My Heart's a Suitcase

Clare McIntyre

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• Topic: Literature
• eBook ISBN:
  9781780015286
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A modern feminist classic – a fiercely original parable of modern materialism.

An angrily impoverished waitress and a philosophical ceramics teacher in the early stages of multiple sclerosis share a borrowed, run-down seaside apartment for the weekend. Visitors include the shopaholic wife of the landlord, a drunken misfit and two spectral intruders: Pest, a bad memory; and Luggage, the Patron Saint of Heavy Burdens.

Clare McIntyre's play My Heart's a Suitcase was first staged at the Royal Court Theatre, London, in February 1990. It won her the Evening Standard and Critics' Circle awards for Most Promising Playwright.

Scene One

Friday afternoon 4 p.m.

CHRIS and HANNAH are standing in the room. The exterior door is open. They have ‘overnight’ bags with them. CHRIS’s is a plastic laundry bag. HANNAH’s is a rucksack.

CHRIS. I don’t like it.

HANNAH. It’s wonderful. God it’s amazing . . . It’s enormous.

CHRIS. I don’t like it.

HANNAH. Why?

CHRIS. I just don’t.

HANNAH. Why?

CHRIS. It gives me the creeps.

HANNAH. Why?

CHRIS. Stop saying ‘Why’ will you.

HANNAH. What’s the matter?

CHRIS. Let’s go and stay in a hotel. It’s bloody derelict.

HANNAH. It’s not. It’s just been empty for a while that’s all.

CHRIS. The whole building’s empty. There’s no one in the flat downstairs is there?

HANNAH. I don’t know.

CHRIS. There isn’t. I looked.

HANNAH. Well they’re new flats aren’t they? It’s brilliant. You can see the sea. Who lives in places like this? Retired colonels?

CHRIS. People who’ve got au pairs.

HANNAH. I wonder if you can see France.

CHRIS. ’Course you can’t. Let’s go to a hotel.

HANNAH. I can’t afford a hotel.

CHRIS. I’ll pay.

HANNAH. You haven’t got any money.

CHRIS. It’s only for the weekend. We’ll find somewhere.

HANNAH. I thought this Colin bloke wanted you to use the place.

CHRIS. He does.

HANNAH. Well then. Don’t look a gift-horse in the mouth.

CHRIS. What’s that supposed to mean?

HANNAH. Why are you in such a pissy mood? It’s brilliant here. It’s a bit weird but I really like it. You’re not going to stay here on your own are you?

CHRIS. No.

HANNAH. So what are you getting in a flap about? It was your idea to come. You invited me. Remember? Colin’s your friend not mine.

CHRIS. I’ll pay for a hotel.

HANNAH. You can’t afford a hotel and neither can I and I like it here. You’ve brought your sleeping bag haven’t you? We could make a fire and . . .

CHRIS. Where? There’s no fireplace.

HANNAH. I’m not going to drive all the way back until I’ve had my weekend away.

CHRIS. I’m not saying we should go back.

HANNAH. I’d rather go back than waste money on a hotel.

CHRIS. Alright, let’s go back.

HANNAH. Don’t talk wet. What’d you say to Colin? He’d think you were barmy.

CHRIS. There’s been a dosser in here. You can smell him.

HANNAH. I can’t.

CHRIS. I’m going to tell Colin we got here too late and his holiday flat’s been squatted by a bunch of winos.

HANNAH. Is that why he wants us to stay here? To stop it being squatted?

CHRIS. I wouldn’t put it past him.

HANNAH. What a laugh.

CHRIS. Believe me I know him. That’s the way his mind works . . . He wasn’t lying when he said there wasn’t anything here was he?

HANNAH. Has he just bought it?

CHRIS. Must have done. I really don’t know.

HANNAH. He has to have money to burn to have this place and a home as well.

CHRlS. He has.

HANNAH. It’s another world money isn’t it? I suppose it’s an investment.

CHRIS. Knowing Colin it will be. Or it’ll be tax deductible. Or it’ll be in his wife’s name and it’ll be a fiddle. Or the company had to lose some money and it’ll just sit here, empty, increasing in value till they sell it. Whatever it is it’ll be about making a killing, that’s for sure.

HANNAH. Who cares?

CHRIS. Feels like that window’s been open for centuries. Feels like the whole place has been left here to rot.

HANNAH. ’S a good job somebody’s bought it then isn’t it? I thought we were going to play at being rich for the weekend. I don’t want to stay in a poxy little hotel. Knowing you we’d end up in a grotty bed and breakfast and they’d want us out by dawn and we’d spend the whole weekend killing time with nowhere to go. You’ve been invited to stay here for the weekend . . .

CHRIS. As long as I like.

HANNAH. Well then that’s settled. Whether it’s a tax dodge or an investment or a red herring or a white elephant doesn’t matter a monkey’s to me.

CHRIS. At least bed and breakfasts aren’t creepy: they’ve got signs of life about them like other people and carpets and curtains.

HANNAH. You hate other people.

She exits through the interior door. CHRIS removes a dust sheet and uncovers a television on a small table. She switches the television on. At this stage the volume is turned right down. She channel-dodges.

HANNAH (off). Jesus! Get a load of the bathroom. It’s got double wash hand basins. You can shave together . . . Gold taps . . . Talk about gross.

CHRIS turns up the television.

Have you got a television in there?

CHRIS. Yeah.

She listens to the following news report. (HANNAH’s speech and the sound from the television should overlap it. The overlap is marked * *.)

TELEVISION. The body of the missing Petworth newspaper girl Tracy Hogg has been discovered in a shallow grave in wood -land just five hundred yards from her home. Police say she had been sexually assaulted and strangled. Tracy, who was fourteen, disappeared six days ago. And detectives now believe her kidnapper took her away from the area by car, returning several days later to bury the body. * * The schoolgirl’s bicycle was found in a bus shelter close to her home but not on her paper run; and it is thought that she was trying desperately to reach home when the murderer caught up with her and forced her into his car. Tracy’s parents, who are both in a state of shock, are being comforted by friends. Police have appealed for anyone who has been near Durran Woods in the past week to contact them on 0273 15145.

And that’s the end of the news flash.

CHRIS turns the television off.

HANNAH (off). **There’s another one in here. How decadent can you get? Bloody Hell, you can change channels from the bed. I think we should move in, be caretakers. (She switches the television on. We can hear it faintly.)

CHRIS. **What?

HANNAH (off). **We could be caretakers. We could swan around all day watching telly and getting paid for it. That’d beat work -ing wouldn’t it?

HANNAH enters.

CHRIS. Let’s go.

HANNAH. What’s got into you? We’ve just taken three hours getting here. Why can’t you relax?

CHRIS. I don’t know.

HANNAH. Listen.

CHRIS. What?

Pause.

HANNAH. Absolute quiet.

From the sofa CHRIS removes a lumpy object which is beginning to irritate her. It is a man’s jacket.

CHRIS. There has been a dosser here. He’s left his jacket.

HANNAH. It won’t be a dosser’s: it’ll be one of the workmen’s.

CHRIS. It’s filthy. We can’t stay here if . . .

HANNAH. Yes we can and we’re going to. It could be anyone’s jacket. And if it is a dosser’s . . . well . . . he isn’t here now is he?

CHRIS. What are we going to do here all weekend. There’s nothing here.

HANNAH. Don’t be so pathetic. There’s masses to do.

CHRIS. What?

HANNAH. I don’t know. You can always find something.

CHRIS. Do you know what this place reminds me of?

HANNAH. What?

CHRIS. My life.

HANNAH. Oh, for Heaven’s sake.

CHRIS. It does...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• My Heart’s a Suitcase
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information