Good Guys

How Men Can Be Better Allies for Women in the Workplace

David G. Smith, W. Brad Johnson

• Publisher: Harvard Business Review Press
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN:
  9781629561516
• eBook ISBN:
  9781633698734
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Human Resource Management
• Index: Business

What's missing from gender equality efforts? Men.

Women are at a disadvantage in the workplace, where they deal with unequal pay, sexual harassment, lack of credit for their contributions, and more. And while organizations are looking to address these issues, too many gender-inclusion initiatives focus exclusively on how women should respond, leaving men out of the equation. Such efforts reinforce the perception that these are "women's issues" and that men--often the most powerful stakeholders in an organization--don't need to be involved.

As gender-in-the-workplace experts David G. Smith and W. Brad Johnson show in this important book, men have a crucial opportunity to promote gender equality at work. Research shows that when men are deliberately engaged in gender-inclusion programs, 96 percent of women in those organizations perceive real progress in gender equality, compared with only 30 percent of women in organizations without strong male engagement.

Good Guys is the first book to provide a practical, research-based guide for how to be a male ally to women in the workplace. Filled with firsthand accounts from both men and women, as well as tips for getting started, the book shows how men can partner with their female colleagues to advance women's leadership and equality by breaking ingrained gender stereotypes, overcoming unconscious biases, developing and supporting the talented women around them, and creating productive and respectful working relationships with women--especially in a post–#MeToo world.

Part One

Interpersonal Allyship

How to Show Up in Workplace Relationships with Women

2

Expand Your GQ (Gender Intelligence)

As you launch on your mission and start developing the knowledge you’ll need to fight for gender equity and fairness, we want to furnish you with the gender intelligence you’ll need to be successful. In this chapter are seven ally strategies designed to sharpen your gender intelligence (GQ).

Ally work starts with developing a keen sense of awareness of self and others. Sharpening your situational awareness and becoming more vigilant to the gender dynamics operating all around you is an essential first step. We’ll then encourage you to tackle any lingering anxiety you might have about boldly and deliberately interacting with women as colleagues, accomplices, mentors, or sponsors. As an ally, you’ll ask women about their experiences to better understand the stressors, roadblocks, and dilemmas they encounter. Then, you’ll listen and learn, considering how you might strategically deploy your own privilege as a man in the workplace to make things more equitable for women. We’ll urge you to deliberately seek and welcome feedback from women about your ally behaviors. You’ll also learn to appreciate that not all women’s experiences are the same by considering how women of color and people with other intersectional identities experience the workplace. Then, we’ll challenge you to become vigilant for those—sometimes subtle, yet always pernicious—sexist words and comments that dishearten and undermine female colleagues, and we’ll ask you to intervene when you hear them. (See the sidebar “A Glossary of Ally Slang.”)

A Glossary of Ally Slang

Bropropriation (aka, hepeating): When a woman’s good suggestion or creative idea is co-opted by a man so that he receives credit for her work.

Gaslighting: A form of psychological manipulation that sows seeds of doubt in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

Gender rules: Expectations derived from social beliefs we share about appropriate behavior for men and women in important roles.

Manel: A nondiverse (all-male) conference panel.

Mansplaining: An explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner that is regarded as condescending or patronizing.

Manspaces: Settings such as meetings where men assume they’ll have a seat at the table, be able to speak up, expect to be heard, aren’t interrupted, and expect full credit for their ideas.

Manterruption: When a man interrupts a woman who is speaking, communicating disrespect for her and disregarding her perspective, often resulting in a gender imbalance in the amount of time men and women speak in venues such as meetings.

Office housework: Administrative work (e.g., taking meeting notes, bringing refreshments, planning social events) that is necessary but undervalued, unlikely to lead to promotion, and disproportionately assigned to women.

Tempered radicals: Cultural insiders who understand the dominant culture, but have an outsider’s (nondominant) perspective.

Wimp penalty: Fear of being penalized for speaking up on behalf of someone leads to concerns about negative perceptions and a backlash that is often related to unproductive behaviors such as isolating women and avoiding gender equity initiatives.

Although this chapter will give you a running start on expanding and sharpening your GQ, there are many sources for gender intelligence. Beyond this guide, seek out current books, articles, presentations, and conferences. The preponderance of research shows that personal experiences and education heighten awareness of gender inequities, reduce sexist attitudes, and increase participation in gender equity initiatives.¹ Ask curious questions of women you’ve worked with to form trusting relationships. Maintain a learning orientation and a healthy dose of gender humility to foster a growth mindset and challenge status quo thinking. Dismantling the inner workings of systemic sexism will require reflection on what you are learning, always refreshing and updating your GQ to amplify the impact of your ally actions.

Sharpen Your Situational Awareness

Your gender intelligence relies on situational awareness (SA) that starts with knowledge of others and what they are experiencing. Just like motivations, factors such as apathy or lack of awareness can keep well-intentioned men on the sidelines when it comes to gender partnership.² When men don’t understand that women have different experiences and why it matters or that they have the ability to serve as potent accomplices for change, they don’t engage.

Men have some hurdles to overcome here. Although most of us support increasing female leadership in our organizations and broadly recognize that they face barriers to senior leadership that men don’t, we are not as aware of or able to recognize gender discrimination or harassment.³ Despite recent emphasis on harassment and assault by the #MeToo movement, research in 2018 shows that 42 percent of women still experienced gender discrimination and 38 percent reported sexual harassment.⁴ Yet, 77 percent of men didn’t see sexual harassment as a problem in the workplace.⁵ Situationally aware men become more acutely attuned to gender inequities and harassment and then more willing to address them in real time.⁶

Several of the women we interviewed promoted the value of a male ally for SA. Amy Orlov, vice president for programs, Forté Foundation, recommended that men “look for patterns and begin to notice workplace behavior and dynamics they didn’t even see before. What is happening in the room? How are your female colleagues experiencing this moment? Try to objectively observe these dynamics.” In a similar vein, Annie Rogaski, COO of Avegant Corp., encouraged men to be attentive to what’s going on around them: “It’s hard for men to identify these gender issues; it’s like trying to pay attention to the air around you. If you’re in your natural state and things seem normal to you, it’s harder to notice when something that seems normal is negatively impacting someone else.”

We are big fans of Rogaski’s air metaphor. Let’s extend it to water. As men, we’ve long been the big fish, hardly noticing the other fish in the sea. We are so used to swimming through the male-centric work world, it never occurs to us that other fish might find the water dangerous, even toxic, at times. It takes some real effort for a big fish to slow down, look around, and observe how other fish are experiencing the water.

So, what’s a guy to focus on? Start with the following questions and go from there:

• Who is in the room and who’s not?
• Given the topic of discussion, who really should be in the room discussing her work or serving as a subject-matter expert?
• Who’s sitting at the table and who’s standing or sitting in an outer ring?
• Who’s got a nameplate at the table?
• Who is taking up maximum physical space and who is folded in on themselves?
• Who appears to be comfortable?
• Who is speaking most of the time and who has barely contributed?
• Who is getting interrupted?
• Has someone been dismissed or belittled?
• Are there any sexual innuendos or inappropriate humor being transmitted in the context of bro banter?
• Are women in the room visibly uncomfortable with the topic or something that’s been said?
• How would you describe the mood in the room (e.g., good-natured, energized, icy, angry, anxious)?
• Whose input has not been solicited or ignored once offered?

You get the idea. GQ competency number one is to focus, watch, and listen. Make mental and physical checklists, use sticky notes—whatever it takes to keep your SA sharp. If your SA is acute and accurate, chances are that no bro will slip any harassing, sexist, or egregiously biased comment or behavior by you.

Cure Your Gynophobia

But wait a minute, isn’t the post-#MeToo workplace a scary world for men? Guys are asking, “How do I approach and communicate with women?” “How do I differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate behavior?” “What do women think of men?”

Despite the importance of the #MeToo movement in empowering women to come forward and hold perpetrators accountable for their crimes, the movement also triggered a marked shift in the way people approached everyday interactions at work. Sometimes these changes led to productive conversations about what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior—everything from hugs and opening doors to closed-door meetings and calling women bossy.

However, in this post-#MeToo era, a steady stream of data reveals that men are more anxious about engaging openly with women at work. Gynophobia is an abnormal fear of women, and more and more men are reacting to this feeling in counterproductive ways.⁷ For instance, national representative surveys by LeanIn.Org indicate that 60 percent of male managers feel less comfortable mentoring, working alone, or socializing with women.⁸ And across the corporate world, senior-level men are more hesitant to spend time with junior women across a range of basic work activities such as one-on-one meetings, travel, and work dinners.⁹ Some men have responded to #MeToo by segregating and isolating themselves from women entirely.

Let’s pause, take a deep breath, and remember the truth about #MeToo, which is fundamentally about women—quite appropriately—demanding to come to work each day without facing assault or sexual harassment. That’s a pretty low bar. The false narrative—perpetuated by men—that women are more “dangerous,” “scary,” and can’t be trusted because they feel empowered to call out male predators and serial harassers is nonsense. Every man reading this needs to push back on the post-#MeToo myths about the risks of engaging with our female colleagues. Men’s claims about women’s frequent false accusations of harassment are without evidence. Next time you hear this from a guy, ask him to furnish some credible data to prove it. You’ll usually get a response beginning with, “I heard about a guy . . .” Here is the truth: if you are a well-meaning and admittedly imperfect dude (much like your authors), someone who sometimes makes a mistake but generally wants to get better and be part of the equality solution at work and in society, then you’ve got absolutely nothing to fear.

We think most guys are self-aware enough to keep themselves out of hot water at work. Kim Elsesser, author of Sex and the Office and Forbes columnist, had these words of wisdom for men at work: “Most men are not going to inadvertently do something like ask a woman to get into the shower with him! The average guy might worry about whether a comment will be misinterpreted, but this has nothing to do with sexual assault and harassment. If you’re a guy and you’re worried about whether a compliment will be misinterpreted, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” The #MeToo movement should be a catalyst for change in the workplace that spurs more conversations between men and women. Let’s not allow it to become a siren for men to avoid women. It’s time for men to double down in supporting our female colleagues. Allies speak up, ask questions, and listen—even when it’s uncomfortable.

If you are a man in any sort of leadership role, intentional interaction with women is a non-negotiable job requirement. In our interview with a female executive in the technology sector, she offered two recommendations for men in the post-#MeToo era: “First, don’t harass anyone! Second, don’t ignore women. You cannot lead or manage women if you are not willing to have a one-on-one meeting with a woman. Full stop.” We concur. If you are unwilling to meet or have coffee or lunch alone with a woman, you probably should resign your leadership role. Let a woman, or a more confident and inclusive man, take your place.

Still anxious about engaging with women at work? Here is the good news: there is a safe, effective, evidence-based treatment for any phobia, including gynophobia. The cure is called exposure therapy.¹⁰ It is side effect–free and guaranteed to reduce your distress if you practice it diligently. Exposure therapy requires that you actively and frequently seek out collegial conversations and interactions with women. Sit down and chat with them, invite them to coffee or lunch, ask them for help, and ask about their career interests. Look for a senior woman who might mentor you and initiate mentoring conversations with some of those high-potential junior women around you. These interactions also have the added benefit of developing trust and respect. A female executive in the technology sector said, “I think men and women should be able to have regular interactions and everyone should behave appropriately. But, if you’re afraid for whatev...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Preface
• Part One: Interpersonal Allyship: How to Show Up in Workplace Relationships with Women
• Part Two: Public Allyship: How to Become a Proactive Ally for Women
• Part Three: Systemic Allyship: Becoming an Advocate for Organizational Change
• Conclusion: The Future in the World of Allies
• Notes
• Index
• Acknowledgments
• About the Authors