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ACT ONE
Scene One
MARIAN enters the bathroom. Sheâs wearing overlarge headphones.
Sheâs talking business French aloud. Sheâs wearing knickers and a Minnie Mouse T-shirt. Sheâs just slept in them.
MARIAN. Est-ce quâil y a un service de bus pour aller Ă Paris?
Est-ce quâil y a un service de bus pour aller Ă Paris?
Beat.
Câest bien le bus pour Versailles?
Câest bien le bus pour Versailles?
She picks up a toothbrush and begins brushing her teeth.
She continues saying French aloud.
Câest bien le train pour Lille?
Câest bien le train pour Lille?
She brushes her tongue.
DAVID enters. Heâs on the phone. Heâs in a pair of grey boxer shorts.
She stops talking. He doesnât acknowledge her.
DAVID. Iâm going to start with thatâŚ
Iâm going to start with thatâŚ
He looks at her. He makes a signal. She doesnât understand it and laughs. He frowns.
Because I want to open hardâŚ
If I start with thatâŚ
Well. Itâs a matter of opening hard.
She washes the toothbrush and puts it away.
She turns off her iPod. She listens to his call.
She sits on the side of the bath.
She thinks and then takes out some dental floss.
She begins to floss. He looks at her as she does. He smiles.
She smiles back. She starts to sexily floss. Itâs a hard thing to do sexily. She laughs.
If we donât open hardâŚ
Itâs not about whatâs right or whatâs â right.
He looks at her. He covers the phone.
I donât know why you floss after you brush your teeth.
MARIAN. I donât know either. Is he being a dick?
He goes back to his phone.
DAVID. Itâs my pitch. Itâs my pitch.
âŚ
Yes. Of course itâs our pitch. Itâs our pitch. But itâs my pitch to lead.
He covers the phone.
Flossing creates shit in your mouth.
MARIAN. Ya-huh and I can taste it if I do it before.
DAVID. Taste what?
MARIAN. The shit.
He goes back to the phone.
DAVID. Iâm the pitcher. Thatâs all I mean by that. Iâm the pitcher and⌠that makes me the leader.
I know I sound like a tosser.
Iâm just getting words â mixed up.
No. I wonât.
He covers the phone.
Still. It doesnât make logical sense.
MARIAN. Youâre talking to me?
DAVID. Yeah.
MARIAN. You donât make logical sense. Heâs being a dick, right?
DAVID smiles. He talks into the phone.
DAVID. Yeah⌠Yeah⌠Well, complain about it if you want toâŚ
Kiss me.
MARIAN laughs.
MARIAN. Youâre talking to me?
He smiles. She does kiss him. With a smile. Gently. On the mouth. He breaks off and talks immediately into the phone. She frowns.
DAVID. Yeah. Yeah.
I know. I know.
MARIAN thinks. She turns her iPod back on. She begins to recite French again.
MARIAN. On est bien en direction dâAvignon?
On est bien en direction dâAvignon?
DAVID. IâŚ
He exits. She looks after him. She stops. A thoughtful expression on her face. She looks in the mirror. She smiles. Then she doesnât.
MARIAN. On est bien en â
Then she exits.
Then DAVID re-enters. Now off the phone.
He begins to take a piss. Itâs a long piss.
He sings gently, âIf Youâre Happy and You Know It.â
He stops singing.
DAVID. I canât smell the asparagus.
MARIAN (off). What?
DAVID. The asparagus.
From last night.
I canât smell it.
Does that mean it was good or bad asparagus?
MARIAN re-enters the bathroom.
MARIAN. I donât know.
DAVID. Is it one of those things?
Apparently the more that beetroot reddens your piss, the better it is.
The best beetroot turns your piss to almost blood colour.
MARIAN. Is that right? What did he want?
DAVID. Stuff.
She starts the bath. She checks the temperature of the water.
He sings a little more. Just hmming it. Not emitting actual words.
He finishes. He shakes. He puts away.
MARIAN. Itâs taking longer and longer to heat up nowadays. Is that the boiler or the tap?
He washes his hands. She flushes the toilet.
I canât smell it either. The asparagus.
DAVID. No.
DAVID opens the bathroom cabinet and takes out some shaving foam and a razor.
MARIAN. So thatâs somethingâŚ
DAVID laughs.
He lathers up.
He begins to wet-shave.
Men always look so stupid with shaving foam on their face.
DAVID. Do men?
MARIAN. Whatâs wrong with that?
D...
