Bombshells

Joanna Murray-Smith

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2014
• Print ISBN: 9781854598509
• eBook ISBN: 9781780012506
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Six funny and perceptive monologues about the stresses of modern female life.

Meryl Davenport – A mother who tells the story of her non-stop day in a rapid-fire internal monologue.

Tiggy Entwhistle – A cactus lover bravely attempting to rise above her relationship crisis.

Mary O'Donnell – A feisty teenage schoolgirl competing in a talent quest.

Theresa McTerry – An increasingly disillusioned bride on her wedding day.

Winsome Webster – A widow with an appetite for the unexpected.

Zoe Struthers – An American cabaret singer who's had her fair share of personal problems.

Joanna Murray-Smith's play Bombshells was first performed by Caroline O'Connor at the Fairfax Theatre, Victorian Arts Centre, Melbourne, Australia, in December 2001. It was revived at the same venue in 2004, transferring to the York Theatre in Sydney in April 2004.

A reduced version consisting of four monologues was performed byCaroline O'Connor as part of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe at the Assembly Rooms, Edinburgh, in 2004. This production – now consisting of all six monologues – transferred to the Arts Theatre in the West End in September 2004.

MERYL LOUISE DAVENPORT

A thirty-something woman is on stage, alone. She begins very slowly and then builds in pace until she is on a frenetic stream-of-consciousness sprint.

MERYL. The baby cries. I open my eyes. It’s darkish. The digital clock beside Barry says six-oh-seven. The baby needs a feed. The videos need to go back today. I need a coffee. I need to enquire about yoga. Gwyneth Paltrow does yoga. If I do yoga my life will begin to resemble Gwynnie’s. Why does the baby need a feed? The baby down the road is sleeping through. That baby’s a week younger than our baby. Is it the light? Is it the cold? Is it my diet? What are we doing wrong? I shouldn’t have eaten the curry. I should have said no to the curry. I’m a selfish, hungry, greedy mother. What’s wrong with our baby? Screaming. Screaming now.

Clomp, clomp, clomp. It’s Amy. Amy gets into bed. Careful of the baby. I’m feeding the baby. Don’t squash the baby. Amy’s got a cold. Try to blow Amy’s nose while feeding baby. How many countries are there in Africa? I don’t know. You should know. I should know. I should know but I don’t know. Switch breasts.

Ben’s in the kitchen. I want Cocoslams. No. Yes. Cocoslams are evil. Cocoslams are not evil. Cocoslams are breakfast cereal. No, no, you can have Weetbix / Weetabix. Weetbix / Weetabix suck. You’re not having Cocoslams. Psychopaths are evil. Child slavery is evil. Cocoslams are not evil. Liam’s allowed to eat Cocoslams and how come everyone else gets a nice mother? Okay, eat the Cocoslams. Eat the damn Cocoslams! What’s wrong with Ben? Ben doesn’t like me and he’s only eight. He already hates me. Why do I yell at him? Why can’t I control myself? I’ve fucked up the last eight years and it’s not his fault. He’s the kid he’s the kid I’m the mother I’m the mother – It’s my fault because I’m an egomaniac and a control freak. How many countries are there in Africa? I don’t know. How many do you think there are? I don’t know, Amy. I’m trying to feed the baby. But how many do you think there are? Alright, thirty.

Baby in bassinet. Stick plug in baby’s mouth. Get breakfast, quickly quickly, can’t be late, always late, need a coffee, teacher said we have to make an effort to get Ben into class on time. Teacher said children suffer if they’re late. Hurry hurry do the lunches hurry up, lunches, lunches –

Abandoning the idea.

– money for the lunches. Where’s the money, where’s the money, baby crying, in the shower, wash, quick, out, quick, dry, quick, clothes hurry hurry, Never look ‘quite right’, never look ‘put together’, never look ‘well groomed’. Always dreamt I’d scoff at women who just threw themselves together. Now I am one. Lipstick, that’ll do it, whack it on, that way the other mothers will think I’m in control, I’m on top of things. Where’s the money for the leukemia-money-raising head-shaving of the Geography teacher? Where’s the money for the children’s hospital appeal? Amy needs the form signed for the excursion. Amy says it has to be in today. It has to be in today or I won’t be allowed to go. It has to be, it has to be, it has to be. Need a coffee, need a coffee, keys keys keys KEYS. School bags tennis rackets handbag nappy-bag dry-cleaning dummy dummy school hats need hats keys keys keys KEYS.

In the car. Baby’s got no socks. Need socks. Should go back in for socks. Can’t be bothered. Selfish, awful mother. Baby has cold feet. Selfish, stupid, disorganised mother –

Brilliant idea dawning on her.

Pretend they fell off – babies are always losing socks.

There’s the neighbour with her cacti, should be neighbourly, should chat, can’t be bothered, sweet lady, all alone, husband dumped her, needs a nice neighbour, can’t be bothered. Driving too fast. Truck. TrucktrucktrucktrucktruckTRUCK! PRICK!! Children’s lives are more important than being punctual. But I have to be punctual. I have to be punctual or the teacher will think I’m a total failure. I am a total failure. I’m a failure and a fake and everyone can see through the lipstick. EVERYONE OUT!!

I know the truth about the socks. The baby’s socks did not fall off. Amy’s only on C books. Vanessa and Jamie and Alan are on R. Isabella and Georgia and Sandra are on N. Why is Amy on C? What is wrong with Amy? I don’t read with her enough. I read magazines. I read magazines all the time, stupid, stupid expensive magazines about stupid celebrities. I care more about Renée Zellweger’s favourite nail lacquer than about my own child. I’m the reason children can’t read any more – I’m the reason literacy levels are down. I’m the reason children aren’t equipped for life! It’s my fault! I’m a lazy, selfish mother. Amy cries when I leave. I hug Amy. Teacher tells me to say goodbye and walk away. Amy sobs. Walk away. Want to go back and hug her but care more about what the teacher thinks of me than Amy’s feelings.

Baby in car. Supermarket. Out of car. Other shoppers stare at sockless baby. Buy buy buy. Need detergent: Sunfresh, Lemonfresh, Freshmorning, Startfresh, Lemonsunfresh, Greendayfresh, Bubblemagic, Sparklefresh, Lemonsparkle, Morningfresh . . . Weetbix / Weetabix, Cornflakes, Special K, Ricebran, Branflakes, Oatmeal, Ricebubbles, Fruitloops, Muesli . . . Put Cocoslams in trolley. Toothpaste – probably gives you cancer, non-organic fruit, gives you cancer, Diet Pepsi, gives you cancer, salami makes the children obese, sweet biscuits, Paddle Pops / Mini Milks, white bread – cancer, I’m killing my children! I’m killing my children! None of the other mothers use white bread. I might as well line the kids up and shoot them, it would be quicker and more honest than poisoning them like this. And cheaper.

Home home gutters need doing house needs painting brothel brothel brothel BROTHEL Need a coffee. Baby crying, WHERE’S THE BABY?!

Washing, washing, baby lying on sheepskin, baby playing with stupid play mobile, needs proper interaction for development of brain and gross motor skills, babies need to be noticed not just plonked on sheepskins, baby growing up, these early days are so short, gone so fast, can’t get them back, appreciate, appreciate, hurry up and appreciate, take the time, pull out the phone, lie down with baby –

Slowly.

– stare into baby’s face –

Immediately faster.

No time for this! No time for this! Am I crazy? Washing, drying, phone ringing! Put baby to bed, need antidepressants, got to have anti-depressants, can’t take them, breast-feeding, need them, can’t take them, want to feel happier but baby would be drugged now, get cancer later, can’t do it, want to do it, selfish mother, wrong priorities. Vacuum, vacuum, don’t move the furniture, can’t be bothered, bad housekeeper, not even working, no excuse, need a coffee, need a coffee, proper coffee, got to pay the gas bill, promised I’d pay the gas bill, Barry’s got enough to do, he’s so nice to me, Barry’s so nice to me, have to make things easier on him, look at me, look at me, I’ve let myself go, should go to the gym, should have some pride – need pride, must get it: castor sugar, chicken fillets, pride. Got to get Ben new karate uniform, got to get Amy Backstroke Barbie for birthday, got to organise party, got to make it a good party, got to be as good as Caitlyn’s, Caitlyn’s mother makes an effort, Amy thinks Caitlyn’s mother is a superstar, must persuade her I am, got to get Backstroke Barbie, blonde or brunette, which does she want? Which does she want? Get both, then they can relay. Got to return Alex’s call, got to call Allie, should visit Bernadette in hospital. Got to clean car – got to water the garden – fridge is filthy, need a coffee – need a coffee.

OKAY THAT’S IT. NEED A COF...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Author’s Note
• Original Production
• Characters
• Bombshells
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information