From Cradle to Global Citizen

finding our way in turbulent times

Lorraine Rose

• Publisher: Interactive Publications Pty Ltd
• Year: 2018
• ISBN:
  9781925231823
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Clinical Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Psychotherapist Lorraine Rose addresses the pervasive anxiety about where the world is going. In the midst of uncertainty, we are forced back to basics to re-discover tools for living. She identifies anchors that can help us navigate our lives by understanding our needs from the early years and during our developmental path to maturity. She charts an emotional and psychological map from birth to death, focusing on the birth of the personality and pathways that include learning to love and gaining the capacity for intimacy.Bringing our pre-verbal selves into consciousness is now more possible with advances in psychological practices, and this leads to a better understanding of our nature and needs. Those who missed out on emotional milestones can, as adults, revisit their early years to resolve those issues that impact on their capacity to mature, the quality of their relationships, and their ability to regulate their emotions.Finally, Lorraine Rose provides a commentary on recent economic and social models western society to assess whether these models align with the needs of citizens. Ways of assessing the health of our society help us better discern our needs on a personal and societal level.

PART 1

Normal developmental processes: birth to death

Chapter 1 Pregnancy and birth: our beginnings

A chick pea leaps almost over the rim of the pot

where it is being boiled…

don’t try to jump out,

You think I am torturing you,

I’m giving you flavour,

so you can mix with spices and rice

and be the lovely vitality of a human being

“Chick Pea to Cook,” p. 132, Barks, C. 1995, The Essential Rumi, 2nd ed., HarperCollins: New York

Pregnancy

What I am hoping to achieve is an imaginative journey into the experience of pregnancy and birth. What is it like to be the mother? What is it like to be the baby? What is it like to be the father? If we explore all of these perspectives we understand more about who we are and the context into which we were born, how the experience was for us, and its impact on those around us. According to the neuroscience literature, at this stage of life we need someone who is intimately connected to us and who understands us. This allows us to comprehend ourselves more fully, beginning with our time in the womb.

The experiences of a baby’s early care may be unconscious but they impact powerfully on our development. When there are unconscious conflicts, they need to come to the surface to be aired so that ultimately they lose their power over us. The trauma of wartime experience provides a good analogy. In the past, not talking about what people experienced in wartime was considered the best way to protect oneself and the family. What we have since realised is that these experiences cannot be put aside since they can affect our behaviour negatively. Recognising the trauma, speaking the truth of the experience, and becoming aware of its impact can help it to be neutralised.

From the moment a couple conceives their baby they enter a triangular space. This expanded space adds a creative dimension, which develops their relationship. Simultaneously, there will be a regressive pull to go back into the dyadic or couple space. The arrival of a third person raises the question of whether they will be a friend or foe. As the newcomer, the baby brings great joy but also displaces or interrupts the couple. The baby may be a demanding rival who can damage the mother’s body and disrupt the couple’s equilibrium. These tensions are not generally problematic as they resolve over time.

The healthy resolution of these tensions comes when a mutual dependency emerges. The mother feeds the child but depends on her partner’s support. In turn, the partner needs the mother’s support, and together they experience their mutual hope in the growing foetus in the womb. After birth, the baby expresses its dependence on the parents in its smiles and other non-verbal expressions of emotion.

The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre explores this reliance in the relationships of the trio that form the basis of his play No Exit (Huis Clos). In this play all humanity is reduced to three people who are trapped in a room in Hell. Eventually, one of them finds an exit but as he decides to leave he realises that life would be meaningless without the other two: all three must find a way to co-exist with each other.

Likewise, all members of the family trio face the joy and fulfilment of being wanted, together with the realisation that they were also unwanted. The child will always be a threat to the ambivalent, more self-centred part of the biological parents. To other aspects of the parents, the baby will be a blessing. Each member of the trio has to bear this reality, even though it is often unconscious.

All members of the trio need to find a space “to be” and not just “do”. Pregnancy is the beginning of learning how to do this. A character in a Woody Allen movie commented, ‘I don’t have time to be pregnant,’ but the reality is it does take time. There is a different quality to “being” during pregnancy and after. It is slower, it comes from inside us, and it is not only reacting to the external world; it includes feeling, and reflection on that feeling. It is not just a process of linear cause and effect but a place where we can experience the fullness of things.

After conception, early hormonal and metabolic changes produce minor symptoms in the mother such as morning sickness. Pregnancy disturbs her body and psyche and she may have many dreams that parallel the physical intrusion of the new body inside her. She may be anxious about whether she wants the pregnancy or not. Is she ready to be a mother and move from her child-free existence? Is she allowed to have this baby? Will she be punished for having dared to take this step? Will she cope? The parents can be in harmony, in conflict, or a mixture of the two. Their own individual fantasies can lead to both joy and panic.

Together with a male colleague, I ran a parent group of four couples during the period of pregnancy. Three of the couples had confirmed pregnancies while one couple was hoping to become pregnant. It was a life-enhancing experience to be in the group meeting weekly for six weeks, then monthly for six months, and a final meeting twelve months after the first.

In the early sessions, the women shared violent dreams with us that were confronting. These dreams would have been very disturbing if they had not been in the context of pregnancy. Previous issues relating to their family of origin surfaced and old hurts and rivalries arose. At this stage the women frequently talked to each other as if what they were going through was “women’s business”. My colleague was able to challenge the men to stay in the dialogue and remain connected to what the women were saying and feeling. Subsequently, the men found a way to discuss their own fears and anxieties. When we kept both partners engaged in the discussion, they created an “ecosystem,” with the sum of the couple being greater than the two individuals. Other colleagues ran mother’s groups that were enormously helpful to the women but found that they did not have the lightness and humour of the mixed group. With both parents attending the meetings together, the group developed a greater sense of having enough resources and support during and after the pregnancy.

The men became preoccupied with the loss of income to the household due to their partner not working or working less. Initially, they thought they would have to earn more money to compensate. However, the men gradually thought more about being a supportive presence for their partner and new baby. They realised that rather than working more, they would need to work less. They thought about asking the boss to allow them more flexible time, or to travel less, and they were able to prioritise what was important in the situation.

Pregnant women generally become more preoccupied with their bodies as the first trimester progresses. They focus on the extraordinary idea of a separate and unknown being growing inside them. This often corresponds with feeling the baby kicking. As the symptoms of tiredness and nausea ease, mothers experience great wellbeing and contentment. The mother’s hormones leave her in a happy state to “hatch” her baby and her focus is now turned inward to this other being. The mother begins to feel her attention is divided between the demands of the external world and the bid for attention from within. During this period, the couple variously give the baby characteristics or a pet name, or attribute likes and dislikes.

Women who have experienced rape or incest may find the baby’s growth alarming. In the primitive world of the psyche, it may be perceived as the outcome of the earlier invasion by a predator and not the outcome of the current relationship. This can unconsciously reactivate past angers around the intrusion into the mother’s body, and if these feelings haven’t been acknowledged they may limit her capacity to bond with her baby.

In the final trimester, the mother-to-be begins to consider that her baby is viable and could survive outside her, if it were to be born prematurely. As the pregnancy progresses, the expectant mother becomes more aware of the momentous, irreversible change that is about to occur. Faced with the unknown, and as the tension and uncertainty increases, many women attempt to control what is happening to them by predicting possible birth dates. Internal conflicts can arise from old family issues, together with moodiness, heightened emotions and irrational fears of retribution for past sins. These could be an abortion, illicit sexual encounters or past hatreds. All the hopes that have accrued in the mother’s life may be placed on the baby. Her child can be the fulfilment of her dreams or the messiah who will cure all her suffering.

The other side of this amazing and creative process is that the mother, father and baby can develop negative feelings about the experience. At the earliest age, hate inevitably comes with intimacy and cannot be avoided. We may try to bypass it, individually and collectively, but it is built into the human condition. I remember facing up to my hatred in relation to some conflicts with my mother while in therapy. My skin broke out in itchy hives all over my legs. I walked a great deal around my neighbourhood and finally realised that if the same circumstances with my mother recurred, I would be angry. I became painfully aware that I was not able to avoid being angry. It was a natural response, given the circumstances, and I had to accept that it was an integral part of my being alive. Having accepted this, I then opened up to the positive things my mother had given me.

It is natural that the mother will have mixed feelings about the baby. The baby will hurt or tear at her body, challenge her old identity and keep her endlessly sleep deprived. The baby starts life ruthlessly loving its mother before developing reciprocal love. Hate develops as she or he becomes a whole person who can be both loved and loving. The baby must push through the body of the mother and take his or her nourishment, even if it is at some expense to the mother, in order to live. The mother needs to understand this and learn to tolerate any negative feelings without acting on them.

Pregnancy and birth remain a magical yet terrifying experience for everyone. Mothers can experience elation, terror, anxiety and joy that they need to process. It is a time when feeling overwhelmed is utterly appropriate and to contain this range of feeling prematurely is to limit the experience. It is a special time for all involved.

Birth

This is the first moment of a cooperative partnership between the mother and baby as they work together to give birth. This critical time will influence how their relationship develops and, for the baby, it will establish a pattern of relating that will affect future relationships. It is important that we all understand our own physical and psychological origins by reflecting on this experience from each of the differing perspectives.

The mother and baby require a certain state of mind to engage in the process. The parents need to be able to stay with their thoughts and feelings and also to understand the baby’s experience. Achieving this state of receptiveness is difficult in a culture that values doing over being. We should acknowledge this quality of human experience. Otherwise we can only act or react rather than “be with”. This “being with” state includes being aware of our feelings in a situation and also the baby’s feelings. This is the path of empathy.

What I discuss is only the tip of the iceberg. This book cannot cover every permutation of this state but I hope it provides an entry into these different perspectives and shows how we can be attuned to the experience of each participant. It is an imaginative exercise since each of us has been a baby and many will have subsequently become parents.

Mother

A first-time mother and father, interviewed for a study involving full-term and premature babies, clearly illustrates the strong and conflicting emotions involved in the birthing process. The couples I discuss had full-term babies. This research is comprehensively discussed in Premature Babies: Their emotional world compiled and edited by Norma Tracey (2000):2

We rang the birth centre because the pain was worse. Later when I went to the toilet there was a bit of meconium in it so I went straight in. Because the meconium was thick I couldn’t stay at the birth centre and went upstairs. They plugged me into the machine and put straps around me but that made the contractions worse. Everyone was in and out. They took blood but, because I was bloated, it took six times before they could get it. The new re...