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holidays
IRS Halloween
The doorbell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well-dressed kid saying, “Trick or Treat!”
The man asks the kid what he’s dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, “I’m an IRS agent.”
Then he takes 28 percent of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say, “Thank you.”
A One-of-a-Kind Costume?
One Halloween, a trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts.
Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back five more times tonight.”
Working Late on Halloween
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man chipping away at one of the headstones with a hammer and chisel.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled.
“They spelled my name wrong!”
Trick or Treat
At Halloween a couple had an unexpected guest. Instead of being home to greet trick-or-treaters, as they had planned to do, they went out with friends.
They hated to leave the house unattended and not give the numerous neighbor children any treats. So they set the bag of apples that they had intended to give out, on the porch with a sign that read: “Take some. Leave some.”
When they got home later that night, they found three times as many apples as they had left for the trick-or-treaters.
A Dozen Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters
1. Give away something other than candy (toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.).
2. Wait behind the door. When they get near the door, jump out wearing a costume, holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, invite them in. Once they’re inside, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
4. After you give them candy, hand them a bill.
5. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Collapse, flop around gasping for air, then don’t move until they go away.
6. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
7. Hand out menus and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
8. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
9. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar while mumbling “November.”
10. Give away colored eggs instead of candy. If anyone protests, explain that you’ve been trying to get rid of the eggs since Easter.
11. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily lecture them about tooth decay until they leave.
12. When you open the door, shout, “Drop and give me twenty!” and insist they each do push-ups before you give them any candy.
My Appetite Is My Shepherd
—Pound 23
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knowe...
