymore.” Yes, it is sarcastic, but it is nevertheless true. None of us, including and especially me, is perfect. This chapter is titled “Quit Expecting to Wake Up in Heaven” because your church isn’t heaven. Quit looking for the perfect church; it isn’t out there.

We are called to give our heart, prayer, love, support, faithfulness, loyalty, encouraging words, and positive attitude to the church that God has us at. There may be times when someone you know in the church starts to complain or become negative. When that happens, just remember that you are not responsible for other people’s responses; you are responsible only for your own. You do what is pleasing in the sight of God when it comes to your church, and the rest is in his hands.

I am not saying that no matter what happens, stay in the church and keep supporting it. There are some rare occasions when exiting (without talking to everyone about it) may be the right thing to do. But in my experience, leaving should be the exception and not the rule. It should never be our initial response. Too many people, when things don’t go their way, respond with negative words and painful reactions, and ultimately abandon their spiritual families. This is not what God intended for his bride. God’s desire for the local church is that we operate in a spirit of unity and love; that we are faithful to each other, encourage each other, and believe the best about each other; that we speak words of life to each other and about each other.

Again, your church isn’t perfect. No church is perfect. The imperfection found in all of us can create tension. How do we handle it? How does God want us to operate and function in his body of believers called the church? God loves his church and every person who attends it. He wants us to have healthy relationships with each other, to act and react in a healthy and godly manner, and to be a family that he can be proud of and that people on the outside want to be a part of. This is the kind of family God wants. This is the way he wants us to be with each other.

Mark 3 shows both confusion and dissension among the religious people and the crowds that were following Jesus. Jesus said to them, “If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand” (v. 24 NIV). The heart of Jesus shines through in his statement to these people and still rings loud to us in our generation. He wants us to love each other, not to argue with each other; to build each other up, not to tear each other down; to encourage each other, not to discourage each other; to support the pastor, leaders, and members of the church we attend, not to look for something to criticize or belittle—actions that hurt the body of Christ and hurt Christ himself.

I remember being in a grocery store years ago. I was standing in line behind a lady who had two children with her. The children were acting in a way that clearly displeased the mom. They were fighting with each other and pushing each other, and when the mom tried to intervene, they disrespected her authority. As I stood behind her watching all of this happen, the mom suddenly leaned down and forcefully whispered: “Stop acting this way. You’re embarrassing me.” Instantly, God spoke to my heart about his church; about me and you and the way we sometimes treat the pastor and leaders when we don’t get our way; about how we respond when a decision is made that we wouldn’t make if we were in charge; about the words we say, who we say them to, and how we say them; about how we manage to justify our attitude and behavior when clearly it goes against his Word. I felt like God spoke to me in that grocery store line and said, “How this mom is feeling right now with her misbehaving children is how my children make me feel at times.” At that moment I wondered if God had ever thought that about me. Had I ever acted like a child?

I ask you the same question today. Has God ever thought that about you? Has God ever watched you act in ways toward your church or leadership that were displeasing to him, or heard you say things that were hurtful to other people in the body of Christ, and wanted to lean down and whisper in your ear, “Stop doing that”?

Loyalty Is a Personal Choice, but It’s Never Personal

We are big on personal choices in our society. You can do whatever you want and be whatever you want; it’s your choice. Although I agree that it is your personal choice to do what you want, you have to realize that a personal choice is never personal. It always affects people, and usually it’s those you love the most. For instance, if you have a family and you make a personal choice to overspend or mismanage your funds, that was your personal choice, but it’s not just personal. It will affect other people. You can make a choice about your health and do whatever you want; it’s your personal choice. But make no mistake, your personal choice is never personal. It affects other people. Even in the church, you can choose to act in a way that doesn’t show love or loyalty, but understand that your personal choice is never personal. People will get hurt.

When it comes to the subject of you and me exercising loyalty, God has plenty to say. Over eight thousand times in the Bible the concept of loyalty is referred to: loyalty to God, loyalty to each other, loyalty to authority, loyalty to family, loyalty to friends, the results of disloyalty, and the loyalty with which God makes covenants. This subject is referred to more times than heaven and hell combined. God clearly has a heart for this area of our life. Over and over the Bible communicates the kind of loyalty that God looks for in us. Although loyalty runs thin in our culture, it doesn’t run thin in the heart of God.

The kind of loyalty God looks for shows up among his people in many ways:

• Supporting, resourcing, and championing the mission of God (Prov. 3:9–10)
• Standing strong during difficulty rather than looking for the exit door (Eccles. 4:12)
• Choosing to speak only what is helpful and honoring (Eph. 4:29)
• Praying for our pastors and leaders every day (1 Tim. 2:1–2)
• Focusing on the good rather than the bad (Phil. 4:8)
• Being careful not to criticize or judge (Matt. 7:1–5)
• Choosing not to listen to or spread gossip (Ps. 141:3–4; Prov. 16:28)
• Guarding our heart and attitude (Prov. 4:23)
• Making sure the pastor feels honored, not just tolerated (1 Thess. 5:12–13)
• Stopping those who verbally attack our church and its leaders (Titus 3:10)

When we exercise this kind of loyalty, God is honored. When we choose to live this way, we are choosing to be like Christ. We are modeling his word and character. This is what builds the church. This is what builds the kingdom of God. This is what brings honor to his name. This is what Jesus was talking about when he said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35 NIV). This kind of loyalty is what others need to see in us. It’s what our kids need to see in us. As I’ve said, loyalty is a personal choice, but it’s never personal. It always affects other people.

Attack the Problem, Not the Person

There are going to be times when you don’t like something at the church you attend or you don’t fully agree with how something is being run. There is no way of getting around that. We are different people with different opinions. Tension may arise in many areas.

Church matters—You may disagree about programs that end, budget decisions, staff changes, building projects, relocations, operations, fund-raising choices, politics, or missions.

Spiritual matters—You may disagree with how the church is addressing discipleship programs, prayer times, sermon presentations, communion, worship, or fasting or, my all-time favorite, you may think that “the church isn’t deep enough.”

Personal matters—You may have been hurt or offended due to personal attention you never received from the church, whether hospital visits, home visits, returned phone calls, returned emails, or someone noticing that you have been absent.

The question isn’t whether the pastors, leader...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Endorsements
• Dedication
• Contents
• Foreword
• Introduction
• 1. Quit Expecting to Wake Up in Heaven
• 2. Quit Giving Your Money Away
• 3. Quit Helping Out
• 4. Quit Hoping People Will Come
• 5. Quit Stopping By
• 6. Quit Your Church Friends
• Conclusion
• Notes
• About the Author
• Back Ads
• Back Cover