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ACT ONE
Scene One
MARIAN enters the bathroom. Sheās wearing overlarge headphones.
Sheās talking business French aloud. Sheās wearing knickers and a Minnie Mouse T-shirt. Sheās just slept in them.
MARIAN. Est-ce quāil y a un service de bus pour aller Ć Paris?
Est-ce quāil y a un service de bus pour aller Ć Paris?
Beat.
Cāest bien le bus pour Versailles?
Cāest bien le bus pour Versailles?
She picks up a toothbrush and begins brushing her teeth.
She continues saying French aloud.
Cāest bien le train pour Lille?
Cāest bien le train pour Lille?
She brushes her tongue.
DAVID enters. Heās on the phone. Heās in a pair of grey boxer shorts.
She stops talking. He doesnāt acknowledge her.
DAVID. Iām going to start with thatā¦
Iām going to start with thatā¦
He looks at her. He makes a signal. She doesnāt understand it and laughs. He frowns.
Because I want to open hardā¦
If I start with thatā¦
Well. Itās a matter of opening hard.
She washes the toothbrush and puts it away.
She turns off her iPod. She listens to his call.
She sits on the side of the bath.
She thinks and then takes out some dental floss.
She begins to floss. He looks at her as she does. He smiles.
She smiles back. She starts to sexily floss. Itās a hard thing to do sexily. She laughs.
If we donāt open hardā¦
Itās not about whatās right or whatās ā right.
He looks at her. He covers the phone.
I donāt know why you floss after you brush your teeth.
MARIAN. I donāt know either. Is he being a dick?
He goes back to his phone.
DAVID. Itās my pitch. Itās my pitch.
ā¦
Yes. Of course itās our pitch. Itās our pitch. But itās my pitch to lead.
He covers the phone.
Flossing creates shit in your mouth.
MARIAN. Ya-huh and I can taste it if I do it before.
DAVID. Taste what?
MARIAN. The shit.
He goes back to the phone.
DAVID. Iām the pitcher. Thatās all I mean by that. Iām the pitcher andā¦ that makes me the leader.
I know I sound like a tosser.
Iām just getting words ā mixed up.
No. I wonāt.
He covers the phone.
Still. It doesnāt make logical sense.
MARIAN. Youāre talking to me?
DAVID. Yeah.
MARIAN. You donāt make logical sense. Heās being a dick, right?
DAVID smiles. He talks into the phone.
DAVID. Yeahā¦ Yeahā¦ Well, complain about it if you want toā¦
Kiss me.
MARIAN laughs.
MARIAN. Youāre talking to me?
He smiles. She does kiss him. With a smile. Gently. On the mouth. He breaks off and talks immediately into the phone. She frowns.
DAVID. Yeah. Yeah.
I know. I know.
MARIAN thinks. She turns her iPod back on. She begins to recite French again.
MARIAN. On est bien en direction dāAvignon?
On est bien en direction dāAvignon?
DAVID. Iā¦
He exits. She looks after him. She stops. A thoughtful expression on her face. She looks in the mirror. She smiles. Then she doesnāt.
MARIAN. On est bien en ā
Then she exits.
Then DAVID re-enters. Now off the phone.
He begins to take a piss. Itās a long piss.
He sings gently, āIf Youāre Happy and You Know It.ā
He stops singing.
DAVID. I canāt smell the asparagus.
MARIAN (off). What?
DAVID. The asparagus.
From last night.
I canāt smell it.
Does that mean it was good or bad asparagus?
MARIAN re-enters the bathroom.
MARIAN. I donāt know.
DAVID. Is it one of those things?
Apparently the more that beetroot reddens your piss, the better it is.
The best beetroot turns your piss to almost blood colour.
MARIAN. Is that right? What did he want?
DAVID. Stuff.
She starts the bath. She checks the temperature of the water.
He sings a little more. Just hmming it. Not emitting actual words.
He finishes. He shakes. He puts away.
MARIAN. Itās taking longer and longer to heat up nowadays. Is that the boiler or the tap?
He washes his hands. She flushes the toilet.
I canāt smell it either. The asparagus.
DAVID. No.
DAVID opens the bathroom cabinet and takes out some shaving foam and a razor.
MARIAN. So thatās somethingā¦
DAVID laughs.
He lathers up.
He begins to wet-shave.
Men always look so stupid with shaving foam on their face.
DAVID. Do men?
MARIAN. Whatās wrong with that?
D...
