Tinderbox (NHB Modern Plays)

Lucy Kirkwood

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781780013145
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

Fast, wild and farcically funny, Lucy Kirkwood's first full-length play is a disturbing vision of a dystopian future.

Sometime in the 21st Century, England is dissolving into the sea. Amidst the chaos, one man clings to his traditional British values and his love of meat.

For Londoner Saul Everard, his butchers shop is an empire that he will do anything to preserve, including moving it to Bradford. An outlaw Scottish artist swims Hadrian's Channel from Scotland to England and seeks refuge in Saul's shop. There's rioting on the streets and the police are onto him but Saul's meaty little realm may be the last place to seek sanctuary.

Tinderbox premiered at the Bush Theatre, London, in 2008.

'lovely, bawdy, deliciously off-colour...like a madcap mixture of Joe Orton, Ben Jonson, Martin McDonagh and Stephen Sondheim' WhatsOnStage

'grisly... rings with nasty, maniacal laughter... off-kilter imaginative flair' The Times

ACT ONE

‘Dry Bones’

The end of a blazing afternoon. An old-fashioned butcher’s shop. Tiles, marble slabs, a display counter covered with a sheet. A desiccated feel to the place. A yellowing blind on the window. Straw on the floor. Three dead pot plants and a thriving cactus. The sound of police sirens and dogs barking gets louder and louder. Louder still when the shop door is opened. JOHN enters. He looks around the empty shop, then calls:

JOHN. ’Livery!

He mops his brow. He has a stripe of zinc-oxide sunblock on his face and a clipboard in his hand.

Mr Everard? Delivery!

No answer. JOHN sticks his head out of the door.

John Junior! You want to stir yer bleedin’ stumps, lad?

Beat. Then JOHN JUNIOR staggers in, dishevelled, and lugging a sack. He also wears sunblock. He dumps the sack and stares accusingly at JOHN.

(Innocently.) What?

JOHN JUNIOR. You left me!

JOHN. I had to see a man about a dog.

During the following, JOHN takes out a Cornetto and rolls it slowly over his face. He then peels off the wrapper, folds it, puts it in his pocket, and starts to eat.

JOHN JUNIOR. They were kicking me and you said, ‘I’ll run ahead and meet you there.’

JOHN. I thought they were your mates.

JOHN JUNIOR. They were trying to set fire to my shoes! (Beat.) You know why they always go for me, don’t you?

JOHN. You’ve just got one of those faces, I s’pose.

JOHN JUNIOR. No. It’s cos it’s always me carrying the bleeding sack!

JOHN. We’ve been through this, JJ. You carry the sack. I carry the clipboard. See?

He holds up the clipboard to demonstrate.

JOHN JUNIOR. S’like trying to carry a sugar cube through a sea of ants out there! Maybe if you had to be the human donkey once in a while, then – What’s that?

JOHN (still eating). What does it look like?

JOHN JUNIOR (gasping in amazement). It’s an ice cream!

JOHN. To some extent.

JOHN JUNIOR. Where d’you get that from?

JOHN (primly). Some of us don’t fritter away our dairy rations on cheese omelettes, John Junior. Been saving up for weeks for this.

JOHN JUNIOR. Give us a lick.

JOHN. Not on your nelly.

JOHN JUNIOR. Aw, lemme have a –

JOHN. Get off –

JOHN JUNIOR. Just a quick one –

JOHN. NO!

JOHN JUNIOR. Alright, well, what about your wrapper then?

JOHN. What about it?

JOHN JUNIOR. Give us a little suck on it.

JOHN. Piss off.

JOHN JUNIOR. Alright, just a lick then.

JOHN. No. I’m saving it for my wife.

JOHN JUNIOR. I only want a taste, your wife’s fat enough already. You’re a feeder, you.

JOHN. John Junior! My wife is not fat. My wife has just given birth to a twelve-pound baby, it was a very difficult labour and it’s very rude of you to –

JOHN JUNIOR. LET ME LICK YOUR WRAPPER!

JOHN. Pull yourself together, boy! What would Mr Womble say if he could see this exhibition, eh? Now come on. We’ve got four more drop-offs before we can –

JOHN JUNIOR quickly leans in and takes a big bite of JOHN’s ice cream.

You little – !

JOHN JUNIOR runs out. JOHN exits after him. Silence once more. A beat. Another beat. Then the sack bursts open and PERCHIK, choking and spluttering, bursts out. He is blood-streaked. Feathers fly. He leans into the sack and pulls out a knapsack. Quietly, he crosses to the door. Opens it. The sound of a riot; angry crowds, sirens, dogs barking, glass smashing. He slams the door shut again. Suddenly, VANESSA comes running, weeping, through the shop from a door out to the back. She stops short as she sees PERCHIK. They both freeze. Beat.

SAUL (off). Vanessa!

VANESSA runs to the icebox door, heaves it open and slams it behind her. PERCHIK panics, jumps back into the sack. SAUL enters hurriedly. He limps on his right foot and carries a stick. He stops and looks at the sack. PERCHIK’s heavy breathing can be heard.

(Under his breath.) Hmm… fresh.

He runs to the icebox door and bangs on it.

Little pig, little pig, let me come in!

He listens. No reply.

You can’t hide in the icebox every time Sauly is naughty, Vanessa.

Pause.

Why won’t you play with me?

VANESSA. Go away!

SAUL. But Vanessa! I’m having a heart attack! … Ow!

Pause.

OW. (Beat.) Really hurts.

Pause. He bangs on the door.

OPEN THIS DOOR!

VANESSA (singing). Oh, the toe bone’s connected to the foot bone, the foot bone’s connected to the –

SAUL. Vanessa!

VANESSA. – ankle bone, the ankle bone’s connected to the leg bone, the leg bone’s connected to the –

SAUL. Shut up!

VANESSA. – knee bone, the knee bone’s connected to the –

SAUL. Open this door now!

VANESSA (shouting now). – THIGH BONE, THE THIGH BONE’S CONNECTED TO THE HIP BONE, NOW HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD –

SAUL. You’ve left off the torso, you silly cow! If your toes freeze together again, I’m not taking you to the hospital to have them chipped apart this time. I’ll do it myself and put the bits in a punch bowl and have cocktails on the bloody veranda!

He waits.

Vanessa?

No response. SAUL goes to the shop door, locks it, and exits. Beat. PERCHIK jumps out of the sack. VANESSA comes out of the icebox. They stare at each other. The power fails.

(Off.) I have turned the electricity off, Vanessa!

PERCHIK and VANESSA panic. PERCHIK runs and throws himself down behind the counter. VANESSA runs to the door, finds it locked, looks around.

VANESSA (calling). Don’t be so stupid, Saul. The stock will spoil.

SAUL (off). Then you will have that on your conscience, wife.

VANESSA (calling). I didn’t turn the power off, did I?

SAUL approaches. VANESSA jumps in the sack. SAUL enters. Goes to the icebox.

SAUL. You are behaving in such a naughty way that my hand was forced. Do you understand, wife? You left me no other option. No other option!

Pause. He opens the icebox door and peers in. Closes it silently.

No, no, Vanessa. You’re quite right.

SAUL turns to see the sack wriggling across the floor, towards the door. He sighs, goes to the sack and sits on it. It stops moving.

The best thing for us to do is to sit...