Ladies Down Under

Amanda Whittington

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2014
• Print ISBN: 9781854599957
• eBook ISBN: 9781780013275
• Topic: Littérature
• Subtopic: Théâtre britannique

The funny, heart-warming sequel to the enormously successful Ladies' Day, following the lasses from Hull on their adventures down under.

After hitting the jackpot at Ladies' Day in York, the fishfilleting foursome - Pearl, Jan, Shelley and Linda - are celebrating in style with the trip of a lifetime to the land of Oz.

While Shelley dreams of luxury and glamour, the rest of the gang decide to go native and camp out under the stars at Uluru. But Shelley soon discovers there's more on offer than posh hotels, stunning beaches and sun-kissed surfers; and Pearl finds that she's got a mountain of her own to climb...

Ladies Down Under is the second play in Amanda Whittington's Ladies Trilogy, alongside Ladies' Day (Hull Truck, 2005) and Ladies Unleashed (Hull Truck, 2022), all of them featuring the same four principal characters, Pearl, Jan, Shelley and Linda.

ACT ONE

Scene One

February 2007. Australia. Blue Mountains. Night.

A bushfire is blazing out of control. Enter JOE, with a backpack, facing the fire.

JOE. No! No way!

Enter TOM, a volunteer firefighter.

TOM. Hey? Where do you think you’re going?

JOE. How do I get out of here?

TOM. You don’t. Not till it’s under control.

JOE. But I’ve got to get to Sydney.

TOM. You’ll be six feet under if you don’t back off.

JOE. There must be a way around it?

TOM. Mate, the roads are closed, the power’s down, there’s bushfires right across the mountains.

JOE. I’m stuck here?

TOM. Don’t panic. Get back to Lithgow, you’ll be safe there.

JOE. But I’m meeting Jan, my girlfriend, she’s flying in tomorrow.

TOM. Mate, I’m not asking you. Move it!

JOE. No!

TOM tries to push JOE away, but he pulls free and looks desperately into the fire.

No . . .

JOE throws down his backpack in despair.

Scene Two

Same time. Manchester Airport. Departures.

Enter PEARL, with tickets in hand. She looks up at the departure board, then beyond it. She wears a T-shirt with GIRLS ON TOUR and her name printed on the front. On the back, football-style, is printed AUSTRALIA and a big 07.

Enter JAN, in a GIRLS ON TOUR T-shirt, with a Boots’ carrier bag.

JAN. Pearl, I found ’em.

Beat.

Pearl?

PEARL. What?

JAN takes a packet of tights from the bag.

JAN. Tights. And they could save your life.

PEARL. Compression stockings? No, ta.

JAN. Do you want to go down with DVD? It’s one-in-ten on long-haul flights.

PEARL. DVT.

JAN. We’re a high-risk group, you and me, at our age.

PEARL. I’ll drink lots of water and wiggle me toes.

JAN. But if your leg swells or if there’s any sign of tenderness –

PEARL. It won’t.

JAN. I’ve already put mine on in the ladies.

Beat.

I had to go again. The Imodium’s not touched it.

PEARL. You need to eat a bit of something. Settle your stomach.

JAN. I couldn’t.

PEARL. Jan, you’re only flying. Thousands do it every day. All you’ve got to do is sit back and let it happen.

JAN. For twenty-four hours.

PEARL. Thirty-six. We stop off in Singapore.

JAN. You mean Dubai?

PEARL. Dubai an’ all, but you’ll be all right, they’ve got shops.

JAN. You never said we stopped twice.

PEARL. Well, I didn’t know myself till the tickets came.

JAN. Dubai I can just about handle. Singapore . . .

PEARL. It’ll be an interesting cultural experience.

JAN. I dread to think what the loos are like.

PEARL. Jan, relax.

JAN. How can I, with my IBS as it is?

PEARL. You’ve not got IBS. You’re just a bit keyed up, that’s all. You’ll be fine once you board.

JAN. Caught short in a confined space, it’s my worst nightmare.

PEARL. You’ll have food and drinks and telly, you’ll be fine.

JAN. That’s easy for you to say, you’re a seasoned traveller.

PEARL. I’ve been to Majorca once.

JAN. Well, that’s one more than me. I mean, what am I doing? I’m forty-five years old. I’ve never been nowhere, I’ve never done nothing and suddenly here I am, going all the way down under –

PEARL. Jan, is this about Joe?

JAN. No.

PEARL. Is it?

Beat.

JAN. He’s been gone all this time. He’s travelled all over, he’s met interesting people.

PEARL. You’re interesting.

JAN. How? Name one thing that’s interesting about me?

PEARL. Well . . .

JAN. See.

PEARL. You’re just yourself, Jan, and that’s what he wants.

JAN. But I’m hardly a beach babe.

PEARL. He didn’t go for that.

JAN. But he’s been there on Bondi with all them leggy blondes –

PEARL. Still wrote to you, didn’t he? Still phoned every week?

JAN. Yeah, but –

PEARL. Still rang you this weekend and said he’d see you in Arrivals?

Beat.

JAN. I know.

PEARL. So what’s your problem?

JAN. Nine months, we’d been together. Thirty-six weeks. Nine months together and eleven months apart.

PEARL. But you’ve known him for years. Joe’s a man of his word. If he says he’ll be waiting, he’ll be there.

TANNOY (voice-over). Please be advised that smoking is not permitted in the terminal building, except in designated areas.

JAN. Airports. Boyfriends. Being wanted. Them kind of things don’t happen to me.

PEARL. Nor does winning half a million on the horses, but you did.

JAN. We did.

PEARL. Been a hell of a ride, hasn’t it?

JAN. I’ll say.

PEARL. Your Claire going off to uni.

JAN. In a brand new car all bought and paid for.

PEARL. Both our mortgages gone.

JAN. You retired.

PEARL. Having breakfast every morning in my nice new conservatory, thinking of you off to the fish plant.

JAN. Seems like a long time since we were all there today.

Enter SHELLEY and LINDA, laden with duty-free bags and both wearing GIRLS ON TOUR T-shirts.

SHELLEY. Linda, they’re here.

PEARL. Eh up, here comes trouble.

JAN. Spot the spendaholic, eh?

SHELLEY is showing off her digital camera.

LINDA....

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information