Part I
Make It Yours
Perfect your product + share your passion
Chapter 1
Donât quit the quest.
Seek out your âthingâ; youâll know when youâve found it.
I had no idea what I was doing. I was thirty-one years old, eight months pregnant, in a wonderful but still very new relationship, and working a job that didnât suit me. Mostly, I was in a rush to figure out who I was, and quickly, before beginning my new, unexpected role of mother. So there I was, stirring up my first batch of deodorant in the kitchen of my tiny rental in Portland.
From the moment I started making, that kitchen was a disaster. The oils and butters gunked up every surface, and the sink was a few days away from being completely clogged. There were crumpled-up papers of discarded recipes and notes littered across the counter. Essential oils and samples of my latest test batches cluttered every inch of surface space available, alongside my jars of homemade kombucha and hot sauce. My feet ached from standing, and I was already tired after long days at my full-time job. As I stirred, bigger questions swirled around my head: Am I ready to be a mother? Should I stay in this job? Will we have enough money? And an old, familiar one: Whatâs my purpose?
But something about the process of making put my world in order (even as it sent my kitchen into disarray). Only one thing was certain: the very act of creatingâleaning over my kitchen stove, mixing the butters and powders and essential oils, pouring the mixture carefully into little Mason jarsâlit me up like nothing else had before.
I was not one of those kids who âalways knewâ she was a writer or a musician or a doctor or an artist. I spent years thinking, I donât know what my passion is, or simply, I donât have a passion. I was searching for it, but I also didnât know where to look. I kept trying to figure out where I belonged, time and again, working odd jobs, moving from one city to another, enrolling in classes, only to find myself at a lot of dead ends. In that Portland kitchen, I was lucky enough to discover somethingâand once I did, I kept at it, relentlessly.
Perhaps not surprisingly, I didnât set out with deodorant as my destination.
I grew up in a tiny Bavarian tourist town in Michiganâpopulation fewer than five thousandâwhere you could (and still can) dial 1-800-FUNTOWN to call the chamber of commerce. My dad worked as an engineer for General Motors and my mom stayed home to raise me and my older brother, Jason. My family has always been close and very supportive (and to this day we talk regularly), though I wouldnât say that we shared a lot of deep, emotional conversations growing up. Ours was a relatively reserved household, where we were more likely to talk about local news and the weather than our inner feelings or aspirations.
I count myself as very fortunate to have experienced a childhood of freedom in the company of a loving family. I spent many hours playing with my best friendsâtwo girls who lived down the streetâriding bikes around the neighborhood loop and exploring the woods, which we called âWonderland.â Weâd play in the creeks and catch crawfish; climb trees and pick flowers. We spent whole afternoons in our treehouse, inventing stories and imagining other worlds.
On weekends, my parents, my brother, and I would visit my grandparents in northern Michigan. They lived on a lake, where weâd fish in summer and play on the ice in winter. We called the surrounding area the âDeep Dark Woods,â though it was wondrous and welcoming. Iâd walk around collecting acorns, putting them all in a Ziploc bag my grandmother gave me. Back home, Iâd dump them out, play with them, then return them to their bag for laterâmy own little treasures.
When it came time for college, I followed in my brotherâs footsteps and attended Michigan State University, a Big Ten school notorious for its athletics and fraternity/sorority scene. I roomed with my best friend from high school, Anne, who already knew she wanted to major in political science and move to Washington, DC, after graduation. I didnât have a clear sense of what I wanted to be when I grew up. My brother had majored in business, so I did the same, though I wasnât passionate about it. That lack of pride and confidence in what I was doing felt like a heavier weight each year I carried it with me. Any time I was asked âWhatâs your major?â I hated trying to fake my way into a good reason for why Iâd chosen business.
Between classes, I worked. For a while I was a student ID checker and dishwasher in the dorm cafeteria. Later I became a sandwich maker at a Blimpie sub shop, then moved on up to kitchen prep and cook at a kitschy chain restaurant. I wanted to be a server, but first had to climb the ranks, which included dressing up as the restaurantâs mascot and standing roadside during rush hour. After one too many days sweating in my costume, I decided it was time to quit. Eventually I landed a server position at the local Chi-Chiâs, the Mexican food chain, where I developed a rapport with the regulars, who racked up higher tabs (and higher tips) as they drank.
As graduation approached, I somewhat hastily added a minor in human resources. The inevitability of facing the âreal worldâ was on the horizon, and I didnât have a clue about what I was going to do with my business degree once I was out there. Human resources seemed somewhat interesting; at least it involved humans, as opposed to the world of numbers and data I had been immersed in with my business classes.
I got the feeling that my future was supposed to look something like this: graduate from a good college, work a steady job, get married, and âsettle down.â Where was the fun part? Iâd rather go back to the Deep Dark Woods and collect acorns. But I carried on that path, taking steps that I thought were supposed to lead me to happiness.
When I graduated, I moved in with my boyfriend, who had a summer job working in landscaping, while I, after months of sending out dozens of applications, started working at a small, privately owned staffing company. My boss was erratic and once screamed at me for giving someoneâs paycheck to their mom instead of directly to the employee. She told me her boss would have thrown an ashtray at her head for such reckless behavior. That job didnât last long.
A string of other jobs at different staffing companies followed, and eventually my boyfriend and I moved to Chicago, where finally I got what felt like a ârealâ HR job at a gas technology company. While it was thrilling to live in Chicago, I still felt lost in my career. I went back to school for a masterâs in sociology. I wasnât sure exactly how Iâd use the degree, but I hoped it would expand my qualifications and opportunities for some future role that would resonate with me. My employer helped fund the degree, and I stuck it out over the next three years, juggling the commute, job, and classes after work.
I was hustling along the prescribed path but continued to feel unfulfilled. My boyfriend and I agreed it was time to take the next step in our relationship, and we got married. Soon after, we bought our first home, a condo in downtown Chicago that seemed like a smart investment. I left the gas tech company to work at the prestigious MacArthur Foundation. Their office was located in downtown Chicago and commuting by train each day felt like a luxurious upgrade, after making the long haul by car to my previous office in the suburbs.
From the outside, life looked good: great city, new husband, home, masterâs degree, and fancy job. But something still felt off. On my commute to work, Iâd look around at the faces of strangers on the train, thinking everyone seemed tired and burnt out. At the office, the monotony of giving new-hire orientations quickly became tedious, and I always felt like a schmuck reviewing staid policies and procedures with employees who had more important work to do. I couldnât shake a persistent feeling of discontent. I knew there had to be something more, but I didnât know how to go about finding it. To make matters worse, I was having the same feeling about my marriage.
One day at work, my boss and I dialed into a conference call together in her office. When it was my turn to speak, I didnât recognize myself. My voice sounded unusually strained and shaky, dipping and rising, making it difficult to be understood. When the call ended, I looked at her and said, âWhatâs happening to my voice?â
âYou sound nervous,â she responded, but I wasnât feeling nervous at all.
The âvoice thingâ happened more and more. My voice would become shaky for seemingly no reason, and I was unable to control it. It was a blow to my confidence, and it was scary. What was happening to me? I began scheduling appointments with doctors. It took a long time and many visits before we discovered what it was: spasmodic dysphonia, a rare neurological condition that causes vocal cords to spasm. While that sounded terrifying, the doctor reassured me that the condition wasnât a threat to my health. There wasnât anything I could do about it, either. Not much was known about its cause or cure, as the condition is so rare. I just had to carry on.
Much later I learned that trauma or stress can trigger spasmodic dysphonia. Coming across that information made me wonder if I had become so deeply unhappy in my life in Chicago that this was my bodyâs way of insisting I make a change.
Iâll never be sure exactly what the impetus was, but I did make a change. My husband was feeling as restless as I was. Were we both unhappy in our careers, or were we feeling trapped in our relationship, having met and married so young? We agreed on one thing: weâd move across the country and make a fresh start. Portland, Oregon, was our city of choice. Weâd visited, and we loved the impression we got of the young, energetic people who lived there. There was easy access to hiking trails and camping sites. It seemed like the perfect change of pace and scenery from our life in the Midwest. After five years in Chicago, we sold the condo and, like many seekers before us, headed West. Neither of us had a job lined up, but with the money from the sale of the condo we had some security, along with the faith weâd find our way.
âThis job is so not youâ
I loved Portland right away. It felt like a small big cityâthe perfect sizeâand it notably lacked Chicagoâs cold weather and chaotic traffic patterns. It seemed like there was a real community there. I just needed to find my way in.
With the move, I was determined to start fresh in my career. But how? I didnât have any connections and couldnât afford to put off working for long. I resigned myself to getting another job in HR, promising myself that it would only be temporary.
I found a job with Portland Public Schools giving orientations to new teachers and administering their benefits packages, working alongside a small group of primarily women coworkers. Our desks were practically within armâs reach of each other, so weâd get talking about our livesâfriendly chatter to pass the time. One day one of my colleagues looked at me warmly and said, âThis job is so not you.â She didnât mean it in a critical way, and I wasnât offended. It was validating to know that someone else could sense my internal confusion; someone else recognized that I didnât belong. Just like each job Iâd held in my twenties, this was a valuable part of my journey, bringing new relationships, lessons, and skills, teaching me what I didnât want. But I still couldnât see through the fog. What job was for me? What did I want?
As part of my new-city adventure, I bought a moped. The fuel-efficient scooters were popular in Portland at the time, and I figured if I was going to commute to this office every day, I might as well have some fun doing it. The first time I tried to mount the bike, it fell on top of me. I picked it up and thought, Bring it on. I was determined to stake my claim to a newfound sense of freedom and fun.
It was liberating to be untethered from Chicagoâs train schedule, and instead to zip through the quiet, tree-lined streets of Portland. It was the rainy season, but that didnât deter me. I bought a water-resistant jacket with padded elbows, along with lined waterproof pants and boots. I completed my all-black outfit with a burgundy helmet. Iâd arrive at work and pull into the motorcycle section of the lot around back, where typically I was the only woman.
That fall, despite the fact that weâd taken this leap of faith together, found jobs, and tried to make a fresh start, my husband and I decided to end our relationship. Weâd followed all the steps we thought we were supposed to and had even shaken things up by moving West. But we had to be honest with ourselves and each other: it was time to go our separate ways. Deep down, I knew we werenât the right fit. I remember sitting on our bed and realizing that I was about to be truly alone for the first time in my adult life. I was terrified. And what would my parents think? I already felt like Iâd let them down by uprooting my âsettledâ life in Chicago and turning from a perfectly laid-out path. But much to my relief, they were both very supportive and nonjudgmental. Soon after I told my mom, she said, âWell, I guess we can get rid of that old wedding dress and the photos weâve been storing!â (She hates clutter.)
Now it was just me and my moped. I moved into a small one-bedroom apartment on the top floor of an old house. I was living alone for the first time in my life, in a new city where I knew almost no one. It was a difficult and confusing time, but also an invigorating one. I felt a new sense of possibility. I remember buying a big bookcase from IKEA and sitting on the floor one night, a glass of wine in hand, music playing in the background, slowly assembling the thing myself. It took hours and hours, but I did it. The world was mine.
A new friend invited me to join a sewing class with her. If I couldnât find satisfaction in a job, maybe a side project could fill the void. For the first few classes, I was so excited. I had visions of starting a business by giving new life to thrifted clothes, like turning menâs collared shirts into dresses. I wrote a mission statement and found a clip art image of a lotus flower (symbolizing rebirth) for my logo. I went to the thrift store and bought a bunch of pieces with every intention of reinventing and reselling them. I bought my own sewing machine and got to work.
The following Saturday, I spent the entire day stitching a simpl...