Facebook Book

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• Publisher: Abrams Image
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9780810995574
• eBook ISBN: 9781613123584
• Topic: Computer Science
• Subtopic: Computer Science General
• Index: Computer Science

The Facebook Book, by Harvard alums and early Booksters Atwan and Lushing, follows in the fine satirical tradition of The Official Preppy Handbook and The Hipster Handbook, full of anecdotes (true and semi-true), tips (useful and useless), and other insights, including chapters on the Ethics and Etiquette of using the 'Book, what your profile really says about you, and a Facebook dictionary (which defines for the uninitiated terms like "e;frenemey"e; and "e;fauxmance"e;). The Facebook Book will appeal not only to undergrads, but also high schoolers (to whom the site was recently opened), savvy parents, and anyone who's tapped into Web 2.0 culture and counterculture.

How Huge Is Huge?

You’ve heard the stats: 60 million users, 10,000 registrations a day, most popular site for people under twenty-five, least popular site for neo-Nazis. But stats are the poor man’s words. How big is Facebook really?

FACEBOOK IS

• Justin Timberlake performs at your high school big.

• the iPod’s share of the MP3-player market big.

• the Dalai Lama’s preeminence over other lamas big.

• Google big.

IF FACEBOOK WERE

• a Vegas casino, all of its slot machines would be those jumbo ones you see in the lobby.

• an NBA player, it would actually be fairly unskilled because it could dominate on size alone.

• a Monopoly token, it would be the anvil stacked on the dog.

• a store, it would be a Wal-Mart with a McDonald’s sub-store.

What’s the last big movie you can think of? It involved dwarves and Wagner, right? Didn’t exactly alter the customs of socializing, now did it? What about the last big personal transportation device? Remember, the one that was supposed to be a rocket-pack but ended up being a roller skate with a pole? Didn’t quite revolutionize flirting. And what about the last big Supreme Court decision? The one about habeas corpus on international territory governed by a military agency. Wow. That didn’t even warrant a shout-out in Newsweek.

FACEBOOK IS AS BIG AS IT GETS

Can you think of something bigger than changing the nature of friendship—an institution that’s literally been around since before the Masons? But that’s not all Facebook has changed.

Procrastination: Practically invented the concept of power procrastination, and popularized the procrast-a-break and procrasti-contemplation.

Television habits: Killed off the reality-TV fad with a dose of actual reality (although MTV kept pace with The Real World: Facebook).

Laziness: It’s been legitimized by its frequent depiction on the Book.

Friend-related trivia games

Portrait photography

Offtrack betting (anticipated in 2009)

THE VICTORIAN FACEBOOK

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A BRIEF FACEBOOK PREHISTORY

10,000 BC

Zoologists report that a tribe of Bonobos in eastern Cameroon assign each individual a large stone (“profile”) in the middle of a camp, on which other members of the tribe may leave either twigs (“friend requests”) or excrement (“graffiti”).

292 AD

A certain Mayan inscription from the Yaxhá temple includes the glyph for “face” immediately before the one for “scroll.” Mesoamerican experts dispute whether the phrase refers to an early social directory or to a guy who had information about the year’s grain harvest tattooed on his forehead.

1886 AD

A now-obscure Victorian amateur scientist, Zebadiah Henry (later Lord Trowbutter), achieved brief fame with the Tele-Electrical Facial Exposition Machine. Using three steam engines, a primitive current, and a team of African zebras, the device would take a name in Morse code and, several hours later, return an image of the subject by an eminent portraitist, along with some vital information. The profile was similar to today’s, with some minor differences: Instead of networks there were peerages, and instead of relationship status there was knighthood status. Queen Victoria herself attempted to “friend” President Garfield but instead caused a furor when she accidentally propositioned a Kentucky moonshiner named Gurfield. The Machine was abandoned almost immediately, but Gurfield never stopped sending the Queen messages.

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FACEBOOK VS. MYSPACE

By the time you’re reading this, Facebook has thoroughly deposed MySpace for the social-network crown. Just as Victoria Beckham vanquished Posh Spice, MySpace has slunk off into kitschy oblivion, the subject only of VH1 reminiscences. Truthfully, it wasn’t that close a match. If Facebook is the tony washroom at an exclusive country club, MySpace was a highway rest stop. Its chaotic Web 1.0 aesthetic appealed to people who spend a lot of time looking at Frank Zappa album covers. As a result, it was so overrun with weirdos, noobs, gangbangers, and twelve-year-olds that it offered nothing to even the marginally hip.

Which is to say: If you still have a MySpace account in the post-Facebook age, you are probably one or more of the following:

• a porn star

• a porn star’s assistant

• a self-repped creative type

• a grungy blogger

• a Satanist

• a member of a Grateful Dead tribute band

• a founder of a Facebook also-ran

• a flashmob aficionado

• a European porn star

• a stadium magician

• a substitute teacher

• a pinballer

• a suburban musician

• a lounge type

A GRUNGY BLOGGER

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MILESTONE HEADLINES IN
FACEBOOK’S HISTORY:

Harvard Students Can’t Socialize in Real World,Try Online Ivy-League dweebs build themselves virtual tree house The Boston Globe (2/23/04)

Missing Teen Found in Facebook Group Online discovery is “good enough,” parents say San Francisco Chronicle (3/8/05)

Southern Values Politician Outed on Facebook Congressman says by “interested in men” he meant as voters The Atlanta Journal-Constitution (7/15/05)

Facebook a Decadent Western Evil
American gluttons squander harvesting time in false friendship ritual
North Korean State News Service (9/21/06)

Kim Jong II Has Most Facebook Friends Ever
Exalted Dear Leader is poked almost constantly
North Korean State News Service (10/31/06)

Friendster Founder Starts Facebook Profile
Entrepreneur “just not meeting any hot girls anymore”
Chicago Tribune (5/7/07)

Mark Zuckerberg Does It Again, Invents Game to Replace Chess
Modest boy genius got idea for Backwards-Pawn from a dream
Facebook Internal Newsletter (1/8/08)

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FACEBOOK POPULARITY CHART

Early Days

Population equal to: Western Nebraska; die-hard fans of the Washington Nationals; a typical kibbutz

The Word Gets Out

Population equal to: The Mid-Atlantic states; people who have heard of the Rolling Stones; doctors and lawyers

A Substantial Dip

This was on 7/7/07, when America’s youth pledged not to use the Internet for a day in solidarity with the environment

Current Levels

Population equal to: South America; people who aren’t very good at math; workers

The Future?

Population equal to: Everyone, including pets and ghosts

FACEBOOK’S INDEX

83 Number of A-list celebrities with Facebook profiles

24,332 Number of B- and C-list celebrities with MySpace profiles

53 Minimum number of friends a high-school girl must have on the Book n...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Prologue
• Chapter I: Facebook is Huge
• Chapter II: Profile of a Profile
• Chapter III: 5 People You Meet on Facebook
• Chapter IV: Dating and Relationships
• Chapter V: Facebook Etiquette
• Chapter VI: Springtime for Facebook
• Chapter VII: People of the Book
• Chapter VIII: Camp Facebook
• Chapter IX: Dark Side of the Book
• Chapter X: The Future of Facebook
• Facebook Glossary